Advice sought - I'm new to all this step-parenting stuff!

[Jaimo78]

Well I've been seeing my girlfriend for six months now, and despite her being a few years older we're like best friends, soulmates etc and feel like we've known each other forever.

She has two kids 22, and 15 as well as a young grandchild. Their father makes absolutely no effort to get involved with his children, other than spending an odd hour or so with his daughter once in a blue moon.

Her grandchild thinks the world of me as does her son, and the feeling is mutual. To be honest I thought he'd be the harder to get to know and for him to accept me, but he's already told me I've done more and made more of an effort than his father ever did for him and he's made up for his mum and I (a proper lump in throat moment which has made all the effort taste feel well and truly worth it.)

Now the girlfriend almost waits on her daughter whom I'm conviced is a proper little Diva. The daughter does no chores and is literally waited on hand and foot by mum, but I am trying to change that and my girlfriend knows she's being walked all over whilst spoiling her too. I reckon that this may make me seem like the big bad wolf.

The daughters room is a constant mess and she won't tidy it and it's all left for mum to do, she even makes a mess around the house and mum or I are left to tidy it up. She won't even eat proper foods and insists on a seperate meal being cooked of mostly savoury dishes pizza's etc and drinks to be served to her. She won't eat fruit or veg so I've asked my girlfriend to make sure she at least gets her on vitamins etc it's not ideal but it's a start.

I suspect she maybe suffering a few health issues concerning her diet in terms of time of the month issues, is this a possibility?

We went to a family do for my girlfriends family last weekend and the daughter went straight into the house leaving me to carry her bumper supply of easter eggs and bags etc, to which I suggested she was extracting the urine.

I fully understand that my girlfriend should put her kids first and it is essentially early days but surely "we" should be a priority too? Last night her daughter suggested that she wanted to spend more time with mum on her own, we see each other at weekends and maybe 2 or 3 evenings a week.

Two weeks ago I took them all bowling and for a meal and everyone had a great time, and I suggested that mum and daughter spend a night or two together in the week and we'd all maybe do something together at the weekend.

Now I can tell that the daughter likes me her smile is a dead giveaway, but after working so hard in terms of love, time and effort on my part I'm afraid of being pushed out a little here.

I'm unhappy with our lives being dictated to by a 15 year old girl who is afraid of losing her slave/skivvy who I even run around to various dance classes to make life easier for mum.

Does this sound unreasonable on my part? and what are your thought's I need feedback here as I want to do the right thing for everyone concerned and I know we'd all be really happy together?

I think that's a really going point Balia about there being history to things. Things are often not as straightforward as they would seem at first observation.

How old are your own kids OP ? Presumably they're a lot older and you've already successfully negotiated the minefield that is parenting teenagers ? Because obviously your soul mate is an idiot for not letting you whip her diva daughter into shape if you have all that parenting experience. She's been waaaaaitnng for a guy like you, to come intoooo her liiiiiiife......

Ive been with my partner a very long time , we dont live together . If he started making comments about my childrens bedrooms or their diets he would be told where to go , as would any freinds who offered such opinions . In fact my mum would get the same response . State of my bedrooms is not something that i would discuss with my partner or anyone else who doesnt live here, its frankly none of his business as he doesnt live here .

You have stated frequently how brilliant you are , how crap the dad is , how various family members have thanked you , and youve also said that you criticise the father to your girlfreind . You would only say that to me once. I wouldnt want to hear it and youd be told frankly to mind your own business . All of the following from a boyfreind of only 6 months .

The daughter does no chores and is literally waited on hand and foot by mum, but I am trying to change that

She won't eat fruit or veg so I've asked my girlfriend to make sure she at least gets her on vitamins

I suggested that mum and daughter spend a night or two together in the week and we'd all maybe do something together at the weekend. ( Wtf !)

I've even suggested she earns pocket money from chores etc.

I don't criticise so much, but make a joke of it.

wouldn't dream of telling her how to bring her kids but feel I've a right to say when the urine is being extracted to her, alone and make suggestions.

I criticise the father to my girlfriend but never infront of the kids,

I do not agree with partner entitlement . I dont like it and wont accept it . I expect my partner to treat me like he does his freinds and co workers . The minuite he affords himself special rights hes old news . Unless you would suggest any of the above to your freinds i would have a think about your sense of entitlement with your partner .

Like someone else said , i am very surprised that your partner hasnt told you where to go with your ideas and criticism of the ex.

"I do not agree with partner entitlement . I dont like it and wont accept it . I expect my partner to treat me like he does his freinds and co workers . The minuite he affords himself special rights hes old news . Unless you would suggest any of the above to your freinds i would have a think about your sense of entitlement with your partner"

I find that really weird tbh ? unless I?ve misunderstood what you mean. I do think that partners should treat each other with the same respect as they do their friends and work colleagues and I think it is a sad fact that often people do take out there worst side on those closest to them. However, surely you have more right to discuss (not dictate) how you feel about things in a more personal way that you do your friends and co-workers? And demand respect and courtesy from them and their children if you are putting in the effort yourself and have earned their trust etc. (which I agree, OP probably hasn?t yet after six weeks)
How much say would your partner have in how the house is run if he lived with you?

I also find it really weird, wicked. As partners, my DH and I are absolutely entitled to comment on each other's choices and decisions, in fact, that seems to me to be a huge part of what a partnership is about!
And now that we share a household and a family, we both are entitled to be included in decisions that impact that household and family life.

I'd also say that the OP is entitled to courtesy and respect from Day One.
I fully expected my DH, from the first date, to treat me with just as much respect, courtesy, affection, and honesty as I would/did my other (childless) boyfriends and partners before him. My involvement with the kids and with a parenting role developed over time, and I expect will contiunue to do so, but my right to be treated as an individual deserving of respect isn't something I had to earn.

People have been tough on the OP because of the short amount of time he has been in the relationship, but I suspect he'd get a similar reaction from some quarters no matter how long he had been involved with the kids, or if he'd been living with and supporting them for years. JUst a feeling...

I agree brdgrl - some posters that is. In my opinion he deserved respect and courtesy from day one as would any person, but I don?t think he is wise to ask for input on the practical sides of parenting after six months ? I think you need to kind of earn that right over time. Or maybe not so much time but status ? when he actually moves in, for example, as it would then be his home that these things were happening in. I would advise OP not to move in until he is happy with the respect and courtesy bit though? through bitter experience

How much say would your partner have in how the house is run if he lived with you?

Wicked , if we were to move in together he would obviously have an equal say in how things worked . At this stage ( we have been together several years but do not live together ) he has no say , because he doesnt live here and how i run my house is none of his business . Neither would i accept my freinds or family doing the same .

None of what the Op is saying directly affects him , apart from cleaning up the teenage daughters bedroom which i dont think is right. I would not ask or expect my partner who does not live here , to help clean up my dds room , and if i did she would be mortified at mums boyfreind poking around her room .

That does not mean he isnt entitled to basic respect or decency , if one of the dcs were unkind to him he could raise that and i would address it , same as i would if they were rude to anyone else . I would not , however , have him trying to change what i do for my daughter ( which by his own admission he is trying to do ) i would not have him asking me to give my daughter vitamins or suggesting me and my daughter spend time together . And i certainly would not , under any circumstances , have him slagging off my ex .

If i was a teenage girl i would not like mums boyfreind of 6 months who does not live with us trying to change things or suggesting i do chores or take vitamins . I would certainly not like him tidying my room either .

If they lived together i would think some of this reasonable , but they dont . Hes a relativeley new boyfreind of only 6 months who is round there 4 / 5 nights a week who is trying to change things . Nothing has been said about how his partner feels about these suggestions .

I cannot see any examples of where the Op is not being treated with courtesy and respect by the Dd ?

Now I can tell that the daughter likes me her smile is a dead giveaway, but after working so hard in terms of love, time and effort on my part I'm afraid of being pushed out a little here

Im afraid that comment would have me running for the hills.

Hmm.. you're right there Diggs - If it seems like "hard work" now, it will have killed him after years of it

Sorry to talk like youre not here Jaimo.

I cannot see any examples of where the Op is not being treated with courtesy and respect by the Dd ?

Well, I think he mentioned being left to carry her things in from the car - a very tiny example, maybe, but his mention of it suggests that it may be the sort of thing which is winding him up.

But, Diggs, I should be clear that I am replying as much to the responses as to the OP...responses which have focused on the amount of time the couple been together and some of which have taken the position that the OP is not 'entitled' to have any involvement in decision making. My point, in both of my earlier posts, has been that there needs to be a distinction made both by the OP and by the rest of us between decisions/situations that do directly involve the OP and thse which do not. Whether together for a month or a decade.

I simply don't think that the OP's situation will benefit from a lot of posts telling him to butt out. If he and his partner are planning on a long-term relationship, which it seems that they are, he needs advice about where to draw the boundaries. Not just to act as though there are no boundaries - one longtern stepmum above said that she began as she meant to go on, and I think she has a point.

Notdisney, for example, has given the example of kids' table manners, and how they have an impact on the partner himself/herself - beyond just wanting to 'improve' or 'criticize' the kids, there are areas which are less black and white, because they start to create difficulties for the partner. How much a partner is 'entitled' to ask for change in those areas - well, that is the Big Question we are all constantly trying to negotiate, isn't it? It's not black and white.

Take the issue of manners, full-stop. Some people think that the partner would be overstepping to comment on the kids' manners. Personally, I feel that I have a right to insist on basic manners from my stepkids towards me, right from the beginning - not to try and make them "better people", but to say "hey, I expect you to say hello when I enter the room, or thank you when I have done you a favour". Or, like notdisney with the table manners, to say to my partner, we're not going out to dinner as a group until this changes, because it makes me too uncomfortable.