Advice sought - I'm new to all this step-parenting stuff!

[Jaimo78]

Well I've been seeing my girlfriend for six months now, and despite her being a few years older we're like best friends, soulmates etc and feel like we've known each other forever.

She has two kids 22, and 15 as well as a young grandchild. Their father makes absolutely no effort to get involved with his children, other than spending an odd hour or so with his daughter once in a blue moon.

Her grandchild thinks the world of me as does her son, and the feeling is mutual. To be honest I thought he'd be the harder to get to know and for him to accept me, but he's already told me I've done more and made more of an effort than his father ever did for him and he's made up for his mum and I (a proper lump in throat moment which has made all the effort taste feel well and truly worth it.)

Now the girlfriend almost waits on her daughter whom I'm conviced is a proper little Diva. The daughter does no chores and is literally waited on hand and foot by mum, but I am trying to change that and my girlfriend knows she's being walked all over whilst spoiling her too. I reckon that this may make me seem like the big bad wolf.

The daughters room is a constant mess and she won't tidy it and it's all left for mum to do, she even makes a mess around the house and mum or I are left to tidy it up. She won't even eat proper foods and insists on a seperate meal being cooked of mostly savoury dishes pizza's etc and drinks to be served to her. She won't eat fruit or veg so I've asked my girlfriend to make sure she at least gets her on vitamins etc it's not ideal but it's a start.

I suspect she maybe suffering a few health issues concerning her diet in terms of time of the month issues, is this a possibility?

We went to a family do for my girlfriends family last weekend and the daughter went straight into the house leaving me to carry her bumper supply of easter eggs and bags etc, to which I suggested she was extracting the urine.

I fully understand that my girlfriend should put her kids first and it is essentially early days but surely "we" should be a priority too? Last night her daughter suggested that she wanted to spend more time with mum on her own, we see each other at weekends and maybe 2 or 3 evenings a week.

Two weeks ago I took them all bowling and for a meal and everyone had a great time, and I suggested that mum and daughter spend a night or two together in the week and we'd all maybe do something together at the weekend.

Now I can tell that the daughter likes me her smile is a dead giveaway, but after working so hard in terms of love, time and effort on my part I'm afraid of being pushed out a little here.

I'm unhappy with our lives being dictated to by a 15 year old girl who is afraid of losing her slave/skivvy who I even run around to various dance classes to make life easier for mum.

Does this sound unreasonable on my part? and what are your thought's I need feedback here as I want to do the right thing for everyone concerned and I know we'd all be really happy together?

Are people really that stupid?

Jaimo78 - this forum has been a life saver for me, and I know for many other parents - so hang on in there. I have always found the advice from the mums on the stepparents forum fantastic. But there are differing views of course. I think the advice from thewickedestSMinthewest is great. Step back a little, detatch and let it happen slowly. Good luck - you sound like a good guy but being a SP is hard work - just look through the other posts if you don't believe me!

I think step-parents can sometimes have a lot more clarity on the childrens' behaviour and dynamics. I know that my dp has pointed out to me things that I do with dd, or that she does, that I just hadn't realised. And I realise that I had the same vision with dsd and often felt that her Dad had blind spots where her behaviour was concerned.

I think where it's involving a 15 year old though you need to tread really, really carefully. Your relationship with her is in its infancy and I don't think it would be wise to come into their lives and then appear to start making changes (even if their mum is in agreement). You may well end up being perceived as the bad guy. I would give it time, allow a relationship with them to build, allow the love to grow and leave their mum to deal with it.

I wonder too whether there are emotions to do with her Dad involved her. If you are getting on well with her brother and the rest of the family, it may not be you and how you are coming across, more that you are taking on a role that she wished her Dad was.

It doesn't mean you can't say anything ever, but I would be really careful about what I said and when. And that is hard, but one of the things IME you have to accept when you are a step-parent.

I think the having time as a couple is something you will need to work out, but I really wouldn't be making it a priority over ensuring that your step-daughter is ok, and if she needs to have time with her mum and time to settle into her mum having a new partner then I would allow her that time.

Jaimo, I'm not sure that you are hearing what people are saying. Don't worry about defending yourself too much - we don't know you so it doesn't really matter what we think

Six months is very soon to know anything. I appreciate that you have found your soul mate and that it seems as if you have known your girlfriend for ages but to the kids this is brand, brand new. It's also worth bearing in mind how fierce the bond is for your girlfriend to her kids.

It doesn't sound like you are coming down too harshly, I don't think you are doing anything wrong. I more think it is your own mind set that is a bit skewwiff. If you are cooking, cook something in the middleground. There must be something they would like. I refuse to pander to my DSD, but that is because when she spent most of her week here I felt that as the cook of the house I had the right to decide what was being cooked. Even then it would be vaguly appealing to her. Now she is only here once a week if that, I don't feel that my job to cook for her is overly onerous and so she does more or less have what she wants. I've long given up thinking I can any influence on her appauling eating habits and beleive me I am a lot calmer for it.

You have a long road ahead of you, wait until you all move in together - that's when the real challenges will start My advice would be to enjoy your "courting" time with your new partner. It's great that you've emersed yourself in family life but you've got all the time in the world, don't push things too fast.

I didn't get the impression that OP has moved in yet...

But this is hardly a step-parenting issue, is it. The OP should have no interest yet in taking part in parenting his girlfriend's child. He's not even her partner as yet even if they are soulmates.

I think it is. He may not be living full-time with them, but he is around them and in the family home, at family events enough for these things to be bothering him. It doesn't matter whether he is classed as a step-parent yet or not. He cares enough to want to sort things out and do things right.

If I was 15 and knew that my mums boyfriend of 6months was criticising my diet and worrying about me having 'time of the month issues' I would have been incandescent with rage (and freaked out).

I'm not saying you have anything other than the best intentions OP but I think you need to reassess your role. You aren't her step parent (as you aren't married to her mum), yes building a fatherly type relationship is wise if you intend on sticking around for the long haul, but you need to think more carefully about boundaries IMO.

And another word of advice - don't criticise their dad, not even a cheap shot, even if he is a deadbeat. Listen, nod, be supportive, a shoulder to cry on if need be...but kids don't want to hear that he's a bastard (even if he is)

Bear in mind that your DG must have been doing something right all along for the dcs to be so accepting of you - so don't go seeking to change the dynamic, one that has turned out some pretty decent kids from the sound of it. It will evolve naturally.

My SIL has dcs older than mine when she remarried and her newH let his new dsc come to him - he's always building or fixing something and the dcs like to seek him out and 'help', he really must have the patience of Job! Very rarely does he directly involve himself in the discipline of his dsc - he might say, "You might want to give that a bit more thought Tom" - normally when Tom's about to do something daft - and he's made himself known to a boyfriend who SIL thought wasn't treating her dd very respectfully - but otherwise he says he prefers a quiet life and SIL is a more than a capable mum.

Hi Jamio - welcome to the beginning of the rollercoaster ride that is step-parenting teens!!

I'm no expert, but I've picked up on three statement in your OP that may be the root of some of the frustration you are feeling:

The daughter does no chores and is literally waited on hand and foot by mum I am trying to change that

I've asked my girlfriend to make sure she at least gets her on vitamins etc

We went to a family do for my girlfriends family last weekend and the daughter went straight into the house leaving me to carry her bumper supply of easter eggs and bags etc, to which I suggested she was extracting the urine.

All of these indicate that you are trying to influence the situation, which many step-parents never achieve, even after years (just take a read through other posts on this board )

I think you need to be honest with yourself and decide whether having some influence in the household regarding your partners daughter is important, or whether it is something that you can live without. There is no guarantee that it will come, even in time.

For some step-parents, who are emotionally, and possibly financially invested in the DSC, they need to be able to have influence in the way those DC's are parented and raised. If this is what you need, then it is only fair that you discuss this with your girlfriend before things get more serious. She may not want to share the parenting of her daughter.

The most significant thing I have learnt in my role as a step parent is to "let go" things that don't DIRECTLY affect me and my son's life.

So if a DSC only eats chocolate spread sandwiches for lunch, I let him eat them. If they keep their rooms like pig styes, I let them get on with it, if they sit on computer games in darkened rooms for days on end, then so be it. It's not how I would bring them up, but hey ho, who's to say I am right and their parents are wrong?

What I can't abide is the disrespect and rudeness in them and then I really struggle to bite my tongue and to live contently.

I don't think you will ever have any real influence over a 15 year old as she is going to be quite anti parental advice at that age anyway, let alone a new parental figure trying to change their ways for them. If she was 5 years old, you have it a lot easier in some ways but then you have a long time to wait until she flees the nest, at least at 15, you know she will be spreading her wings in the next few years or so.

I don't think you are wrong to remind her nicely to pick up her things she left in the car, for example, but I do think you would be wrong to try and critisise and discipline for it. If you want to cook for both of them, I think at 15, you are going to have to accept that her food habits are well settled in and trying to get her to eat meat and two veg if she's used to pizza and nuggets is going to be a struggle for anyone including her Mother. Her Mother has allowed her to get to this stage, if you love her, you have to accept that her daughter is the way she is and you are not going to make massive changes.

Also if you are seeing your girlfriend every weekend and 3 nights per week, that only leaves 1 or 2 nights when Mother and Daughter are alone together. How would you feel if you only saw your girlfriend 1 or 2 nights in a week? At 6 months into the relationship, I think you are pushing things too fast and to be honest, your girlfriend should be telling you herself that you need to keep your distance for the sake of a decent, healthy long term future.

I don't live there, my girlfriend and I have our own houses and I do more than pay my way and more than my fair share of chores running around etc, to make life easier for my girlfriend!

We are still going out regularly and we spend time between her flat and my house.

I really do appreciate the advice and want to take everything onboard, hence the post. As I've mentioned previously I am not throwing my weight around just making suggestions to my girlfriend, she is the parent and I'm the outsider.

I am just trying to make the situation better all round, I doubt I'll ever be a parent as such to either but I'm mature enough realise that for things to work with my girlfriend they all come as a package, hence me seeking advice and pointers. And there has been some great advice already posted!

I criticise the father to my girlfriend but never infront of the kids, they're two brilliant kids and if I was in his shoes I'd be a lucky man. But he dosn't realise what he's got and by all accounts, he seems to be a self-important control freak.

I know it's petty but I have to challenge this: "You aren't her step parent (as you aren't married to her mum)," Being a step parent (or at least having the right to call yourself one and be deserving of advice, support and respect as such) is not about whether you are married or not.
Stepparenting is a very complex and tricky road that starts at a different point for every family - the dynamics don't change over night.

Good luck with it all jaimo - and please try to loosen up about the dad. Not becuase I think you are wring in your opinion but I've many years of experience here and beleive me it won't get anyone anywhere if you're getting yourself worked up over a man who you have no control over.

I'm a stepparent so do understand some of your concerns however 2 things really strike me...

All your replies defend and/or explain why your way is the right way. You don't really seem to be looking for advice to change, more affirmation that you're right. One of the biggest things I learnt as a SM is that I'm not actually always right and now as a mum myself, I understand a lot more why my DH and his ex have done certain things with their son.
Not to say I might still disagree with certain aspects of his upbringing but you HAVE to learn when to detach, accept and shut up. And that takes time, which is my second point...

You are expecting far too much, far too soon. 6 months is brand new. It matters not a jot what your gf's extended family think or how wonderful the two of you might be together. To her daughter, you are brand new.
She is 15.
She has been (basically) abandoned by her Dad.
She is 15.

I said that twice because it's really important. She's hurting and may well be treating her mum like a divvy but that's pretty normal teenage behaviour. Nonetheless, she needs her mum more than ever right now and suddenly, there you are, all the time.

I really do think you need to cut down on your time spent with them. Your stepdaughter needs far more time with her mum, alone. Even if they're not actually doing anything, just having you in the house will make it harder for her to be with her mum if she needs to.

So my advice is 2 fold:

1. Scale back on time spent with DG & DSD

1. Lay off trying to parent and just be the boyfriend for a good while longer.

Good luck op.

Skivvy, not divvy!!

Jaimo my advice is the same as most. Step back mate. Your concerns are admirable but it's way too soon for u to have a say. Just observe and see if ur relationship goes further. Ive been with my DP 2.5 yrs and I don't parent that much I support. I don't try to change things, I encourage time without me about and reinforce that I'm not mum and will never be. The kids call me their step mum but that was their choice not mine. They now call me nearly mum which makes me laugh. U can't wade in and dish out advice when ur relationship is so new. Step back before ur alienate ur self completely cos if u end up doing that getting back to even will be a hard hill to climb. Good luck :)

Jaimo, hang in there. And read back through all the posts on this board. You will see that many stepparents (and/or partners of people with children) have had similar issues with kids, especially girls, of around that age. I did myself.

While I agree to a point with the advice that you do not get too focussed at this stage on changing things within their household, I do think it is perfectly fair and right that you establish some boundaries about 1) your interactions with the kids, and 2) your relationship with your girlfriend. I don't agree that six months is too early to be figuring out your place in things. Bad habits set now (and that includes being over-involved, too!) can mean real trouble later. Just keep in mind why you are there - at the moment, you are there (I presume) to love your girlfriend, enjoy her company, and get to know her family. You are still getting to know the kids, so focus on that.

1.) For example, it is quite right and also very wise of you not to allow yourself to be treated disrespectfully by your girlfriend's children. In fact, not nipping that in the bud will make all of your lives much harder later on, if you do end up living in the same home or mainatining a long-term relationship. In her house, it is your girlfriend's rules, and you would be better off just leaving her to it. However, you do not have to accept disrespect yourself. That means you don't wait on her, you don't clean up after her, you don't take sass. (I suggest you practice that particular tone of voice which says "I'm smiling but I really mean this" - I am crap at it, but I see others who are absolute masters of it, and it works! She leaves her stuff for you to carry, you laugh and say "sorry, love, I'm not your porter" and carry on with what you were doing.) Don't worry about what your girlfriend puts up with from them; just don't take any shit yourself.

2.) Dating a parent obviously requires more flexibility and more understanding when plans do have to be changed. You also need to have age-appropriate expectations of the kids. But you are still entitled to be treated with respect by your girlfriend, and to have your own time and obligations, and feelings, given equal place in the relationship as her own are.

PS, please don't spend any more time thinking about your girlfriend's daughter's periods. That's just ick. No offense, but really, just don't even try. It doesn't matter, anyway.

I remember my stepfather coming in thinking he could change everything. I thought he was a twat.

Sorry, i don't understand the digs about Jaimo only being with his partner for 6 months. I met my DSDs 6 months into my relationship with my now DH. Presumably the reason we are still happily married 9 years later is because he's always listened to me, discussed things and tried to understand any concerns i've had along the way - regardless of how long we had been together when i voiced them. Imo you need to start off as you mean to go on - in my case it has always been to be honest with my DH and have contentious discussions privately, and not directly interfere in his relationship with his daughters (though quietly influence/ advise when needed behind the scenes). I think that is all a step parent can ever really aspire to do if the kids don't live with you permanently.

I'm interested to know if Jaimo has kids of his own? because if not, I fail to see how he suddenly see's himself as an expert in parenting.

I had this once with an ex. He came into our lives, decided my kids needed more discipline, decided they didn't eat the right stuff and decided I did too much for them - he'd then go home where his mummy would be cooking his dinner and washing his clothes.

Needless to say, he didn't last long with us.

Firstly - who is to say that 6 months is too soon to be involved with someone's kids? It's up to the individual and their circumstances! My DP was pretty much living with us by 6 months. It's nobody else's business how long the OP and his gf were together!!
OP I think you need to detach. If I've learnt anything being a step parent it is that you are not responsible for their diet, their health or anything. That is the parents job. At 15 I would suggest that you befriend her. Don't try and be a father figure - she has managed well enough so far, she doesn't need a dad now. Help her Mum and her, if she treats you disrespectfully then pull her up on it by all means but DON'T tell her off or tell her MUm she is doing things wrong.
Let them get on with it, if your gf wants to baby her dd and be a mug that's her problem but you shouldn't have to.
My DP has spent this week cow towing to his kids. I have spent all week going and biting my tongue. Learn to pick your battles!!!

I do think there is an assumption by many step parents including myself particularly in the early days, that their advice is needed and so offer it, even quietly in private (as matanta said). Whereas it is probably more supportive to accept whatever decision is made by the DSC parents, no matter how bonkers it seems to you!

At the same time, it is important that your partner knows where your personal boundaries lie. My DP knows that I won't eat out until DSS table manners improve. What i haven't done is told him that DSS needs to eat nicely and this is what you should do. Similarly, OP, if you make it clear to your girlfriend that you are not prepared to wait on her DD, or prepare unbalanced meals for her - then your girlfriend knows where you stand.

As it happens, having made my boundaries clear, DP has now asked for my help to develop strategies that he can apply to address a problem that he has recognised

There isn't a 'right' way to parent, and just because you wouldn't do something doesn't mean that it's wrong, or that it won't work - step parents have known their DSC for a much shorter time than their parents have

If you want a long-term, healthy and positive relationship with this child (and I'm assuming you do) then you need to show her and her mother a great deal more respect. It takes a massively long time for a child (particularly a teenager) to accept a new person into their life, and as many other people have mentioned, this is all very full-on for a 6 month relationship.

You have to follow the lead of the parent. I do the cooking in our house. My DSS is a vegetarian - so I cook a separate veggie meal for him, because that is what his mother has chosen for him and I respect that (regardless of how I may feel about her parenting style).

I think the poster who said that sometimes a less 'loving' perspective can see issues that aren't as clear to a parent - but also you don't know what they have been through, or why the dynamic has developed.

I strongly believe that a step-parent's role is to support the parent, respectfully and patiently, not charge in and start pointing out all the things that the children do wrong, or labelling them 'little divas'.

I think the poster who said that sometimes a less 'loving' perspective can see issues that aren't as clear to a parent was right.

Sorry.