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Step-parenting

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Original poster

So sad :-( I love my man but we`re splitting up cos we cant live as a blended family

60 replies

Jodie33 · 02/04/2012 14:50

hi

Not really sure what i am looking for as i post this. I am just unbelievably devestated that my OH thinks we shouldnt be together anymore. The reason is the 4 of us cannot get on and live together peacefully in his house.

My DS and i have lived there for 8 months. We have been together 2yrs. I moved and changed every part of my life to be with him. Leaving a decent job, took my son out of an outstanding school. Left all my friends and family and moved 50 miles away from everything i knew. To a new town. To live with him and his DD who he has 50% of the time.

But it just hasnt worked for us. Well done to all of you SM`s out there who have been at it for yrs. i applaude you. Obviously you are doing a better job than i have done.

I am so clueless as to what to do now. My DS is doing fantastic at school. settled well. made nice friends (hes 6) school reports are brilliant. I dnt know if i should stay in the same area sos not to change his school for a 3rd time in 2yrs or whether my DS will eventually forgive me if i move us back nearer to my family and friends.?????? should i stay in a place where i hardly know anyone just for the sake of my son being happy at school? ...I feel i should not upset him anymore than i have to.

What would you do ?? maybe posted in wrong place? should it be relationships?? oh well. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Jodie33 · 03/04/2012 20:59

thankyou so much for your replies. They are so much help to me. (brought tears to my eyes as i read them!)

I will go home. Your right i shouldnt stay in this place til he`s 18. Whats the point. We will have much more of a varied happy life with close family and all my friends, that we never see at the mo cos they are so far away and i hardly have any money t drive that far!

Most ppl move at some point in their lives dont they.

I will do the same keeping his contact up with his dad . He would be able to see him a little more if we move back home! so that will be a selling point for me too use!

And your right clam How long would my DS have the same personality... Having an adult pick on you (so to speak) for long enough will end up doing some damage.

I do beat myself up terrible. what do you call it....a trait of mine!?? Confused I was exactly the same 3yrs ago when i left DS dad.

Its just such a messy thing when kids are involved.. splitting up... isnt it. When its just you .. pack your bag and off! so easy! oh well. shame.

OP posts:
PopcornGrace · 03/04/2012 21:07

Your little boy sounds absolutely lovely

I think you should move back - it's good for your boy to see you happy. That will give him confidence.

Sounds like a good idea as per makesjumpers not to live with a man while you have young children (or until you are married perhaps)

SardineQueen · 03/04/2012 21:34

It is hard. It is a big deal.

It's still the right decision Smile

Have you talked to DS about it?

Original poster
Jodie33 · 03/04/2012 21:34

I didnt realise some schools swapped classes around like that. I suppose they form lots of relationships that way.... That bit of info has made me feel a tad better about me moving him.

work i will have to leave my job. I only work 7.5hrs a week anyway as it was all i could find last nov that fitted in with me doing the school run everyday. As i didnt have anyone to help me with it as a back up plan! ... thinking about that has made me remember... the day i went to hos to have the abortion... I ended up signing myself out at 2.30pm so i could drive myself to DS school and pick him up at 3pm. Why havent i ever seen how bad OH has treated me!! Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
Jodie33 · 03/04/2012 21:39

No no no i havent said owt to my DS about it yet. This has only come about over the last 5days. and considering how long its going to take to apply to the LEA and get a decision for a new school i thought i`d leave it for a bit.... save him being upset for weeks.

Wrong decision?????

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 03/04/2012 21:45

OK

Call your old work
Call the old school & get him on waiting list
Call the LEA and put him on list for local schools specifying old school as first choice (I'm not sure if they are the ones to talk to about waiting list , can't do any harm to do both!)
Make your plan
Do it

Make some calls
Do it Smile

clam · 03/04/2012 22:22

It may be that your little boy is wanting to go back home anyway, but is tolerating where you are now in order to please you?

clam · 03/04/2012 22:23

And the waiting list for his old school might be a generic list for all ages. Were you told how many children are actually waiting to enter his year-group?

theredhen · 04/04/2012 07:24

Jodie, you've had some great advice. Don't waste any more time on this man. Be strong for your son. Things will work out, they always do.

Good luck!

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 04/04/2012 08:34

I think you should pack up and leave - even if it means a temporary stay with parents.

Just go.

This isn't a step parenting problem, it's an abusive partner problem.

See him for what he is and it will make you stronger.

DS deserves better - YOU deserve better.

Don't beat yourself up a second longer - take a deep breathe and grab back your lives.

Longtalljosie · 04/04/2012 11:10

Oh and your mum - well, she'll get used to it. Yes, obviously it would be better if your relationship were doing brilliantly and there was no need to move. But it's not, and you do need to move, and that's all there is to it.

Is there a teacher you got on with well at DS's old school? Could you make contact, and explain the situation, and ask her / him if they could put in a good word with the head? I know technically it shouldn't make a difference - but it's better if you're a person in their eyes, rather than a number...

Jessicaalbastwin · 04/04/2012 11:19

Go home hun, your OH sounds like a right S**T. He should not be talking to your son like that, you deserve better. Good luck love. Sending hugs.x

EightiesChick · 04/04/2012 11:26

Your son will be fine because he will be with you and you are on his side, and he is not being spoken to as if he is a piece of rubbish. I feel sorry for your step-daughter being treated like that too, but sadly you have to put your son and yourself first and go. Maybe your son could invite some of his friends in this town out to meet him at weekends?

Echo the advice to contact his old teacher at old school. And put him on the waiting list asap. It's worth trying at least.

Original poster
Jodie33 · 04/04/2012 15:06

Tried calling school. No luck. Have to wait til after hols.

Been to citizens advice to see bout getting housed.

DS off to his dads for 5 days so a little break for me and hopefully give me time to talk to OH bout it all.

He was telling me last night he is still undecided bout what to do!... even tho last week he said to go!.... He wants me but not all the hassle that we have had. hmmm??

Then wakes me in the night ... tapping me for a cuddle..... I mean its not like we dont like each other ... Just the situation of how we are living is complicated

Has anyone lived seperatly but still seen their fella? does that ever work.... After you`ve lived together??

OP posts:
somedayillbesaturdaynite · 04/04/2012 15:37

jodie pls read ur post from 21.34 last night before you consider continuing the relationship. he is an arse and it would only prolong and deepen your misery.

Vicky2011 · 04/04/2012 16:28

Get out. This man does not love you. He will never love your son and to be honest he sounds pretty horrid to his own daughter. Not. A. Catch.

janedoedoejanejanedoe · 04/04/2012 18:31

jodie, really, someone who forces you into an abortion - does not love you.

theredhen · 05/04/2012 07:22

Jodie, it'seasy for us to tell you to leave your dp, but I do think he is playing games with you in a very cruel way.

If you want to carry on a relationship with him, then do so but please move out for your ds sake.

It might help you to make a break if you don't feel it's so final and so much upheaval at once.

Once you're in your space, you will find your ability to see things clearly will get better.

smilingforonce · 05/04/2012 07:57

Are you still living together at the moment.if so can you pack up and go stay with your family over the easter hols. And then when you come back put your ds on waiting list for old school start looking for new homea etc.just dont leave before youhave somewere stable to go so then you dont have to move again. Maybe with time apart dpmight realise he treated you bad and might makw an effort but to be honest if he can talk to your child like that when your there how would he talk to him when your not there.my motto is if someone can treat you so bad therea always someone out there who will treat you better.look after your swlf xz

msrisotto · 05/04/2012 08:15

Your son will only ever be as happy as you are. Move back to where you have support and as someone else said, are you really going to stay in this place you recently moved to and desperately don't want to stay in, for 18 years? Face it, you're going to move eventually, just rip off the plaster and do it now rather than put it off when he will just get more emotionally invested. You're well rid of that bloke by the way.

RabidEasterEgg · 05/04/2012 08:29

So Sad for you, I personally think moving back to where you have family and friends to support you is for the best, As for youe Ex sleeping with your old friends, hold your head high, if they want your cast off that up to them.
Good luck x

timetoask · 05/04/2012 08:30

Calling his own daughter a "dickhead"?, you really want to continue seeing this guy?

Longtalljosie · 05/04/2012 09:04

Sweetie, earlier you expressed surprise that there were women who put their man over their children, and wondered how that happened. This is how. Their partner, who has been horrible to their child, shows the partner a bit of affection and they decide they don't want to be lonely and pretend the nasty language isn't an issue. Effectively, they stick their head in the sand. Please don't. It happens so frequently.

Original poster
Jodie33 · 05/04/2012 10:03

Thanks ok ok.... I am listening to what you are all saying, i see now he hasnt treated me in the best way. I have always had an issue with the "not so nice" language he uses i dont think kids (any kids) in general need to be hearing stuff like that, (or even have it shouted in their face as he does to his DD) altho the cave man of a bloke i live with says ... my house... al say what i like. Having no respect for anybody else! Shock

Yes i am still living with him at the mo. DS is off to his dads and i am camping out at my sister-in-laws till tues next wk.
We had a conversation last night... He said it annoys him, winds him up, sends his blood pressure sky high when we are all together he cant cope with 2 kids. admits he isnt a "kiddie" person and isnt interested in anything either of them do. According to him all he wants is me and him. Not the whole lets be a family.
I told him a few home truths. About what he is like with his daughter, That he gives her no time. Shes 5, craves attention from her dad constantly and all he does is say "go and play will you im busy". I said you cant be nice to her half the time so i know you could never be nice to someone elses child. He thinks taking her to the pub (where all his mates are) is fun for her and that she enjoys it, and will tell her the 2 parks theyve walked past to get to the pub are closed!! Hmm

I told him at 34yr old he should be able to say a polite hello or goodbye to my DS when he is off to work.... Seeing as DS always shouts or goes looking for him to say bye and he never says owt back. When other family members have noticed he comes in and says hello to everyone but him... its bad isnt it.

Anyway gladly he had an awful night with his DD she was constantly shouting him till 4am crying for her mum and pleading with him please dont leave me daddy.... i want you. He spent all night huffing and puffing.
Then he gets up this morning like he has had a personality transplant. Nice to me. Nice to DD. Spoke to DS shock. horror Kisses me bye, says bye to DS. Too little too late me thinks!

OP posts:
janedoedoejanejanedoe · 05/04/2012 10:37

typical behaviour of an abusive man, he will change for as long as it takes to get you back on side.

His poor, poor, poor DD, that made me cry, get yourself and DS out of there, and if you can, tell DDs family what is going on when he has her.