So sad :-( I love my man but we`re splitting up cos we cant live as a blended family

[Jodie33]

hi

Not really sure what i am looking for as i post this. I am just unbelievably devestated that my OH thinks we shouldnt be together anymore. The reason is the 4 of us cannot get on and live together peacefully in his house.

My DS and i have lived there for 8 months. We have been together 2yrs. I moved and changed every part of my life to be with him. Leaving a decent job, took my son out of an outstanding school. Left all my friends and family and moved 50 miles away from everything i knew. To a new town. To live with him and his DD who he has 50% of the time.

But it just hasnt worked for us. Well done to all of you SM`s out there who have been at it for yrs. i applaude you. Obviously you are doing a better job than i have done.

I am so clueless as to what to do now. My DS is doing fantastic at school. settled well. made nice friends (hes 6) school reports are brilliant. I dnt know if i should stay in the same area sos not to change his school for a 3rd time in 2yrs or whether my DS will eventually forgive me if i move us back nearer to my family and friends.?????? should i stay in a place where i hardly know anyone just for the sake of my son being happy at school? ...I feel i should not upset him anymore than i have to.

What would you do ?? maybe posted in wrong place? should it be relationships?? oh well. :(

Really feel for you... am at crisis point at moment in my blended family and have posted today in fact. If there is no way back with your ex I would go home. You will need your friends and family around you - and he will adjust - it would be different he was in secondary school and friendships made etc. kids are great - they usually adjust and bounce right back. He will want to see you happy and you have to make the right choice for you so you can stay being a good, happy mum. Can you not try and get him back into his old school - call them and give them the full, story they might be able to help get him back to his old class... good luck

Hi Jodie. What's been going wrong? Are you sure you're not able to work it out?

U say that the reason is u can't get on and live peacefully in the house together. What does that actually mean? What's going on that's not peaceful? Can u give some instances of what's going on. Is it like a warzone in ur house or is it that the kids don't get on? Or are u both not getting on? Are u parenting as a team or as individuals? I'm trying to get a clear view of how the relationship as broken down to such a degree that u splitting up is the only course of action after you've moved yourself to be with him? Are u sure it's over?

Sorry things haven't worked out for you.

But on the school front - if your DS was happy at his last school, and settled well at the new one, sounds like he's the sort of child that will do well wherever he is. And at 6, friendships are quite flexible. I wouldn't worry about moving him again if you think it's the best thing for you both in the long run.

Moved my DD last year when she was 7 and she settled within weeks. I think your DS will "forgive" you if you simply explain to him that things have changed and you have to move - and make it sound as positive as you can. Could he go back to the school he was at before you moved?

Hi thankYou so much for your replies. It means alot. Esp when someone is in a dark place :(

I could try and get him back into his old school, It was a good school. Altho i was skipping happily up the school path when we left there! as his dad (as a way of getting back at me.. i think) started sleeping with some of the mums i thought i was "friends" with!! I was the last to k now, and slightly embarrassed! lol But i could put up with the looks and whispers if it makes my son happy.

I do feel i want to be near family and friends. I dont feel that "hanging around" the town we`ve moved to (the only reason was to be with my OH) would be of any benefit to my child.... as its always a constant reminder of why we came and questions of why cant we go back to the house. we used to live there..... Where-as i think moving back "home" it would be out of sight out of mind and my DS would forget quicker. I thought this would help more than staying???? Or is that just me being selfish... cos i dnt want to be bumping into him, his parents, friends, his DD and her mum etc.. everyday.

Whats been going wrong... Hmmm so many things...
(maybe small things but built up??)

OH doesnt speak to my DS. Not a hello goodbye. Only thing he manages to say is things like.. "pick that up will you" or "stop gobbing and just eat your tea will you" ( that was my son telling me bout what he`d done at school that day.. but OH wasnt interested in listening. he wanted his tea in peace)

His DD telling fibs bout me (which i did post about cos i was really worried it didnt go any further i.e shes hurt me police involved etc.. )

His DD has alot of issues that OH and her mum are trying to sort... very angry, naughty, hitting OH, lashing out, cant control her, constantly in a bad mood. ( even tho shes only 5) I think shes struggling cos i moved in here with my son where she USED to live with her mum before she walked out. so for half the week she isnt here ..she knows we are... and by the time she gets here shes so wound up shes nearly purple screamin at me and her dad ready to explode!!

I cant have DSD on my own cos i cant do anything with her, she doesnt listen to me, (dnt cross the rd wait for me.... she just goes across! Shes 5yrs old). cos i cant have her OH finds this fustrating as if i am not helping him enough.

All we do is argue bout the kids cos we parent so differently. We do back each other up in times of you`ve just been told once...etc..telling off situations but it stops there. OH thinks its ok for DD at 5 to still be up at 10pm on a school night.... where as my son likes sleeeeep and asks to go to bed bout 7.30 and read books. OH finds this annoying as if we ever go out at night i am always asking if we can go now cos my DS is tired.... we dont ever go tho. Me and DS always have to wait till a time that suits OH. (then he wonders why his DD is grumpy the next day when she didnt go to bed till late !! )

OH thinks we should live happy no arguments everyone to get on ... but i keep telling him we arent a normal family!! these arent "OUR" kids. He is an only child... so he cannot understand the "brother, sister squabbles" that the kids might have. Whereas i am 1 of 4 so i know you have to fight for what you want SOMETIMES with your siblings! (I`m beginning to think he isnt really a "kiddie" person if you know what i mean. wont play with them, would rather take them somewhere he would enjoy rather than the kids would enjoy)

The kids do get on.. When his DD isnt in a mood and will play for 10 mins with my DS. The problem is with me and OH. I moved here having him tell me some day he would like to re marry and have more children. asked what my views passions future thoughts were. i said im not too fussed bout marriage but i would absolutly love more kids. low and behold 10 months later... i move in... i got pregnant.... and he made me have an abortion saying hed changed his mind bout kids... his DD problems had put him off for life. he couldnt cope with another like her...

Maybe i havent forgiven him for that....??? ... anyway thats just a few instances. over the last 6 months.

I think you are right i just need to go home... :(

Jodie I remember your thread about your DSDs lying.
I'm so sorry things have gone so wrong for you and that he made you have an abortion. What a horrible situation.
You are right moving home is the best option all round. A fresh start for you and DS.
His loss. You deserve better than that.

Oh Jodie :( If I were you I'd move back home. You deserve to be treated better than all of that

I'm sorry, I appreciate that you love him - but if he's speaking to your DS like that he needs to go, regardless of any other issues. Go home. And know that you're being the best possible mother by doing so.

it sounds like you are doing the right thing by moving out. Cut your losses and move home. Poor you it all sounds like a nightmare :(

Jodie, if you go back home, can your son slot back into his old school? If so, I wouldn't hesitate.

Everyone gets it wrong sometimes, don't beat yourself up. We all make decisions based on the best available information at the time.

You sound like a lovely mum. Your son is lucky, he will be fine.

yes... I see what you are all saying... i just needed to convince myself that it was the right thing to do.. to go back near family and friends.

There is a waiting list for his old school i`ve just rung school addmissions. So its unlikely he will get back in there.

Yes longtall you are right.... talking to (or not talking to in OH case) my DS as he does is out of order. He puts my DS in the same "box" as his DD. That "YOU" both dont listen. "YOU" both are pains in the backside! No mate, if your telling your DD off dont drag anyone else into it!!
(actually come to think about it his favourite phrase to his DD at the min when he is super annoyed with her is ....Will you stop being a dickhead! How awful/degrading for a 5yr old to listen to..... from her own dad!!

But my son has no problems. He isnt a bit of trouble... he does well at school, likes to please ppl, always getting awards at school. He is polite and kind and is grateful even to get a 20p mix! like its the world!

So why i say that i love my OH i dont know... when he treats DS like crap for no reason what-so-ever.

I suppose its harder for some men to take on another mans child.

Hasnt worked for me has it!!...... Not a very good judge of character am i!!

Everyone who has an ex has made an incorrect decision. You're no worse than anyone else in that respect

But you are much better than many others in that you are not putting your man before your child. That seems to happen an awful lot

does that happen alot!?

I am just frightened now that i am putting my own needs before my sons. I desperatly dont want to stop in this town. To be reminded everyday why i came here and failed. I just want to move on and enjoy my life and move near home.

but after talking to my mum..... she thinks that moving my son to a 3rd school in 18months will be disasterous for him. That i will break his heart making him leave his little friends that hes only just made. He is doing so well at school, my mum feels this will be a harsh punishment for him when hes done no wrong :(

I cant see the wood for the trees I just cant decide what is best. I will depart from OH house. but to go where..... I dont know ????

Hang on though - wouldn't he be going back to his old school?

I'm from a services family, I changed primary schools every two years. Nowt wrong with me

I`ve just spoke to admissions for schools and his old one is at full capacity. So unless something changes after the easter holidays.. probably not

Maybe he will have to go to a school in the same area.?

I understand putting him back in his old school wouldnt be as traumatic for him... but the choice isnt in my hands if school is full...is that bad?

LOL bout you twitch! did it effect you really??

you could put his name down on the waiting list, maybe home school him for a while if they think the wait will be short? I don't know if that is an option for you.

I moved in with someone after my divorce (he was nothing to do with the divorce, separate things completely) and within 6 months I had left again. I couldn't stay with him, it was such a mistake, he was a lovely guy but i hated where i'd moved to and we were so incompatible. Telling my DC we were moving again was awful, they burst into tears and I was devastated, it was the only time I felt i'd failed them as a mother. We moved yet again to a new area (going home wasn't an option for me), they got the biggest bedrooms in our new flat to help make amends and soon settled into their new school. We've been here now for 9 years and it worked very well for us. I didn't get involved with another man again for many years as I couldn't bear to make the same mistake twice. I casually dated but kept men well away from DC. I'm in a relationship now but we live apart and plan to stay that way until my DC have left home. Of course my reaction was extreme and not one anyone else has to follow .

You're doing the right thing leaving and moving back, your DC will soon settle, and your partner sounds like he could be a very damaging influence on your child.

my DC moved from original school to new one (at start of autumn term) then 6 months later moved again (June). I can honestly say they were fine. I felt dreadful about what i'd done though . We did move to a nicer area and they got bigger rooms and throughout it all they kept seeing their father the same as before so there was stability in their lives. Everyone makes mistakes, the thing is to learn from them.

actually it was more than 6 months, I think I'd made my mind up by then and sorting things out took a while.

Well - the change at 8 was difficult because I moved to a crap school which refused to accept I was on maths book 5 and made me do maths book 4 again. VERY boring and pointless. But let's face it - are you really going to stay in an area with no support until he's 18? Because if not he's got to leave his new friends at some point...

I have just read your post, your EX is a knob, he doesnt love you, no one who is in a stable committed relationship forces someone to abort a baby THEY WANT, (although I understand why you did it believe me).

He is abusive to you (sorry) and emotionally abusive to your son.

You will be so better off out of there.

And DS will be fine moving schools, better to move and travel to work until you find a new job - the LA will have to find him a school if you move.

You will be so much happier out of that toxic environment.

you know what? maybe three schools in a short period isn't the ideal for your DS - but he'll settle down; kids are more flexible and resilient than we are as adults, frankly, and it sounds like this will be a chnage for the better in the long run, which is the important thing. In five, ten, twenty years time, is it going to matter that he left a school (where he hasn't been even a full year) to go to another one? Or is it going to matter that his mum is happier, that he is being treated with respect in his home, and that you've been able to make positive parenting choices for him?

Don't beat yourself up. Just move forward and do the best for you and for DS both.

Your OH sounds like a pretty crap parent, based on what you've said, and that sucks for his DD, who seems to have some problem behaviours. But that isn't something you can fix or make up for. He doesn't seem like someone who is open to change and compromise. That is not someone I'd want to have a relationship with anyway, but it is definitely a nightmare in a blended family.

I'm sorry about your terminated pregnancy. I hope you can just close the door on this period in your life and go make new choices that are your choices.

My DD's school has a policy of swapping the two classes in a year group around every two years. They actually think it's good for the kids to rejiggle their friendships a bit from time to time. It's obviously not quite the same as moving to a new school when you're the only new one, but after a few weeks I'm sure your DS would have new friends and be just as happy - assuming you can find a school you like for him. Best ask the LEA where does have spaces before you make the move. If none of them do, then they'll have to let him in somewhere even if it means going over 30 in a class, so you might just be able to get him back in his old one.

Oh gosh.
Put your DS on the waiting list to go back to his old school.
Go home back to your friends and family. What about work?
You tried it, it is really not right, cut your losses and don't look back.
Your OH sounds really unpleasant and you and your son will be much happier without him

My friend's kids' elementary school in the US jumbles its classes (6 of them!) every academic year. Kids cope fine, as it's just what it is. They get on with it.

Ease up on yourself. You made an error of judgement - or rather, your bloke let you down. Worse things happen to kids, but surely it's better for your ds all round that you get the hell out of living with someone who doesn't have his best interests at heart. How much longer would you be able to say your ds is a sweetie with no problems living like this? And even if he can't get back into the exact same school as before, chances are he can see his old mates for football, Beavers, playdates etc... Not to mention the family support you'll be getting.

Go home!