The phone calls dont stop!!

[Galvanise]

Hi everyone, need advice...!

I have a dsd (6) and 2dc (3 and 1 yrs). Dsd has settled with us after much hard work and has a routine which has helped her settle. Both dp and i work and as we step into the house after a day's work, the phone starts ringing and it is dsd's mother. She calls 2-3 times within 2 hours! Now i know she likes to say goodnight but that really disrupts the evening as if the call is too long then dsd starts missing her mum and the evening drags into tears and talks and my other dcs dont get to eat or sleep on time. Dsd does like the calls from her mum but i believe that what she likes and what is good for her are 2 different things.

Would it be ok for me to say to dsd mum that please call only once and call early evening rather than before bed time as all my hard work is being undone. But what if she says that she wants to say goodnight?

We get this - it's disruptive and upsetting for dsd's and their mum does it entirely for her own benefit - although she would disagree with that.

Your DP needs to tell her to stop. he needs to tell her that she is upsetting dsd and that she is fine and happy until the phone call and then is not. She needs to be told firmly that DP will not allow her to keep on upsetting this child and that in future there will be no more than 1 phone call per eveing and it will be dsd who makes it.

It's about what's best for the child and what is happening now is clearly not.

Eurgh, we get this - the calls are at meal time and at bedtime... so inconsiderate to both us and DSD. She goes to bed missing Mum whereas before the conversation she has been fine.

But then again I think that is the plan.

What you suggest is more than reasonable. My two DCs have gone overnight to their dad's since youngest was a year old. I would never dream of ringing as often as that. Of course it will disrupt them - their dad is looking after them and should be allowed to get on with it.

Tell her that it disrupts her DD and makes her sad, and suggest an after tea call instead (unless initiated by DSD at bedtime). Or offer to text her for reassurance after DSD has gone to bed instead. Would look to drop that call too in a while, but one step at a time maybe.

Or if that fails, switch the ringer off, then call her back/text her after DSD has gone to bed, apologise for not having heard the phone/failed to get to it in time, and tell her all is well.

So does she live with you full time?

Yes, she lives with us full time. She visits her mum in holidays.

It must be hard for her mum, was my first thought. Hard for the daughter too.

poopoo on that basis, NR dads have it equally tough and would be justified in calling as frequently?

That often treated as harassment; why is it different for mums?

agree with notadisneymum

I didn't say it was any different for mums. I said it must be hard, no more, no less.

Apologies - as you asked who the OPs DSD lived with, i assumed that you consider it relevant as to whether or not her mums behaviour is reasonable.

No just trying to get my head around it.

Yes it must be hard for mum but i cant help but feel that she makes it hard for daughter with the non-stop calls.

We do not encourage phone calls back and forth to either parent, unless the children ask, which is a rarity. It's selfish and unnecessary. My ex used to do this and it used to upset my boys at bedtime. Once this stopped everyone was more settled. Good luck

You shouldn't say anything to her mum - it needs to cme from DH or there will be fireworks!