Am I right to be annoyed??

[RhiRhi123]

DH and I have been invited to my friends Bday party which we have known about for weeks. I knew it was an access weekend as it's the first thing I check so that we have plenty of notice to try and make childcare arrangements.

Anyway I kept reminding DH about the party and he said i'm sorting it out and just brushing it off. The party is this Saturday. I assumed that we would pick DSS up on fri eve as usual and maybe drop him back on sat at 6pm rather than sunday maybe. My parents offered to look after our DD for the evening. They are going to some family friends and are taking DD with them. I don't want to infringe on their night even more by getting them to take DSS (12) with them as I don't think it's fair on either them or DSS.

Anyway a bit of a back story MIL lives about 50 miles away near DSS and thinks the sun shines out of his backside buys him whatever he asks for eg tv's phones etc for no reason. She has seen DD 5 times since she has been born shes 10mo and never buys her anything! this is a massive issue in itself and because of this and a long list of negative comments she makes towards me everytime i see her i don't really like the woman.

However DH has just rung me and said I've sorted out the weekend my mum is coming down on saturday night to stay with us and babysit DSS and DD she is going to take DSS back on sunday.

Am I wrong to be extremely pissed off that my DH did this without checking with me first? it means I am going to have to sort out somewhere for her to sleep wash bedding etc. Provide dinner before we go out and do lunch etc the next day while entertaining her. I work full time and really don't want to be spending my weekend like this. My DD doesn't know MIL she has completely different parenting views to me and she's so wrapped up in DSS it wouldn't surprise me if she left DD sitting in her high chair all eve. I am not comfortable with leaving my DD with her. My DD doesn't know her and is at her clingy stage. I know I won't be able to relax all evening and am at the point where I feel like not even going to the party.

I know you might think she is doing us a favour but I can assure you it is only because DSS is going to be with us. she wouldn't dream of driving 50 miles to look after DD she has no interest in her. She has never not once come to see DD when DSS hasn't been here. it's not to help us out IYSWIM it's to see DSS.

Sorry long but WWYD??

I would keep the arrangements you already have with regards to your dd.

And your DH can sort out his mother re feeding and sleeping arrangments.

Your DH seems to have sorted it. Your parents can now be free, you can go to the party and your MIL can get to know her other grandchild.

Thanks for replying wheredid.

I was thinking about keeping things the same but I don't want to give her more ammo for her snipes at me it will be the old 'you obviously think im incapable' which will cause more tension. I don't want to seem like i'm trying to make things difficult.

I've got more chance of becoming Queen for the day. He see's the access weekend as his time with DSS which is fair enough but it's at the detriment of everything else and I am left with all the chores to do. Him and DSS will play on the PS or go to the beach and leave me behind with MIL. Now I would love to have a family walk to the beach but all I get from MIL is 'o no I don't fancy it' no good reason so they go anyway and i'm bloody left with her!

exotic. I wish it was that simple! to most thats how it would be and that's how it should be but it won't happen like that. Our DD is like a 2nd class citizen to her and I don't feel comfortable leaving her with someone that treats her like that.

I would leave dd with your parents as planned (say they are looking forward to having her) but suggest to DH that he and DSS should spend quality time with MIL on Sunday.
If she is going to bitch about you anyway why bother to try and please her?

It is horrible that she leaves your dd out and there is not much you can do about that, but you aren't obliged to leave your dd with her.

What exotic said re solution.

Also without more history hard to tell, but are you sure dd is second class citizen? How much opportunity have you given her to spend time with her?

Don't know much of your backstory but are you sure you are not looking for excuses to find fault? She may surprise you . I am not saying that to have a dig but I know that I had issues with my mum "taking over" based on my experience with her which meant I found any excuse for her not to care for my pfb.

Also some Gp are better with older kids, boys or girls. My mil had 3 boys- is much better with grandsons
And also with older kids (not that keen on babies til they talk) . I am not saying this is ideal but it happens.

Wouldn't it have been easier for DSS to be dropped back at home at 6pm (for example) on Saturday night, rather than bring the MIL over and then you have to entertain her for the rest of the weekend?

Although I can see why your DH has done this: he wants to have the full extent of his access weekend, even if he's not actually spending time with his son. Which seems totally illogical to the rest of us, but not to a non-resident father. And I doubt the implications of having MIL over will have crossed his mind.

So yes - you are right to be annoyed. And given that you're not confident with her abilities to care for the younger child, then it's even more frustrating.

well... his mum lives a long way away so it is chance for dh to see her (whatever her motives), also means he doesn't have to cut short his time with his son which must be a good thing. So it is a great solution!

That said, it would have been courtesy to run it past you - though maybe he knew you would try to talk him out of it?

I agree your dd shouldn't be left with a stranger even if it is her other gran, it would be very stressful for her. So a chat with your dh to agree that shouldn't happen would be useful, then your mil can get to spend time with her with you too as she will be around sunday and you can bring dd back for that. It might even (maybe) make spending time with her less of a strain as you can use your dd as a distraction / excuse to leave the room / talking point.

If mil is offended at dd still going to your mums your dh should reassure her it is nothing personal but to dd she isn't known family and dd will spend time with her on sunday.

tbh it sounds like a great solution, if a bit annoying you weren't consulted.

Of course it will rub that this woman you don't like is in your house etc etc but she ain't going to go away and she will always be in your life so at least if she visits when you are out for the evening the pain is relatively reduced iyswim.

Can you also chat to dh so the extra chores involved are spread evenly? :)

Thanks everyone. Between my mum and my sister they have my DD while I am at work so can't really say they are looking foward to having her. Although they love having her. I dn't think MIL would swallow that excuse!

I think if i'm honest MIL just prefers boys. She went to the hospital when DSS was born but didn't come and see DD till she was ten days old which upset me. even then she stayed and hour and a half because she had to pick DSS up because she was having him over to hers for tea. It's all things like that have made me feel the way I do. I do think she see's DD as 2nd class. Every time she see's DSs she buys him something whereas she NEVER buys anything for DD not even an item of clothing. She also has a savings account for DSS but not for DD.

Yes Petal it would be easier if only DH would see that! I think in reality I am annoyed that my Dh has arranged it behind my back and that once again because we happen to have a function on an access weekend it all gets turned into a big drama with my DH thinking of any option rather than dropping him back a bit earlier even though it's not necessarily the best option for everyone.

Does anyone else have this you either end up not going to parties/functions etc or end up going on your own because access won't can't be rearranged? why can't it ever be simple?

It is frustrating your weekend has been hijacked - especially a precious weekend after a week at work. I do sympathise.

however, it is one weekend only - it gives your dh an unexpected opportunity to spend time with two people he loves, and gives your dd chance to spend time with her lesser-spotted gran, so as a one-off effort, on balance it sounds worth it to me - from a whole family point of view.

Doesn't mean you have to enjoy all of it though and if your dh understands that aspect he will probably appreciate your generosity in facilitating the situation and love you more for it.

Sometimes families mean doing things we wouldn't always choose to do - even if it sticks in the throat a bit.

Hope the party is brilliant and your weekend isn't all selfless acts of tolerance under sufferance.

We've never actually had to miss a function/party due to access - however there have been many ridiculous dramas over the years. DH insists on honouring the usual pick-up/drop-off times, even if he doesn't spend time with DSS during those periods, and there have been odd occasions (ie a family wedding) when he's collected DSS from his mother's, taken him to a relative for the duration of the access weekend, and then collected him from that relative and taken him back to his mother's on Sunday evening. Many hundreds of miles were driven, but DH, DSS and the ex were all happy, because - technically - access has taken place. In our household, the definition of "access" is for DH to remove DSS from his mother's at a specified time, it has nothing to do with DH/DSS spending time together.

You sound so reasonable Gin.

It's like a flippin' military operation trying to arrange an evening out.

The thing is the less time my Dh and his mother spend together with the kids the better. MIL is VERY overbearing with DSS and my DH will say 'no he's not having sweets before dinner' or 'no bed time is at x time not whenever he feels tired' etc and she pays no attention and they end up having a shouting match and I don't want that.

DD isn't a distraction for her. I had some new pictures of DD printed and showed MIL the album last time she came down while DH and DSS were on the PS and she looked at about 2 pages and put it down with one of those 'faces' like she really wasn't interested. All she ends up fucking talking about it DSS's mother who she says she hates but you don't spend THAT much time talking about someone you 'hate'!

I'll try and do that with DH I'll tell him where bedding is etc then he can deal with it. At the same time MIL will get her 2pence in. I get the 'your so lazy'. I work 44 hours a week and have 2 hours of travelling a day and have a 10mo I don't have time to be lazy!

Hi petal! I keep up with your story! I can see it being like that with us as DSS gets older. Just like your DSS my DSS clings to my DH like a limpet he even stands outside the door when my husband is in the loo/shower. It's a bit creepy. I understand they don't get to see each other everyday but I just find it odd.
Like you whenever we do anything as a family if DSS can't walk next to my DH even if it's cause the pavement is too narrow he gets in a strop. I've made a rod for my own back really because my MIL used to tell me to stay out the way and let them do what they want to do so I did and now I seem to lead a separate life on the weekend and whenever we try to all do something together DSS doesn't like it.

Booo - she sounds like very hard work!!!

You sound like a total trooper!! Those are long hours to work/travel and with a lo too

maybe you could think of it as an investment... if you have this weekend with the MIL you can put off the next visit till ooooo at least christmas!

Aren't people who over-rule / undermine you in front of the kids totally thoughtless and it causes so much tension. At least you won't be around at bedtime so what you don't know won't hurt you there.

I think the winning strategy might be to be on total charm offensive all weekend, taking lots of interest in her life, news etc make her feel ultra welcome, then when she is an arse you have the total moral high ground. (that's if you can find the energy of course)

At least you will know that for every barbed remark there are at least 20 mners out there on your side who know you're lovely and she is a misery. Her only saving grace being that she produced the man you love.

ahhhhh - just read your last post op. My heart goes out to your dss. Must be very hard for you to live with, but what kind of emotions must he be feeling to behave like that. so sad. :(

He's at a very tender age too, if he is like that I can see why your dh doesn't want to short change him.

On the plus side, from your point of view - give it about 5 years or even less and dss won't want to be doing any of that and will be spending all his time with his mates and it will all be a distant memory.

Keep being supportive of your dh - he is dad to a boy who is obviously traumatised to some degree by events in his life so far and I'm sure dss will come round to you in the end given time and patience.

At least you have your own dd who you can surround with love and dh can be full parent to.

Hope you have some good friends in RL you can offload too and get cocktails good doses of sympathy from.

Aww thanks Gin

I think christmas is too soon! lol

I can't stand it when she tells my DH what he should be doing. I think she thinks that DH is incapable because he is the NRP. However without going into it my DH didn't have a good childhood so I don't know why she thinks she is a good role model. On the other hand I think she is trying to make it up through DSS by giving him whatever he wants which isn't going to make him grow up into a sensible adult. I guess i'll never know!!

A few G&T's deep breaths and a and all will be wonderful!!

RhiRhi I sympathise. Even now that DSSs are 16 and 13, when any kind of social event in the future is mentioned, DH's first response will always be "is that a boys weekend". I've done many things on my own due to this issue. Normal things like bringing the children to be "looked after" by a friend has been off-limits and until very recently, we could never have even left them in the care of a relative on an "access" weekend.

Even a month ago DH transported the children to his father for the day when he had an event he couldn't miss one weekend (I was away). God only knows why a 16yo would want/need to be "babysat" but who am I to question.

I agree DSS has some issues he is very angry but he is also becoming very manipulative he tries to play his mum dad and nan off against each other.

My DH and his mum we're more of a fling and split up before he was born so although he has never lived with DH he hasn't had it taken away and a breakup to go through IYSWIM? he had a lot of problems at school last year and was being excluded for bullying 1nce or 2wice a month for around 6-8 months until he went to secondry school. It seems to have stopped now which is good and he has been MUCH better behaved when he stays with us. It was an absolute nightmare for ages but we're getting there one step at a time!

Sorry i'm typing really slow I am at work so I'm trying to keep up!

Here

We have never ever been out together on an access weekend. If we are invited anywhere I go on my own or he does depending on what it is .

Even New Years eve we spent apart because he had his dc that weekend and I went out with my friends on my own.
DP would rather setbfire to himself than give them back to their mum a second earlier than it states on THE BIBLE CONTRACT and as for missing a night - perish the thought!!!
We aren't engaged but when we did tentatively discuss marriage a while back I was told it would have to be on an access weekend and we could only go on honeymoon for 5 days as he couldn't miss an evening access with them.

Hi allnew you aren't filling me with confidence 16 !! I think if the kids have the backwards fowards routine for so many years mayb no one really feels they can say they want it to stop. Either parent or kids??

My DH used to pick DSs up on a sat morn and go to work for the day rather than picking DSS up after work. Luckily he doesn't work sats anymore.

We have done that once. One of my friends (a primary school teacher) looked after DSS and my DD and he really tried it on with her asking to go to the shops at 8pm and helping himself to sweets when she was feeding the baby etc and the usual 'well my dad would let me'. Whereas we get my 'mum lets me' when in actaul fact neither would.

It's put me off. I get to the point where I would rather go on my own!

OMG kaluki re the wedding. Was he serious? What ages are your DSC?

Thanks Gin! i'm glad you feel better!

Kaluki we got married abroad and DSS was all booked and paid to come then 3 weeks before his mother decided he wasn't allowed for no good reason - We even booked it so it was in half term so he could come meaning it was more expensive for everyone else. Because it was so close to the date we couldn't get it refunded so lost £500. I don't know how a mother can do that to their own child. We then had to make sure our reception back here was on an access weekend and we have just booked DD's christening you guessed it.. on an access weekend so he can come.

I even got told by MIL when I was ready to give birth that 'she better come early or late because you are having DSS on the weekend you are due' how insensitive and she was deadly serious!

RhiRhi

That's horrendous! Is dss mum a bitter single by any chance?

Bonkers isn't it. She must be cutting her nose of to spite her face cos surely if they swapped the odd weekend over for certain occasions there would be times when it would work in her favour too.

Some people just never grow up do they!? - even when they are officially classed as adults parents.

Sorry RhiRhi awful of me - nearly forgot.

of - off!