SIL Baby coming ... s**t really gonna hit the fan.

[NewYearsDaysie]

Right then need to vent somewhere where I won't get my head bitten off (or risking a shit weekend full of sulking DH) for doing so. Have no energy to go into back ground so please read my other threads for thatcan of worms.

SIL is having her long awaited baby today and DSD's issues have still not been dealt with. SIL is worried that DSD will hate the baby and is stressing, they and DH have put it off and put it off and now its too late to deal with stuff before bubs arrives because well basically it's here! Soooo many issues..I just know that this is going to really cause probs for S/BIL and they deserve to enjoy theior new baby. They are going to end up having the same feelings towards DSD that I wanted to avoid her having by comingto live with us. Very stressed about this....very excited about baby coming none the less.

How ironic that the OP says that its sad the BIL doesn't pay DSD enough attention when the child's own biological dad won't even allow her to live with him and his new family. How ironic that the OP says that her DSD is very insecure because her BM yet no mention about the insecurity from her dad's, OP's DH, actions and feelings.

I am not a parent nor a step-parent but a person can't help but read this little girl's situation and feel incredible sadness for her because the two people who are suppose to protect and love her, her parents, have let her down. Stories like these rests on my mind. I don't know who the OP is or her DSD but the little girl compels me and makes me want to say a prayer for her even though I am not religious at all.

I guess I have to give credit to BIL and SIL for stepping up to the plate when her dad and mum, and social services failed her or she would still be back in the revolving door of foster care. But it makes me wonder what will happen to this almost 12 year-old and her future.

I wonder if she will end up back in foster care now that BIL/SIL have their own kid and her Dad won't take full responsibility for her. The OP has given them an out because of her reasons for not taking DSD when she was just 8 years-old. Is the DSD trying to bond with the OP in the hopes that one day she can live with her dad and half-siblings? Or will she always be on the outside of both families, not really part of her aunt/uncles and yet not part of her dad, just accepting the scraps of love thrown her way? Will she always be searching for love and acceptance in the wrong crowd/men/friends and turn out like her mother? Or will she be one of the lucky ones who overcome their difficult childhood and unfortunate circumstances to one day have a successful career and family life with a man who will love her and appreciate her?

I wonder if the dad pays his brother maintenance? I wonder if possible, allowing BIL and SIL to adopt her will give a better future. OP says that DSD wants to know why she can't live with her her BM but you have to think that DSD also wonders why she can't live with her Dad. I wonder if and when DSD finally gets the whole sordid story, will stop bonding with the OP because of her decision? Then who will be the adult that she can talk to? Who will be her safety net and rebuild her up again? Will she have built up enough mechanisms to cope with news? News like this should be done with psychologists/counsellors on hand.

I am sorry for the musings but like I said earlier, I don't know this 12 year-old girl (and very much about the whole situation) but from what I do know, her story touched me. I might be a naive fool but I am rooting for her to overcome the odds.

Newyears - tryin hard not to judge you or your DH as I don't know your situation. Was the only reason you didn't take her in that you had a 12month old? If you didn't have the time or energy to take on another child why did you have more DCs of your own? Did your DH want her?

IMO having more children, yes is hard work but the children get more attention because they not only have parents to love them but siblings too.

Your SIL and BIL sound very special and probably wouldn't want to give her up now but definately need your support and your DSD needs her dad!

Passion Thank you for your musings they are nothing I have not heard before and also some of them I feel myself. Do not judge my DH for lack of attention, there are many reasons for it. YOu do not know the background or the situations we found ourselves in during the time leading up to the final removal of the children from the BM. BIL and SIL are not allowed to adopt her. Social Services have said that BM should still have a door open if she wants it.

mumsno no the fact I had a 12 month old and a six week old baby were not the only reasons that we didn't take her in. The resons were wide and varied. The fact that I didn't have the time and energy to take on a child that I would be responsible for raising with a huge amount of emotional, educational, social issues that I had been told that we wouldn't ever have a chance to parent because SS were helping her mother cope with the strain of her children was merely one of them was one of many reasons.

I am not saying that my DH is perfect..far from it but he also had two other children's welfare to think of, a wife with PND (not using it as an excuse merely stating a fact) and was sole earner for the family and we assumed that this would be yet another time when we would have her for a length of time and then the BM would end up crawling back saying she'd changed and DSD would go back again and the cycle would start all over again.

I totally understand that people reading this can think of me as a total Bitch and compared to the majority of the posters on this board that are actual parents and/or stepparents i will come across as a selfish and heartless cow.

That sounds fair enough on your part but I stilldon't know how DH could put 1 childs welfare above another, although we all know men don't feel/think like women
I supose the past is the past and all you can do is give as much love and support as possible now.

mumsno I know..it seems as though he loves our children more than DSD in my posts but that's not how it is. He just has so many things that have happened to him (negative) surrounding DSD that he finds it hard to relate/form a bond with her although he is trying. He does love her and wanted her to have a better life and overall it seemed better for her to be with a couple who would focus just on her considering her background. (which I realise is too long and complicated to explain adequately.

Maybe you are also underestimating DSD. She might go back to BM again but eventually she will mature and realise what's good/not good for her. You both need to be there for her regardless so that when she does realise her mistakes she doesn't look back and resent you both for not being there. I guess hard as it is, a parents love has got to be unconditional no matter how many mistakes she makes. If you are always there when the bottom falls out of her world she will eventually come back to you and not follow in the footsteps of BM.

I hope so. I'll always be here for her and if DH ever decides that her being here is what he wants we'll work it out.

Hope it all works out x

A wise friend said to me yesterday that I should find someway of finding closure on this because its causing me obvious upset. I told her exactly what I said above. I'll be here for her and if things change for DH and he wants to give it a go WITH me (not leave me to do it) we'll work hard to make it work.

'Find some closure on this' - what kind of clap trap is your friend spouting? This is a living, breathing child - your DH's daughter, your step daughter... there is no 'closure' this is for life.

Oh God, this is awful. While not a step mother, I was a step child, and very clearly not wanted, both by my father and his wife. Their kids were far more important (understandably to her) but devestating to me. Yes, my father had lots of issues with my mother and there were of course lots of issues involved in their seperation but none of that excuses how my father behaved towards me, out of duty, like your dh.

This little girl need love and affection and some understanding which your BIL and SIL offer, you really cannot judge them for having some problems with her, I would have thought that is fairly inevitable with a little girl who has been through so much?
And though you have excused not taking her in when you had pnd, a new baby and toddler, blah blah blah, what is your excuse now? Because it seems like you have such a good relationship now (tight hugs, chats about not getting attention)....

I'm not talking about closure on my DSD I'm talking about closure on the issues that I have about the situation. And before anyone starts telling me that my DSD is not 'a situation' I mean the struggles I have to face with the guilt, the 'what ifs', the mood swings etc that I have to face everytime we have her. I feel guilt too as I've said. madame I am sorry if my reasons (not excuses) seem trivial to you and I'm sorry for how your childhood was spent, but my reasons for not having her have to do with her father and the fact that she is now settled. And as I've said several times I don't judge Bil/SIL I appreciate everything they've done. I just don't think they were quite prepared.

daysie what you friend is describing is often called emotional disengagement - a recognition and acceptance that you cannot influence the situation, and so you no longer agonise or get upset/angry about it.
I've achieved emotional disengagement regarding certain aspects of my life involving the DSC that i am unable to influence or change - if I hadn't, my DD would suffer as my focus and energies wouldn't be on her.
Counselling helped me a great deal - is this something you might consider?

By the way the fact they weren't prepared I don't attribute to any failing on their part. There was no discussion with them about how challenging bringing up a child with her background would be.

A wise friend said to me yesterday that I should find someway of finding closure on this because its causing me obvious upset.

Causing you upset?
Wow.

Poor you.
Totally agree with Chipping on this. I have a feeling that you and your DH will be feeling guilty about HIS firstborn for a long time to come. Or at least you should.

Nadm I have had counselling /cbt for low self esteem issues and we've touched on the feelings I have for DSD and the surrounding situation but I think I'm out of sessions now and unfortunately can't afford anything privately. However if there was anything you found useful on how to do this I'd love to hear.

lizzy you are entitled to your opinion as everone is...as I am allowed to be upset about everything that's happened. Although you may not believe me from this very diluted potted history I do care about my DSD and everything I've done I felt was the best for everyone. The decisions I have made had to be made with more lives involved than just my DSD.

Your DSD's life is worth just as much as everyone elses.

That seems to have been forgotten. I know I don't know the full story but it seems that the victim in all of this is being completely forgotten. DSD is a completely innocent victim in all of this.

I feel so very sad for her. What will/do you say when your children in the family home ask about their older sister? How will they make sense of all of this?

I haven't forgotten that my DSD's life is equal in every respect to everyone else involved. In fact when I mentioned best for everyone she was included. I meant there were other people IN ADDITION to her not instead.

Your DSD's life is worth just as much as everyone elses

...and should be the first priority of her parents. The OP (Daysie) should put her own children ahead of any others, even her DSC - which is what I beleive she has done.

What I have read in this thread is a man, Daysies DP, who couldn't or wouldn't step up for his DD when she needed him. Blaming Daysie, because she wasn't prepared to do his job for him, is unfair, imo. Step-parents play a supporting role to a parent - they cannot step in a fulfil the role of parent, even when the DC desperately needs it.

The issue of whether or not Daysie has made a good choice in terms of her partner and father of her children is a totally different one.

NADM When you mentioned counselling I automatically assumed you meant for me. When you had it was it just you or was your DP involved too?

daysie - no, he wasn't, it is my issue to deal with, although DP has also had individual counselling at times - we have not had couples counselling as we are both clear about our roles in our relationship in this regard.

We are both of the opinion that how he chooses to deal with issues regarding his DC's is entirely his decision to make, and once he has, it is my decision as to whether I can support him or not.

How I feel about his DC's (positive, negative or disengaged), or his exW behaviour, is not something that he is involved in, and I have come to terms with that on my own.

Thanks for replying...good to know that counselling worked for you. I was wondering if DH should talk to someone. It might help him.

I think Nana has given some very good advice.
I really think your dh has to spend time with dsd. He cannot expect you to look after 3 children and find something entertaining for her to do as well.
Can he take her out for a few hours so that they can spend time together?
Ask her what she would like to do. Ice skating, cinema? Let her do something that is appropriate for her emotional age too. Eg a film suitable for a 6 year old. This would also make it easier for your dh as the entertainment aspect of her visits are taken care of iyswim rather than your dh being sat at home with dsd wondering what to do and tension rising.
Thaen they could both come back to your house and have something to eat ( atake away for you all-so less hassel?) watch family tv etc and chill out. Let her hold the baby (I am assuming your child is still a baby) if not let her play with your dcs toys, she has a young mental age so this will probably be fine.

Also, remove any special toys of your own dcs so that it matters less if things get broken or damaged. again less stressful for you.