SIL Baby coming ... s**t really gonna hit the fan.

[NewYearsDaysie]

Right then need to vent somewhere where I won't get my head bitten off (or risking a shit weekend full of sulking DH) for doing so. Have no energy to go into back ground so please read my other threads for thatcan of worms.

SIL is having her long awaited baby today and DSD's issues have still not been dealt with. SIL is worried that DSD will hate the baby and is stressing, they and DH have put it off and put it off and now its too late to deal with stuff before bubs arrives because well basically it's here! Soooo many issues..I just know that this is going to really cause probs for S/BIL and they deserve to enjoy theior new baby. They are going to end up having the same feelings towards DSD that I wanted to avoid her having by comingto live with us. Very stressed about this....very excited about baby coming none the less.

I hear what you are saying NADM and maybe you are just much more compassionate then me but what is getting me is that this conversation came up BEFORE the subsequent children came along and they wanted the girl - then when she got pregnant suddenly its all "no its all too much". Surely it should have been, lets get her in and have one child then take it from there.

I can see why non-steps are so vitriolic when they read something like that as tbh I feel angry reading it - so the new ones are fine but lets shunt the old one off now as we made some other choices (and three children is a lifestyle choice), she is a bit of a problem and its not our problem now. The OP knew this all before she chose three children with a man who rejected, or allowed her to encourage him to reject his original daughter, who was ten at the time and still shows them love.

Scrapping with the birth mother, struggling with a disney dad, resenting the time and trouble kids in this position give us, feeling jealous or angry or tired or put upon. All those things I can support, understand and show sympathy and a lack of judgement for. But rejecting a child out of hand because his dad is now the parent of your children well after the fact of knowing exactly what the situation was then being critical of the people who did step in? Absolutely not. OP knew there were problems when she bought her children into the situation and they are NOT any more or less important then the original child. Thats the point we all try to make with the disney thing. Treating one child in the family like they are special or different harms them. Not even close to how much rejecting one must do. I really cannot back, sympathise or being understanding in that situation at all - except for with the girl involved. The op talks about being unwell because of it all, when she had the right to make her choices. I wonder how good this teens mental health and wellbeing will be in ten years, because she had no rights at all.

so OP has 3 kids under 5 and no energy for a teenanger SDS what she knew was the part of her DH family

I say - tough, you got what you deserved.

As a child I was rejected by both my SM & DF, and despite fact that my GP gave me support and attention this rejection is still with me, and I am 45

I can not see any excuse not to support DSD now or ever - you knew what was the score & criticizing others for finding it hard to cope with DSD when you say you can't is childish

It's a big ask to expect anyone to put their life on hold while their DP's ex decides whether or not she wants to be a mother, though.

I'm sure that we could all say that we would do things differently, perhaps even the OP looks back and thinks "what if" - but I for one cannot begin to put myself in the OP's shoes; bonding with a child, caring for her full-time, only to have her removed again and returned to a less than ideal situation with her mum, or being farmed out to foster homes.
IIRC, the OP and her DP were advised by SS not to apply to court for residency, because Mum was receiving support from SS, and this would be considered favourably

It's just such a complex situation for everyone involved - the responsibility for the DC lies primarily with her parents, and while a step-parent can support their partner to the best of their ability, I do not think it is their responsibility to step in when those parents fail.

Im not criticising the OP [step mum]

Im criticising this girls DAD he was capable yet he didnt parent his daughter.

I think I remember from the other thread that he was telling the OP it was none of her business as she didnt want her. seemed he is resentful to the OP, but TBH he shouldve put his daughter first.

Yeah I can take your point NADM but I still maintain going on to have three more then saying you need to protect those was poor decision making. I agree it may not have been ops responsibility to step in but I honestly couldnt look at a man I was with under any circs if he didnt. Its just so wrong.

IIRC, the OP and her DP were advised by SS not to apply to court for residency, because Mum was receiving support from SS, and this would be considered favourably confused

Wasnt that prior to things breaking down with her mum though? it was when it did breakdown that they then said they wouldnt have her and she instead went to hher uncle and aunts.

Amber at which point the OP had two DCs - one of whom was 6 weeks old.

The OP seems to have been happy to have DCs with her DP knowing that she would be parenting without his help - but i don't blame her for not being happy to take on parenting of his damaged child from a previous relationship without him being involved.

Again I am not criticising the OP!

I think her DH is a crap parent. I just think she is misguided having children with him when he doesnt look after the one he already has, but her children have her at least.

Thanks for the replies. All of them. But I would like to clear some things up. There are things further up the thread .. I said I allow my DH to get close to DSD ... I was responding to another post and allow should have been in inverted commas. My DH is not controlled by me. If he makes a decision to do with him and DSD that's his decision to make. I would never presume to come between them.
Also regarding my B/SIL I do not judge them. I think they are extremely good but just didn't realse the amount of pent up anger, frustration and pain this little girl has.
And prettyfly for the record I think my DSD is pretty fucking amazing...mostly thanks to B/SIL.
Regarding MY DCs ... I will not apologise for wanting to have my own children. DH is a good dad to our 3 because he has a bond with them. He never got to make a bond with DSD due to a hideous relationship with BM and many other issues to do with his own mother and Step father. Also I am (sounding arrogant I know) a good mum and we have learned together. DH didn't spend time with DSD until she was 2 for many reasons one of which was the distance we lived from her.
We started trying to have her with us froM when she was 3 but we had no grounds to live her 350 miles from get mother then SS were involved and we were passed from pillar to post, told by them not to try for custody, to pay for it and they'd back us up but court probably rule in BM's favour, not to try at all..by the time they had finished she was 8. That's when they told us that they wanted to place her with us the next day. Becauseher BM decided that she couldn't cope anymore and phoned SS to come and get all 4 children.

Incidentally I am not excusing DH for not engaging with DSD I sometimes find myself frustrated because he comes in with her and then avariatoon of sleeping, doing 'jobs' or Plato.g on his Xbox ensues. If anyone has any suggestions for books/courses/any kind of help to help them form a bond I'm all ears.

daysie - a good starting point would be your local Childrens Information Service; they could signpost you to teen-parenting support and any specialist services for families who are in the same situation as you.
There is help out there, usually from charities and not-for-profit organisations; but finding it can often be the hardest bit.

This is such a sad situation and I think SS are a lot to blame here too - if they had done more for this girl when she was little then she might be living with OP and her family and have settled down now.
In all honesty if I had to have my SC full time I don't think I could cope and I take my hat off to all the Stepmums on here who have done that.

I would try my hardest but I struggle with them every other weekend and I know my own DC would suffer so I completely sympathise with the OP.
On the other hand, I already had my dc before I met DP and I don't think I would have had 3 other dc knowing that there could potentially be a troubled teenager thrown into the mix at some point.
OP - if you disagree with how S&BIL are handling things you have to either take the girl on yourself and do better or just let them get on with it. You can't have it both ways.

Thanks NADM I'll have a mooch around on the internet and see if I can find anything that might help either me or DH. I appreciate your help.
kaluki I do not disagree with the way B/SIL are handling things. I have a problem with the way that DSD keeps asking me questions that she needs answers to and I can't say anything because they (B/SIL and DH) are procrastinating. This is one thing. They have had her for 3 years and they are doing a stand up job.
There will never be a good time to explain the situation to DSD but I can't keep ignoring her when I am the person she comes to. She has chosen to talk to me, I have said that I'm sure B/SIL would tell her all of the things she needs to know but she continues to ask me. This is what my thread was initially about because they had originally wanted to tell DSD everything before baby arrived but he came early and it never happened. (she asking questions when SIL was 28 weeks baby came at 37)

So tell them that if they don't tell her and she asks again then you will tell her yourself.
Kids aren't stupid, they know when something is being hidden from them.

"Hubby has basically admitted he sees her out of duty."

I'm sorry but that's the saddest thing I've read in a long time :(

I don't think the OP is to blame for all of this. If her DH had accepted his daughter when SS first took her away from her BM, some of her issues could have been sorted by now. It's not really the OP's place to tell her DSD exactly what happened with her mum and it's also not the B/SIL - it's her dads. He needs to step up to the mark, accept her as his responsibility and ensure she feels loved and accepted.

I really feel for the poor girl.

kaluki I think that is what I'll have to do.
psycho I agree with you. if SS had allowed us to to take her in when they first took her away there would have been none if this. I had a school place for her, we were finding houses with 2 bedrooms, but they chose to drag it out. She would have problems but nothing like those she has due to the unsettled 4.5 years she was passed from pillar to post by SS. We tried to liase with them as much as possible but despite the fact it would have been my role as her main carer they would only talk to DH.
I feel guilt everyday about her.

NYD I am glad that you have been able to give more details about the reasons why your DH didn't bond with his daughter; issues about his r/ship with the bm and his own issues related to his mother and step father. I realised the "allow" bit was in response to another post, but you were quickly criticised for this.

I think you sound like a very caring SM and who is struggling with these issues about your SD. She must feel close to you as she keeps asking quetions,, which I assume are about her bm and general background. I think it is really important that children who are living with someone other than their bps need to know about their past, as this confusion is going to cause more problems. I think you said B/SIL are prevaracating on this issue, which is not helping the girl. Could you and your DH get together and agree who and how the girl's questions can be answered. This has to be done in an age appropriate manner and many people in this situation explain rather too much and assume the child wants to know more than she does.

I don't think sitting a child down and telling them possibly ver painful things is the way to go. I am a retired social worker and we always used to draw with the children, sometimes a "life snake" so a big sheet of paper starting when she was born at the bottom of the snake and charting important things along the way - this is a good way of giving explanations about her past. The other thing is a Life Story Book which can be made and pictures stuck in it to give a picture of her past and present life. Whatever you decide to do, try and make it something she might enjoy doing, and with drawing together she is more likely to be relaxed.

I know everyone is at your DH but there just isn't the time to write in full about every detail of people's past lives that influence their behaviour in the present and future. Human relationships are complex aren't they and I do worry about people on all threads who pass judgement on the poster or the DH as in this case, with very scant information.

I too had the same trouble with my DP when his DD came to stay with us. As soon as she was here, he made very little effort to give her any attention, though at the same time wanted her time with us to be totally tension free and that none of us (me and my kids- one of whom was his) said anything to her that could be perceived as criticism. I know my kids resented this and it made all holidays very tense really. However she is now 45 and we have bailed her out so many times - and given her thousands of pounds,but the onlytime she contacts us is if she wants money. As always there is a long history of the r/ship with my SD and her children and it would take for ever to give all the details!

Thanks NanaNina DSD was given a life story book when she went to B/SIL but I think the life snake could be a good idea for her. She is coming up 12 in a couple of months but she still has a 6/7 year old emotional age. she does love doing things that involve craft things so maybe if we could make something like that and involve all of us she may feel more included and DH could get involved too.
I have given her some answers lately as she was asking last Saturday. I have also said that she should use a notebook I got her to write down any questions she thinks of as then she can ask us them when she sees us and also that if there is something she feels uncomfortable saying ot out loud she can just show us the book.
DH was never given any great examples of how a good Dad can be as his own Father was very detatched and spent little time with DH and his 2 brothers until (for many reasons) he and DH's Mum divorced and moved in with someone else. By this time DH was 16. There are lots of other reasons DH hasn't bonded with DSD to do with his mother, step father, other family members, BM, SS, distance and bereavement.

I'm not makig excuses by the way. Just trying to show that he's not just a horrible person. Yes he should take more responsibility but equally I think he's quite scared to get close to her and she doesn't respond to him very well so he gives up too easily.

I think that's the point I was trying to make NYD - the way we were cared for (or not) as children has a huge influence on the adult people that we become, and so judgements shouldn't be made because it's not possible to tell life stories on here. YOu don't sound like you are making excuses.

It's interesting that you say her emotional age is around 6/7 mark and her chronological age is almost 12. There is very often this kind of gap in children who have had troubled pasts, and I think it is important to allow her to regress sometimes (maybe playing board games aimed at younger children) and drawing and colouring books for younger children. I think you will have to keep this emotional age in mind when you start talking to her about her past, and go very slowly.

Another idea is to draw a tree with the long roots showing, and they can represent the child's background, and talk about past life , and then the branches and leaves are her present life. Tbh even just getting her to draw pictures of B/SIL and baby and her and then you and her dad and your children and her, and maybe pictures of her mom and her and whoever else she puts in the picture, and foster parents if she had any. Sorry I don't know background but you will of course. Sometimes these drawings can be very revealing, even just by noting where she draws herself in relation to other people in her life. One child I worked with drew his dad then him and his brother and then his mom and coming from the dad to the mom were big bold lines some of them zig zag and he volunteered the information "that's my dad shouting at my mom, and then he drew a picture of his mom with tears coming down her face and said "that's my mom being scared of my dad" - it accorded exactly with real life because we knew his dad was a very controlling person and his mom was too scared to stand up to him.

Thinking about it, it might be best to just draw together first (you all need to be drawing too) not just watching her, and be interested in her drawings and get her to talk about the picture if you can, but don't press her. You and her dad and your kids could talk about their pictures, so she feels more comfortable.

You can then get her to draw all the houses she has lived in and put smiley faces/sad faces/angry faces etc wherever she wants to. It would be useful to have some sticky faces with different expressions, to make it a bit more fun.

I do have other ideas, but I'm sure I've said enough for the time being.

Would be interested in how you get on.

I'll try and update after the weekend. Thanks for the ideas its really helpful.