SIL Baby coming ... s**t really gonna hit the fan.

[NewYearsDaysie]

Right then need to vent somewhere where I won't get my head bitten off (or risking a shit weekend full of sulking DH) for doing so. Have no energy to go into back ground so please read my other threads for thatcan of worms.

SIL is having her long awaited baby today and DSD's issues have still not been dealt with. SIL is worried that DSD will hate the baby and is stressing, they and DH have put it off and put it off and now its too late to deal with stuff before bubs arrives because well basically it's here! Soooo many issues..I just know that this is going to really cause probs for S/BIL and they deserve to enjoy theior new baby. They are going to end up having the same feelings towards DSD that I wanted to avoid her having by comingto live with us. Very stressed about this....very excited about baby coming none the less.

I've lost the energy to give a toss.

So sorry Daysie - I missed this yesterday
It's so hard to disengage as step-parents, especially when you can see that adults behaviour is going to hurt a child you care about
Counselling helped me to develop coping strategies in these situations - perhaps that is something you could look into?

They sent DSD here yesterday against all they'd said about involving her etc. This girl is going to hit 16 and just run back to her feckless mother. I've been having counselling for other things and dory of dealt with it. I'm stronger putting forward my opinions for example. Thanks for replying btw, was feeling a bit shit up til I saw your reply.

Can't believe how right I was about how they are treating DSD.
Hubby has basically admitted he sees her out of duty. Even though I wouldn't take her from social services when they wanted me to I think I'm really the only one who sees that what she does is a direct result of all the crap the poor little soul has gone through.
This weekend she told me that BIL had apologised to her for not paying her enough attention because of the new baby and her response was don't worry I'm used to it. How sad is that? BIL seems to be paying her a little more attention now truth be told, than he did before baby came. I still think that they are great for taking her in but they said that they were never told that she might have issues ... I replied that could they now see why I couldn't take her three years ago when I had a 12 month old and a newborn. I think they thought that I just couldn't be bothered with her, or that she reminded me DH's time with her mother.
Bless her, I've had a close relative die this week and she heard me crying and came in and gave me a really tight cuddle. Made me worse to be honest that she can be so sweet when no-one seems to be like that for her :(

Poor kid

What a bloody shame

Poor kid.

It's all a bit confusing but am I right that your husbands brother or sister (& partner) took his daughter in, to keep her out of care, when you (and your DH) wouldn't?

What are the issues now with DSD?

Is it time that maybe you and your DH did take her in?

Yes chipping it is incredibly confusing, my hubby's brother and wife took her in when I and DH weren't able to.
The issues now with her are mostly attention seeking. She is very insecure and always has been due to not being shown very much affection by her BM. The baby is taking the attention that she does get away from her so she is starting to lie/embelish to get more attention. She is wanting to know answers to questions like why doesn't she live with her mother and she has a rose tinted view of BM and noone has told her the truth about any of the situations leading to her removal from her mother.
There is no question of me and DH taking her now. We have 3 DC who take all my energy and the issue would remain the same as before which is that she would take alot/ the majority of my attention as i would be her main carer. DH has some issues with her and has never really engaged with her very well. I cannot giver her the attention she needs and craves without it impacting on my DCs and that would make me resent her and cause issues with the other children which is no good for her or them. I know that people think that I am callous and unfeeling by not having her live with us but please believe me that the reasons I didn't were numerous and I had to be very firm with SS when they were trying to talk me round.

Sorry NYD, I don't know how to answer your post... I don't know the whole background, so it would be unfair to jump down your throat - but it just seems incredibly sad that there is a young girl here, who no-one loves or cares about enough to give the love she needs :( and I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like you didn't want to take her in & yet you are judging others for not doing a good enough job?!

Your husband sounds very cold towards her too - she wasn't even a teenager when she needed someone other than her mother to care for her and yet her father wouldn't :( Do you not think that is incredibly wrong & sad??

Oh my goodness, I feel so sad for this poor girl.

I can't imagine how it must feel to know that no one wants you

I can see how I would come across as judging them for not doing a good job. I'm not. I think they are fantastic for taking her in and that they are doing a good job. It is mostly that they didn't realise that she would have issues and problems. You can think what you want of me for not taking her but it would have been no good for her and no good for my kids if she'd lived with us. She was taken away from her mother by social services where she'd had no attention and she craved and needed more than I could give and now even more so. We see her regularly and I do want to help her. Before I had children my husband and myself wanted to take her (the social services were involved at this point too) but they seemed so intent on focussing on helping her mother cope that the children got lost in teh paperwork.
I realise you don't know the background and its too long to go into here (I have another post somewhere that explains a little more)
hereIgo
she probably won't look back at any of us, she will probably find her mother again when she's sixteen and repeat the pattern that her mother formed. would you suggest I try not to help her now and leave her to it?

All i can say is poor girl, you should be taking her under your wing as she is your DHs child after all.
Whether you have other dcs or not shouldnt be an issue as he had a child when you met him.
I think your sil and bil have done you a massive favour but the girl quite obviously needs her father and needs to feel wanted and you should allow this to happen.

I think my DH should be taking her under his wing as she is his child. I allow him to get close to her but he rarely takes the opportunity. It is me she comes to to talk, to get answers, hugs, affection. my original issue was that she has been asking questions about BM and noone has given her answers. She thinks her mum is pining for her and other people (sil, bil, DH, SS, me) won't let her see BM. But its really that BM can't be bothered with her. She wants answers but the others involved procrastinate then baby came along and they find other reasons not to tell her. I think she should know, as does DH but I don't want to cause problems for B/Sil and DH can't broach the subject cos he doesn't know.how.

Then he needs to fucking Man Up TBH - he brought this child into the world, with someone clearly unable to look after her, he needs to look after her. He should have said to you 'She is my daughter I am not abandoning her, she is coming to live with me, whether you like it or not'. Then he should have done right by a 10 year old child and you could have chosen whether to stay with him or split your family up, fgs she was a 10 year old child?!

Why does she need more than you can give?! You have no more or no less hours in the day than other people who deal with this kind of thing (who also have other children). No one is saying it would be easy, but bloody hell...

She needs to be told the truth (as kindly as someone can, but the truth none the less) - tell your DH to grow up and deal with this.

I can't, for the life of me, see how you think you are helping her now??

NYD - I don't know your back story but I understand exactly where you are coming from. I suffered anguish and stress for years (long time ago) struggling with my SD (even just weekends and holidays) and I know that myDP (her dad) just gave in to her all the time and we all tiptoed around her.

Yes, she was/is insecure through lack of attention from her bm (no neglect or abuse - just left to her own devices really. I didn't handle it very well at the time, though was never nasty to her - quite the opposite really. I got badly burned on another thread with all the non SMs piling in to call me all sorts of unplesant names.

I think it really arrogant of people who have never had any experience of SPing to be judging you on this thread, but they will and in a way I can understand the "poor unloved child" thing, which is true, but they don't understand the other side of the equation. I wa surprised non SMs were on these threads tbh and wondered if they were lurking to pounce on the wicked SM. You have my empathy and remind people that "you have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you can understand"

I think it takes a great deal of courage to do what the OP has done which is recognise her own limitations and boundaries and stick to them.
Removing a child from a parent is last-resort for SS - so a DC who has experienced this has, at best, suffered significant neglect, and at worse, abuse - and will need a great deal of support, attention and at times, tough love to recover.

Too many times, well-meaning family members volunteer without a real idea of what they have committed to and the DC's issues are never fully addressed. I admire the OP for being able to say, no - that is too much for me; particularly as it sounds like she would be doing it alone.

The DCs father would benefit from support to enable him to become a meaningful person in his DDs life, then maybe the OP would feel more able to support him rather than feeling like she has to take on the responsibility herself

It takes a great deal of courage to do what the OP has done

Really? A lot of courage to tell her DH that he cannot look after his own daughter when she was removed from her mother by SS.

Courage?

No - courage would have been to take in the 10 year old child and give her a family & love. Not say 'No DH I don't want your daughter living here'.

NotADisneyMum - when this child was removed from her mother's care by SS what should have happened (in your mind)?? Who should give her that 'tough love' if not her own father??

Well meaning relatives stepped in because her father's new wife wouldn't & wouldn't allow him to... and it's not like there are a million other options are there?!

I think this is one of the saddest threads I've read for a long time, and I think Chippingin has said it all really. What do you mean you "allow" your DH to get close to his daughter?

We took in my DSD (aged 10) in January to stop her going into care, If i had refused my oH would have left me as I wouldn't have been the woman he fell in love with my darling stepdaughter has MAJOR emotional abuse coupled with violence in the BM's home that we are dealing with and will for many many years.

Believe me I know its a scary thing especially knowing what behaviour you will have to deal with!

It is heart breaking when she gets so angry but can't verbalise as she is scared you will be like mummy or when she wets herself as she thinks you will be angry that she broke a cup by accident. You just cope and take the shite with the good moments that are like wee rays of hope that you can and will eventually undo the damage caused by consistant love unproving her previous upbringing & damage

I do hope your OH doesnt end up seeing your kids like this in the future "Hubby has basically admitted he sees her out of duty"

chipping i agree, if the OPs DH wanted to care for his DD and the OP wouldn't let him, then yes - he should man up and take responsibility - ending his relationship with the OP if necessary in order to support his child.

But, it sounds to me like the OP was being expected to take on parental responsibility for a child who had been damaged by one parent, and disowned by the other.

Why should the OP compromise her relationship with her own DCs and why should they be expected to share their mum with a child whose own parents can't be bothered? A damaged child is a huge burden on the family and one everyone is affected by - if the biological parent remained detached and disinterested, then the OP and her DCs would be in for a very rough ride.

I reiterate that my opinion is based on the interpretation that the OPs DH is not bothered one way or another and would expect the OP to do all the hard work - if he has been browbeaten by the OP then both he and she have failed this little girl, IMO

Good lord this is a heartwrenching thread. I get that this would have been hard but am i right in thinking your husband went on to have three children with you, but refused to look after his oldest, at your choice as well and you are daring to judge the help given by people who are not her parents? We try not to judge here but there is one rule we all live by and its the hardest bit of all but its the one piece of advice you will find almost all of us telling newbies to the site. If you get involved with a man with kids you need to be prepared to end up looking after them fulltime at some point. You may well not have to and many of us certainly wouldnt want to but it can happen and you need to be prepared to do so.

That you can come on here and talk about "letting" him see or how he sees her out of duty and this is the father of your kids makes me wonder how you arent terrified it will be your turn eventually. Doing a disney dad, whilst being a pita for those of us dealing with it is the result of loving your children. What your partner has done is the result of being spineless and irresponsible as far as I am concerned (and the mums on here who know me will know that is about as harsh as I get on this board). Perhaps you should go back, enjoy your happy nuclear little family and feel bloody grateful that these people were good enough to give a girl with no love, time or attention a home and stop transferring your own obvious guilt to them. MOST teenagers are difficult, attention seeking and a pain in the arse. THIS teenager can demonstrate complete love and compassion for the people who reject her. She sounds pretty fucking special to me.

Notadisney I dont agree with you at all. As a mum and a step parent I have a battle most weekends with my stepson who blames me for the upheaval and difficulty he has faced but I would never ever reject him - I would however reject my husband if he did.

He should have said to you 'She is my daughter I am not abandoning her, she is coming to live with me, whether you like it or not'. Then he should have done right by a 10 year old child and you could have chosen whether to stay with him or split your family up, fgs she was a 10 year old child?!

Yes this.

Your DH is gutless OP.

You had the right to say no I will walk away from this situation, but your DH had a duty to be a father to her and he didnt- I find that appallingly sad and indefensible TBH.

As prettyfly says, he didnt look after his eldest child yet went on to have 3 more!

Poor poor girl and well done to the SIL/BIL for at least trying to do what neither of her parents could/would

prettyfly - I'm not saying I agree with the OP for her choice to remain with a man who has turned his back on his damaged child (if indeed that is what he has done); like you, I would prefer to be alone than with the constant worry of whether my family would be next to be rejected.

But I don't condemn the OP's decision to put her own DC's first if that is the situation she finds herself in; either by walking away from their father, or by putting boundaries in place to prevent herself becoming primary carer to someone else's child at the expense of her own.