Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

Is there a general Step Parent rant thread? If not...

23 replies

TheOutlawLauraPalmer · 28/02/2012 22:38

I'm having a scream-inducing day. I don't want to go into all the gritty details, I just need to confess: DSS's bioM is driving me nuts! I'm so fed up with her constant lies, (growing) absence and general duty-shirking. Arggggghhhhhh!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Original poster

TheOutlawLauraPalmer · 28/02/2012 22:42

Ummm. Please excuse the title - it should probably read 'Step Parent general rant thread'. [embarrassed] [secret pedant emoticon]

OP posts:

Original poster

TheOutlawLauraPalmer · 28/02/2012 22:43

or , even.

OP posts:

blackoutthesun · 28/02/2012 22:48

Original poster

TheOutlawLauraPalmer · 28/02/2012 23:16

OP posts:

bluebell8782 · 29/02/2012 13:29

Hope you're feeling a bit better today Outlaw - it sucks a lot sometimes doesn't it sigh

matana · 29/02/2012 14:30

Marking my place.

Going to DSD's school today to speak to her form tutor. She hasn't spoken to DH for six months. This after seeing her as much as possible (most weekends in practice) and wanting to remain as big a part of her life as possible since she was six. She's 14 now btw and told him a week ago (first time she'd spoken to him in that time) that she wants nothing more to do with him.

Original poster

TheOutlawLauraPalmer · 29/02/2012 23:23

Luckily it backfired on her - partly because I actually see him more than she does () and partly because he spoke up for himself and his attachment to me!!!

But I will say that I was 13 when my own parents divorced, and 14 when my dad met my now-step mum and it was really hard for me. If nothing else, it was difficult just being 14 and discovering my autonomy, let alone dealing with my parents' divorce and my dad's new partner. Hopefully your DSD will come around...even it it takes a bit of time.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheOutlawLauraPalmer · 29/02/2012 23:28

Oops, a fair bit of my post was cut off...

Basically I said that it is hard, bluebell - did we ever imagine it would be like this?

And, to matana - I wonder how much of what's going on might be poison-feeding my the bioM? Because this happened to us - she has become increasingly jealous over the years that there is another adult female in DSS's life that provides a much more stable relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheOutlawLauraPalmer · 29/02/2012 23:29

by (not 'my')

OP posts:

bonnymiffy · 01/03/2012 10:34

Yes, it's generally crap. We used to get on tolerably well with DSS's Mum but now we're taking her to court for access (and hopefully residency) since she moved house. I used to feel I'd got off lightly compared with others' experiences that they've posted on here, but I think I'll be posting more regularly now. It just seems that alot is expected of us with very little return or appreciation. No, I didn't imagine it would be like this - the acrimony, accusations and allegations, it's just crap. OK, that's my rant over. Thanks.

matana · 01/03/2012 14:38

TheOutlaw I hear what you say. I think in our case it's bioM's inaction rather than poison feeding (though she's probably done a fair amount of that in the past too tbh). Basically i would expect a bioM to have a fair amount of influence over her children in terms of helping them resolve issues and draw a line under problems etc, but i think she has been happy to let things 'drift' without ever really trying to help us resolve the situation. We have tried everything, including begging - with both bioM and DSD. Going to see the school was our final throw of the dice, having achieved nothing with any other avenues. I think i've been watching too much Waterloo Road and expected more help from her form tutor. He basically said there are no problems with her school work (which is obviously a good thing) but that he couldn't comment on how things are with her personally. He only had a responsibility to her academically. There wasn't even a great deal of sympathy on display from him, but then i imagine that's because he'd never met us before because bioM was too keen to ensure her DH went to all parents evenings and cut my DH out in that respect. He probably thought DH has never shown as interest, so why bother now? Other people's perceptions can be quite hurtful. But I know we've been nothing but loving and giving and inclusive with my DSDs.

notfluffyatall · 05/03/2012 13:12

I can't stand my DH's exP. She is everything I dislike in a person. I also really struggle with my step-son, he's 7 and I've been around him since he was tiny but I just can't warm to him at all. I'm not sure I can do this for another 10 years or more

Original poster

TheOutlawLauraPalmer · 06/03/2012 23:39

Today I'm not feeling very generous - I'm sick to fucking death of being generous to the lazy cunt birth mother who has 19 thousand things more important than her son. 10 years more of this? I'll never survive at this rate...

OP posts:

kaluki · 08/03/2012 14:44

I am having a bad time lately too.
Everything we do revolves around them. He has contact for 4 whole weeks in the various holidays which means that he and I can never go away for a week together by ourselves.
We discussed marriage the other day and he actually said that the honeymoon would have to be just a weekend because he has to save all his holiday for when he sees them.
Every time we try to plan anything it is always "not when I have the kids!".

He calls them every evening at the same time (it's in the contract) so every day at 7 the world must stop turning so he can make the call.
Rant over - is it too early for ?

mampam · 08/03/2012 18:27

OMG!!! I've been way too nice to my exH Unlike you guys I am not a step parent I am the BM. DC's live with me and for many years I have felt like our lives revolve around exH and his wife (long story).

4 weeks isn't an awful lot of quality time for your DP to spend time with his DC kaluki is that all he is allowed? I wish exH would call DC more often (ok not 7 days a week) but as he moved away 4 months ago and DC's have gone from spending every other weekend with him and dinner once a week (and he usually came up with a reason why he couldn't have them for dinner) they are lucky to hear from him once a fortnight.

I feel for my kids I really do. Ex even asked DD(12) what was up with DS(8) when he last spoke to them as apparently DS didn't have much to say, well if he kept in contact more regularly it might make all the difference.

Since he's moved and contact is very little and irregular I have become fearful for my DC. I want them to have a relationship with their father and a good one but at the moment it's drifting. They are supposed to be spending Easter with him (so he has said to them) but as yet hasn't mentioned it to me. I can't make any plans but that is always the case as I am always the last to know. If I make plans which means the DC weren't able to spend Easter with their dad then I will be the big bad wolf.

I wish my DC's had a step parent like you guys, life would be much nicer for them if they did I'm sure

mampam · 08/03/2012 18:33

Sorry forgot to mention as I know this is a bit of a rant thread that my DH said to me not so long ago that if we ever split up he would never get with another woman who had DC from a previous relationship!!

Whilst he loves DC all the same (we have a DD together) he cannot stand my ex and his wife

Original poster

TheOutlawLauraPalmer · 08/03/2012 20:59

I feel the same as your DH mam - if for any reason I am ever single again I would NEVER get involved with another man who has DC from a previous relationship! I truly love my DP and I truly love my DSS, but I certainly don't love DSS's biomum or her selfish lying ways.

OP posts:

kaluki · 08/03/2012 21:07

Mampam it is 4 weeks in the school holidays (1 week at Xmas, 1 at Easter and 2 in the Summer) as well as every other weekend Friday to sunday and every Friday night in between AND the daily phone calls. That seems a lot to me.
I know it's what comes with being with him and i love him so i put up and shut up most of the time but still it does get me down at times.

It's the inflexibility that is the worst thing. My ex has our dc every other weekend and one night in between too, but we both cooperate and fit in with each others lives. DP and his ex rarely communicate and stick to the contract to the absolute letter.

theredhen · 08/03/2012 22:28

Kaluki, we get 7 weeks holiday here, every other weekend Friday to Monday and one night in the week and an every night phone call. Sigh.

If the kids ignore his phone call in the evening, (which they do 95% of the time lately he spends all evening feeling rejected and upset. But of course, if this was my DS I would "remind" him who pays the mobile phone bills (me!). The same mobile phone bills paid by DP which allow his DC the ability to send literally thousands of texts to their friends, but not one to their Father! But heaven forbid he upset the little darlings.

kaluki · 09/03/2012 12:21

7 WEEKS
How on earth do you cope? I struggle with the 4 weeks.
I'm right there with you regarding the infernal daily phone call. We went out last weekend and he didn't manage phone them on time. When he remembered and phoned them (only 10 minutes late) he was so apologetic and pathetic, then spent a good hour moaning about how guilty he felt. They didn't even notice that he was late. That phone call has such an affect on his mood, if they speak to him he is all upbeat and happy, but if they don't then its down in the doldrums for the evening. I'm so sick of my life being at the mercy of his children.
We have got them this weekend so I will brace myself and SMILE!!!!

matana · 09/03/2012 13:45

DH always wishes he'd seen more of his, right back to when they were little. Until recently we had them every Sunday (one weekend a month overnight on the Saturday too), plus 5 days in August, about 4 between Christmas and New Year and 4 at Easter. He's had lots of discussions with ExW about how it always seems to be that he ends up getting the raw deal, with just about everything being more important to ExW than DSDs spending time with their dad. I believe we are now reaping the rewards of all her hard work, seeing as DSD1 doesn't believe she needs to maintain a relationship of any kind with my DH. And as for phone calls, DH has ended up very upset over the years when he can't even get in contact with DSD1 on her birthday to say happy birthday. Until they got their own phones his ExW made it quite clear that he was intruding on HER time with them. As did EXW's DH. The more i think and write about this, the angrier i am getting and the clearer it seems to me that we are in the right and she is in the wrong!

eleda · 09/03/2012 16:29

oooh.... don't get me started!! I could rant for hours and hours!!!!!!

kaluki · 09/03/2012 18:27

go for it Eleda!!
Don't get me wrong Matana, I'm all for fairness and I agree that Fathers should have time with their dc, it's the obsessiveness and inflexibility of it that bugs me.

Flip