It's Monday, I am reclaiming my house Again.

[W0rmy]

This thread is for me to get off my chest things that niggle me but I cannot say during the weekend.

I care for them, I have for 13 years, I have done everything for them that a mother would, but they are not mine, not my flesh and blood therefore I cannot ignore some of the irritating, thoughtless and selfish things they do. But I cannot speak of these things because they are not mine.

Feel free to join me, step-parents, perhaps it will help you too.

I'll start..

I don't want to listen to them playing the piano for hours on end, - no it doesn't sound good, no it doesn't sound like the opening cords of that Snow Patrol one.

I don't expect anyone to have to prompt them to say thank you for the meals I prepare.

It bothers me that they wake my young children when they come in late.

It bothers me that they sleep in until midday, then wander around the house in bare feet with dirty toenails, and ignore my children.

I don't want to be told by teenagers how to parent my own children - yes I DO read with them everyday thank you for suggesting it, and no they will not be getting an X-Box.

I would like just once for someone to empty or load the dishwasher.

I do not want my house to smell like damp dogs wearing Hugo Boss aftershave.

I do not ever want to find a wank sock again, ever.

I know Edam, just wanted to comment on the 'trying' as I also stated that I don't love my stepchildren as my own but not for want of trying believe me! I get on my highhorse with stepparenting threads as it's such a bloody hard job!

edam I'm not sure you're right saying that most step-parents have younger children and find it hard adapting to the older sc's. I have 4 grown-up children and find it incredibly hard adapting to living with my 2 young dsd's. It's partly the differences in the way dsd's are being brought up compared to my own children, it's partly all the grief from the ex, it's actually partly modern parenting styles in general which leave me speechless on ocassion!

I do try very hard - have done for 5 years and will continue to do so. DH says I am trying too hard but I don't think he realises what might happen if I stop!

Please don't think I make my stepchildren feel unloved and unwanted. If anything I fake it too much sometimes because of my inner guilt that I don't feel what I should feel. When we are out people assume that they are my children as outwardly I treat them the same as my own. I am affectionate with them and genuinely do care for them, just find it hard when they are so obnoxious and rude.
My own children are similar ages to the step kids, and my stepson is on the whole a good boy who gets on with my boys really well. He plays my DP off against his Mum to get his own way and can whine for England. I have trouble with my step daughter because I don't relate to little girls as well and also because she is so sly and manipulative.
I have that dread today because they are coming for the weekend. I want this weekend to be the one where we 'turn the corner', where they don't kick off or throw tantrums when we say no to something but I doubt it will be.

I agree glasscompletely broken. I think it also depends on the family circumstances. I used to be a weekend stepmum (for first 6 years) who was able to do all the 'nice' things then send them back to their mum who had to deal with the daily grind. When their mum sadly died, they came to live with us (aged 14 and 8) at the time. I pledged to be the best stepmum in the world, to nurture and love these children as I would hope another woman would do for mine if anything was to happen to me. I cried with them about their mum, ran Race for Life with my SD in honour of her mum (she died from a brain tumour), baked cakes with them, shopped for prom dresses, held my little SS when he cried out in the night for his mummy, to the extent that I didn't really notice how much my own sons had been pushed out. Whenever they moaned about anything I'd say "think of SD and SS who have lost their mum" etc. I also neglected my own needs - I sometimes wanted a shoulder to cry on to get it off my chest how hard I was finding it but I knew if I did I'd (rightly) be told "but think of those poor children, it is worse for them". But it's hard, it is so so hard. Sometimes the children will remember something they did with their mum but it was actually something they had done with me!! I just smile and say "that's nice" but inside it does hurt even though I'm a mature adult. No matter what I do I will never measure up to their mum and, whilst that is totally acceptable and normal, it isn't always easy to deal with. And no matter how hard I've tried, I just can't love them as much as I love my own. When your own child pisses you off you can look at them and remember their baby smell, their cuteness as a toddler, etc but when your teenage stepdaughter gives you attitude, you don't have those early memories to help you forgive.

kalucki, your last sentance struck a chord with me. I spend all the time my dsd's are not here thinking about how much better I will be at this step-parenting when they are back again. I think every weekend will be the turning point where it all goes well and I don't feel like I don't belong, or like strangling someone. Then as soon as they arrive I am up to my ears in the stress of it and doing as badly as ever. It just makes me feel such a failure.

Gooshka, wow you are an amazing woman. There will come a time when they will look back and remember that you were there for them when they lost their mum. I take my hat off to you, really I do, because I don't think I could do what you have done.

Glass - I know. When they arrive I see their little faces and think they are sweet kids, it will be fine ... 2 hours later I'm at breaking point and counting the hours till they go home
What saddens me most is that when we have them for any length of time DP is literally ground down by them. Every day is a battle and he falls into bed at night feeling glad that the day is over. He looks forward to having them so much but he can't cope with them and nor can I!

I just wanted to comment on some excellent points from RantingBOM and Brdgrl; ?I expect my DH to parent his kids not pander to them (Brdgrl)? ? this is spot-on, and it?s often the pandering, and the situations it creates, that lead to the resentment, and the euphoria when the step children go home on at the end of the weekend. And ?the couple in the relationship take priority, they are the backbone of the family, like it was in his first marriage, as I bet the first wife didn?t take a backseat to the kids.? Too right, I bet she didn?t.

And then RantingBOM goes on to ask why a child in a step family should expect to come ?above the step parent? when in a bio family, the child doesn?t come above the bio parent. ?A family is a collective who live together, led by the adults in the house?. I read both these posts while sitting in a traffic jam, and it was a ?EUREKA? moment ? because two other ladies have managed to express my thoughts so succinctly. Next time DH does something really bizarre to appease DH, I might ask him if something so ridiculous would have happened if he were still with his ex, because I?d bet my pension that DH and his ex didn?t run their lives around a **ing rota, or tiptoe around DSS?s perceived sensitivities.

OP - sounds to me like this is all good training for when your kids become teenagers

gooshka, i'm also a stepmum to kids whose mum has died, and i think it is so tough for other people to understand what that means. my SCs have emotional needs that i am expected to fill in a way that is different from those of a child with a living mum (even one they don't live with). it is hard, sometimes, to avoid falling into the trap of pitying or overcompensating with these kids. but the worst is the pity and overcompensation that comes from outside the family. it is not alwaysoften good for the kids.

i'm also angry when people suggest, as non-stepparent posters will from time to time, that my presence in my SCs life is something to be viewed as an automatic negative, or at best, something to be 'managed'. Would my SCs be happier if their mum were still here, looking after them and loving them? Of course they would. But i know - fact! - that my SCs are better off with me than without me. i hear it from my DH, i hear it from family friends, i hear it from family, becasue those are the people who know my SCs and care about them and see what they need and how their lives have changed since we all became a new family. and i know it because i see my SCs growing up and becoming happier people than they were when i met them. That means more to me than anything from a stranger.

obviously, though - i'd love to hear that (even if not in so many words) from my SCs. someday i believe that i will.

(on the other hand, at least i'm missing out on all the problems that come with a living exW.)

It's a missconception that all teenagers are entitled brats yuelingfanjo.

Even if OP's are - they will be hers and so unconditional love takes over. We aren't blessed with that as step parents.

But yes, a lot of the stuff on the list is fairly typical teenage behaviour.

Bless you, thanks, Kaluki. You say you couldn't have done what I've done but really you don't have much choice. If someone had told me 10 years ago that this would be my life I'd have ran a mile, believe me! I honestly don't feel I deserve being described an amazing woman because I still feel all the frustrations and annoyances that all the other stepmums do here and I feel incredibly guilty sometimes at how resentful I sometimes feel. Obviously I know given the choice, my stepchildren would be living with their mum and driving her mad instead so it's not their fault.

Thankfully, I have a brilliant husband - their dad is very no-nonsense and believes in structure and discipline and never pussyfoots around them despite what they've been through. When we settled them into new schools the teachers took the same approach - sympathetic but also treating them the same as all the other children. The biggest shock to me was being a full-time stepmum to a grieving 14-year-old (difficult age at best!). To be fair to her, she wasn't as bad as a lot of teens who hadn't been through what she had but I still found it hard adjusting (and obviously mindful that it was even harder for her!). It was the little things for me. My eldest child was only 8 so I'd been used to bedtime starting at around 8pm and having my husband to myself. We couldn't send a 14-year-old to bed at that time so I had to get used to my evening starting at around 10pm when I was knackered and ready for bed myself. If she had been my own, I'd have 'grown into' that bedtime gradually over the years so I perhaps would haven't felt so put out. And, yes, I DID feel put out sometimes. In a way, I had to grieve for my old life as it had changed beyond recognition.

There were times when I wanted to just run as the responsibility felt overwhelming. It definitely helped that my DH and I also have a child together as that made staying together a lot easier. And, of course, the fact that I love him! It does annoy me when non-SPs make judgements of us just because we need to offload. What do they know about it? They need to walk a mile in our shoes and then offer their smug criticism!!! I think all of us are doing the best we can - it's a mean feat raising another woman's children.

brdgrl - so good to hear from another stepmum in the same situation as it's not so common (thank goodness!). I totally agree with everything you say. In some ways, it is easier as we are all living under the same roof with the same rules rather than them being ferried off left-right and centre and having interference from exW (before she was poorly, we had all that for 6 years but when she fell ill, we did really make an effort to make amends although she still didn't really want to know - she rang us the day after her diagnosis to say she had a brain tumour and that it was her dying wish that the children didn't come to live with us!). And, no, I wasn't the OW, they were divorced before I came on the scene. There is an immense pressure on stepmums with children whose own mums have died and it's impossible trying to find the right balance. You have to 'treat them as your own' but not try and replace their mum. It also affected my relationship with my own children as I didn't want to keep hugging/kissing them as it felt I was rubbing it in that they had a mummy! I did start to push them away a little. And, last year was the first Mother's Day I allowed myself to celebrate in four years as it never felt right before that which was a shame for my boys who had made me cards from school (I'd put them up but didn't really showcase them). It affects everyone but people are only concerned with how the SKs are doing because it is they who are grieving. Sometimes, just sometimes, I'd like someone to say "and how are you?"

No Woman can play a normal parenting Role in a step child's life if she can't dispense the usual day-to- day discipline that a bio parent can. Even the usual " for heavens sake pick your coat up off the floor" can be forbidden territory. You can't fulfil the role properly without that parental authority, and I've said before that the only role open to you, is that of doting bystander. You have no power to challenge or influence. It's like playing cards when you've only been dealt half a hand, or playing tennis without a racket. You're missing vital components, and it just doesn't work.

My DP is happy for me to tell them off and discipline them because it means he doesn't have to. He likes being good cop to my bad cop.

We had them for the Christmas week. They had their presents Christmas day, by boxing day they were asking for more. By the 27th they were dying to get into town so DP could buy them more toys. Every day we said "no you have lots of toys, your not getting more"
On the Friday we took them skating. DSS whined non stop all day about how he'd rather have toys instead of skating. Then they had a fight in the coffee shop after when we took them for a hot chocolate. On the way back home I saw a friend in town and he took his kids off with him so I could go for a much needed coffee with her. We met back at home and he had bought them about £20 worth of toys each on the way back! My dc had stayed with me so they were upset that the others got toys when they weren't allowed any.
In the afternoon DSD asked for sweets. DP said no but she got them out and ate them anyway, then I made tea and she wouldn't eat it because she was full of sweets. I said she wasn't allowed anything else because she hadn't eaten her tea.
Half an hour after tea she started on the sweets again and gave me that "I got my own way" smile!!
Throughout all of this my boys weren't allowed toys, sweets before tea etc (as they never are) and my 12 year old son said he couldn't wait to get to his dads because I was mean! Icing on he cake!!!
Cue one big meltdown from me. I walked out because had I stayed I would have said something I'd have regretted forever.
If I had them full time I wouldn't be able to cope. We would split up.

Oh brdgrl I totally totally understand. I could have written it myself (with the exception that my DH isn't a disney dad but I see/live with most of the irritating behaviour before he's back from work to deal with it).

The fact that it is 'normal' teen behaviour is simply irrelevant on this thread. We know that! We are not stupid. But, it's damn hard dealing with it when it's not OUR teenager. I come to blows with my own son all the time - I can say exactly what is on my mind and discipline him how I see fit. He hates me at the time but deep down he still loves me unconditionally as I'm his mum. You don't have that safety net with your SKs even if you get on great. Mess up and you'll be unforgiven for many years, maybe even forever.

I've looked for resources on this before but can only ever find help/advice for stepmums who married widowers. It's quite different (I'd imagine) to marrying a man with children and then his ex-wife dying afterwards as you have to make a transition yourself (that you couldn't have foreseen in a hundred years) and take on a whole new role.

Gooshka - maybe that's an opportunity for you. Maybe you should be the one who writes that book? I salute you, seems like a well-nigh impossible situation.

I have taken note of this thread, and do understand the points that the chief difficulty is in not having the authority to deal with stroppy teenagers, or the close relationship built up over years before the child turns into a stroppy teen.

I was going to say the same thing, gooshka - you should write a book!

I sometimes think that I wish I had known First Wife, because maybe seeing her as a flawed, imperfect, normal, mum would help me understand the kids better. It must be very strange for you.

Hey Edam and Brdgrl - I'm amazed you suggested that as it's been said to me before Maybe I will! Edam - re discipline of teens, you are probably right in general but in my case my husband actually wanted me to discipline her but I just couldn't do it - I'd only ever been her "friend" and I was scared of her not liking me. However, he did get tired of me going to him with my issues so that he could then deal with it - he'd say "just TELL her!" With my SS it's different as he is the same age as my son so I've been in his life since he was two. I just treat him exactly the same. Brdgrl - did you marry a widower or is your situation similar to mine?

totallypearshaped some comments you made sound very relevant to the SM situation I think. In particular, that being in close confines with a 'step-family' may be ok, but it's really with your 'blood' family that you tend to feel most comfortable. That really resonates with me.

With my own children, I can behave exactly as I feel appropriate, having a 50% role in their upbringing. I take the downs with the ups, knowing that the former are far outweighed by the latter. Then there's the values someone mentioned. My DSC are being brougt up, 86% of the time, by someone whose values are at complete odds with my own. As a result, the children (as is the case of most children) learn from and largely share those values, and behave accordingly. So, children (and in the case of DSS1, young adult) with values to a large extent opposite from my own, and behaviours I would not accept in my own children, yes, make me feel on edge a lot of the time. And when they leave after an 'access' weekend, I breathe a long hard sigh of relief.

Where else in life does one share one's home with others whose behaviours/values are so at odds from one's own? Yet at the same time, about which you are powerless to react to or change.

I have read hundres on threads on mn were people are complaining about siblings' or friends' children. It's bloody hard to have other peoples' children around, even for a very short period of time. You accept them round yes, and also had the choice as to whether to become involved, but that doesn't make it any easier as a human being.

Quite honestly, I spend most access weekends gritting my teeth about stuff that makes my teeth itch. I doubt my own parents ever experienced the same - as quite frankly, they would have given me a piece of their minds, and rightly so. A SP cannot do so.

I'm a step parent. I don't feel the need to reclaim my house after my DSKs leave. I like them. I enjoy their foibles. I DO parent them, I parent every child that walks into my house, why would I treat them any differently? I've known them nearly three years. SOme of you really don't seem to like your step children. It's sad to read, especially as my bio children's father has just had a baby with his young girlfriend and I do wonder if they has a similar attitude of "They are annoying because they aren't mine and I can't wait for them to leave"..

I feel a bit bereft when my SKs leave. My bio kids certainly do.

Oh kaluki, you don't have a step child problem, you have a husband problem. It's unforgiveable that he wouldn't back you up.

I think I am very very lucking in that respect - mine and Dp's children are all primary age, so blanket rules work, and more importantly, once a rule has been set, the other parent doesn't dare flout it!/

Gooshka, do consider it!

Don't forget it is stressful the other way round as well. I used to be a stepdaughter. I was the 'good' eldest sister who had spent my childhood with a nose buried in the works of E Nesbit, Noel Streatfield, E Blyton and I forget the woman who wrote What Katy Did. So I knew it was important to be polite and keep everything together. Plenty of things my stepmother did were at odds with my own values and experiences but I kept my lip buttoned and did everything I could to be welcoming and accommodating, especially to smooth over difficulties with my other sister, who was younger and resented this new woman. It was very tough at times, and a lot of things she (and my father, to be fair) did and said really, really hurt. But I cried about then on my own, later. Partly because I was terrified that if I pointed out something upset me, she'd be offended and I'd never see my Dad again.

This is all years ago, and my father and stepmother have been divorced for more than a decade. But it was still ruddy hard at the time.

Stepfamilies are tough for everyone.

Well truth must hurt ! I would never expect dh to put me before ANY of his kids and I only have one step child...I am a little more grown up and secure than that and I would be disgusted if dh wanted me to put him before my child. It isn't about letting the kids get away with everything..of course not, it is about realising a child is a child and no doubt already feels excluded from their own family !

I've never understood this "putting before" business - surely it depends what the needs are? Eg if I me and DP have arranged a date and one of his DCs is ill, I'd fully expect him to drop plans with me and stay in and look after them (and I'd stay in to help him if necessary) But if it was me that was ill, or needed his support, I'd expect that from him, even if that meant that some less important plans he might have with his DCs had to be dropped.

You juggle the needs of all the important people in your life according to what they are, not according to whose needs they are surely?