It's Monday, I am reclaiming my house Again.

[W0rmy]

This thread is for me to get off my chest things that niggle me but I cannot say during the weekend.

I care for them, I have for 13 years, I have done everything for them that a mother would, but they are not mine, not my flesh and blood therefore I cannot ignore some of the irritating, thoughtless and selfish things they do. But I cannot speak of these things because they are not mine.

Feel free to join me, step-parents, perhaps it will help you too.

I'll start..

I don't want to listen to them playing the piano for hours on end, - no it doesn't sound good, no it doesn't sound like the opening cords of that Snow Patrol one.

I don't expect anyone to have to prompt them to say thank you for the meals I prepare.

It bothers me that they wake my young children when they come in late.

It bothers me that they sleep in until midday, then wander around the house in bare feet with dirty toenails, and ignore my children.

I don't want to be told by teenagers how to parent my own children - yes I DO read with them everyday thank you for suggesting it, and no they will not be getting an X-Box.

I would like just once for someone to empty or load the dishwasher.

I do not want my house to smell like damp dogs wearing Hugo Boss aftershave.

I do not ever want to find a wank sock again, ever.

If you are stepparent and never have a bad word to say then congratulations but please also sod off

One is very amused by your post Gooshka.

TooMuchInLove

One is very impressed with your Capitalisation, and very pleased that you explained your Manifold/Marigold autocorrect, - One was thinking that sounded very Top Gear-ish and felt out of One's depth.

A big old Royal for slimbo.

you are over stepping the boundaries if you ask for a little something (affection, respect?) in return

Absolutely love.

They know you feel like this. It's horrid growing up feeling unwanted and unloved. They didn't choose to be in this family, you did. I would never choose to be a step mother.

Well i have no idea what a manifold is so you are doing better then me.
Ruddynorah i wish i had had step parents instead of being unloved by my actual ones. no offence but you don't do it so maybe bugger off and let us rant :-)

How very self righteous you are ruddynorah!
Is it nice up there in your ivory tower

Gooshka put it so well earlier:

If you are not a stepparent but want to tell us we are all vial then sod off as we don't value your opinion at all.

ruddy

They are not unwanted nor unloved, truly. This thread is about being able to complain about children being annoying and teenagerish in a safe place, children who are not ours, therefore we do not hold a "have a moan about your kids" pass. Mothers are allowed to complain about their children, stepmothers are most definitely not. This is about complaining here so we're not hurting anyones delicate feelings in RL, be that the children themselves or their fathers/mothers We do it here so they don't know. Please for the love of God, let us have a place to do this.

I simply cannot understand why posters can't resist posting on these threads which are clearly venting places.

It's barking mad. There's a thread I sometimes read that makes me want to spit bullets - I would never be rude enough to post on it "you are all awful!" because...that's bloody rude!

ruddy we all fell in love with men who had children, so shoot us

Why is it always the step parent who supposedly makes the kids feel unloved? A relative of my DSD died the other day, funeral is tomorrow. My DH feels he cannot go to the funeral to support his daughter because her mother has made it very clear that is not welcome at things to do with 'her family'. Do you not think my DSD will feel that?

Ruddynorah - well done for not choosing to be a stepmother. But, why are you on this venting thread for people who did choose to marry a man with children and, contrary to popular belief, didn't know what the hell they were getting themselves into and just how hard it actually is. I don't understand why you are on here - we get enough shit in RL without having to put up with it here. I have a stepmother of my own too - she never had any children of her own so my dad has never had to venture into step parenting. I regularly remind him what a fantastic woman she is taking us lot (and now all the grandchildren) on. I'm the only mum my stepchildren have as their own mum sadly died 3 years ago so the pressure to not let them down is immense. But I still get pissed off, I still sometimes need a listening ear without the feeling of being judged. You don't know what you are talking about. I didn't make it my life's vocation to be a stepmum, i just fell in love with a man who had children. Obviously that's unheard of in your perfect little world but do us all a favour and find a thread about knitting or something

I would actually like to be loved a little more, you know.

A little squeeze around the shoulder, "hey, w0rmy, that Roast/Lasagne/Curry was just great, thanks" - I know they've loved it because they polish off every last morsel and go for seconds.

A little appreciation for the care I take with their belongings. "mum got me this fab Ab & Fitch Hoody, feel how soft it is" - yes, do you know why it feels that soft, and how I got rid of that mystery stain? because I use the best products washing it on a handwash cycle because I know you love it, and I don't let it shrink to something your 4 year old brother could wear, unlike the Superdry one you took home to wash.

A christmas or birthday card, I don't expect a gift, but a card eh? Gifts and cards for everyone except me, - including the one for your mother which I picked out for you .

Honestly, the nearest they have come to even touching me in the last ten years is to ask me to 'smell this can you, does it smell of dog?" thrusting the pit of their shirt at my face.

They didn't choose to be in this family, you did. What child does choose to be in his/her own family? Most children have no choice, they get what they get.

(My DD didn't choose it, either. So should her life be made worse in order that my DSD and DSS can have their way about every aspect of their life?)

I would never choose to be a step mother. Well. That's probably a good thing. If you applied the same standards and judgement to yourself as you have apparently done to a bunch of women you don't even know, you'd probably kill yourself within a year.

If you mean that you wouldn't choose to voluntarily contribute your finances, time, space, and privacy - for years on end - to children that were not biologically related to you, well, that's ok. It takes a very strong, generous sort of woman to be willing to do that. Not everyone can be a stepmum, it is true.

You 'regular' mums should be thanking us, frankly, not villifying us. Your kids might need one of us, someday. Terrifying thought, I'm sure.

Brdgrl - great post, I couldn't agree more. Here's to all us fabulous step mums who are raising children we didn't have the pleasure of giving birth to. And here's to us all having a place to come together where we can share our difficulties/challenges with other ladies in the same boat without having to worry about being vilified by people who have nothing better to do than gatecrash threads that have no interest to them and know sweet FA about.

Wormy - you had me at 'wank sock'.

I'm not a step-parent but I love that monday morning feeling when DH goes off to work and children go off to school - pretty normal I think.

And I don't know why there is a need to say that step-parents love their children as if they were their own - I'd say that was pretty exceptional to be honest and based on people I know. You can care for and be kind to other people's children but its just not the same as if they're your own be that born or adopted. Or is that view not accepted?

My step children have a Mum and a Dad, they don't need me to try and be either.

I don't understand why people seem to think you should love your step children as your own.

I will help bring up my step children, do so many of the things a Mum will do for them on a practical and emotional basis but I almost think "loving them as my own" would be silly and setting me up for heartache as when I'm an old lady and if DP isn't around, I wouldn't expect to see them at all. Some people do have a strong emotional bond with adult step children, but I do actually think that love has to come from the child first.

It's like any relationship, you can't just "love someone" and then sit back happily and get nothing back. Human beings aren't set up like that to be rejected.

theredhen - actually it's the other way round. If you act as if you love someone, your relationship with improve. Pretending turns into being - it's a proven psychological approach. If you can't manage love, at least try affection.

I think part of the problem is that step-parents often have much younger children and have no idea what is normal for teenagers. Many of whom are going through a 'bit difficult even if you are biologically related' phase. A couple who each have children from previous relationships, where those children are the same age, will be much more realistic than a step-parent who has no children, or whose children are far younger.

Sometimes it's hard to like your own biological children, let alone someone else's - but if you are part of a step-family you have to try. That's the deal.

Deal? i don't remember signing a contract! its a way of life that's all we do our best, if that isn't good enough then tough shit

I would accept that view, yes. I don't love my stepchildren in the same way I love my own even though I really really wish I could. But then, by the same token, I don't love my Nieces and Nephews as much as much as i love my children but nobody would squirm at that! I'd say I love my stepchildren as much as my nieces/nephews, just not as much as my own children. And my stepchildren love me as they would an aunt - nowhere near as much as their own mum and rightly so I am not sure about adoption as I haven't experienced that - it may be different as you are not dealing with the added stress of ex-relationships and the jealousies and frustrations associated with it. I suppose with adoption, you and your partner go into it from the start together so it's quite a different scenario

You can say 'tough shit' all you like to me, but it's a pretty poor approach to any child for whom you are responsible. An adult who chooses to enter into a relationship with someone who has children has to accept quite a lot of responsibility. If you don't like it, stick to people who are childless.

Gooksha, that's a great way of putting it.

Edam - I think you're right that acting as if you care for someone is a great way to build up the relationship

And also you're right about it being easier to love children the same age or younger than your own - I feel much more affectionate and maternal towards my DP's younger two DCs (who are same ages as mine) than I do towards the two early teens.

BUT - I think the vast majoriy of SMs on this thread are doing their best nearly all the time to treat their DSC well and kindly, and to love them - the difficulty is they feel unable to share the everyday difficulties of parenting (and often the additional difficulties of trying to share parenting with another household, and possibly another women who either doesn't like you or doesn't know you or both) and therefore need the chance to let of steam. It doesn't mean they don't do their best to act in a loving way towards their DSC.

If this post was by a mother whose DCs had recently left home saying how nice it is to have her house to herself after all these years, I don't think anyone would bat an eyelid.

Edam - "you have to try".

What do you think most of us spend our lives doing? I've been 'trying' for 10 years and I still 'try'. I have a good relationship with both my stepchildren as a result of my ongoing 'trying' but I still don't love them as much as I love my own and neither do they love me as much as they loved their late mum. That's life - it's perfectly natural. I'm not spending my life pretending. They wouldn't want that any more than
I would!

Gooksha - the 'try' post wasn't addressed to you, it was replying to the post that was at the top when I wrote it - the rather aggressive one from littleredhen. We cross posted -when I saw yours, I thought 'ah, niece and nephew, that's a good analogy' so posted again, addressing an approving comment to you by name.

Maybe it's all those evil stepmother stories that people have in their heads make people nervous of step mothers.

You know if you speak out about the SCs then people will assume you're going to take them all into the woods, take their breadcrumbs away from them and get the huntsman to do his dastardly deed. Evil stepmother as a meme must be hard-wired into the psyche. It's certainly in every tradition's fairy story.

I have a step MIL, which may sound strange on this thread whilst you are all talking about stepkids, and while I like her and appreciate her as a good human being, and see the benefits to FIL and them being together for them, I don't love her as much as I love my Dh's mum, as she's nothing like DH, whereas I can see the similarity with DH's mum. Staying with the bonus step family is like staying in a hotel, compared to a self catering house on hols for me. I can relax with blood family, but with step family, it's just not as relaxed.

So although I've no stepkids (at the moment!) I get your POV.

Edam - just like when you have your first baby and it hits you like a thunderbolt how much your world has changed, so does the reality of being a stepmum (and the huge responsibility you rightly say is associated with that). We enter stepparenthood in the same blind way we enter motherhood so please forgive us if we mess it up sometimes and need a moan. If anything, god forbid, was to happen to my husband then next time I would choose a man without children because, believe me, this is something I will only do once - a once in a lifetime emotional investment never to be repeated again.