ok, so i know this makes me an evil person...

[WhatAcow]

but i hate my step son! there, i said it. i need to say it so bad because i'm going to say it to him soon, and that just wouldnt be fair.

hes only bloody 6 for f's sake! well, 6 this month. how can any sane rational mature adult hate a 6 year old?

to be fair, i dont hate him all the time. just most of it.

i cant believe what a relief it is just to be saying this to someone anyone, even (and only because) its anonymous. i have been bottling this up for some time now, hoping it will get better and go away... but you know what? in my heart of hearts, i know that i am also hoping that HE will just bugger off and go away. and never come back.

there. so im a cow. as much of a cow as his own mum, which is really saying something, believe me.

what on earth am i going to do? nothing i guess. as usual. oh bum poo shit arse.

sorry.

WhataCow (don't really like calling you that), just wanted to say that you were brave to post. My initial thought on reading your first post was that you were being unfair and unreasonable, after all ss is just a kid, but it was a good idea to take the step to discuss your feelings and already it seems that you are seeing things more clearly, I think that's wonderful.

BTW I often see kids that I just don't warm to and I think it is normal to not like all children.

just seen this thread and it's very thought provoking.

Without wanting to rehash what's been written, can I just ask you, how many other six year old boys do you know well? Have you ever shared your home with any other six year olds? Do you have brothers? OK your stepson sounds like a bundle of energy, but it's just that he may well appear louder, faster and more attention grabbing than your own under three year olds and you could be confusing what's natural for a 6 year old with what you think is specific to him? I don't want to belittle your problem, just throwing in a thought.

Sometimes I've seen threads here started by someone who has just had a baby, saying how they suddenly resent their first born older child - their baby seems so tiny and perfect while their other child seems so big, loud, clumsy and attention grabbing. This feeling is something I can relate to - my oldest son was 5 and a half when my second son was born and I remember wanting to recoil when he careered into the hospital ward to say hello to his brother. I hated myself for feeling like this - it was a reflex action, wanting to protect my baby. Now and again it surfaces still - ie when I see them playfighting and my 6 year old is pitted against my 11 year old. I totally, utterly love both my sons, but don't people say sometimes there is a fine line between love and hate? I wonder if your protective instincts towards your much younger children have confused the issue? You could both love and fleetingly hate your stepson. I don't think one feeling negates the other.

Something else comes out of your messages, if I have understood them correctly - your frustation at not being able to vent your feelings about your stepson to him or your family. I know you don't want to say damaging things - and you've put lots of effort into making your step son feel wanted, welcome and loved. But I wonder do you bottle up all negative feelings, because that's a massive strain on you. What happens if your ss does something that is really insufferable and defiant - does guilt or the fact you are not his birth mother prevent you reacting in an honest way to it? If so, no wonder you feel frustrated. I mean, I will get cross with my sons, if they are being awful, without worrying if I am damaging them in some way. I am their mum so I don't need to tread on eggshells around them. Things blow up, then the tension clears and we all settle down again. If I had to bottle in my feelings, I would hate it and there would be so much more tension in the air.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you - it's just a thought, but do you think you need to discuss with your dh how you can express your anger or disapproval with your stepson in a natural and honest way?

thank you crystaltips, bumpybel and saadia - support much appreciated.

yes, bumpybel, i do think his mum puts horrible ideas in his head and have actually seen her doing it on more than one occasion - making him cry on purpose to get at us and be able to say 'you dont have to go with daddy if you dont want to darling', this when he was 2 yo!! is a longer story but i cant be bothered with all details. take it from me, your s'kids's mum is clearly quite a lot like her grrrrrr

BUT - like you say, dp and i do talk about the whole issue quite a bit and we already believe that what we are doing; offering a loving and consistent 'other' home and making sure he knows that will never go away and can be relied upon is the best way forward and over time will help him work out all the confusing feelings he has to deal with in this situation.

and I WISH (mellissasmummy) she would sit down and talk with dp or indeed both of us about issues to do with his happiness and well being, but the lovely person that she is doesnt deem us worth talking to about these things. she doesnt do taking advice or input; she knows everything. she hands out orders and thats it. she doesnt talk to me at all (is barely civil on the phone if i answer. no justification, they were divorced when i came along). FFS, we found an athsma inhaler in his suitcase this visit and she didnt even see fit to mention that! first we've even heard of him having asthma! (he appears to be perfectly healthy [confused emoticon]

Have been assimilating the idea that crystaltips put forward, that us being so nice might make him feel guilty about being disloyal to his mum, especially as she seems intent on creating a divide between the two (why the hell we cant all be partners in raising this little boy, even if we dont much like each other, is beyond me. my parents did it!) and think there could be substance to that. is good to take that on board i think. helps to take sting out of apparently senseless 'bad' behaviour.

tigermoth - yes. i do have brothers and i have known, but dont currently, other 6 year olds and youre right, a lot of his energy comes from jst being a 6 year old. a knowledge which i try - and must - hold onto at stressful times

and the protective thing you talk about really rings a bell! i mean, he was tiring to deal with (as in sooooooo much energy when he was 2/3) but we always had a really happy bond before my first baby came along and i was really shocked at how animal my protective instincts were following that! i had no idea how powerful those feelings could be and have been working on rationalising them ever since... so you are right to see this as playing a part in it.

and the frustration is the other thing you are right about. dp is my best friend and we do talk about averything but i do hold back a little on expressing feelings about this as i dont want hurt him (i mean, look at my OP - you cant very well say THAT to someone about their own son can you???) now that i can put it all into more rational terms, we can talk about it. we started to last night a little.

Hope alls going well and hat you are making steps forwards .... bloomin hard when you have a destructive element in the background - namely THAT woman ...

Sadly this ( I feel ) is more of a long term issue, than an instant fix .... and it's only when your ss can work out for himself what's best for him - and eventually make that choice for himself .... then all your hard work and understanding will come to fruition.

Thinking of you all - KNOWING that you are doing the very best you can - and he's a very lucky ( although confused ) little boy at the moment.
xx

I hate to say this, but its sooooo reassuring to know that I'm not the only one with an evil ex to contend with! This one used to order me taxis in the middle of the night and will refuse to allow the kids to keep anything I've given them! Bearing in mind that they divorced before i came on the scene, I cant help feeling she's genuinely barking mad! WaC.. that inhaler story is insane! You sound so with it and calm about 'her'! This one's going to flip when she finds out about tummy! Although in a sick way, I cant wait!.. something she cant control! Wahoo!

Thanks crystaltips
yes, this is definately a long term thing and like you say, we can only do what we do and be who we are and allow him to make whatever choices he wants to make in the long run. i feel almost sad for her because it seems to me that he will eventually see through her manipulative and self-serving ways and their relationship is bound to suffer... feel much more sympathy for him than i do her though as she is clearly old enough to know better and so bloody rude to everyone on earth that i cant help thinking she deserves whatever she gets. im pretty sure she must be lonely as she cant keep a freind, shes such a cow. even her mum is a little afraid of her apparently! whatever. her problem, not mine.

Bumpybel - cant believe theres another like her!! you have my total sympathy and understanding - who knew there were actual people who behaved this way?? i thought all those people on daytime talk shows were fakes but apparently not!
LOL on looking forward to her finding out about the bump - it really is the best revenge, just being happy and getting on with your life regardless of their wierd attitudes and behaviour. mind you, prepare yourself for her to find new ways to piss you off through this... can you believe her reaction to hearing about bump number 3 (due this month) was, to dp, i wasnt there; "oh, so youre keeping this one too are you?"
WTF??? cheeky b1tch! what the hell does she think were going to do with it?? and if for some reason we werent, why the hell would he be telling her about it?? Dont think dp even realised what a cutting remark it was till he told me about it and had to contend with steam coming out of my ears!

My dsd's BM used to sneer at me and tell me to "leave her family alone and f off and have one of my one - if you can", and another time she charmingly told me that she hoped my baby would be born deformed. Class act!

It is bizarre how much you can be hated just for getting together with someone else's ex, even though they divorced long ago, isn't it? I don't understand it myself.

I've been having visions of evil ex doing voodoo doll type pin ritual into mock up sindy doll of me! It's lucky we can all laugh about them! I'm not due til July, but I cant wait to start showing publicly!!! WaC... it might be nice for you to put ad in local paper celebrating birth of number three this month..with a glowing picture of happy family! Hope everything goes really well for you.

Right.. got work in eight hours! This mn malarky is way too addicitve!

Frosty - gasp! wow, now that really is bitter. what a lovely person

bumpybel - good idea maybe i'll get a photographer to make up some lovely family portraits, inc ss, and give her a framed one for ss's room so he can see his family whenever he wants. HAHA! i give it 10 seconds b4 its in the bin
except that would only upset/confuse him further so maybe i'll leave well enough alone [well behaved emoticon]

What a Cow (I feel bad calling you that). I really admire your honesty and it sounds like you are working so hard at making this work. If it's any help, I had similar problems with my youngest SS esp re different approaches to parenting at the two houses. I met him when he was 7 and Anniemac's post really hit a chord although I didn't see it at the time.

Originally he would never bother saying hello to me unless he had to etc. And to be honest, there have been times when I really haven't liked him that much and was sure we would never get on. But I perserved with being nice to him and kept my vents for places like here. But three years down the line he has suddenly opened up and it is all - Loop this and Loop that.

It's been a long haul and we still have one foot forward and two back days, but hang in there. I had the biggest smile on my face when he called for me rather than his Dad when he was ill the other night! It sounds like you are doing such a great job. Just an idea but maybe you are trying too hard (sorry if this is barking up the wrong tree) just sometimes I would try really hard and burn myself out and then get angry and resentful. I read about disengaging - leaving it all to DH every now and then and taking yourself off to a hot bath with a glass of wine and some candles for a while. It helped.

We have a very different approach to parenting and house rules to BM who spoils the kids rotten but doesn't make them do any homework etc and buys them every new game the moment it comes out. But we have been consistent and in the main it seems to work as the kids seem versatile about slipping between the two. But I can understand your frustration as it doesn't make life any easier for sure. BM used to really criticise us for being too strict and tried to undermine our discipline. But now the middle boy is running out of control at her house, stealing from her, smoking (he's only 12) etc and she can't control him or keep him in at night. We've had her on the phone in tears regularly yet he's been as good as gold with us. So hang in there and stick to your beliefs. Just don't be too hard on yourself xxx

WaC... did you ever imagine you'd get such a big response when you started this thread?! You need to start getting excited about your new little arrival now! SS will turn out fine, and he's very lucky to have you

If you open up any more deranged threads in the future, let me know! I'm in July 06 lot!

thanks bumpy, i will!
no doubt i will have the odd deranged moment now and then for the next...oh... 25-50 years!

and this is a fantastic place to work it through - am soooo pleased to have found it!

and thanks Loop. yes, disengaging is something i have become quite good at it certainly works for me too, but i do like to give them (dp and ss) plenty of opportunity for one on one time while hes here. and i think it is equally good for ss to get some time with dad and his brothers too, to help build a relationship there, and that seems to be working now... thankfully.

anyways, this is going to be a long old saga when alls said and done, swings and roundabouts and all that, but thanks to everyone who have given me some valuable and welcome points of view. i love MN!

Keep smiling NAC - and don't be too hard on yourself, being a stepmum is very, very hard

I saw this last year on an old thread - can't remember who posted it but I hope it makes you smile:

Children are like farts - you can just about cope with your own but other peoples are unbearable

Notactually -
PMSL

ta for that!

WaC - there's a programme on BBC1 tonight, 10.40pm about stepfamilies. It's along the lines of Little Angels I gather. Don't know if it will be of any relevance to you, but it might be worth a watch (or tape, if it's too late for you - it would be for me)

I'm going to watch that programme

Never heard of Little Angels tho but I'm definitely going to watch it

Aloha - I suspect that a lot of the hostility to new partners isn't about the man, its about the children. The fact that you split up with someone 5 years ago and have moved on is one thing, but him introducing a new partner into the family who will have an input into bringing up your children, is a very uneasy relationship.

A bit like with a MIL. It's a relationship which is forced on us (those of us with MIL's) which we didn't choose and yet we are obliged to make work (if we want family harmony). I would have thought that's an inevitable recipe for resentment, whether the relationship is MIL, ex-partner's new partner, foster carer etc. - the explosive ingredients imo are lack of choice about having the relationship in the first place and then subsequently, the power struggle over whose values are going to transfer themselves to the next generation of the family.

Just musing...

I think that description hits it on the head. And just like with MILs - sometimes it's great and sometimes it's not so brilliant....

Thanks!

oh help.

hes here again, only for the day, and for the first time in weeks too, as hes had 'behavioural problems' at school, and so been staying at his mums for 'stability'... hes been here all of an hour or two and i am hiding in my PC cubby hole, crying because his behaviour, and my helplessness to do anything about it (i am not allowed) is so frustrating and upsetting. i am actually crying because of a 6 year old!

just had a chat with dp about it and feel much less like a pressure cooker about to explode...

Hiya I know where you are coming from. We are good enough to cook, clean and care for the child but heaven forbid we "stick our noses in" and try to ease situations.

We have my sd's here this weekend for the first time in 3 weeks due to bm poisoning kids minds against us (there is an important family thing coming up in next few months, this is her way of ensuring we have little or nothing to do with it) . The two of them are completely ignoring me so I too am staying out of the way

Shame isn't it

yes bm3, it is a shame.

talking of which, did you see the stepfamilies programon bbc1 last night? i was in tears. that poor poor little boy!! made me want to adopt him

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