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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

ok, so i know this makes me an evil person...

94 replies

WhatAcow · 01/01/2006 08:29

but i hate my step son! there, i said it. i need to say it so bad because i'm going to say it to him soon, and that just wouldnt be fair.

hes only bloody 6 for f's sake! well, 6 this month. how can any sane rational mature adult hate a 6 year old?

to be fair, i dont hate him all the time. just most of it.

i cant believe what a relief it is just to be saying this to someone anyone, even (and only because) its anonymous. i have been bottling this up for some time now, hoping it will get better and go away... but you know what? in my heart of hearts, i know that i am also hoping that HE will just bugger off and go away. and never come back.

there. so im a cow. as much of a cow as his own mum, which is really saying something, believe me.

what on earth am i going to do? nothing i guess. as usual. oh bum poo shit arse.

sorry.

OP posts:

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LadyTophamHatt · 01/01/2006 08:31

but why do you dislike him so much?

LadyTophamHatt · 01/01/2006 08:35

I sure you don't really mean it either.

My 6 yr old irritates me more than anything and sometimes I'd could throttle him but I don't hate him.

LadyTophamHatt · 01/01/2006 08:36

and obviously I never would throttle him!!!

merrySOAPBOXingday · 01/01/2006 08:40

Poor poor child - what did he deserve to get you as his SM

Twiglett · 01/01/2006 08:45

that's sad .. but i don't think you're a cow .. I think you're expressing a totally natural feeling that you are doing well not to express to him .. good for you for finding an alternative outlet

I don't have experience of this but it must be so difficult falling in love with someone else's child ..

How long has he been your step-child? might it just take time?

hercules · 01/01/2006 08:50

I agree with Twiglett. It is sad but certainly doesnt make you an evil person. The good thing about mumsnet is that you can say things ie vent which you are unable to say in rl.

My mum always hated my father's children and still today speaks bitterly about them without any kind of guilt. The thought they were innocent kids has never occured to her despite her now being 67!

saadia · 01/01/2006 09:52

Does he live with you?

northerner · 01/01/2006 09:55

Yes, it does make you pretty nasty IMO. He's a child ffs. And probably a child who's gone through a difficult time of hid parents splitting up.

You're an adult fgs.

HappyNewFrannyandZooey · 01/01/2006 09:59

I don't think it's evil to hate a child, unless you think it is evil to hate anybody. Children are people too and they are not necessarily any nicer than adults. I think this can cause a lot of guilt when you do meet a child you dislike as you feel there is something wrong with you.

However you obviously need to do something about this, and fast. it's not fair to him or you to carry on like this (I am assuming you live together or see each other a lot). I hope someone will come along with some useful suggestions soon.

dreamboy · 01/01/2006 10:04

If his mum is a cow, as you say, and you dislike him, who is giving this little boy any positive messages about himself? Does his father like him?

Original poster

WhatAcow · 01/01/2006 10:06

wow, hurcules, thats awful.

thanks for answering me all of you - i just feel so trapped by my feelings sometimes and the last thing i want to do is let him know that i am so angry with him, especially as i dont think i am able to express clearly to him in a way he would understand, that i still love him really, i just want to throttle him for the way he behaves most of the time!!

further explanation of the situation: he only comes to stay with us every other weekend, and occasionally longer, like now, which means that its hard to establish rules for him to live by in this house, though in reality, i think we are doing fairly well at that over time. he is spoilt rotten at home where is the only child, but at the same time, his mum is a totally self centred wierd ego maniac person and i think the massive inconsistencies in the way he is dealt with by her, emotionally as well as practically are almost entirely responsible for the 'difficult' behaviour he displays.

now i have calmed down a little, i can honestly say, as i frequently do, that he is a very loving and affectionate child underneath who is i guess a little scared to show it and prefers to do the 'i dont need anyone, im wild me, just you try and control me, i dare you' act as a defence mechanism. he's sensitive and intelligent and essentially a very gregarious person who needs a lot of love, its just thet he behaves, not all the time, but often enough, like an obnoxious, spoilt, rude, little sod and its sometimes hard to see past that.

but you know what? hes 6. hes the child, and im the adult. and he loves me, and i love him, and i am doing my best to teach him that i will always treat him with love and respect and that he needs to do the same with me. and the fact that he can be a negative influence on my own 2 kids, both under 3 and another due this month, is just a challenge i will have to rise to. and i guess i know that he can be a massively positive influence on them too, even if it isnt always obvious.

phew! ok, vented now. feel better

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatAcow · 01/01/2006 10:09

his father adores him. he's not daft, and he know hes hard work but he adores him, and he shows it and tells him all the time. and i do too sometimes, honestly!

OP posts:

DoesntTheNewYearDragOn · 01/01/2006 10:11

So, all of you who think it's evil etc like/love every single 6yo child you've ever met do you? I know I don't. It doesn't make me a bad person.

It's how you act that matters, not that you feel like this.

Twiglett · 01/01/2006 10:13

I have a suggestion

why don't you sit down with him and agree house rules .. but make it a 2 way conversation I am sure there are things you and his father do that he doesn't like just as there

that way you might be able to agree modes of contact

like if it is whinging that bothers you, when he whinges you can point it out and he will take a deep breath and try again in a normal voice

you can keep a big poster of it up

LadyTophamHatt · 01/01/2006 10:15

"he's sensitive and intelligent and essentially a very gregarious person who needs a lot of love, its just thet he behaves, not all the time, but often enough, like an obnoxious, spoilt, rude, little sod and its sometimes hard to see past that"

You're describing my 6yr old too.

I think alot of us feel like this sometimes, It's the way you act towards the child that matters IMO.

merrySOAPBOXingday · 01/01/2006 10:17

WaC - anyone's 6 YO child can be a negative influence on the younger children in a family.

It seems to me that you think of him as an outsider to your real family and I think as long as you persist in thinking of him like that, then he will never truely become part of your real family.

I think you have a great deal of self-awareness about the situation which is positive. But you have to do more than think about it to make things better, you have to act on it too!

You also need to think about what aspects of the issues that you have with him you would have if he was your birth child and which are just because he is 6! There are countless threads on here on that topic and being a SM doesn't get you out of it

I really feel for this little sensitive child and the damage that may be being done to him by both his families. He didn't ask for all of this! And I bet he know how you feel - they aren't as daft as they look these 6yo boys!

Twiglett · 01/01/2006 10:17

I think it must be harder when its not a child you've grown up with since babyhood though

my almost 5 year old drives me bananas but at least I can remember him before he could talk

I have met some 5 year olds I honestly cannot like .. don't care if they are children .. I don't have to like them because they are children .. am quietly amazed at the censureship here when a poster is obviously in need of an understanding outlet ..

Twiglett · 01/01/2006 10:18

oo soapbox .. am so glad you have pulled back from your initial posting .. that's the soapbox I know and respect

merrySOAPBOXingday · 01/01/2006 10:21

I think as an adult I am capable of forming a loving bond with most 6 yo children, if I was to become a surrogate parent to them, yes!

We're not talking about a couple of hours of a child over for a bit of a play now and again. This is effectively the child's second home and effective surrogate parent when he comes to stay. And it is a life long comittment!

A world of a difference IMO!

merrySOAPBOXingday · 01/01/2006 10:23

But Twiglett - I don't detract at all from my first post. I do feel horrendously sorry for this poor child. Gutgwrenchingly so! If there is a victim in all of this it is the child!

The OP explained her position more fully and more rationally, and sounded much less of a cow than the first post and I thought deserved a more rational answer as a result!

Twiglett · 01/01/2006 10:24

I wonder if the father should take some responsibility here too

I think that there must be some type of over-compensation when you only get your DS for a weekend every other week .. so that you do your utmost to ensure his every desire is met .. as a partner and mother to other children in the family I can see that winding me up .. every other weekend a 'little prince' is introduced and changes the dynamics .

might that be a fair assesment or is it way of track ?

Twiglett · 01/01/2006 10:25

merrySOAPBOXingday · 01/01/2006 10:28

Yes - possibly You're just kinder in interpretation than me

DoesntTheNewYearDragOn · 01/01/2006 10:30

The OP know it's "wrong", irrational and horrid. They admit this and they're asking for help. Its not like she's deliberately set out to hate this child or make his life hell. I've certainly met children I wouldn't want to live with for any length of time. And, on some days, I would include my own in that!

feastofsteven · 01/01/2006 10:34

good point Dragon - that sometimes we can find our own children extremely challenging, and have negative feelings towards them! I think other posters are right, that 6 year olds can be very difficult. I think that the last few years must have been very unsettling for SS, given he has had several younger siblings to get used to. Like Twiglett, i think your DH/DP needs to play a more active role, and give attention for good rather than bad behaviour IYSWIM.

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