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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

ok, so i know this makes me an evil person...

94 replies

WhatAcow · 01/01/2006 08:29

but i hate my step son! there, i said it. i need to say it so bad because i'm going to say it to him soon, and that just wouldnt be fair.

hes only bloody 6 for f's sake! well, 6 this month. how can any sane rational mature adult hate a 6 year old?

to be fair, i dont hate him all the time. just most of it.

i cant believe what a relief it is just to be saying this to someone anyone, even (and only because) its anonymous. i have been bottling this up for some time now, hoping it will get better and go away... but you know what? in my heart of hearts, i know that i am also hoping that HE will just bugger off and go away. and never come back.

there. so im a cow. as much of a cow as his own mum, which is really saying something, believe me.

what on earth am i going to do? nothing i guess. as usual. oh bum poo shit arse.

sorry.

OP posts:

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DoesntTheNewYearDragOn · 01/01/2006 10:35

I'm sure there was another poster who had this problem with her step-daughter a while ago. There was (I think) lots of advice. I doubt I cuold find it now though.

feastofsteven · 01/01/2006 10:37

yes I remember that thread too Dragon. I remember Aloha posting very well along the lines of, the more you behave as if you really like your SS, the more you will like him. It was from several months ago IIRC.

feastofsteven · 01/01/2006 10:39

btw I think a lot of emotions/anger/frustration are par for the course when you are heavily PG - so I wouldn't judge yourself too harshly for extremes of feelings.

merrySOAPBOXingday · 01/01/2006 10:41

Soupie - I may get frustrated with my DC's but I don't and have never hated them

I doubt I could hate any 6yo if I'm being honest - certainly not 'most of the time'. Particularly not one who was the much loved child of the person who I had chosen to spend my life with and have children with.

But different strokes and all that

I admit to getting very terse about people who freely enter into a relationship with someone who has already got children and then resenting the existence of those children ad infinitum. Just one of those parp subjects for me - so maybe I should just parp and leave you all to it

Twiglett · 01/01/2006 10:46

bloody hell soapbox, really? I have

DoesntTheNewYearDragOn · 01/01/2006 10:46

But that's the point - the OP wants to make this right.

As for hating my own children - thing is, I've known them from before they were born and they're mine. I am absolutly certain that if they were thrust upon me now, I could easily hate them when they are behaving at their worst. Because they're mine, they come up and hug me and tell me they love me at numerous points during the day which forgives them most things

Twiglett · 01/01/2006 10:47

meaning I have felt fleeting hatred for my own children .. not yours .. I've never met your children

and I consider myself a good mum too

dreamboy · 01/01/2006 10:48

I think whatacow has counselled herself very well here. My post wasn't censure - she was censuring herself enough. I was genuinely asking how a child can be likeable if the adults in his life feel negatively about him? But wac has broadened out her original post and is describing most 6yr olds it seems to me!

Original poster

WhatAcow · 01/01/2006 10:50

twiglett - you are spot on with the overcompensation thing. it used to be much much more pronounced but dp is getting better at treating them all more equally, which i think the younger ones need to hear/see.

and soapbox, you are absolutely right in saying that it is my problem and not his, that he is the one who needs all the love and care and support and understanding to help him to allow himself to be who he really is, whoever that is, and however anyone else feels about that.

maybe i need to hear a voice telling me to get a grip, and so ithank you for your input too - its not always easy to hear the things we need to hear.

and as for integrating him into this family, that is and always has been my most heartfelf desire and intention. i tell him all the time that his brothers and dad and i miss him when he isnt here and that we think about him and love him all the time, not jst when hes here, and we have lots of pictures of him around so he knows hes not forgotten and i actively encourage the younger ones, who love doing it and adore/hero worship him, to look at his pictures and talk about him when hes not here.

it is actually one of the things i could smack his mother for, that i strongly suspect that she does her best to try to get him to believe the opposite, that daddy has a 'new' family now, and that he is not so important to him anymore (i told you she was a cow!) and so his father and i conciuosly (sp??) try to get him to really believe that none of that is true, both in the things we say and in the way we are with him.

i do think, as some of you have said, that a lot of it is jst normal 6 yr old behaviour, and cheers for funny admissions that they all do your head in sometimes. it is something of a mantra, for dp and myself; "hes only 6, how mature can we expect him to be??"

i guess its always hard being the first kid too. you have to 'break in' your parents in so many ways and the smaller ones reap the benefits...

OP posts:

HappyNewFrannyandZooey · 01/01/2006 10:51

Yes, acting as if you feel the emotion you want to feel is very effective I believe. I heard of some case where two psychologists whose marriage had broken down and were on the point of divorce, agreed to act for a year as if they were happy and in love, and at the end of the year both reported that they now did genuinely have those feelings and want to stay together.

I would imagine behaving in a kind and loving way to your ss, over time, could definitely improve your feelings towards him.

merrySOAPBOXingday · 01/01/2006 10:51

Twiglett

I was wondering if somehow I had managed to communicate just how challenging my almost 6yo DS had become

If anything happened to me (or DH and I split up) and DH found someone else - do you really think it's possible that someone else might not grow to love my wonderful children[sob] It is a horrible thought

merrySOAPBOXingday · 01/01/2006 10:55

Oh and WaC - you are sounding like not a cow at all now!

I'm sorry for jumping in FWIW - I hope that you all grow together and that this special little boy, with all his little quirks and challenges finds a special place in your heart

dreamboy · 01/01/2006 10:56

My 4yr old irritates lots of people and I get really sad for her. She's gorgeous and funny but a bit eccentric and I sometimes catch other adults showing their true feelings towards her. dd1's friends, being 5, aren't so polite about her.

This makes me want to rip their heads off and take her to a desert island to live with me forever, but instead I've got to socialise her before it's too late.

Original poster

WhatAcow · 01/01/2006 11:03

soapbox - have every respect for what you are saying, and feel much the same way actually. grown ups are grown ups and should bloody well behave like them, and kids are kids and deserve a damn sight more of everything, love respect, understanding etc... than they usually get.

in truth, i never actually hate him, i just get very frustrated and that is made worse by bottling and not being able to express myself. i should never have used that word, and it is precisely because i NEVER want him to feel any such thing from me, or anyone lese for that matter, that i came on here to get some different, balanced, views from other mothers who might just get what im on about.

and you have all helped enormously, thanks.

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Original poster

WhatAcow · 01/01/2006 11:11

dreamboy - ouch. sounds like a gut wrenching thing to watch.

when ss was smaller, i had much the same experience, in that he behaved like such i little maniac that i could see other adults thinking 'what a turd', you know? and he would get rejected by other kids who he wanted to play with in playgrounds and stuff coz he just didnt know how to approach people and make friends... he was too open and jumped straight in and i dont think other kids knew quite how to take him. of, course, as soon as he felt rejected, he'd hit someone, and nine times out of ten, if someone started crying in a group of kids his dad and i knew it was coz hed just whacked someone again...

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Original poster

WhatAcow · 01/01/2006 11:13

and FWIW dreamboy, i think all the best people are a bit eccentric

OP posts:

dreamboy · 01/01/2006 11:16

I agree. She'll be a fascinating and captivating adult, but right now I've got to steer her through her 'individual' approach to life! I think your dss sounds similar, which is why my first post was a bit tetchy, sorry.

Original poster

WhatAcow · 01/01/2006 12:00

no need to be sorry - i like people who fight the corner for those who are too young/otherwise unable to do it for themselves

and she sounds wonderful. maybe we should get her and ss together, think theyd make great pals

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatAcow · 01/01/2006 17:13

thank you everyone for helping me work through this.

he's actually had a great day of being incredibly nice to the younger ones - the immediately younger one anyway - which is unprecedented and extremely encouraging. ds1 is chuffed to bits to be included by ss in his games and stuff and the relative peace in the house is such a relief.

it is so good to move from being trapped against a rock of negative and unproductive and destructive feelings into a more productive state of mind.

your support, doesntnewyeardragon, was particularly welcome - thanks for making me feel less of a monster

OP posts:

Crystaltips · 01/01/2006 17:23

FWIW .... ever think that this child prefers being with his dad and the rest of "that side of his family" rather than being with this mum ???

If that's the case he'll be confused - hadte himself for these feelings - and therefore ( probably ) lash out at you WAC ( as it's your fault for being so nice and loving and welcoming .... )

Just a thought .....

Original poster

WhatAcow · 01/01/2006 21:04

hmmmm, i never thought of that. i will take that possibility on board. thanks for the thought.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatAcow · 01/01/2006 21:19

oh god, poor little sod. am now feeling thoroughly crappy about ever letting frustrations grow to such a point that i posted what i did in the first place, and just hope that he hasnt picked up on these feelings too much. i guess hes got enough to deal with without that.
could still throttle him sometimes, but like you all say, feel like that about any 6 year old (actually, i could do that to lots of people, age not a factor!) from time to time. and someone did helpfully point out that my hormones at 38 weeks pg are bound to be a bit skewiff. i think i can live with myself

wont do anyone any good to feel guilty and dwell on it anyway, will it??

OP posts:

Crystaltips · 01/01/2006 21:22

Don't be so hard on yourself ... sadly there are a couple of kids that I know who I really dislike .... I KNOW that I shouldn't but that's the way it is!

It's not possible to like everyone - so why should their age exclude them IYKWIM.

But YOU seem to be welcoming and kind and trying to make him fit in ... maybe he just doesn't get this attention at home ??
You are doing FINE xx

bumpybel · 01/01/2006 21:25

WaC! I'm new to all this and am preg with first baby, but the dilemna of telling two step kids aged thirteen and nine. I've been in their lives since the nine year old was five and there have been some real ups and downs.

Is nat mother a bit of a dragon? I say that because this one is the most vile of vile and that can affect things. The thirteen year old, we have had more ups and downs with, as she has been influenced by her mother and is often sent over to us with rehearsed lines from her mother.We also only see them every other weekend. However, when she is with us for long enough, things become more stable. I get really wound up at some of the things she says, but know that its all her mothers doing and not something she fully understands.

The nine year old has become an absolute gem and i've really grown to love him to bits. Initially we had a few ups and downs where he would want his own way alot. I think this is alot to do with testing the boundaries and maybe not knowing how to express emotions etc. But i can safely say that four years down the line, i wouldnt change a thing.

I'm sure that if you maintain stability in his life and let him know that things are consistent with you, he will grow to understand that you're the good guys. Evil ex s have got so much to answer for! Good luck... things will get better.

MelissasMummy · 01/01/2006 21:31

So his mum is selfish, you have 2 children already with another on the way. My guess is that he is acting up for attention. ( I haven't read all the posts, so bare with me if it's all been said before) maybe he feels like he doesn't come first unless he is doing something naughty? Is it possible that you could try & talk to him to find out how he is feeling?

Being shunted back & forth isn't easy on a child. He probably has different rules at home to those at your house & is probably more than a little confused. Can your DH have a chat with his mum to try & get some consistent routines/bounderies put in place to make him feel safe & haapy?

It must be hard for you as you already have your hands full. Does your DH spend one to one time with him when he is over? Cinema, football etc, away from the house, maybe this will help?

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