How do you all get on with the ex??

[flixy102]

Hi all
Have just been wondering if anyone has a good relationship with the mothers of your DSC? My DH's ex would rather cross the street than say hello or would just totally ignore me if she drove past or met me in tesco. We have never actually spoken. Their daughter comes to us once a week so we don't co-parent as such. This doesn't really bother me but I would rather we could be on speaking terms. Oh well, that's just her.
Anyways, her and her husband are expecting their first child together and I think it would be nice if we got the baby a present, just in the interests of being friendly and adult. I don't want to get something for it to be thrown to one side and not used because 'we' or 'I' had bought it.
Haven't spoken to DH about it, he may look at me like I've got two heads!
So, back to the question, is anybody else
really friendly with the ex??

Flixy, my situation is rather like yours in that DH's ex would cross the street to avoid me. We've never been formally introduced, there's never been any real need, she doesn't communicate or co-parent with DH, so she certainly wouldn't feel the need to communicate with me.

This has never caused any problems, although there are bound to be family occasions in the future, ie graduation, weddings, christenings etc where our paths will cross.

The ex left DH two years before he met me, so I didn't have any bearing on their divorce, but I do sense some real animosity, and I've heard from several different sources that she's re-written history by telling people that DH left her for a younger woman (ie me) but the important people know the truth, so I just leave her to it.

Petal-I'm dreading those sorts of forthcoming 'family' occasions! I'm hoping by then I'll have children of my own with whom I can try and fade into the background with!

I'd bin a present from my DH's ex too. Because it would have something attached to it.. some kind of subtect that would only become apparent a few weeks later..

I get on with my ex's new partner well though. But I wouldn't buy their new baby a present. As far as I'm concerned. If it weren't for DD I wouldn't even be in contact with him, or her. So there is no need to do friendy type things with them. Co-exisiting without arguing is what I aim for. And an ability to speak freely about the children's needs without a hidden agenda.

I don't see the need for anything more.

Ha ha petal, my DH is also alledged to have left his ex for a younger woman... (although somehow he didnt meet me until a year after their divorce!)

We say hello to each other but that's the extent of it. Like Petal my DPs ex left him well before we met, she too has re-written history by saying that we had an affair (completely untrue).

In all of my dealings with her I try to make sure that she has nothing whatsoever to complain about.
For example:

• she sends the children on holiday with a suitcase full of dirty clothes, I make sure they go home with a suitcase full of clean clothes (I draw the line at ironing)
• she drops DSD (7) off at 6:30pm with about an hours worth of homework, I make sure it's finished to a decent standard
• despite not working and having 2 weeks to think do it she tells DP that it's his weekend so he has to make costumes for school play (because she knows he couldn't make a decent costume if his life depended on it), I make sure that DP helps DSDs (and me) to make costumes that they won't be embarrassed to wear

It's actually quite good fun being sickly sweet all the time (just to see the reaction). So, because I try to take the moral high ground all the time I probably would persuade DP to send a card if she had another baby (wouldn't get a present though and wouldn't sign the card).

My DH's ex hates me (another history re writer) but she bought our DD presents when born and I've since reciprocated for the birth of her DS. More than anything it's nice for my DSS as they are his sister and brother so it helps him feel like it's all his big family. Xmas and birthdays will also see the kids swapping pressies.. Not in the same room though, she draws the line at actually breathing the same airspace as me!!

I count myself very lucky that both DP and I get on very well with his ex. As well as with her partner, and with her/their family. We all end up spending time together about once every couple of months for things like DSS's birthday, and also stuff like barbeque parties, housewarming parties etc and have quite a lot of mutual friends.

TBH it was all very easy for me, as DP and his ex had worked to foster a good dynamic long before I arrived on the scene, all I had to do was slot into it which was easy to do as they are all lovely people. Particularly ex's mum, who went out of her way to make me feel welcome and included at family/extended family events, which I was very touched by.

In the early stages I thought me and DH's ex could get along fine. She threw him out and they had been divorced for a year before I came along. I really thought there was no reason why we couldn't rub along or better.

I just didn't allow for the fact that she was going to go out of her way to make my life as difficult as possible. She is really a very unpleasant person and I now avoid speaking to her at all whenever possible.

My dss's mum has given my dds a couple of presents, and I thought it was a really nice gesture. It made dss happy too.

Never spoken to her. She won't talk to DP either. I've tried communicating by e-mail and offering to meet her, she agreed but when I tried to pin her down to a time she ignored me and I never heard back.

I will never understand why a Mother who professes to care about her kids so much has no interest in meeting a woman who lives with her kids 40% of their time.

I've met all of my ex's partners and some I have liked and some I haven't. But I have always been polite enough to say hello and smile. Current girlfriend is very nice and I'm very happy my ex is with her.

Hey,
I'm in the same boat. DH found out a new bloke had moved in two weeks after he and his ex broke up. We got together a year later but somehow we were the one's having the affair ...Since then she's been sure to make everything as difficult as possible with regards to DSD...sometimes I can just shrug my shoulders and say 'oh well'..other times I just want to shout 'grow up'..

I do take pleasure in being as nice and as helpful as I can be so she never has any real ammunition to bitch and moan..just makes her look more pathetic..sad really..

I would write a card but definitely no pressie..you just know it will never get used or worn..sigh

Blue x

DH's ex is civil with me, extremely hostile to him (don't know why, she dumped him). We conduct all conduct through her DH, who I feel sorry for, as he's very disorganised at times & struggles being the go between on dates, logistics etc.

All very sad as it should all be at least civil and hopefully friendly by now -it's nearly 8 years since they split.

However, I'm sure there are better examples out there!

Meant to say we do write birthday cards for her other (very lovely) child & occasionally have bought a prezzie when relations have been less hostile (there are times I would have feared it would be thrown back at us!)

My DSS can drive me insane, my 'D'H even more so with his pathetic pandering and Disney parenting with obvious favouritism for his son, even after his own DD has been born.

His ex however is lovely, occasionally I don't agree with her parenting style but then I sometimes don't agree with my sisters, it's each to their own I suppose, just so long as the child's best interests are at heart.

I went to my DH's ex's hen do, made her wedding cake, we exchange gifts 'from the children'. DH's ex is pregnant and I'm building up a little hamper type thing with vests, blanket, cardi, essentials etc. I'm sure she will be over the moon with it, as I was for the gift she bought us when our DD was born.

It was very much an amicable split though and I was partner no. 3 for my DH after their split.

I'm very lucky, my DH's ex is a lovely person who always tries to think of her son's wellbeing first. My eldest DD1 has recently made contact with her bioDad after 8 years and I met his partner a couple of weeks ago, it was a total accident at a kids party, we hadn't realised that we have mutual friends! I was perfectly nice to her, had no reason not to be but she seemed so relieved, like she expected me to be some kind of witch!

My DH's ex has MH issues and has fixated on me as a source of 'bad luck'. I've only seen her about 3 times - on each of those occasions she threatened violence. (I'm not the OW, BTW) I have attempted to be as pleasant as possible given the circs, and whilst any present that had anything to do with me would be binned, I still make sure that when we take DSS out we get something for her from him.

Doesn't have to be this way, tho - am on good terms with my ex's wife, and now that she has wised up decided to get a divorce, DD is keen to maintain contact, so hopefully we will be able to continue a friendship of some kind.

I have a good relationship with my ex's partner, we are genuinely friendly when we meet and I didn't hesitate to buy a present from my dd when their dc's were born (they are my dd's half siblings).

I had thought I could foster a good relationship with dh's ex - really assumed that as they had broken up before we met (she had remarried to the man she had an affair with) it would all be fine. It has never been the case, on the few occasions I have met her she has been very hostile. I have come to realise dh & I are her whipping boys..if she is happy in current relationship she will be in a reasonable mood, if the relationship is failing then she looks to direct her anger at us. She is soon to marry for the 4th time so she wants to be civil..given her past history I doubt it will last. For those reasons I no longer attempt to be friendly.

Hi

This is a difficult and sensitive issue. I will share my experiences. I am sure all people have different views brought about by theirs.

I take the view that if my kids are away from me there would not be a minute I would not be thinking about them.

I would want to meet my ex's new partner, no matter what the circs of the break up, within reason. They are likely to have to spend some (whether significant or not) time with my kids. You wouldnt send your kids to any old childminder that you had never met, would you?

I say this, actually as a non parent. I can't have my own kids.

My DH's ex was quite happy to drop his kids at the gate for a whole weekend every week with me there and run away like a startled rabbit!! No eye contact, nothing (She left my DH for a neighbour BTW some time before we met). I found this so hard to understand. I had no experience of kids FFS and she knew that, I could have been feeding them Stella and monster munch all weekend, getting their ears peirced, introducing them to Tyson, my pit bull terrier with a short fuse..

I took the bull by the horns and insisted that we met, to talk about the kids and her views about what she expected of me (my DH was there too) for her and the kids' sake, not mine.

We are poles apart on everything (this is putting it mildly) and will never be friends, but we have to accept for better for worse we have a common ground.

I have failed miserably though in persuading my DH to meet his exW's partner..despite the force of my argument with my DH. His exW will have nothing of it and is denial that they are in a relationship..lol.

Sorry if this comes accross as a bit patronising, but it is something that I tried to "man up" about when I realised that my DH and I had a future.

PS

Flixy 102, about the present. You hit the nail on the head when you said about being friendly and an adult. I would keep this as your mantra. Presents OFTEN mean more to the giver than to the reciever. If it makes you feel good to give a present, then do it. It would be the right thing.

Seraphina: "You wouldnt send your kids to any old childminder that you had never met, would you?"

... while I agree it's perfectly natural to miss your children when they're away from you (though many resident parents are also appreciative of the break), I think your comment above is rather unreasonable. After all, the children's other parent would also, presumably, have their children's best interests at heart and wouldn't therefore place them in the company of someone unsuitable for whatever reason. As the other parent, it's their judgement call to make when the children are with them, and, unless you have genuine suspicions of risk concerning the new partner (eg. violence, alcohol or drug abuse or so on) you (not you personally, but anyone in the same position) really doesn't have any automatic right to meet the new partner. Your comment above suggests that you'd want to meet the new partner in order to "vet" them ..... say you do meet, what then, if you don't like them ? Do you try to insist that your ex only sees his children away from his partner ? ... again, except in extreme circumstances, that isn't something the resident parent has any right to lay down the law about.

Quite clearly, in an ideal world it'd be great if all parties concerned could get on together, or, at the very least, be civil to one another but unfortunately, the world isn't ideal and people have various reasons for not wanting to meet the ex. In my particular case (and getting back to the original question posed by this thread) I have no desire after many years to meet my partner's ex or have anything to do with her. This is because despite never having met or spoken to her she has still seen fit on many occasions to call me awful names, make up stupid, but potentially damaging, lies about me and calls my children bastards. I too have been spoken about in terms of being the other woman even though I met my partner more than 2 years after they split. That's not including all the other nasty, deliberate, spiteful troublemaking she has tried to inflict upon us on many many occasions. Why on earth would I want to interact in any way at all with someone like that ? So, no, I guess you could say that I don't "get on" with her, but have no desire to do so after so many years of nastiness ... there is only so much you can put up with until people burn all their bridges.

For people who have "normal" exes I think that ad hoc meetings (e.g. when dropping off/collecting kids) are fine - why shouldn't they be ? ... but personally I do understand why some people would baulk at "forced" meetings because these can smack of the ex wanting to give the new partner the "once over" and few people would feel comfortable about that.

Thanks for your replies everyone....so many mixed views! I have to say my DH's ex has never said anything bad about me to either me or DH (as far as I know) but just would do everything to avoid me. Presumably she trusts my DH to have picked someone to marry that he feels is suitable to look after their daughter when he can't be there (certainly my DH feels that way about his ex's husband) so she doesn't feel the need to 'vet' me. I'm not sure whether she feels hatred for me (although I was not the OW and she broke up the relationship) or whether she thinks she is too good to talk to me, I really would like to be in a positive place with her.
I think I may still get the new baby a small gift, I think it would show me as the better person and make my DSD happy.

My DH ex would have binned it straight away. She has invented a new version of DH and invented a me that suits her hey ho can't change the world!

In thus situation I would say take DSC to the shops give them a budget let them pick whatever they want and get them to write the card

I agree with catsmother. Its the parent in charge's business to decide if their partner is suitable to spend time with their child, I wouldn't allow myself to be "vetted" by my partners ex and nor would I expect to vet my ex's partners.

However, I wouldn't go out of my way to be difficult either and I agree it's best to all get along if you can.

I wouldn't expect anyone to "vet" me but as a Mother I would want to know who my child is spending a significant amount of their time with. I would talk to the kids but also want to meet her too, not for a heavy meeting but just a quick chat on the doorstep. You can work someone out very quickly and don't need to go into parenting attitudes, rules etc.

Surely you should be able to say hello, discuss things like medication for the kids or what homework they have and manage to be civil. If someone is caring for my child, I wouldn't have the audacity to be rude, to be honest.

Some women seem to think that they "deserve" a break and another woman can look after their kids with no interest or sense of responsibility from the mother of the kids.