How do you all get on with the ex??

[flixy102]

Hi all
Have just been wondering if anyone has a good relationship with the mothers of your DSC? My DH's ex would rather cross the street than say hello or would just totally ignore me if she drove past or met me in tesco. We have never actually spoken. Their daughter comes to us once a week so we don't co-parent as such. This doesn't really bother me but I would rather we could be on speaking terms. Oh well, that's just her.
Anyways, her and her husband are expecting their first child together and I think it would be nice if we got the baby a present, just in the interests of being friendly and adult. I don't want to get something for it to be thrown to one side and not used because 'we' or 'I' had bought it.
Haven't spoken to DH about it, he may look at me like I've got two heads!
So, back to the question, is anybody else
really friendly with the ex??

I?m never quite convinced why anyone would need to meet an ex?s new partner. As previous posters have pointed out, you have to assume that the father is responsible enough to ensure that only suitable people come into contact with the child when he/she is with him. It?s not for the ex to ?vet? those people, otherwise surely the ex would be vetting school teachers, neighbours, friends parents etc ? the list would be endless.

If you go down the route of letting the ex ?vet? the new partner, then it suggests that the ex has decision-making powers over whether the new partner should be allowed to spend time with the child, and then you?re on really dodgy ground.

I?ve also heard of women who try to stop father?s seeing their children either because the woman hasn?t met the new partner, or maybe she just doesn?t like her. I?m sure there was a thread on here recently, where the child wasn?t allowed to ?overnight? with the father if his new girlfriend was in the house. Very manipulative.

One poster comments that ?you wouldn?t leave a child with a childminder you?ve never met? ? but every parent leaves their child with school teachers they?ve never met.

And then you have the total opposite, which is what happens in our household: the ex isn?t interested in meeting me, I doubt she?d care if I were Myra Hindley, just so long as her son is ?off her hands? on a regular basis.

I?m sure you get women who just want to ?check-out? their husband?s new girlfriend, and that?s not really fair either.

Redhen raises an interesting point about needing to know if the child is taking any medication ? good point, because we didn?t know til last year that SS is supposed to have a syringe with him at all times. The ex won?t co-parent with DH, and certainly doesn?t communicate with me, so this information was never passed on. And of course it would have been SS that ultimately suffered if he?d been taken ill at our house, we wouldn?t have know what was going on.

Petal is spot on. It's like the current eastenders story line with amira "You can see your daughter but not if your partner is there" Utterly ridiculous.

Although I do agree with what Redhen says in regard to people not caring who the women is as long as she's caring for her child so she can have that "me time" she's oh so entitled to!

I'm not (and there wasn't in any case) the OW and I've always had a cordial but distant relatonship with my DH's exW.

My DH was diagnosed with cancer a year or so ago, and DH's exW was very kind, and very helpful when dealing with my DSD and DSS during this time as even though they are quite grown-up now, it was a difficult time for us.

I've always thought she was a great mum, but now I see her as a good person as well IYSWIM. So I guess these relationships evolve and change over time, like all relationships.

We have a great relationship with DH's ex and her husband. The kids like it, we get together for family occasions, she buys presents for my kids - it is very civilised and - I think - a good example for all our children about how to behave after a relationship.

Sorry if that sounded smug - it wasn't meant to be and it wasn't always that easy either - it has taken a number of years and alot of effort on all our parts to get there.

DH's ex has always detested me, even though she was the one who left the marriage for someone else (it didnt work out) and he and I met much later. If I go to collect/drop off from her house she closes all the curtains and makes the child(ren) wait at the end of the road. She has told me I am not allowed to drive down her road . She has had the police arrest me, accusing me of harrassment. I have been in a supermarket when she has walked in, she spotted me, put down her basket and left! She told us she was not happy about us living where we do (in next village to her) and would like us to move further away . Apparently I have brainwashed DH so that he wont communicate with her any more (he just doesnt want to communicate her!). Apparently I also wish she were dead and am trying to replace her in the lives of her two children (one of whom she drove out of home and he now lives with us). According to her he would actually like to go back and live with her but I am preventing him from doing so! I am also apparently very insecure and unhappy (nothing further from the truth!). In fact I am pretty much the devil incarnate. So in short, no, I would say we dont really get on at all... And to quote one of her recent rants : when her cancer returns (which will be no doubt be soon and entirely the responsibility of DH and I for causing her so much stress in her life) and she does die, then we have to live with that guilt for the rest of our lives.... Yeah right.....

PS I should add that DH's exw's parents (i.e. the boys' grandparents) have always been really lovely, which is great as we can meet and chat in a friendly manner at social gatherings and go to their drinks parties at Christmas etc. Unfortunately their daughter wont talk to them, nor the rest of her family so she is the one missing out.

Hi

Me again, sorry.. I think i might have wigged out with my last post on this and overtaken Flixy's point and over stated mine. My only defence is, that a work nights.. and I dont have my own kids (although was married before for 15 years) so I actually can only imagine that I would have to over come strong feelings when my kids went to my exH whether he had a partner or not TBH. God bl**dy forbid and thank you all the little angels that I never have to see him again..!

I just couldnt understand (like Flixy) why my DH's exW seemed to completely avoid me, it was almost comical at first..she would literally run away from the door if I answered, we live in a small village and if I walked into the PO and she was walking out she wouldnt speak or make eye contact. We are in a nice position, at least i thought we were. I was not the OW, there are no hard feelings, she moved in with her DP before I met my DH.

TheRed made my point much better. There was no vetting going on, it was me as the SM who "pushed" to make contact with her to say "hello, i was just wondering if you would like to meet me as I am spending time with your kids.." and it was just that.

She is better now, and you know..I think she was a bit shy and I now know (5 yrs later) that she has terrible guilt about what happened when the marriage ended. Maybe she was worried that my DH had told me about it and I would be judging her. He gave me an edited version (very loyal and kind man and probably ashamed of what she did..) but her old friends gave me the full story.

So Flixy it's poss a combination of guilt, shyness, feeling awkward..whatever - there is no blueprint for divorce or sep, everyone is different.. but it's her problem. You go buy that pressi, hold out the hand of friendship if you possibly can. She might be relieved you made the first move and more importantly you will appear to be a well stable and sorted chick to your DP/DH.

I have an excellent relationship with my DH's ex. It helps that we went to the same primary school (although not friends), so she and I know each others' backgrounds. Although she was initially hostile, I have worked really really hard to build and maintain a pleasant relationship. Sometimes I think I overdid it because she is always very keen to spend time all together (ex, DSD, DH, DD and me) but I think it is very nice for DSD to have all her family around her at the same time as often as we can. Also shows her that her mum and DH can present a united front. DH and his ex tolerate each other reasonably well, they wouldn't choose to spend as much time together as we all do but they manage to be pleasant.

When DD was born, DSD's mum gave us a beautiful nappy cake which was a very generous present and she didn't have to do that. DSD's mum has also offered to babysit if we need and was very sweet and thoughtful when I was recovering from my EMCS.

It isn't always perfect and I do have to be extraordinarily tactful and diplomatic on occasions, but I think it is worth making the effort. Although I may well have a different view after February as we're going on holiday together - not as one party but both holidaying at the same place at the same time, for 4 days.

i wish she and i could have a normal "working" relationship with my dp ex but she is not in place were we can and frankly i want nothing to do with her.
i am having a baby in feb i guess she may buy her a gift from the kids that will be fine though like others have said it will prob be mentioned in future.
i ignore any and all inference and would say if she wants nothing to do with you and isnt making your life difficult count your self lucky.

Have you thought of helping your SD to buy a present for her new half-sibling? You could choose it together, and help her wrap it to give to them. They'd know you'd paid for it, presumably, but might find it easier to enjoy that way.

My ex and his DW are expecting shortly, and I plan to help my DCs to choose a present for the baby.

If she's just avoiding you and not actually hostile, she might just be feeling awkward, or unsure whether you've been told bad things about her by your DP. Good to be pleasant to her if you can.

I am on good terms with my DSC's mother, we are quite friendly and civil to each other, she has invited me and DP to social events at their house and on the kids birthdays we sometimes all go out for dinner together. She usually buys my DD a present for Christmas/birthdays. But, if it wasn't for the kids we wouldn't have contact and whilst we are friendly, we are not friends.
I think she appreciates that I do my best to care for her kids and she has been welcoming and accepting of my DD (half sibling to the DSC) which makes for a much easier and comfortable environment for us all.

I'm on reasonably good terms with dsd's mum, but hardly ever see her tbh. She's not really my cup of tea and we have nothing in common at all apart from dsd. I know she's made comments about me in the past, and she tried getting all chummy with mil when she realised dh and I were serious but only to question her!

She always buys dd Christmas & birthday present, but such a big deal is made of it that I wish she wouldn't tbh! Oh and I always get a Glade scented candle for Christmas...... which gives me asthma. Every year, despite dh telling her!

She's not too bad as ex's go, she's flexible and so are we with contact. Can't complain too much apart from her trying to kill me!

I am on good terms with DSS's mum. Initially she didn't seem interested to meet me even though DSS lives with us, which I found weird but eventually we did meet and actually she was very pleasant to me. I think the relationship between exw and DP has improved since I became involved. I think she relates to me as a woman and can see I take good care of DSS which probably assuages her guilt a bit from leaving DP and DSS and having an affair. She is now always friendly and pleasant when we meet at handover or when she calls DSS. If she were to have another child (highly unlikely as she doesn't really 'want' the first) then I would definitely get a gift etc. I would always help DSS to make cards and get a small pressie for her for Christmas or Mother's Day. If you can take the moral high ground and just make friendly gestures I think you will reap the rewards at some point. Even if she does bin your gift for her new DC, her partner and her friends will probably think its a really nice gesture and it might make her think twice about crossing the street. I think you have the right idea about being friendly and adult.

Just thought u's update this-I asked DH today did he think we should buy a baby gift for his ex's new baby and he thought about it for a very long time before agreeing that yes we should, only because this baby will be his daughters sibling, not because we particularly want to give a gift. I agreed and said that at least we will look adult about the situation and not give her another reason to slag us off. (she has a major superiority complex). If she wants to put the gift in the bin, that is her prerogative and not my problem. The upper hand is mine!

that's nice. at least you can be sure you are doing the right thing with the right intention.

Quite simply my DH's ex wreaks havoc and pain on everyone around her, SS included. I really do not know how she sleeps at night the way she treats SS, DH and his family. She is a hideous, rotten, evil person.

Jencd, I could have written that. I feel for you.

I used to like dh's ex-w ...until I realized the extent of her manipulation of her children.
I believe she has issues that I am getting the brunt of.

She still (after 8 years ) makes strange requests of dh .( can he bring her gags ect. ? )

I don't trust her anymore .

FFs
Fags not gags .

Droves - last week my DP called his children from the airport (travelling with work).
His ex asked if he could stock up on duty free for her then sent a detailed text of what she wanted: fags, booze and perfume. My ex got the lot, took it round yesterday when he picked up the kids and the closest thing he got to a thank you was her boyfriend saying 'great, that's tonight sorted then'. (we won't be holding our breath to be paid back!).

Well, those of you who said not to send a present were correct-we sent a present and card home with DSD last week as well as a present from my mum and heard nothing back, was expecting just a thankyou text, something that would only take a second or two to do, but nothing .
We gave the present for DSD sake, so I don't really care what her mum thinks but surely it's just common courtesy to thank the person who sent it in the first place?
Oh well, I suppose it's true what they say, leopards never change their spots.

ignore flixy you did the right thing. thats all that matters in the end.

flixy you did the right thing she may just be overwhelmed with the new baby

Jencd, Im in your club, DHs ex emotionally abuses her children, and they still do whateever she wants