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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Rude Teenage Step Son - Am I Over Reacting?

60 replies

FruitAndNutChristmasCake · 19/12/2005 13:32

Please can you give me advice on what you would all do in this situation?

SS 17 is staying with us for a couple of weeks. Yesterday (Sunday)DP woke him up at 14.45pm. SS didn't get up and just lay in bed playing Playstation. At 15.30 he was still up there and had not even come down and said hello to me! DP asked if he was getting up for breakfast/lunch! He said he wanted a ham sandwich so DP goes to start making it for him (despite the fact that I had just made his own lunch that he hadnt eaten yet)! I went mad! He is 17, the fact that he hadn't come down at that time of day I think is totally rude, let alone being waited on aswell! When I had a go at DP about it, he said "oh hes only having a lie in"! Til 15.45pm???????

He only sees DP a few times of year as he is in the army now and lives over 200 miles away! I thought the whole idea of him coming to stay was to spend time with his dad? Perhaps I have it wrong?

When I asked DP if he wanted to come to the gym with me the other night (we normally go together 4 times a week) he said he doesnt want to as he doesnt want to leave SS on his own. So for 2 weeks I have been going on my own and every time when I get home, DP is on his own in the lounge and SS is upstairs playing his Playstation!

Please tell me am I over-reacting? DP says I am, I am totally livid that SS gets away with acting this way when he is a guest in our house. I know teenagers are rude, but being in the army now I thought might have made him grow up a bit! DP just will not say anything to him and when I told him how rude I thought it was, he just threw at me that he thought my mum was rude when she comes to our house because she smokes!!!!! The difference is, I agree with him, I have argued with my mum about it and she knows how I feel about it, albeit that she is stubborn and doesnt stop! However, my mum only stays with us once a year at the most and only for 1 night!

If DP just agreed with me and said that he thought SS was rude then I wouldnt mind, but he just always sticks up for him and argues with me even though I know if it was anyone else he would agree with me. Im not just getting at SS, if it was anyone I would say the same, but it is not just that that I find rude. He is constantly helping himself to stuff out of our cupboards without asking (perhaps Im old fashioned, but I would never do that in anyones house, not even at 34 years of age). He will go out and make himself a cup of tea and bring it in without asking us if we want one! Despite having much more money than us at the moment (army pay is great) he wont put his hand in his pocket for anything. He even asked for some money to get a KFC the other day despite having about £500 in his wallet at the moment! He went shopping with DP and put loads of things for him in the trolley without asking (including a £3.50 guys magazine)!

Am I over re-acting?

OP posts:
harpsiheraldangelssing · 19/12/2005 14:56

fruitandnut sorry if I sounded harsh, you are obvioulsy having a very difficult time.
I think you are resenting the presence of this person in your house, and it is a flashpoint for all the difficult things that are going on,
I think resenting a 17 year old for Taking things from your cupboards" and not really making him all that welcome in your home could be perceived as rude
I understand how you got here but you are really being driven to breaking point, but you are right to focus on your dp (who is responsible for this unfortunate situation) and your step son (who is not)
sorry again if I came across as a little rough, I have been where youe step son is right now and it is not a comfortable place to be tbh

HaveYourselfAKnottyLittleXmas · 19/12/2005 15:00

Yes I think I have seen you post about this before. Very sad for you, but it might be the fear is bigger than the reality, especially since at least the eldest can presumably choose now whether to see his dad?

Anyway, I think you are right to be thinking hard about your future.

Despite the maxim about putting your children first, if your DP wants to move on, he's got to make some compromises and acknowledge your needs too.

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 19/12/2005 15:04

FANC I'm so sorry for you that it has come to this, tho I have to say I'm not completely surprised

Do you really think it's the end of the road for you? Does your DP know you feel like this? I didn't realise it was your house before you met your DP - surely if you do split he should be the one to move out?

{{{{{{Hugs to you}}}}}}

Thinking of you xx

Original poster
FruitAndNutChristmasCake · 19/12/2005 15:06

Thanks harpsiheraldangelssing. One thing I want to make clear though is that despite how I may sound on here, I have NEVER EVER been rude to my stepkids and I have ALWAYS made them welcome in MY/OUR house, I have never resented them however it sounds. I have always accepted the fact that I have all the bad parts of having kids with none of the good parts. I even have photos of them on my desk in work.

When DP was on shifts and SS (17) stayed, I always used to take him to the cinema, out for a meal, entertain him while his dad was working.

DP's last girlfriend of 2 years refused to even meet the kids in the whole 2 years they were together, and she seemed to get more respect than I do (by BM and DP). Just a thank you once in a blue moon would mean so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
FruitAndNutChristmasCake · 19/12/2005 15:09

Thanks NAAMC, I know you are one of the few people on here who actually know me and my situation. I think it is the end of the road, for the kids sake I think I need to sort my head out and concentrate on what I want now.

I need to find someone who can share the things I want out of life, including a baby, marriage, holidays, quality time together, love and affection etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
FruitAndNutChristmasCake · 19/12/2005 15:11

DP can keep the house and buy me out, afterall he will need somewhere to have the kids. He cant have them staying in a 1 bed flat with him. I will move away and stay with my family for a while.

OP posts:
MyXmasPuddingSixpenceworth · 19/12/2005 15:11

From what you have posted, he is being a perfectly normal 17 year old boy - they are all a nightmare! However, it is clear that his behaviour (however normal) is the straw that broke the camels back. It sounds like the whole situation is dreadful. It is sad to hear that you are packing your bags at Christmas, but perhaps a little space (and a jolt to your other half) will force a little reflection and perhaps a way forward.

I wish you all the best.

Original poster
FruitAndNutChristmasCake · 19/12/2005 15:25

Thank myxmaspuddingsixpenceworth. It is dreadful and I am not blaming the kids however it may sound. Im sorry if I came across rude, I am not rude I have just always been brought up to respect people and respect people's property and even now at 34 I would still not dream of helping myself to stuff in my parents house. But I guess times have changed. I only recently felt like this about SS helping himself after we found out he had been going through our private paperwork drawer and found a card saying "to my fiancee" on it. BM had a huge go at us when she found out we were engaged and admitted that SS had been looking through our private stuff. We had bills statements etc. in that drawer and I dont like people knowing my business. We have now locked it all away, but it still leaves a bit of a taste in the mouth.

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 19/12/2005 15:28

So sad for you FANC

Looks like you've definitely made your mind up - have to say I don't blame you, you've had a really, really hard time with your skids - much of which IMO, for various reasons, your DP should take the blame for

I know you've tried and tried to talk to him on lots of previous occasions to no avail, FWIW I do think you're doing the right thing

Have you arranged to stay with someone? PLEASE keep in touch with us, I'll be worried about you xx

Original poster
FruitAndNutChristmasCake · 19/12/2005 15:34

I am hopefully going to stay with my mum 200 miles away NAAMC. I have told her yet, just summoning up the courage. Not sure if I will be back on here, to be honest, not sure if I belong, im not a mum and I soon wont be a stepmum either.

OP posts:
Sleighmenere · 19/12/2005 15:35

Can I just say that BM sounds like a right, unevolved, thick cow. I am very sorry for you - I have a 17 yr old ss who lives with us (his mum threw him out aged 15) and is bone idol, however he and I are pretty good mates and if he is annoying me I just talk to him about it. His dad usually backs me up. It can work.
It is blatently obvious to me that your problems are with your dp and there is a good chance that those problems are insurmountable. He has been split up from his ex for 7 yrs and he's letting her dictate his big important life changing stuff . This is absolutely ridiculous and you should not put up with it. Good luck.

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 19/12/2005 15:49

FANC of course you belong!! You'll always be one of us - and you can be an honorary stepmum cos we said so

PLEASE do keep in touch, I really will be worried about you

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 19/12/2005 15:50

BTW totally agree with Sleighmenere about BM - but again your DP should take much of the blame for letting her have so much control over his life

spruceylucy5 · 19/12/2005 16:15

Wishing you all the luck in the world, let us know that you are ok

bsg · 19/12/2005 16:27

You are probably going to all pounce on me for this but...
How come there are so many threads moaning about step children? Surely the stepmums on here knew that their DH had children etc and yet there is sooo much moaning about them.When you enter into a relationship with a person that already has children, you can make the decision right then at the beginning as to whether you can handle the step kids and the ex wife.
I have a step mum and I go to their house and I dont feel like a guest. I help myself to whatever I need. I am 29. If your DH doesn't see his son very often then he probably just wants to spoil him a little. I don't agree with staying in bed all day as its such a waste of life but he sounds to me like a typical teenager.

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 19/12/2005 16:39

bsg - I take it you're not a stepmum?

Believe me, nothing can prepare you for being a stepmum. Yes of course we all know our DPs have children at the start but absolutely no way can anyone "make the decision at the beginning as to whether you can handle the step kids and the ex wife"

Trust me, it really isn't that simple

christmaslovingbluealien · 19/12/2005 16:43

bsg, are you in this world?
we all know things about our partners before we get involved. doesnt mean we are ready for the reality of it.

bsg · 19/12/2005 16:43

No not a stepmum, just had one for the last 24 years.

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 19/12/2005 16:49

bsg - next time you see your stepmum, ask her to tell you honestly if she's ever, in any way at all, struggled with being a stepmum

I'm not having a go at you btw, before I was a stepmum I'd have probably said the same as you

christmaslovingbluealien · 19/12/2005 16:51

well, im not a stepmum, but i do have a mil. who is an absolute )(&(&* by the way. which isort of knew before i got married. but doesnt stop me coming online and having a moan about her.

bsg · 19/12/2005 17:26

I have spoken in great depth to my step mum about the events since I was 5 etc. She told me that when she met my dad she knew about me and my sister and has always tried to treat us with the upmost respect as children of my father. I have had arguments with her as I have with my own mum when I was a teenager.
Nothing more to add really, it just really annoys me when I see these threads because I feel sorry for the step children who didnt ask for a step mum or a step dad.

LooptheLoop · 19/12/2005 17:40

FANC - just to send you loads of energy and love. Stepparenting can be hugely stressful at times (and hugely rewarding on the good days I know) but I honestly believe you need your partner's support and a mutual approach to make it work. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all - it sounds like you are not being listened to nor your opinions respected. I don't think it unfair that you ask to be an equal member of the household. When that doesn't happen it is perfectly understandable that the little things become so important - straw that breaks the camel's back stuff I guess.

Please do stay on the site whatever you decide and let us know how you are getting on. xxx

PS - one of my personal hobbey horses but I find it ironic that when natural parents air their frustrations/struggles with their children, they don't get a "well you chose to have them" answer. I guess you don't know when you haven't walked in that person's shoes (better go now, beginning to sound a bit Country & Western!).

Seriously FANC - please let us know how you are. Thinking of you.

bsg · 19/12/2005 18:09

How many natural parents would expect their 17 year old son to ask permission to eat something from the cupboard? I don't believe I have seen a thread like that before from a natural parent.

LooptheLoop · 19/12/2005 18:28

I agree. But that is taking just one quote of a long story out of context and looking at it too simply.

I would hate it if any of my stepchildren didn't feel this house was just as much their home as DH's and mine. But equally I would hate to feel like I didn't count in it too.

bsg · 19/12/2005 18:53

I have always tried to be respectful to my step mum and it can't be nice if any child disrespects you but when children are teenagers whether step or natural they can all be rude and miserable and not very sociable at times. Maybe in this case it is a question of figuring out how it acts towards his own mother.If it is different to his step mum then that is rude and needs to be addressed. If he is the same to his own mother then he is just being an awkward teenager.