Rude Teenage Step Son - Am I Over Reacting?

[FruitAndNutChristmasCake]

Please can you give me advice on what you would all do in this situation?

SS 17 is staying with us for a couple of weeks. Yesterday (Sunday)DP woke him up at 14.45pm. SS didn't get up and just lay in bed playing Playstation. At 15.30 he was still up there and had not even come down and said hello to me! DP asked if he was getting up for breakfast/lunch! He said he wanted a ham sandwich so DP goes to start making it for him (despite the fact that I had just made his own lunch that he hadnt eaten yet)! I went mad! He is 17, the fact that he hadn't come down at that time of day I think is totally rude, let alone being waited on aswell! When I had a go at DP about it, he said "oh hes only having a lie in"! Til 15.45pm???????

He only sees DP a few times of year as he is in the army now and lives over 200 miles away! I thought the whole idea of him coming to stay was to spend time with his dad? Perhaps I have it wrong?

When I asked DP if he wanted to come to the gym with me the other night (we normally go together 4 times a week) he said he doesnt want to as he doesnt want to leave SS on his own. So for 2 weeks I have been going on my own and every time when I get home, DP is on his own in the lounge and SS is upstairs playing his Playstation!

Please tell me am I over-reacting? DP says I am, I am totally livid that SS gets away with acting this way when he is a guest in our house. I know teenagers are rude, but being in the army now I thought might have made him grow up a bit! DP just will not say anything to him and when I told him how rude I thought it was, he just threw at me that he thought my mum was rude when she comes to our house because she smokes!!!!! The difference is, I agree with him, I have argued with my mum about it and she knows how I feel about it, albeit that she is stubborn and doesnt stop! However, my mum only stays with us once a year at the most and only for 1 night!

If DP just agreed with me and said that he thought SS was rude then I wouldnt mind, but he just always sticks up for him and argues with me even though I know if it was anyone else he would agree with me. Im not just getting at SS, if it was anyone I would say the same, but it is not just that that I find rude. He is constantly helping himself to stuff out of our cupboards without asking (perhaps Im old fashioned, but I would never do that in anyones house, not even at 34 years of age). He will go out and make himself a cup of tea and bring it in without asking us if we want one! Despite having much more money than us at the moment (army pay is great) he wont put his hand in his pocket for anything. He even asked for some money to get a KFC the other day despite having about £500 in his wallet at the moment! He went shopping with DP and put loads of things for him in the trolley without asking (including a £3.50 guys magazine)!

Am I over re-acting?

No you're not. He's rude. and his dad is also rude for expecting you to live with it.

No you are not over reacting, ss at 17 should know better - he is taking the piss. So is your dh for allowing him to get away with it.

I would be livid if I were you. I agree totally on the not helping yourself to people's cupboards! I would say something to him, preferably in front of his Dad - with a smile, but so the meaning is clear. He should be told, definitely, that he is out of order.

Hmmm i think yes and no

As a stepmum to an almost 12 year old boy i guess i still have this to come. Though our situation is a little different ss is here every weekend. But i was also a stepchild so i try to see things from both sides.

My opinion is that no you are not over reacting to the laziness.....i often have to remind everyone else in our household that i am not here to clean, cook etc all the time. Though we do have a very equal household most of the time in regards to cooking and housework etc and ss does his share too.

but i think some of your comments are a little ott. The helping himself to our cupboards....do you not consider it to be his home as well??...the fact that your dp brought things for him....he is still his son and is only 17 even if he is earning. My mum sees me only 2/3 times a year and still wants to buy things for me and im 33!!

At 17 my stepmum thought that i should be standing on my own two feet and asked me to leave home. My dad was a bit of a gutless wonder at times and didnt stand up to her about this. I left and never did regain the same bond i had with my dad ever again

Tread carefully

HTH

TBH, and I think I am going against the grain here, but I do think you are over reacting.

My DD is only 5, but i would hate if she went to her dad's house and it would be thought that she was eating "their" food as it is her father's house.

I also don't think it matters how much money your SS has, if his dad wants to buy him a few treats, then i don't see how that is a problem. My DD probably has more money in her bank account than her dad does but i am sure he would still buy her a magazine and a kfc.

And if your DP only sees him a few times a year then I don't think it is too much or a hardship to go to the gym on your own or put up with him lying in bed at weekends (I done that at 17 too )

i think you have to remember that your SS will always be your dp's son, no matter how old he is etc. My xp says no matter what happens in the future and how happy he can see dd is he will ever get over the guilt of spliitinmg up her family and not being with her all the time, and will do whatever he can to make it up to her (and me) in the future. Could it be your dp feels similar to this and as a result, ingores the behaviour that you find irritating in your SS?

well, if your dp wants to wait on him hand and foot, thats what he wants to do.
there is no point in wasting your emotions being angry over this. you will simply be painted as the wicked stepmother.
let them sort it out with each other.

but i do think the kid si being rude, and needs to be taught some manners. i just dont think it is your place to do it.

the money issue. well he is only taking stuff out of his dads cupboards. not a strangers. iyswim

sorry, but i also think you are overreacting. does it matter that he doesnt come down? he isnt your son, you are not the one who should worry if you dont get to see him. and im sorry, but expecting him to pay for his own food is a bit mean. ok, if i go to my grandmas i ask before i go routing through her cupboards, but my mums house used to be my house and i have never really come round to thinking that its not stuff to be shared in there. i suppose it comes down to whether or not you want him to think of your house as his second home, or if he should feel like a guest. personally, i would hate to be a guest in my parents home

as for the cup of tea thing - that i would mention! next time he comes in with one just ask where yours is, you dont need a huge meeting but its just common sense to think others might want a drink too

Thank you for your comments.

Nzshar, thank you for your honesty. My comments may seem a bit of ott, but it is how I feel! SS lives over 200 miles away and sees his father about 3 or 4 times a year so believe that he should be spending quality time with him not just using our house as a doss down. I do not personally class it as his home purely because he lives so far away. He has 2 other homes, his BM and his gran's house the latter of which he resides at due to not getting on with his mother. I admit perhaps I shouldn't react about DP buying him things as he is his father, but with the way I feel right now, it is just money after money after money on the kids and money that we just cant afford. I cant remember the last time I had a KFC or ate out and to be honest most nights we only eat beans on toast or the like. The only time we get proper meals in is when the kids stay.

I love my stepkids to death, but I get no love or affection back from them, not even a friendship. The money they cost is ruining us (thanks to BM expecting us to pay for everything on top of the CSA payments). The Solicitors fees over the last year just to fight for regular contact with the 2 youngest and a very large Christmas Wants list for the kids from BM just add to the frustration.

I probably am being unreasonable, but being a stepmum is so hard, especially when I have dreams of being a mum myself and just receiving a little friendship and civility from my stepkids would go a very long way.

fruity, is this man worth it?
its up to him to make sure the kids are civil to you. and its up to him to ensure that he also provides a decent sstandard of living for his current wife. [if that annoys anyone , well, tough, im oldfashioned] and it doesnt seem like he is doing much for you.
but i do think that you should just leave it to him to sort out.

yes you are over reacting. And sorry but I think you are behaving in rather a rude way yourself.
you are confused I think about his status in the house. he is not a guest at all - he is one of the family.
you are treating him with resentment and I cdon't think that is in anyone's interests.
I would imagine being in the army is probaly pretty tiring - maybe the kid needs a rest.
in terms of the behaviour - I would say it is all pretty normal behaviour for a 17 year old. he's normal. He is with is father and doesn't feel he has to be on his best behaviour, nor should he.
I don't know the circumstances of the break up, but maybe he is still adjusting?? I don't know but I do think you need to chill out, and start acting like the grown up in this situation.
and even if he is (objectively) being rude then, sorry but so what? what possible purpose can be served by you getting angry, arguing with your dp and driving a wedge between the two of you? the only possibl end result is bad for you. as you say, it is only for a few times a year.
it is not about you. It is about your dp and his relationship with his son. it is not really for you to judge this relationship imho.
if you bite your tongue and work at this relationship then with luck he will grow out of this difficult phase and be a delightful guest in a few years time. If you cause trouble between the three of you then he doesn't come or it becomes a source of conflict between you - then he won't.
sorry to come off so "tough love"...I know it isn't easy butit is only for a short period of time

I don't think the fact that your DP buys him things is wrong - but a 17 yr old with a full time (well paid) job asking for things would really get my goat

Thank you all, you have made me see that I am over-reacting and I must either put up or shut up in this instance. However, this is just the tip of the iceberg there are lots of other issues that I have had to put up with regarding this "family" including not being able to have a baby of my own as BM and stepkids will disown DP, us not getting married as it would upset the kids too much, BM having boyfriends that physically abuse youngest SS, BM telling us (through solicitor) that we have to take the kids abroad each year (even though she goes abroad with boyfriend without kids, verbal abuse from BM on the telephone late at night, alcoholic BM driving over the limit with kids in the car, Parental Alienation Syndrome - turning kids against their own father etc etc.! All this just adds up to make me realise that if this is what being a stepmum is all about then I really do not have the qualifications for it. Thanks all for your help x

17 year old boys doss, it's normal but the difficult thing for you is that hes not your son. You probably feel you have little control of whats going on and that you hubby is taking sides which he probably is. You probably resent that moneys tight for you because of the step family and i dont blame you. What I am trying to say is that sometimes when there is resentment, conscious or not it can make you scrutinise every little detail and just winds you up further. Try and step back from the situation, work out the anger at the gym . Sorry your feeling like this but the good thing is , is that the lad obviously feels comfortable in your home to treat it like his own, so your doing.

sorry fruitandnut you are obviously having a very hard time... the 17 year old in behaving like a 17 year old, no more no less. you need to work it out with dp I think.
hope things improve for you.... soon

sorry , i left off.... a good job of hiding your feelings from him.

I also agree yes and no.

I have two step children now aged 17 & 18. And yes teenagers can be lazy, selfish b*ggers, but then, weren't we all!

As far as money is concerned, I have never interfered / been bothered by DH spending money on his children. I would be livid if someone else criticised me for spending money on DS! But I also know DH is reasonable and never spoiled SS & SD, so it's not been an issue.

In terms of him lying in bed all day, well, perhaps your DH needs to be more proactive arranging things for them to do when your SS is staying. You might need to do some gentle persuading on this one. If your DH hasn;t made any plans then I don;t see you can really blame your SS.

As for SS treating your house like a home, well, it is his home sometimes, isn;t it? But, like any home where there are children and parents, there need to be certain rules / behaviour expected. I would, for example, expect that if I cooked a nice meal for DH and s'kids, they would all clear and wash up afterwards. I also expect them to respect mine & DH stuff. If my SS made himslef a drink and forgot to offer me or DH, I would proabbly make a joke about it, to embarass him a little, because he probably wasn't thinking, rather than being deliberatley rude.

But the most important thing here is that you have to agree all this with your DH. Becasue teh real issue here is not with your SS, it's with your DH. Before your SS visits next time, you need to sit down and agree some ground rules beforehand, plus perhaps a bit more planning for what they will do when he is there.

HTH

harpsiheraldangelsing - Thank you for your opinion, I dont see quite how I am being rude? but thank you anyway. I am packing my things as we speak and will get out of this situation so hopefully DP and family can see if they will have a better quality of life without me.

For information, DP and BM split up 7 years ago and DP and I have been together for 3 and a half so I think SS has had quite a bit of time to adjust, althought I appreciate children never get over it. However, it was BM who kicked DP out one night due to her over abuse of alcoholism.

I have tried everything I can to love those kids and be a good (yes trust me very good) stepmum to them. I have spent every bit of spare time and spare money on them and have received not so much as a thank you from DP in return, so I guess im in the wrong job so to speak.

Thank you all once again.

Incidentally house was mine prior to DP moving in and so yes I am a bit tetchy about things. I will deeply consider my life and attitude and hopefully the New Year will see major changes in my life.

Something my DP told me from the very start of our relationship is that when the chips are down in any situation his child will always win out over me. What he meant by that was that his love is unconditional for his child and im afraid that a love between a man and a woman is conditional. As long as you understand that i think that you can get through most things step parenting can throw at you.

As others have said .....maybe every now and again ....not just in this situation you need to step back

Thanks Nzshar, unfortunately I have been the only one stepping back for the last 3 and a half years and I dont think there's any further for me to go.

BTW just seeing your other post, if you want children of your own and DP doesn't, you will never be free of resentment for his children.

Been there, got the t-shirt

Yes I agree the problem is probably more likely with my DP and hence why I am leaving to confirm this. I have asked DP so many times to take my side for once or to discipline the kids once in a while, but it always comes down to me being in the wrong. I know he feels terrible guilt, but so do I and it's no more my fault that DP and BM split up than the kids.

Fruitcake, speak to your dp maybe even after years he doesnt realise how hard it is and just expects you to love his kids like he does.( im not saying you dont love them but its diffrerent) He's not thinking about you. My friend was in this exact posistion and came to breaking point and they sat down and thrashed it out. Half of the things she had been worrying about he hadnt even considered. Not because he was a pig , just because he was a man. Once these things were discussed life got a whole lot easier.

nzshar my DH also said that to me some years before we had DS. Of course I was quite upset by it at the time, but since having DS I understand exactly what he meant.

I feel guilty about some of the things I did and said as a step mum before I was a mother myself, because I didn;t get it.

Thanks haveyourselfaknottlylittlechristmas. Its not that DP doesnt want anymore kids its that BM has threatened him that he will not see his current kids if he has anymore

BTW I pretty much had a nervous breakdown and left DH over it all but we managed to get through it, got back together, got married and now have our fantastic DS so I would definitely advise a real heart to heart on this one with ultimatums, unless you think things are really over between you