Rude Teenage Step Son - Am I Over Reacting?

[FruitAndNutChristmasCake]

Please can you give me advice on what you would all do in this situation?

SS 17 is staying with us for a couple of weeks. Yesterday (Sunday)DP woke him up at 14.45pm. SS didn't get up and just lay in bed playing Playstation. At 15.30 he was still up there and had not even come down and said hello to me! DP asked if he was getting up for breakfast/lunch! He said he wanted a ham sandwich so DP goes to start making it for him (despite the fact that I had just made his own lunch that he hadnt eaten yet)! I went mad! He is 17, the fact that he hadn't come down at that time of day I think is totally rude, let alone being waited on aswell! When I had a go at DP about it, he said "oh hes only having a lie in"! Til 15.45pm???????

He only sees DP a few times of year as he is in the army now and lives over 200 miles away! I thought the whole idea of him coming to stay was to spend time with his dad? Perhaps I have it wrong?

When I asked DP if he wanted to come to the gym with me the other night (we normally go together 4 times a week) he said he doesnt want to as he doesnt want to leave SS on his own. So for 2 weeks I have been going on my own and every time when I get home, DP is on his own in the lounge and SS is upstairs playing his Playstation!

Please tell me am I over-reacting? DP says I am, I am totally livid that SS gets away with acting this way when he is a guest in our house. I know teenagers are rude, but being in the army now I thought might have made him grow up a bit! DP just will not say anything to him and when I told him how rude I thought it was, he just threw at me that he thought my mum was rude when she comes to our house because she smokes!!!!! The difference is, I agree with him, I have argued with my mum about it and she knows how I feel about it, albeit that she is stubborn and doesnt stop! However, my mum only stays with us once a year at the most and only for 1 night!

If DP just agreed with me and said that he thought SS was rude then I wouldnt mind, but he just always sticks up for him and argues with me even though I know if it was anyone else he would agree with me. Im not just getting at SS, if it was anyone I would say the same, but it is not just that that I find rude. He is constantly helping himself to stuff out of our cupboards without asking (perhaps Im old fashioned, but I would never do that in anyones house, not even at 34 years of age). He will go out and make himself a cup of tea and bring it in without asking us if we want one! Despite having much more money than us at the moment (army pay is great) he wont put his hand in his pocket for anything. He even asked for some money to get a KFC the other day despite having about £500 in his wallet at the moment! He went shopping with DP and put loads of things for him in the trolley without asking (including a £3.50 guys magazine)!

Am I over re-acting?

I'm a stepmother to a teenager too, and honestly, it is NORMAL for teenagers to be in their rooms, texting their mates etc. They aren't trying to be rude to you. That hasn't even occurred to them. And remember, you think of him as a guest, your dh thinks of him as his son. Totally different things, totally and utterly different expectations. Do you have any children? I would never expect my children to ask my permission to help themselves to a snack or drink in their own home. If he brings in a cup of tea for himself - absolutely typical teenage thoughtlessness - just say, 'oh, tea! Yes please!' and ignore any huffing.
Teenagers - even lovely ones - are self-absorbed, self-obsessed and oblivious to other people. It's normal and hormonal. They come out the other side eventually. When he asks for money, make a joke of it. Also, and most importantly, I think criticising someone elses child to them is always a bad thing to do, and will never make the other person turn around and say, 'hey, you are right. My kid is horrible'. It is primal to defend your own child. Your dp LOVES his son, as much, though differently, to how he loves you. You have to calm down about this, no matter how much you hate it. It will only damage your relationship if you don't. Your dp is probably loving the fact that his son is relaxed in his house and treats it as his home. It's only a few times a year. He'll be gone soon and you will have your old life back and your dp will not see his son for a long time. I think you have to be extra tolerant, and if you are, you will reap the rewards in years to come, both in terms of your relationship with your dp and your stepson.

Sorry, see you are having relationship problems and want your own kids. If you do and he won't cooperate, leave now. Dont' throw good years after bad. it's not your stepson's fault, your problem is with his father.

FANC how are you?

Thinking about you, please get in touch

xx

Aloha's posts are spot on. I'm not a stepmum but I do have 2 teenagers - that's the way they are, that's the way I was too!

I'd agree too. I think you might be finding it hard to put up with your SS and his behaviour because of everything else that has happened/is happening.

It really is not right though that you're being denied the chance of being a mother yourself just because BM will be upset. Dh lets a lot of things go that he isn't happy about with dsd because we just want to keep things on an even keel with her mum, but for me that would be just too much. I spent years with a lovely man who didn't want children, it was agony and I was completely torn as to what to do. In the end we did split up and I went on to meet dh and have dd. I used to wonder whether I would end up resenting him if I'd stayed with him and not had children, and now I have dd I know for sure that I would have.

Have you thought about getting some counselling for yourself? It might help you get a few things clear in your own mind.

Sorry things are so bad for you right now.

FANC, I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time, and I'm sorry I haven't been about to show you some support. {{{{hugs}}}}

I must agree with Surfermum, I think that you sound as if you would benefit from some counseling to help you think with greater clarity. Who wouldn't feel torn, resentful and confused as you do at the moment?

I really feel for you as you know I think that you would make a wonderful, loving mother and I know how much you yearn for it.

WHAT THE H*LL HAS IT GOT TO DO WITH BM IF YOU HAVE A CHILD OR NOT? I'M SURE IF SHE DECIDED TO HAVE ANOTHER ONE SHE WOULDN'T NEED YOUR DP'S PERMISSION!

Sorry for the caps but it makes me so angry that your dp is letting her have so much control over your life.

FANC, please carry on posting here, you may not be a Mum right now but I am sure you will be one day, and besides we will miss you too much, we are friends after all. I'd hate to think that we might not chat on here again and you can't not post here anyway, you are a founder member of the Nutty Stepmums Club, once you are in it you can never leave!

I wish I had some more constuctive advice for you. Thinking of you. xx

FANC, I posted on your other trhead too, it is so hard.

Yes, teeneagers are lazy, idle, etc, and it is up to DP ti decide whether he wants to spend time with ss. My stepdaughter is 12, when she visits us she spends 90% of her time on the PC, 8% of her time eating and the rest with us. DH is just greatful that she visits, as she prefers to be at her own home.

BM cannot dictate whether you get married, have kids, it is u to you and DP. The stepkids will accept it.

In the same way, she cannot control how much you spend on them or if you take them abroad; if DP wants to do all this, then it is his decision. BM can beg and plead and bribe, but his decision.

The kids are old enought o know what is going on. And they are old enough to decide if they want to keep their relationship with their father even if he re marries. Most older children want to see their parents happy.

I think most of this lies with DP. he needs to look at his relationship with you as well as ss.

Good luck.

Just to echo the other threads - I think the real issue is with your partner and how he treats your relationship. Your stepson sounds like a normal teenager (I'm embarrased when I look back at what I was like!) but unfortunately you're probably very sensitive to it as it sounds like you're at the end of your rope. Don't be hard on yourself for that.

I think the counselling idea sounds excellent. Is there any chance that your partner would come along? I just wondered if you saw someone experienced in step family issues whether it would help him start to understand your perspective and think about the control BM seems to extend? And for the two of you to work out jointly how to manage the inevitable stresses and strains. From what I've read, unless a couple's relationship is strong and united it is very difficult for a step family to work. If he doesn't want to try, I can't see what more you can do.

Maybe you're beyond that and have already made your decision.... but just a thought. Please do let us know how you are. You've been such a big giver of support for others xxxx