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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

22 year old SD will she ever leave home?

20 replies

chuffinell · 08/08/2011 20:33

i am sorry but this is all very selfish and negative, but am desparate for my SD to leave home

shes graduated, got a steady boyfriend and is no trouble but she is constantly here! we only have a 2 bed house so she shares with our DD age 6. she never makes the bed and makes the room untidy

the worse thing is the total lack of space and time alone that i get - i crave some time to myself without her hanging around under my feet, and her bf is here all the time too and sometimes her friends

what age do young adults leave home these days?

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chelen · 08/08/2011 20:48

I think people do leave much later as housing either rented or bought is expensive. However, my father did tell me I couldn't live at home after going back after studying lots of times.

It wasn't an easy thing to hear, but I was helped to find somewhere nice (the nicest place I ever lived actually!) and it was a nice new chapter in my life.

So perhaps you could help her find somewhere nice (I mean help with process, not necessarily cash), rather than just turfing her out. On the other hand, if she is living there she should be contributing and should live by your rules/standards.

I think you are not out of line for wanting some space, if she is going to be there then I would expect a big jump up in respect. Plus it is fine to tell her her friends can't come over, my friends wouldn't have been allowed to just come over a lot.

Original poster

chuffinell · 08/08/2011 21:22

thanks for your kind response

i wouldnt just turf her out but i think its high time she stood on her own 2 feet and gave me a bit of space. trouble is my dH wd want her living here till she is 40, he thinks she is entitled to live here as long as she wants

OP posts:

Penthesileia · 08/08/2011 21:29

What's your relationship with your SD like? If it's good, then perhaps have a gentle discussion with her along the lines of what does she want from the future (IYSWIM) - finding out whether she hopes to move in with her BF, rent her own place, etc, how could you and your DH help her facilitate that.

If it's bad/strained, then it's hard to advise. She may be keeping her foot in the door as a way of still having a home with her dad.

Original poster

chuffinell · 08/08/2011 21:34

no its not strained, i try and bite my tongue constantly

i think a few gentle hints may be in order..?

OP posts:

Penthesileia · 08/08/2011 21:44

Other than the untidiness, she sounds like a decent young woman, so try to be patient! Some gentle hints, or - rather, as I suggested - some offers of help, not necessarily financial, but perhaps logistical, etc., to stand on her own two feet. Does she have a job, or one lined up? What are her plans? If she's just graduated, she may be wondering what the hell she should do now. Help guide her. 22 is an adult, but sometimes people need pointing in the right direction.

Re: biting your tongue. Don't forget I'm sure she probably feels that she "bites her tongue" wrt to you too. She probably makes an effort, in her own way, with you as well.

thehairybabysmum · 08/08/2011 21:46

Make it less nice for her.....tell her she needs to up her standards for starters, give her grief til she does make bed/tidy/washing etc. Does she work? If so then charge her rent that is the going rate for a room in a shared house and tell her so. If it is not 'easier' to live with you then her and bf wont do!

SingingTunelessly · 08/08/2011 22:29

Well if DH is a Disney Dad then she probably has no desire to leave.... What can you do? I honestly have no idea even though I keep looking for answers.

ladydeedy · 09/08/2011 12:06

I personally think you are maybe being a bit harsh - being a stepmum and having a stepchild (even at 22) live with you is part of the package to some extent. however, I agree a good way forward is to have a chat with her and find out what plans she has, if any. Many young people are a bit directionless at this age, having just graduated she is probably wondering what next?

It is expensive and tough out there for young people. She may not wish to live with boyfriend and cannot afford to rent on her own. If she is working though she should be contributing to your home. If not working, then contributing in other ways, help in the home etc.
If she has steady boyfriend presumably she is not at home under your feet all the time - must be out with him sometimes?

SoupDragon · 09/08/2011 12:09

Buy her a flat then.

redfairy · 09/08/2011 17:46

This probably isn't just a step thing. My 22 year old son is still at home and I'd love him t move out. I'm not sure it's like the good old days when I was younger when it was expected that as soon as you got a full time job you could stand on your own two feet. Younger people seem to expect a home until they are ready and able to make the move and as a consequence we find ourselves parenting for so much longer. Thnak goodness my daughter left for uni at 17 and never came home. I'm not sure when the other one will go. Let's face it it is sooo much more difficult financially what with mortgages and sky high rents. The only thing I do is make sure my son contributes adequately to the household and not make things too cushy for him.

greycircles · 09/08/2011 17:53

My brother just moved out of my mum's house. He's 30.

I think your attitude sucks. Parenting doesn't stop at 18 - your H is her dad for life. I do think it is her "right" to live with you - otherwise, like someone suggested above, buy her a flat.

You sound just like my stepmother. She sees me and my siblings out of duty and I think she would prefer us to live a long way from her.

timetoask · 09/08/2011 18:01

Hello, I can understand the need for space, it must be really hard for you.
However, I agree with your DH, I left home at 24. My parents didn't have any issues with that and I have not grown into an irresponsible grown up without a place to live. It just took a bit longer.

Unfortunately, not only did you marry your DH but his family as well. So you need to accept it.

chelen · 09/08/2011 20:27

I don't agree at all with the idea that just because someone married a person with children they have to accept grown adults hanging around for ever in a permanent state of dependence - that seems a poor service to the kids.

We talk all the time about helping our kids/stepkids move on to the next level, helping them grow up. I think helping kids take that step out of the family nest is part of that.

I'll be encourarging both my stepson and son to move out at the right time - I'm a very soppy mum but I want to teach my kids they can do it on their own.

nenevomito · 09/08/2011 22:07

Nice ishoos greycircle. Thanks for sharing them with us.

OP - I don't think this would be so much of a problem if you had a bit more space as you have 3 adults and a child in a 2 bed space. Lets face it, sharing a room with a 6yo when you're in your 20s is hardly ideal. It would be good to think that when people reach adulthood that they will go off and be independent, but it can't always happen.

If she's working then its not unreasonable for her to pay rent and you could possibly put some of that to one side for her, to save for a deposit for a flat or in a house-share.

You also need to compromise - It would be fair to ask that her friends and boyfriend are not there all the time as you need your space as well. Perhaps have them round 3 nights a week and she can go out or around to his house for the other nights? That way you can get some space without her leaving home. Do you think that would work.

nenevomito · 09/08/2011 22:09

I also don't think what you are feeling is just becasue of her being your SD. I've know plenty of mums whose children have moved back home when they've finished their degree who are close to killing their darling offspring as they've got used to having their homes to themselves!

Sariah · 09/08/2011 23:43

I don't think you have a right once you reach 18 to live anywhere. Most kids stay at home after that age because they have it too easy and couldnt be bothered to move out and become responsible. I think it is unhealthy for kids to live at home for too long. Sharing a room with her 6 year old sister cant be ideal either.

GlitterySkulls · 10/08/2011 03:33

i'm struggling to understand your sd, tbh

i'm her age, with a husband, son & a sd of my own- i couldn't imagine living with my mum, i like my own space.

but then, i could live with my dad, if he was still alive (in fact, he did live together with my husband & i, but that was only because he needed full-time care)... maybe it's a compliment, you're so great she can't bear to leave

i'd hate to share a room with a 6 year old though. i'd be dropping major hints if i was in your shoes.

TheFeministsWife · 12/08/2011 21:38

I'm that at 22 she still wants to live at home when she has to share a room with a 6 year old! Does she ever stay at her boyfriend's? I take it he can't ever stay over with her little sister in the room! When I was 22 I was married with a DSD and TTC I wouldn't have lived at home if you'd paid me!

My DSD is almost 19, there's a good chance she'll still be living at home when she's 22. But she has her own room with Sky and her own telly in there and her own laptop. So when she is home (which isn't often, she's usually at her boyfriend's) she's hibernating in her room. My dds share a room atm, but their only 8 and 4 so by the time they are wanting their own space I'm sure DSD will be on the move.

TheFeministsWife · 12/08/2011 21:38

they're

brdgrl · 12/08/2011 23:27

i don't think this is wholly a step- issue. And frankly, I am surprised at how many people think this situation is OK. Things are hard out there - but for us "adults" as well as the "kids". (and surely at 22 it is time to start seeing SD as an adult...?) A parent -any parent - is not morally obliged to provide a home to the children into adulthood. In fact, there's a good argument to be made that as parents we are morally obliged to push them out of the nest! As far as the posters who have said that as a stepmum it is just something you have to accept - oh, utter nonsense.

IF a parent both parents in the home decide to provide a home to a 22-year-old, there can certainly be an expectation that the other ADULTS living in the home will contribute - financially, and by 'chipping in' to keep the house running in the way the homeowners/leaseholders would like it to be run.

And in this particular situation, there is not enough space. IF you have an extra room, IF you have extra money to support another person, and IF you really want the grown child at home (because they are a help around the house, for instance; or because the relationship works so well that it is an unsullied pleasure having them there 24/7; or in the extreme case where the grown child is incapable of living alone because of health or mental issues) - great. But in this situation, she's sharing a room with a small child - so clearly space is an issue.

I think it is time for a set of rules - 'here's how you're expected to contribute around the house; here's what your financial or other contributions will be; here's a timeline for you to make some other arrangements; and here's what we want to see you doing to find a job.'

Oh yes!! - 'and here are the times when I want quiet and privacy in my home, so no friends, and no interruptions.'

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