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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Ex on Facebook

17 replies

Libby10 · 06/08/2011 14:56

Bit of background. Relationships with DP's ex have never been good and we have generally managed this by keeping contact to a minimum, being fairly rigid with contact, all the usual tactics for dealing with tricky exes. Now she has joined FB and asked to be friends with DP. DP just ignored it but then one of the kids asked him about it. Alarm bells started ringing. Are we being paranoid? Has anyone else had to deal with this situation (and I don't mean people who do have good relationships with the ex).

OP posts:

kimeleon · 06/08/2011 16:41

Oooh, tricky one! Thank god my DP's ex is a technophobe so no danger of any Facebook worlds colliding (yet). Even though we share the same social circle our contact with each other is almost non-existent (her choice, not mine) but I have to admit that it's probably easiest that way.

If push comes to shove, your DP could accept the friend request but with limited privacy settings?

Original poster

Libby10 · 06/08/2011 16:54

Thanks Kimeleon - I had thought we were safe too for the same reasons. I'm not that confident in FB and privacy settings. We don't overlap much with DP's ex at all - they separated over 12 years ago - and this makes it feel that bit more intrusive. Plus getting the kids involved makes us wonder why she is so keen.

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decaffeinated · 06/08/2011 18:11

I experienced this. DH accepted Ex's friend request, but I wasn't chilled out enough to be okay with it, I'm afraid - she wasn't even friends with her now husband on Facebook, relations between them were fine in real life, and I didn't see what the purpose was. So he removed her as a friend. She never questioned it, and real life relations remain fine / polite / at times stressy between them.

decaffeinated · 06/08/2011 18:15

Oops, sorry Libby10, didn't read the last bit of your post!! I would say if things have been strained, and difficult, all the more reason not to befriend on FB - what would the point be? Not really friends in real life, why pretend to be on FB and have someone you don't really get along with knowing what you're doing, and things you share on it? Not sure how to deal with the kids asking though...

Original poster

Libby10 · 06/08/2011 19:07

Thanks decaffeinated - I have got to the stage with the ex where I never know whether my reactions to her are still on the normal scale. DP would be happy to just ignore her request. She can always contact him by email, text, or phone if needed. Not sure to be honest why she would would be be friends on FB - apart from the fact she has always been incredibly nosy about our lives. DP could tell the kids that he feels its a bit inappropriate but that would most likely kick something off. Feeling the need for a large glass of wine and a lie-down.

OP posts:

WinterLover · 07/08/2011 08:00

Hmmmmm DP's ex is on FB and we constantly get friend requests from 'New to facebook' people... however we do have her, her husband and all associated friends on our blocked list purely because we can do without the hassle of it all.

I would say ignore the request, as pp has said if your not friends in real life why would you be friends on FB.

WiiNetter · 07/08/2011 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 07/08/2011 09:39

This reply has been deleted

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BertieBotts · 07/08/2011 09:45

My ex has tried to add me on facebook. I just kept refusing. DS isn't old enough to ask about it, but if he was older I'd say no, Mummy and Daddy aren't part of each other's life any more, so we don't need to be facebook friends. I do think you need to emphasise that they are free to talk about him at any time though and that if they want to have both dad and mum on facebook then of course that is fine.

I can't remember if ex ever asked why I wouldn't accept his request but if he did I probably gave him the answer that I did when he asked if I wanted to go out for a drink. "No, I don't think it's appropriate. If there's anything you need to ask you can text or email me."

olibeansmummy · 07/08/2011 13:54

Don't do it! Fb causes enough problems as it is! Why would she want to be friends on fb if they aren't in rl? She may use it to check up on you, ie " why are you doing (whatever) without DCs" or "if you can afford (whatever) you can afford mote maintenance". I can't see having her as a fb friend could have a good outcome tbh. My ss is on fb but we didn't accept his friend request partly as we didn't think a 10 year old would be on fb, partly because it would be unfair for him to see pictures of us doing fun things without him ( I put a lot of pics on as my dad works abroad) and partly because if his mum has access to his fb ( which we hope she does as ss is now 11) she would use any information against us.

RandomMess · 07/08/2011 14:01

It's just bizarre tbh.

Until recently my ex and I were on very good terms (sadly declined around a year ago due to teenage dd fabrications....) and are still FB friends but I never say much on there, he isn't a prolific user either tbh.

However under your circumstances absolutely no way!!!!!

Original poster

Libby10 · 07/08/2011 18:16

Thanks everyone
BertieBotts - I think the line about not being part of each others lives any more strikes the right note.
I certainly have no problems with the kids being friends with us all and have braced myself for some crossover with her via them but being direct friends doesn't seem right at all. As I said - I never know whether I'm over-reacting at times and so it was good to get such consistent feedback.

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ParadeWave · 07/08/2011 21:30

My dp has his ex as a fb friend and it has caused no end of hassle between he and I, she would 'like' everything he put up, constantly comment on his status updates and use them as an opportunity to bring up the 'good old days', she even posted pictures (taken from his profile) of my children on her own profile page! they are still fb friends, but, she now has restricted access. If you can, just don't accept, if you can't, make sure access is restricted.

LittleWhiteHeart · 08/08/2011 11:25

Hiya

My DP's ex not only requested his friendship on facebook, but mine too! This is someone who doesn't even speak to me in the street, but because I'm a weak nice person I accepted as did my DP.

As of yet it hasn't caused any problems really, niether myself or DP are on FB that much, but I can imagine it will at somepoint - she's also 'friends' with most of his family and friends on there too. ODD? Yet another reason why I find FB so so strange! It should be called Stalkbook.

As for children asking why your DP has 'befriended' their mum, perhaps go for my fave line of: "Oh, sorry - I'm not on FB very much so haven't seen the request yet ... " It'll just buy you a bit of time to think of a proper excuse!

LWH x

LittleWhiteHeart · 08/08/2011 11:27

er ... that should read hasn't, not has!

PS - I admire the nerves of steal that those of you who have ignored requests are showing! Good work!

littlejosh · 08/08/2011 11:43

I was FB friends with DP ex's and his dsc, however I decided to unfriend them late last year, as I had concerns about privacy and the ease at which people can take your photos and possibly send them onto others (you hadnt intended...whole other story) Like other posters I use FB to put up photos of our dc for our family members as there eveywhere.

Having said that only one person asked why I had deleted them, explained I found FB intrusive...seemed to be ok...

fourkids · 27/08/2011 14:22

what BertieBotts said! "I'd say no, Mummy and Daddy aren't part of each other's life any more, so we don't need to be facebook friends."

IME some exP's have trouble understanding/accepting this themselves, and may pass that missunderstanding on to the DCs, which must be a little confusing for them. It is in the DCs best interests to understand that seperated parents are just that.

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