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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

smear campaign

9 replies

travispickles · 31/07/2011 09:29

I have 10 year old DSS and now a 6 month old DD. I have noticed for a while a frostiness towards me from DP's family and started wondering if they were hearing nasty things about me. Anyway, yesterday we were out and my DP was videoing, and when he suggested videoing DSS with DD, DSS suddenly went weird. He held the baby as if she were something on his shoe - pulled a face of disgust/ indifference. Normally he loves his sister but his dad and I had noticed this a bit before. In photos he looks really angry at her. I think the message he is getting (and maybe giving) at home is an anti-me and anti-DD thing. Which upsets me - mainly on behalf of her because I dobn't see how she should have to grow up with this weird stuff. Anyone else had this? WWYD? I have told DPP to delete the video so DD doesn't grow up wondering why her beloved DB seems to hate her.

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Original poster

travispickles · 31/07/2011 17:37

Anyone help? Feel really crap about it tbh.

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prettyfly1 · 31/07/2011 19:03

Travis is DSS an only child? If so please dont panic - it is fairly normal for some sibling rivalry to start up when a new baby comes along - particularly if that baby gets HIS dad all to herself and he has to live somewhere else. Have you or your dp had an opportunity to sit with dss and talk about how he feels re: the baby and allow him to express anger, or discomfort if he needs too. One of the things with both my DS and my DSS is that allowing them to say things I find difficult without going "you shouldnt say that" but instead exploring alternatives has made a really big difference in the sibling rivalry thing.

chelen · 31/07/2011 19:26

Hi, my SS has also had some phases of disliking my son/his half brother. Most of the time he absolutely loves him but occasionally he gets quite jealous - as he puts it its not fair because my son gets to be with both his parents all the time.

My SS occasionally seems to feel a bit wary of being too much part of the family, if he is upset about his parents he can try to stay a bit on the edge of family life, I think he feels it is a bit disloyal to his mum to be too cosy. This comes and goes though, with us it is special meals or food that causes trouble.

I think the only thing you can do is say 'you seem really angry about being filmed, I need you to tell me why' and see what he says. My SS has told us he hates each of us in turn over the last year!

Original poster

travispickles · 31/07/2011 20:24

Thanks people. I really have been struggling - not so much with this as the fact that his mother hates me and the baby so I think he is responding to that. But then she has been poisoning my DP's family against me and this puts DSS in a really difficult position as I think he is torn between his sister and dad, and then how he feels he should behave assording to everyone else. You know what, if I had known how horrible it is to be portrayed as the villain of the piece I would never have got involved. But I suppose then I wouldn't have my DD...

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Original poster

travispickles · 31/07/2011 20:25

*according

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royaljelly · 31/07/2011 22:20

This is probably just sibling rivalry. I hated my younger brother when he was born, (but love him now) and my DSD felt the same about her half - brother. Even saying she was going to stamp on his head one time he was in his activity arch. (She would now take a bullet for him 11 yrs later) It stings, and you will prob take it personally but don't worry, I am sure they will grow up close. Even full brothers and sisters don't welcome another 'interloper'.

lateatwork · 01/08/2011 13:40

DSS was 5 when DD was born- so the gap is smaller than yours.

I think with steps, there is an added dimension to sibling rivalry from the child's point of view PLUS they may also be getting bad vibes etc from other parts of the family- in my case DSS mum and my MIL.

DSS has done loads to DD- but to be fair now that DD is older, she is doing loads back. I dont think its unusual in a relationship between children.

What I dislike more is when DSS tries to act like an adult- telling DD what to do, telling her off in an 'adult way' not a child way. He is 7 now. No idea if this is 'normal' but even if it is, I dont like it!!

Oh and when it comes to 'poisoning' the atmosphere... yup that happens here too... in fact DP ex took it upon herself to inform MIL of my pregnancy (we had told DSS first...). Charming. But hey ho. Clearly I am the villain which used to get to me but now I just think about DD. When she gets older, the fact that her own grandma doesnt even acknowledge her is going to hurt, but she has my parents and a spattering of 'adopted' grandparents who I believe better fulfil the role anyway.

chelen · 01/08/2011 14:16

Lateatwork - I totally recognise the bossy adult mode of telling off - my SS does that too and it drives me crazy! The age gap here is close to six years, I think it is just a way of staying on top - but grrrr! 'No, we don't do that in our house' 'No, that's not sensible, do it this way' blah blah blah!!!!!

Its tough from age 6 onwards though, cos what was once cute no longer works. I can see my SS struggling to find the right way to behave sometimes - should I crawl around with the little kids or sit and chat with the adults and bigger kids? I think bossing the little kids around means he can keep a foot in both camps.

nenevomito · 01/08/2011 14:22

Hi Travis - if your DPs family are acting weird as well is there any way that he could talk to them away from you to find out what (if anything) the problem is?

It doesn't sound like sibling rivalry to me if DSS is OK with her when he's not being filmed or has a photo taken. I wonder if he is torn as he is trying to stay loyal to his mum and doesn't want any evidence to show that he's not.

The key here really is your DP though. A) to talk to DSS and find out what's upsetting him and B) to talk to his family and find out what the problem are.

Its very hard when all you want to do is enjoy your new family and you are getting grief, but your DP needs to support you to get it sorted out.

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