Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

Original poster

will it never f*****g end?

24 replies

WkdSM · 19/07/2011 16:08

Just a rant really.

SS has completely mucked up his 1st year at AS levels - not attending class, not doing the work, got 3 Us and an E in 1st set of exams - not turned up for at least 1 exam this summer, had 1 paper returned by examiners as wrote a complete load of crap on it.

Just spoken to college - he is going to do the year again doing different subjects!! So we now have to pay maintenance for another year.........

I don't mind paying if he is actually doing something but all he is doing (as usual) is just taking the complete piss.

He suposedly lives with his mum but stays at his girlfriends for 6 nights a week so she really has no idea whether he is attending college or doing the work.

So fed up - his brother is going to uni this September and we'd like to be able to give his a bit more support but can't afford to while paying for this complete waste of space.

I can't tell you how much we have been through with this person. We were hoping we only had 1 more year of this but no - will we ever be free of his shit?

My DH wants nothing to do with him now - he has just been so awful.

I know some of you will think we are being harsh but honestly no one can deal with him - not us, his mum, his stepdad, his brother - arghhhhhhhh................

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

3boys1cat · 19/07/2011 16:36

I have come across several boys who haven't done well enough in their ASs to carry on to A2. Only one of them managed to turn things around the second time they did Year 12. I think he learnt a lot from the first time, particularly which subjects he would be able to achieve well in. He has just finished his frst year at Uni and is v happy. However, the other boys I know of didn't achieve much much 2nd time around in spite of changing subjects. A levels are not the right road to take for everyone; maybe in your SS's case an apprenticeship or practical course (Plumbing, electrician or whatever) would be a much better use of his time. Another wasted year will do him no favours unless he is committed to it and know where he wants to go from there....

berkshirefem · 20/07/2011 11:01

Surely you can prove he's not staying at his mum's and stop paying the maintenance? I mean, I don't know that but it seems very odd to be paying maintenance for a child who has effectively left home

Petal02 · 20/07/2011 11:26

Berkshire - whilst I agree with you in theory, if the ex suspects she might be losing her maintenance payments because the son has practically moved out, I bet she'll have him back under her roof pretty damn quick!

berkshirefem · 20/07/2011 11:48

Ha petal - you are so right :)

But at least then he may stand a better chance of actually getting to school if his mum's there to help... you'd hope

ThePosieParker · 20/07/2011 11:49

If he lived with you you would have to pay....or if he was both yours and DH's son and not just DH's.

berkshirefem · 20/07/2011 12:05

Yes Posie, but if he is staying with his girlfriend then neither parent is paying for him. i can understand why wkd doesn't want money from her family pot being handed over to someone who the child isn't even living with!
Is there an option for him to live with you wkd?

ThePosieParker · 20/07/2011 12:11

She still has to house him, provide shelter, heating, council tax EVERYTHING. She can't downsize and reduce her living costs can she? Presumably she clothes him? Laundry etc?

berkshirefem · 20/07/2011 12:19

I guess I don't know the ins and outs posie. You may well be right. but in my experience the non resident parent will also have a bed for the child at their house too so the house size thing is a non-point usually.

I would agrue that having a 16 year old stay at your house for 1 night a week carrys minimal costs.

I may be wrong though as i made assumptions based on most situations i hear of.

berkshirefem · 20/07/2011 12:20

He should be clothing himself at 17. Does he have a job Wkd?

ThePosieParker · 20/07/2011 12:49

Really he's at school/college.

allnewtaketwo · 20/07/2011 12:53

"If he lived with you you would have to pay" - yes, but with the benefit of maintenance payments from the child's mother, child benefit and potentially also tax credits. And if he was only home 1 day a week, I'd say those amounts would cover the costs.

Original poster

WkdSM · 20/07/2011 12:56

We have spoken to CSA and child benefit office as tbh we would rather pay the girlfriends parents something but can't do both. As long as he is 'going home' once a week exw is entitled to all maintenance and benefits UNLESS the girlfriends parents put in a claim. We currently pay just under £800 a month (yes, that is correct)

He will never live with us again. We had him for 3 years and it was so bad I had to have a special number to quote if I called the police so they would respond as a priority. One of his worst habits was stealing my underwear and wanking in it.

It a huge back story but basically he just lies and lies and lies and steals and nothing we do can change how he acts - psychologist he saw was not sure if inherited behaviour or learnt behaviour but until he is ready to do something about it there is nothing anyone can do.

Basically, I am just furious that he has wasted a year - I would have no probs paying if he was actually getting some benefit out of the schooling - when he was talking to us (ie before he wanted £4k for car insurance which we refused to pay as he had not even taken a lesson but wanted a car) he said he wanted to leave school but his mum said she would throw him out if he did. His stepdad has said he wants him out the house on his 18th b'day. SS can't relate to other peoples feeling and reactions so just carries on doing what he wants because he does not think there will be any consequences. And if there are he will be able to talk / cry his way out of them.

Just wanted to rant in a safe place.

OP posts:

houseofheave · 20/07/2011 13:18

Before someone pootles in to suggest that poor old SS is just a traumatised wee child, I thought I'd say that he sounds like a bloody nightmare.

Meanwhile you're paying £800 a month for his support to somewhere he's not actually living and to do nothing with his life, and you're not able to help your other SS as much because of it.

The fact is that if he was your and DH's child then you could simply refuse to support him any more until he sorted himself out, and offer more support to the other child who needs it. Instead its all the other way around.

No wonder you're pissed off and frustrated. Vent away.

berkshirefem · 20/07/2011 13:18

"One of his worst habits was stealing my underwear and wanking in it." I like to think of myself as unshockable Wkd but frankly... wow.

berkshirefem · 20/07/2011 13:23

What house said!!!

LittleWhiteHeart · 20/07/2011 13:25

I'll second that point by Berkshirefem ... WTF.

Petal02 · 20/07/2011 13:28

I completely get the OP?s point, that she resents having to dig into the household coffers to (a) pay for a year that only needs paying for because SS has been messing around; and (b) pay just under £800 per month to the ex, when SS isn?t really living in the ex?s household.

Under those circumstances, I?d be tempted to drastically reduce the monthly payment (unless it?s deducted directly from his salary) ??.

As regards the underwear, words fail me ? although sadly it doesn?t have any bearing on ?who pays what to who.?

Original poster

WkdSM · 20/07/2011 13:30

One of my neighbours once said to me she thought he was like one of those people that are arrested for some awful crime and all the neighbours say 'but he was so nice - he seemed so normal'.
You would not believe what we have been through with him - we have tried to get him help through counselling (they said his issues were too deep rooted for them to deal with so we got him referred to youth mental health team) but all that stopped when he went back to live with his mum.
His elder brother is a really lovely young man. Even he has said if SS2 is thrown out of mums there is no way he would have SS to live with him.

According to SS we are now the worst parents ever and we never did anything for him. I can cope with that because it is not true. What I find difficult is that we now will have another year of dealing with the money and checking he is still in education etc. I know it sounds awful - but originally according to a court order payments were meant to stop at 17 (exw got all equity in house and agreed payments not be based on whether they were in education or not but on birthday) - but when he turned 17 exw went to CSA and they are insisting payments continue. We had not budgeted for that really.

I know it is awful - but I just want him out of our lives. he knows exactly what he is doing and is very manipulative and intelligent.

OP posts:

berkshirefem · 20/07/2011 13:48

And CSA agreeed £800 too? that's a lot of money. That puts your husband on a 64k take home after tax... is that right?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of these "and that makes you rich so stop complaining" people. As a family we earn over 80k and still object to paying DP's ex what we do.

berkshirefem · 20/07/2011 13:50

My Dp has always paid more than the CSa amount and followed the original court agreeement because as unfair as it is, he did agree to it. she has happy to go along with it as it is much more than CSA.

However, it does state that maintenance will stop when DSD reaches 16. I wouldn't be surprised if CSA suddenly became the authority she believes should override when this date comes.

Petal02 · 20/07/2011 13:51

It's a real pain when you've got a court order re payments, but then the ex decides to go to the CSA. When my step daughter finished A levels, my husband stopped paying maintenance at the end of the month (May)that she left school, as per the court order. But the ex went to the CSA who advised he should pay up to the end of the school year in question, ie August. DH pointed out the if she went through with it, then all 'extras' for SS would cease, so she let it drop - but I think it's really sneaky when people do this.

berkshirefem · 20/07/2011 13:52

Particularly when often, as in my case, if CSA had been contacted a long time ago, they would be getting less!

MJHASLEFTTHEBUILDING · 20/07/2011 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

WkdSM · 21/07/2011 09:48

Thanks for letting me rant ladies - I know it is unfair and I know that we have just got to suck it up - but I still needed a grrrrr moment.

I agree that another year at college will do SS no good at all. He hsa serious problems and until he is willing to admit that, there is nothing anyone can do for him.

TBF to his mum, I am not sure how anyone can control him. All of us have tried various things but he still has this fantasy world in which he convinces himself either he has not done anything wrong or it is completely someone elses fault. He has no boundaries no matter what you do or say to him.

Now we just wait and see if he attends college (they have said they will have no compunction in throwing him out if he does not attend classes this year) and if his StepDad makes him leave on his 18th b'day. Until then - I just feel it is good money after bad as it would be better for him to get a job and start to learn that everyone has to work and the rules apply to everyone - he is not being victamised.

Just found out he's split with his GF and so I presume he will be back at his mums more.

OP posts:

Flip