Having problems making this work...

[nicolamumof3]

I have ds1 who is 12 next month from my first marriage.

his father and i split when he was just 15m old.

when he was 5.5yr i met my now dh and all was good.

we have gone on to have two ds together who are 5 and 3.5, i am pregnant again expecting dd1 in July.

I am finding the relationship between ds1 and my dh intolerable. i find dh comes down on him too hard over too many 'small' issues i feel he treats him differently to the other boys and just constantly nags him. I feel worn out being in the middle too and feel i have to over compensate but always sticking up for ds1. I feel very uncomfortable when he tells him off over minor issues in front of my parents i.e too much tomato sauce on his dinner. or why has he left his trainer by the door and not under the stairs etc.

we have lived this situation for six years but just finding it more and more difficult atm. Does anyone have any advice?

2 things... the first sounds obvious!

1. There is a massive difference between 12 and 5 yo's so is it the age/ responsibility thing? I get annoyed with my SD who is 15 for things I accept from my 4 YO... its not becuase she isn't mine, its becuase she is old enough to know better.

1. However having said that - my friend had this with her DD1 and DH#2. She used to be in tears at work cos of these sort of things... she eventually recorded the household "playing" and played it back to the DH. He was mortified as he hadn't realised he was doing it. Not sure if it resolved overnight though.

Hope you can find some middle ground - good luck xx

I'm not sure I can help you but I can give you a point of view from a once SD my stepfather sounds similar only we had much worse repercussions for annoying him, which resulted in care, dont worry, things are obviously not that bad for yourselves but it does sound like there are some issues, things like using too much ketchup isnt really a serious issue? it depends how badly he is talking to him and whether he aggressive in his manner.

Your DS1 could end up resenting your DH alot if it carries on and isnt addressed, he may also feel isolated and bullied if he is just picking on him, what is the situation like with you ex partner? goes your son see him?

I think step fathers resent their step children (especially boys) far more when they are growing into adolescents, although you say it has always been the case. I think they see them as a threat to be honest, another man in the house kind of thing and this manifests itself in the nagging over nothing business. How is your 12 year old - is he doing well at school, does he have friends, how does he react to his stepfather. Do you and your son talk about what is happenning.

I have been through this but with only 2 other younger children. Like you I always jumped in and took the side of my son. Once he said to me "I wish you wouldn't do that because it makes things worse, you and xxxx start an argument then" but I couldn't help myself and I don't really regret it. However many years on (they are all grown up now with their own families)my DP told me that what got him most was not about xxx but the way I always jumped in to take his part, and that made him feel like an outsider. Not sure if that was a rationalisation or not.

Things got worse through the pre teen years but eventually evened out and now would you believe my DP thinks the absolute world of my/our son. Won't have a word against him. My son has grown into a very nice bloke and is a truly wonderful father, and has a good r/ship with my DP. However I suspect he lacks the confidence that he might have had if this hadn't happened and is a little insecure though this doesn't show itself (just a mother's instinct)

Incidentally I don't think it's anything to do with the age difference. I was a SM too but the kids didn't live with us but when they came at holiday times it was difficult and I never ever felt anything remotely like love for them I'm sorry to say but hope I didn't show it.

Do you and your P talk about this issue - if not I think you should and if so is he able to be honest about how he can't feel the same for a step son as his own childen. That might be a good starting point.

Nicola, I also have a DS aged 12 and also have a partner who I feel is harsh on him sometimes. He has a DS of similar age and a DD of the same age, so it's a lot easier for me to make a direct comparison without him having the excuse of differing ages.

I do think we all feel differently for our own children than we do for our step children. I acknowledge that and have told DP that and that I expect him to feel the same. I have told him that although he will feel differently, he mustn't treat them differently. I think, he honestly believes he does treat them the same, but in reality I notice a lot of little things that he picks up on with DS but not with DSS. There is also never any positive acknowledgement for DS and I wonder sometimes if he "shows up" DSC and by having DP admit that DS does do some things more co-operatively, for example, that he would have to examine his own parenting of his own children more thoroughly.

It sounds as though your DP is using age as the excuse, when its really about his lack of tolerance. Have you spoken to him about it and explained that it's OK to not feel the same about DS as the younger ones?

I also think that pre-teen/teen boys can have problems with the "alpha" male in the house anyway, whether they are their biological father or not. So some of it might not even be to do with step parenting.

It's good to hear that others are in the same boat. DP has been around my DS1 since he was five months old, but has only really been a step parent for the past six years (DS1 is now almost 11). We have an amost 4 year old DS2 as well. Things have never been perfect - I find it hard as DS1 reminds us both of my ex-DP in terms of some mannerisms and attitudes, and as he was violent towards the end, that is hard for both of us to deal with. Not that DS1 is violent by any means, but the facial patterns are uncanny considering he only sees him twice a year.
DP has just started a new job - huge promotion and a whole new field for him to deal with professionally. Most of his stress is coming out at home and whilst I have been able to lay down the law interms of the way DP is handling me, I have not been as effective when he deals with DS(1) - I get the whole "you sided with him not me" from DP after every explosion (and too much ketchup is nothing on some of the things poor DS1 gets wrong in our house). Of course, DS(2) remains the perfect toddler, even though actually he closely resembles Satan and causes a lot of the extra tension through his sometimes difficult behaviour.
DP is not very intelligent emotionally. Very academic, and with me very loving (although it's taken me years to train him to be affectionate) but DS(1) gets nothing in terms of hugs and kisses from him and I can see him craving it, even though he is pre-teen.
It breaks my heart and I don't want DS1 growing up as a distant father himslef because of poor role models. He needs to be loved, and I know he is, but DP just doesn't show it. I've tried to talk to DP about it but he lays the blame back on DS1, showing no acnowledgement that DS1 is the child and he is the adult in all of this.
Torn in two and not sure where to go with this....