He laughs at me with her via text message

[Lorna80]

hi all apologies for the namechange but i dont want this one to follow me. it started on wednesday when dh and i were in the car, he drove to this office he needed to go in and i said id wait in the car. he uses his phone as an mp3 player and had it on at the time so i asked if he'd leave it so i could listen to the music. he said no. i asked why and he couldnt give me a straight answer, just said "because i said not" and then he made up some stupid excuse that hes waiting for a call. this made me think he NEVER leaves his phone unattended where i am. i leave mine all over the place, he doesnt. he even takes his into the bathroom with him. so next opportunity i got i snuck a peak and found a load of text messages between him and dsd more or less laughing at me and taking the piss. on one day id gone out and she text her dad asking where id gone. he text back saying id gone to my mums and she replied "yes!!! thank god shes out haha xxx" and he text back "yay! lol x". another one she text him asking what time she had to be in bed, in text back "whenever, just be quiet so she doesnt notice" and she replied "lol! okies xx"
another one - he text saying "lorna cant come with us on sunday" she replied saying "oh what a shame...........jk!!! cant wait even more now! haha x" he replied "i know! haha x"
she has been a complete pita to me lately, he sticks up for her at every turn and now i know why. hed never admit all this but now i know why hes protective with his phone. has anyone else ever had to deal with anything like thus? is this one too far gone to repair?

sorry dsd is 14 and lives with us

That's just really odd and unpleasant. Do I get this right, your husband is taking the piss out of you with his daughter? How old is he?

I don't even know what to say...

That is absolutely outragious. How hurtful.

Why on earth is he betraying you like this? Are you happy in the marriage together? I would be so so upset if I saw this.

What a horrible man. I'm sorry you're with him.

i thought something funny was going on because whenever she text him he turn the phone away from me so i couldnt see and if im upstairs she will come downstars and i hear them whispering and as soon as i come back downstairs she immediately goes back to her room. weve been married 4 years and tbh its always been a bit rocky but most of the arguments center around his dsd he will never admit she puts a foot wrong. hes 36 so really should know better.

Do you have children together?
How donyou feel about your relationship with your SD? Can you find ways of improving it?
I think it is time to have a quiet chat with you dh about the relationship with sd. Ask him ways to help you and her...tell him you woukd like to have fun with her etc etc...
And same for her...take her shopping cinema..get involved

Oh Lorna it really must be awful, this is your own family andf home you're being made to feel so bad in. You do know it's not on right? I would be fixing up a chat with DH to ask him to explain why he feels the need for the divided loyalties. Did you get together before or after he'd split with his ex - not a judgy question but it might help to explain some guilt or something. I'm desparately hoping for you that he's being an emotionally stunted knob rather than a cruel and childish knob.

we got together 3 years after he divorced and she has very little contact with her mother in fact i dont think she ever did have much involvement with her. hes actually makinh me resent her and it all feels like one big competition and im getting so sick and tired of it tbh. we agree on one thing and he tells her privately that she can do something else. he even lies for her tells me she hasnt done something when he knows she has and even 'clears the evidence' etc. she also texts him when hes at work to complain about me saying ive done this or that and then he comes home and has a go at me, i feel like ive been "grassed on" by a sibling and im being told off by my dad. its all so ridiculous and silly. when i speak to rl friends about sme of the stuff that goes on they think its hilarious and accuse me of making it up, thats how stupid it all is

I have this to an extent with H and ds2 They have their private jokes about me..

Its shit.

Oh my goodness that's just appalling behaviour. Truly, truly appalling. I hate to throw in the A word, but I would class what your DH is going as emotional abuse.

You need to talk to him about this and I would strongly suggest doing it outside of the family home so it can't descend so easily into an argument. Give clear examples of his behaviour where he has hurt or upset you.

What happens when he comes home and 'tells you off' do you argue back or have you given up?

You know that what is happening isn't good for you or your self-esteem. Do you have any ideas about what you want to do next or do you just need somewhere to vent?

i do argue back but then i end up getting upset because all we ever do is argue about her and she loves it you can see it on her face. he will come home from work and have a go at me and it will erupt into a row and she will come in and put her arms around him and im pushed out again. i dont even know if i can be bothered to fix it anymore i feel like its a onesided battle or uphill struggle and im constantly fighting something i shouldnt even have to be facing. if this is what marriage is its no wonder 40% of them end in divorce.

..also, you say you feel like you're being told off by a parent might be worth having a look at some transactional analysis stuff (about how you react to the way people speak to you) not to say it's your fault but you can take some more control over the way he deals with the situaiton if you see what I mean. If he is behaving like the 'adult' who is the only one with the right to an opinion, it's very easy to just adopt a role. In order to sort it our assertively rather than with an argument you need to respond as if you feel like an adult too - does that make sense?

He does sound like an arse though, sorry :(

Lorna that's horrible, I really don't know what to suggest. I agree with the others that you should talk to him. Do you want to sort it out? Or are you preparing to leave?

Do you have children with him? If not, I'd leave. Bugger this, why would you live with people who don't like you?

OMG you poor thing. Does DH have an excuse for this behaviour?

What an absolute jerk.

Lorna, that's awful .... even before I got to your later post about the roles you feel have been imposed upon you, that was what I was thinking too. Those messages smack of silly, thoughtless drivel between two naiive teenagers slagging one of their mates off .... NOT between a parent and child, and yes, of course, it is utterly wrong that she is allowed to undermine you, running off telling tales to dad who then tells you off as if you are another child .... and for him to be "complicit" in her misbehaviour by lying and covering up is, yet again, undermining your position in the household (which should be as an equal adult to him and as a respected adult to her if nothing else). Quite obviously your DH should be ensuring that basic respect and manners is maintained and clearly he's doing the opposite. No-one says the girl has to like you - but she should be polite. However, whilst her dad condones her attitude she's being handed a position of power as number 1 woman in the house, which must make you feel absolutely rotten.

The more I think about this the angrier I feel on your behalf. What the hell does he think he's doing ? .... this goes far beyond good natured joshing about in front of you (which I'd expect to apply all ways round) and is actually quite nasty.

Hmmm .... what to do. Only you know how he's going to react but I suspect that if he's already so heavily blinkered you aren't going to get far and any objections will be seen as criticism of his precious daughter .... despite the fact the criticism would be valid ! She's not being kind, or respectful ..... but he should know better and nip anything of that sort in the bud by making it clear he won't tolerate petty nastiness. But obviously he's not and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to endure yet another row where she smirks and he gets ridiculously defensive. Personally .... quite apart from blowing my stack I'd be giving an ultimatum to him because I wouldn't want to put up with this kind of crap any longer ... and that would be that I'm gone unless he shapes up immediately, stops lying, stops being a hypocrite (e.g. agreeing house rules he has no intention of enforcing), stops undermining you (directly or indirectly - which is what colluding in these messages is) .... (and somehow I doubt he'd agree to do that).... or, as a last ditch attempt, he agrees to attend counselling with you so you can express your feelings in a neutral environment without his daughter listening/watching and where a 3rd party can ensure (or at least try to ensure) you are heard. Equally importantly, the process might just make him think about how irresponsible he's being.

Oh Lorna that's awful he's showing such an shocking lack of respect for you and a complete disregard for your feelings and is teaching his DD that this is acceptable. I'm so for you.

I agree that you need to talk to him when DSD is out.

Everybody's dealbreakers are different but I know that I could not live with this situation continuing. You deserve to feel comfortable, respected and loved in your own home.

catsmother sums it up perfectly

well said catmother.

Lorna - this I keep coming back because it just doesn't sit right with me especially to hear that your r/l friends aren't taking it seriously.

I sort of figure DP and I have a farily standard sort of relationship, ie it's pretty good but sometimes he drives me bonkers (I however amd perfect and never set a foot wrong :) ) Anyway, he moved in with me and littlemad and we were a very tight unit, but I would never dream of putting DP in a position where he felt his position was undermined with littlemad - how can I expect us to be a family unit if we're not united? Sometimes he handles things differently to me, and I have to bite my tongue, DP is a grown up and he's learning to be a Dad, end of story. I might talk to him afterwards but there is no point in whittling away his confidence as he's building it up.

I don't know what to say, do you know what you want to happen?

Actually, it just also occured to me that if he's so glued to his phone all the time - as in, not wanting you to see it .... that he KNOWS bloody well what he's doing is wrong (if he genuinely thought it was harmless joking there'd be no reason for him to conceal it) ..... and STILL carries on nonetheless.

Lorna, this must have been an awful shock - I really feel for you. Thing is, what do you want to happen now? If this is 'the final straw' then I think you would be justified in calling it a day, however if this is one of very few problems in your marriage, then maybe you should be trying to make him see sense.

I would play it in a way that will probably have the rest of the posters up in arms - My DH is very concerned about 'how others see us' so I know that is how I would get through to him. Others may well disagree - only you can say how you think your DH would react.

I'd tell him that I has seen the texts BUT "because a few people have commented on your relationship with DSD".

Now that I have read the texts "I am concerned that you and she are acting as if you are in a relationship - not father and daughter"
"It seems pretty creepy to me to be ganging up on another adult with a child"
"Do you think that the lines have blurred a bit between you and her - that's how it may seem to outsiders"
"Whispering and sending secret texts are what happens during affairs - have you got something to tell me?"

Do you see where I am going with this?

You aren't accusing him of anything, but you may make him look closer at his behaviour.

HTH

Firstly, of course he knows what he's doing is wrong. The question is why...

I imagine that he senses that his DD is vulnerable, and wants to keep her firmly on her side, so has used the old "divide and conquer" technique. That is so hurtful to you, and so harmful to both your relationship with DSD and him, that I think you need to consider his reasoning further. Firstly, he needs to know that you know, then base your decisions on his reaction. If he is genuinely upset and surprised that you know, and shows remorse and a will to change things, then it might be worth working with him. However, if he gets defensive and isn't remorseful, I would personally be gone.

So sorry, this is bullying and it s horrible, especially in your own home. :( Take care. :)

Good post LtEve

If he's already thinking what he's doing is wrong then that might be a way of shocking him to realise he needs to stop it.

Speaking from a perspective of a Mum who 'split up the family' by leaving my exh I know I felt incredibly guilty for littlemad and sort of tried to be supermum to make up for the fact I'd left his father - I'm trying to hope that this is what your DH is doing rather than anything else.