Drop-out, Unemployed, Lazy Step-Son. Help!

[Susiewho]

OK, I have a tendency to lose perspective on things, but I'm so annoyed with DSS.

He's 16 (young in his school year) and was in the first year of a good college course. He decided he didn't like it and thought he'd quit. His dad talked to the lecturers who were VERY accommodating. DSS said he'd make another go of it and seemed to be doing well. We bought him an expensive games console as a way of saying "Well done" (I know, I know - foolish )

Last Friday he went into college and told the lecturers that he's not going back. No discussion with us or his mum.

So, after a good few heated lectures from this end, we said we'd help him find a job. DP took him to a local apprentice and jobs fair today, but lazy DSS sulked the whole way through and said he wasn't interested.

He's done sod all about finding work or even signing-on for Job Seekers Allowance. What should I do? If he was my son, he would be in a job by now, if there are any jobs going, even if it's cleaning toilets (by the way, I had a part-time job cleaning hotel rooms at his age, so I've done my scrubbing the bogs stint !)

I think DP's in denial, but I can't stand having to live and support someone who's basically work-shy and lazy.

Anyone have any experiences or advice, please???

Thank you! :)

I dont think they can get job seekers at his age. Is he depressed? Why didnt he like his course? What does he want to do?

Its quite simple. No more pocket money, no treats, no expensive clothes, games etc and a long list of chores with withdrawal of priveleges if they dont get done.

Thanks prettyfly1.

No, i don't think he's depressed. He's just lazy. Genuinely. I can talk to him fairly well and he just can't be bothered putting any effort in at all. It's as though he sees himself as still a child and should therefore be provided for.

The problem is DP - he won't/can't discipline him properly, because DSS goes back to his (let's say, 'relaxed') mum and doesn't see us or our DD for weeks and weeks, which really upsets DD.

He never lifts a finger to help us.

He once ran up a £530 phone bill for us (which we can't afford). He promised to work it off, so half-heartedly hoovered the living room once.

I wish he was mine, and then he'd know what a rocket up the bottom feels like!

Sorry, I'm rambling now. Thank you for your advice, prettyfly1. It makes a lot of sense.

Hey Susie- My oldest DBD is 10 so I don't have experience yet but it seems like he's taking the piss advantage a little here.

I had a similar issue with DS a couple of years ago. Due to his age your SS won't qualify for JSA as the state regard a young person of this age as being supported by their parents.

All the things you are saying sound very familiar! All I can say is we had a few false starts with work after DS refused to go back to college, a few short periods of unemployment and we DID financially support him with a weekly allowance to allow him to travel to interviews and bits and pieces until eventually he settled in a landscaping job which he loves and is now doing an NVQ in Landscaping. He has held this job down for 6 months now and although he has 7.30am starts every morning we have never had to wake him up and he has never failed to turn up for work (except a nasty bout of Bronchitis at Christmas.) After all the stress of us and the college trying to support him to stay in college he ended up in a totally different place but back to studying!

Your DSS, is still young and yes we need to teach them things don't just get given to them but we also have to be aware that times are tough out there especially with no qualifications but a job will eventually come his way with a bit of effort and support. For DS I ensured I bought the papers every week, helped him trawl jobsites, helped him create a CV and showed him how to write a covering letters. We nagged him for ages and realised nagging was turning him away from us so we changed our strategy and started helping him in subtle ways hence the cv and letters. One thing we did do to monitor the situation was review his job searching every 2 or 3 weeks and if we didn't think he was actively looking then his allowance would stop. That happened twice if I recall.

Sixteen is a funny age for lads I think. Not quite a legal adult but not a child anymore and with all these options to look at and adults pushing and advising it can get to the point where they switch off.

Each to their own.

Hi all,

Thanks for your replies. Yes, we need to toughen-up now, and show him a taste of the real world - poor DSS! Of course, we'll always support him, but he needs to be realistic.

I don't understand what you mean BluddyMoFo. Do you mean that because he isn't my son I shouldn't comment?

Just for info, I've been DSS's step-mum for years and years, taking sole responsibility for him at timese when he's dad's been away with work, so I am partly to blame for this situation. DP (DSS's dad) and I have one DD too.

Hi suziewho, can I point you to my thread 'your not helping him' Very similar situ although we were three years down the line.

dss dropped out of college and wont work as he wants a career but does not want to study

Like you, if it were one of mine theyd have a job by now. However this is the difficlut step thing as it was not my son and he would not listen to me.

He has moved to his mums and acted like a brat as the whole house was in turmoil and frustartion at his laziness.

My advice is to get dp onside straight away and all sit down and set groundrules and deadlines. Believe me if you dont and leave it to dp (which i did and was not involved at all) It will turn into a nightmare.

I would try things like; sitting on your bum is not an option. Take consoles, internet, phone away and state they are privealages that he may have when he has a job. Get him out of bed and job searching when you go to work/are up.

Good luck