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Step-parenting

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Original poster

married or not ?

19 replies

tokenwoman · 15/02/2011 16:44

just out of interest how many of you are on 2nd/3rd or more marriages and how did you pursude your other half to wed you?

Im asking as mine is adament he wont/never marry me as he so kindly put it a couple of years ago shattering all my dreams of an offical life with him. It does make me sad that he wont commit and for years he told me it was too soon, not ready and all that crap and waited until i was in too deep before being truthful, granted he had a dreadful marriage and you can't force someone to do something they are so set against, and I would want him to be willing . Ive promised to sign a prenup so his finances are 'secure' but to no avail he isnt going to budge.

for those of you not wed to your DP how do you feel about 'living in sin'

OP posts:

slimbo · 15/02/2011 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ninah · 15/02/2011 17:03

living in sin? what century IS this?

Original poster

tokenwoman · 15/02/2011 17:05

slimbo

OP posts:

slimbo · 15/02/2011 17:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PegsonaNewNose · 15/02/2011 17:13

It's my 2nd marriage- My first was childless- I was 21, in Uni and he was my American Boy.[naughty]. I had DD with my Ex following that.

DH's 3rd ( he says: The 2nd cup of coffee is never as good as the 1st, but boy the 3rd really hits the spot )

His first marriage was childless both too young too much. He then married DBDs mum.

There was no hesitation from either of us that we wanted to get married- even tough we both had very tough splits before we met.

Original poster

tokenwoman · 15/02/2011 17:25

ninah, im old ok, dont get out much, whats it called these days?

OP posts:

SecondMrsS · 15/02/2011 17:37

Prenups aren't legally binding in this country.
Also, if you are married and in an owned house, you will always be entitled to half of it if you split. Maybe his last marriage has scared him too much.
Are you financially independant? If not maybe he feels he would be lumbered with you (god, sorry, couldnt think of a better phrase!)

Maybe he just loves your relationship the way it is and doesnt want to change things in case it jinxes things..?

Original poster

tokenwoman · 15/02/2011 17:55

prenup soon will be legally binding if they change the law the way they are planning and ive told hinted to him he is fast running out of excuses, yes his last marriage (or at least the divorce settlement) scared him shitless

I dont even live in sin cohabit with him we maintain seperate houses (mine rented as this was only supposed to be temporary arrangement, Im 7 years into this relationship)yes he loves it the way it is, who wouldnt i cook, clean. garden, shop wash iron etc for 2 houses.

yes im independent, well I work FT and pay all my own bills (no finance from ExH) and raise my boys Im not looking for us to all live togther until we are both child free

Im not horrid, everyone else (in my circle) doesnt seem to have found it difficult to marry their new loves so I wonder if its just me

OP posts:

SecondMrsS · 15/02/2011 19:21

Bless you tokenwoman, Sounds like you don't need to marry this one but find a new one! He's too scared to share his money with you or commit on paper but wants you in every other way

Of course you are probably very happy day to day with him but that is my opinion on this area of your relationship based on what youve said.

cobbledtogether · 15/02/2011 19:44

tokenwoman, hate to say it but my ex said he never wanted to marry again after his previous marriage. Turned out that it wasn't that he didn't want to get married, he just didn't want to marry me and he's now married to the person who he met straight after me.

tallpoppies · 15/02/2011 20:13

tokenwoman

"Im 7 years into this relationship)yes he loves it the way it is, who wouldnt i cook, clean. garden, shop wash iron etc for 2 houses."

STOP DOING THIS!!!!!!!!!!! He might see sense!

redfairy · 15/02/2011 21:15

I spent ten years waiting for my partner to commit to me. Like Cobbled I found it was me he didnt want, not marriage.He too moved on to make a committment to his next partner.
Internet dating turned up trumps for me and after being totally honest and telling my date that marriage was important to me I now find myself married to a wonderful man who is not shy of committment and has embraced me and my children completely.

Original poster

tokenwoman · 16/02/2011 08:16

you all mostly confirmed what I think despite me pushing these thoughts to the back of my mind, yes day to day Im reasonably happy its only when i look at life under the microscope I feel that mine is dysfunctional

OP posts:

magicjamas · 16/02/2011 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cobbledtogether · 16/02/2011 09:11

Lol @ mj. My dh said the same. We're now married with 2 kids as I said children were non negotiable. He
decided he'd rather be with me and have more children than not. Phew.

theredhen · 16/02/2011 13:50

Well if it's any consolation, DP proposed to me and is dying to marry me and I'm the one that's not that bothered.

I want us to feel really solid before I make that commitment and I feel we are not that right now.

To be fair, I have more to lose financially right now, but given time, I suspect he will be more asset rich than I am.

Original poster

tokenwoman · 16/02/2011 17:50

too old to have any more even if Id wanted them, decided early on in our relationship for him to be neutered have the snip which he willingly did so no reason for him to marry me really, except that old fashioned sense of love, committment and wanting to try and spend and share the rest of our lives together.

OP posts:

SparkleSoiree · 17/02/2011 00:43

I'm on my 2nd marriage - lasting significantly longer than my 1st!

I didn't have to persuade DH to marry me - strangely enough! At a point where I thought he was growing distant he was actually contemplating marriage unbeknown to me. He took me out for dinner one night and I thought he was going to give me the whole 'I think we should have a break speech' and he proposed!

Turns out he was just nervous about asking me as I was such a FABULOUS catch that he would be shattered if I said no.

Had our 5th child between us since then and despite being in the depths of a custody fight with his EXW I know he is the one for me.

tahlulla1986 · 17/02/2011 02:17

I'm getting married in July to my dp. I met him just over a year ago. He said at that start of the relationship that he would never marry again and didn't want anymore children. Being 24, never married and childless this was a problem for me but I knew he was the right man so I stuck with him. 8 months of him saying this he took me on a surprise trip to Paris and proposed. He's also looking at bigger cars for our baby we plan to have when we're married.

So I would say there is hope. But after 7 years of being together I would be very worried that your dp means it. If marriage is that important to you maybe its time to admit you both want different things and move on. Or you could just accept your relationship the way it is and be happy to have a dp, family, house etc. It could be worse.

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