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Original poster

Holidays, AIBU.... (sorry long)

55 replies

emskaboo · 05/02/2011 17:27

We are planning summer already, trying to get early booking deals.

We spilt the holidays 50/50 and normally do no more than a week block at a time. I'd hoped this year as I'm on maternity leave to have a two week holiday in a house in France, lots of reasons but one of the biggies is that the longer DBD is with us the more settled and normal things are, the less clingy with her dad she is, allowing DS to spend time with DH too.

However DBD's mum has said no to a two week stay with us and wants the normal pattern of no more than a week to be maintained. DH is saying now let's have two single weeks away plus additional days at home with DBD.

Given all of this AIBU to say I'd like one week away all of us and one week away without DBD? We would have DBD for the same amount of time, so she wouldn't miss out on time with DH and her mum and her DH will be taking her away too so will have another holiday.

As I'm typing this I think I prob am BU but two weeks away will just be two weeks of me doing most of the parenting for DS and DD whilst DH does stuff with DBD as she won't have time to get over the cling and DS will play up to try and get DHs attention; arghhhhhh!

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Petal02 · 05/02/2011 17:52

You are not being unreasonable. You'd like one week away with DBD, and one week without. Nothing wrong with that. Obviously it's important that DBD gets to spend time with her father, but it's equally important that DS and DD get quality time with their father too. The children from your husband's second marriage are just as important as the children from his first, and your DS and DD shouldn't have their lives dictated by DBD or her mother.

So DBD's mother wants to maintain the normal pattern? I'm always wary of any party who insists life sticks rigidly to 'a pattern.' I understand the need to be organised obviously, but to say you can't do something simply because you haven't done it in previous years seems a bit silly. As it's only February, surely you're giving sufficient notice, to allow you to vary the routine slightly over the summer?

SecondMrsS · 05/02/2011 18:09

What are her reasons for saying no? How does DBD feel about it?
What does your DH think? Why is he letting the child's mother dictate?

Original poster
emskaboo · 05/02/2011 19:32

DBD would love a two week holiday but her mum has nixed it.

DH never (or very rarely) pushes things with DBD's mum, this is an ongoing issue and stems largely from DH being very conflict adverse. In this instance DH just doesn't see that any fall out from pushing this, and there would be some, is worth it.

This is also, as you can imagine, a source of ongoing conflict between us, this is worse since we had DC. I have told him, very loudly clearly that I will not allow this to negatively affect our children and we have reached a compromise in some things, e.g. My family live 200 miles away but DBD's mum will not allow us to take her away over Christmas. As staying at home to see DBD would deny all our DC the chance to ever spend Christmas with their cousins (our house is waaay to small to have them all down) we've agreed that we will every two to three years go away inviting DBD and letting her know why she can't come with us if her mum refuses. This took quite some negotiating!

OP posts:
mjloveswineoclock · 05/02/2011 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
emskaboo · 06/02/2011 08:31

That's exactly our situation mj, and it drives me spare! I'm pleased the consensus seems to be that IANBU, now wish me luck as I discuss it with DH!

OP posts:
WildistheWind · 06/02/2011 17:01

EMS- YANBU at all

I have only - after 6 years- for the first time, planned something with only DD. ( and I feel sooooo guilty for it)

DBDs mum has shamelessly taken holidays with
her new partner ( more and 2 weeks) , then with hers and new partners DCs- leaving DBDs with us each time without fail.

However, we the damned 2nd family , always felt like we couldn't not take the girls with us as that would mean we would not care for them Hmm

We've now decided to book when we please. If it's all of us, perfect- if not, then so be it.

Just book what you fancy- like MJ said, as you know what, you'll never please everyone anyways Wink

pleasechange · 06/02/2011 19:49

YANBU - we have previously asked DSSs mother about them coming on hols with us. She has placed ridiculous restrictions on location and has refused to commit in advance, when we both really need to book hols early with work. This means that unfortunately for DSSs, it simply does not work for us to bring them on holiday with them, totally due to the inflexibility of their mother.

SecondMrsS · 06/02/2011 20:15

Well then if the child is happy to go your DH needs to say - I'm booking it, get over it.

But we could all say YADBU 100, until your DH grows a pair (for want of a better phrase) you may as well come to terms with the fact that it wont be happening.

SecondMrsS · 06/02/2011 20:15

100 times, but

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 06/02/2011 20:27

Ummm....shouldn't that be YADNBU SecondMrsS WinkGrin

OP YANBU

From the pov of RP I'd have loved it if my ex had took his dc on holiday, he never did (although tbf they didn't go on many holidays). Your DH's ex is being ridiculously inflexible and the one who is suffering the most is your DBD, maybe your DH could try and point this out.

I agree with SecondMrsS though, until your DH 'grows a pair' then nothing is going to change.

pleasechange · 06/02/2011 20:46

"Well then if the child is happy to go your DH needs to say - I'm booking it, get over it" - the problem is though that in our case, if DH were to say this, the ex would simply refuse to let them go, and we would have lost £hundreds of pounds in the process. Sometimes it's just the case that the pwc can hold an extrordinate amount of power

CarGirl · 06/02/2011 22:11

I would ask DBD if she'd like to do 2 weeks in one stretch.

If she seems keen (she may not) then tell her you will ask her Mum about allowing her to come. Perhaps pester power will work where your dh fails?

Petal02 · 06/02/2011 22:16

We took DSS abroad for a week last year - it was all booked and agreed with the ex 8 months prior to departure, and it very nearly ended up in mess, as the ex conveniently forgot to get DSS vaccinated as promised. It all got sorted in the end, but the only person who would have suffered would have been DSS (and DH who would have wasted hundreds of pounds on DSS's flight/hotel).

I agree that many fathers need to grow a pair, however regardless of this, the ex wife generally holds all the cards.

Rhadegunde · 06/02/2011 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redfairy · 06/02/2011 22:27

I can only say what I do with my family and that is try to propose dates we feel may be acceptable. If DH's ex agrees to DSD coming she comes, and if not she misses out.
(Past efforts to please everybody i.e. co-ordinate annual leave with employers and considering previous ex partners holiday arrangements have left us tying ourselves in knots)
It generally works out that DSD comes on around 50 percent of our holidays (and has a fab time) We no longer waste time feeling guilty.

Original poster
emskaboo · 06/02/2011 22:46

Thanks all for the feedback. I totally accept DH needs to man up, but as some of you have said it isn't going to happen so I've accepted the two weeks just won't happen. We did discuss it with DBD and she def wanted to do two weeks but her mum won't shift and pester power won't happen as DBD won't want to 'upset' her mum.

Given this I'm just trying to work out whether I can legitimately say whilst I'm happy for us all to go on a weeks holiday together I would like a week without her for the reasons outlined in my OP? I feel uncomfortable as I don't want to exclude DBD but I'd also like a holiday I can enjoy and one where I get to co-parent!

It wouldn't reduce DBD's time with DH, he works for himself and summer is slow so he'd take off enough time to see her for half her holidays.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 06/02/2011 22:59

What are the ages of all the dc?

Is it truthfull to say that one kind of holiday suits all the dc more than a slightly diff kind of holiday that would suit the joint dc?

Original poster
emskaboo · 06/02/2011 23:11

DC are 10, 3 and under a year. Pretty awkward really...

OP posts:
makemineapinot · 06/02/2011 23:12

could you book the holiday for 2 weeks and say to BM that the holiday is booked and DBD is more than welcome for the 2 weeks, if she cannot stay for the 2 weeks, then you are happy to take her to the nearest airport and she can fly home as an unaccompanied minor and Bm can collect her from the airport in the UK? Then she can see first hand that she is inconveniencing her daughter - or if she can't see that, DBD gets her week, BM is 'happy' and you still get 2 weeks holiday. I always used to think that sending a child as an unacompanied minor wasn't very fair/nice but we met a wee girl flying from Birminghma to Glasgow anbd my DC were so jealous as he got to wear a lanyard and had a voucher to get what she wanted from the trolley Hmm. I'm on the other side of the fence tbh I am the unreasonable BM Smile but waiting for XH to actually confrm he wants ti see the DC on Fri for half terma nd to make some travel arrangements. he won't Sad. Hate it when the DC miss out.

WildistheWind · 07/02/2011 10:25

I like makemine's idea.

Original poster
emskaboo · 07/02/2011 19:58

Me too, will broach with DH tonight!

OP posts:
WildistheWind · 07/02/2011 20:51

Let us know how it goes-Smile

It seems a shame to let her miss out juste because of the bloody rota

theredhen · 08/02/2011 12:28

this is so frustrating for you. We get something similar. I'd be jumping over the moon if my ex wanted to take my DS on holiday and I didn't have to take the responsibility. I just don't understand why some people want to hinder their children's fun. Hmm

Original poster
emskaboo · 08/02/2011 17:02

Well DBD's mum has said no way to the unaccompanied minor plan, as she'd have to collect from the airport this end. Her suggestion is DH brings her back then flies back to us!! Arghhhhhh!

OP posts:
WildistheWind · 08/02/2011 18:22

Well- You tried.

Flying back in and out is silly.