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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holidays, AIBU.... (sorry long)

55 replies

emskaboo · 05/02/2011 17:27

We are planning summer already, trying to get early booking deals.

We spilt the holidays 50/50 and normally do no more than a week block at a time. I'd hoped this year as I'm on maternity leave to have a two week holiday in a house in France, lots of reasons but one of the biggies is that the longer DBD is with us the more settled and normal things are, the less clingy with her dad she is, allowing DS to spend time with DH too.

However DBD's mum has said no to a two week stay with us and wants the normal pattern of no more than a week to be maintained. DH is saying now let's have two single weeks away plus additional days at home with DBD.

Given all of this AIBU to say I'd like one week away all of us and one week away without DBD? We would have DBD for the same amount of time, so she wouldn't miss out on time with DH and her mum and her DH will be taking her away too so will have another holiday.

As I'm typing this I think I prob am BU but two weeks away will just be two weeks of me doing most of the parenting for DS and DD whilst DH does stuff with DBD as she won't have time to get over the cling and DS will play up to try and get DHs attention; arghhhhhh!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

CarGirl · 08/02/2011 19:43

Well I guess she doesn't go away with you and gets to spend an "ordinary" week at home with you instead! "Really sorry DBD you can't come with us as your Mum won't let you come for 2 weeks nor will she collect you from the airport if you only come for the week."

I think the time has come that alternate years you have a 2 week break even if it means DBD not being allowed to come.

pleasechange · 08/02/2011 20:22

Yes there's only so much you can do. Allowing ex to dictate and interrupt your hol and cost your extra £'000s on flights would be ridiculous for everybody. The only thing you can do is to explain to DSD the situation and obviously when she's older then she'll see that you wanted to take her but her mother obstructed it. God only knows why some mothers want to put themselves and their children in this position, it's so extraordinarily selfish and shortsighted

Petal02 · 08/02/2011 21:33

I agree with Allnew, and the other posters who say you can't dance to the ex's tune to such a ridiculous extent.

mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 10:01

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Petal02 · 09/02/2011 10:23

You might have a point MJ. There are times when I get frustrated with DH, because he appears reluctant to challenge his ex, however he probably has a far better idea than me, regarding what's 'win-able' and what isn't .....

pleasechange · 09/02/2011 11:04

It does get to the situation that some nrp's, after years of banging their head against a brick wall, just get to the position where for their own sanity/health and that of their partner/children, end up accepting the legal minimum that the pwc will 'allow'. What's laughable though, in our case, that the childrens' mother loves to claim that DH isn't interested in them

Petal02 · 09/02/2011 11:28

How true Allnew. DH's ex flatly refuses to do ANYTHING remotely helpful. We can't quite say she's obstructive; however DH gets zero assistance. For years, SS used to turn up on access weekends, without a change of clothes - of course the ex would argue she never prevented him from bringing clean clothes, but of course when he was age 11, you couldn't expect him to think about packing a bag. I could give you countless examples of things like that.

But of course she tells SS that DH isn't interested in him. However, with SS - actions speak louder than words and as it's DH who does all the running around etc, I think SS got wise to things a long time ago.

The worst example was when SS had a hospital appointment on a Thursday afternoon. We hadn't been informed about this. So the ex took him up to the hospital, and simply left him there when he'd seen the consultant, because according to the rota, DH's 'watch' begins at 4pm on Thursdays. Of course if DH or I had known about the appt, we could have made arrangements. But we simply got a phone call from SS, saying he was at the Infirmary, and please could we come and get him. DH was at least an hour away, and I was still at work. We were not impressed.

She will not communicate with DH in any way, so he doesn't stand a change of co-parenting. I don't think this is unusual!

Petal02 · 09/02/2011 11:29

PS - what I meant to add, is that I used to get cross with DH for not challenging her, but he used to insist there was no point because she'd never change. He'd rather save his energy for battles he stood a chance of winning.

pleasechange · 09/02/2011 11:54

blimey Petal that hospital incident is ridiculous

DH isn't actually allowed to enter the perimeter of the ex's property - she's installed a rule whereby when he drives up and parks on the road outside the house, he has to phone and them someone will pick up and the children will be allowed out of the house to get into his car. This farce has been going on a few years now

Petal02 · 09/02/2011 11:59

That's mad Allnew! I'm surprised she hasn't installed an electric fence ......

mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 13:03

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mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 13:05

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lateatwork · 09/02/2011 13:26

i have been lurking (again ) and think its a real shame about the UM compromise. I thought that was a fab idea!

We are having holidays problems too (as usual...) Ex is very dictatorial and rarely agrees things to the 11th hour when prices have risen and leave not possible for me /DP. This year she would like to see DP and DBS spend additional quality time together. This is her way of pushing out DD and me of his life. I am not paranoid here. Of the 4 weeks annual leave that DP has we allocated 1 week to a dedicated week with DP and DBS, 2 weeks to a holiday with all of us, 1 week to be kept in reserve if days need to be taken when nursery shut/ill/emergencies etc with the idea of having extended Christmas break if not used during the year which we have asked that DBS attend aswell. She wants the holiday time with all of us to be reduced by 1 week and that week to be used by DP and DBS.

To say that I am a little annoyed would be an understatement.

Does anyone else feel like its a constant battle? Why cant it just be easy to negotiate and sort this out? Compromise is fine. Its not hard. Its 4 weeks of holiday time with PLENTY of notice but ex would like 50% of DP holiday time to be spent with DBS (alone).... um... what about the concept of a family?

exasperated.

pleasechange · 09/02/2011 13:29

Goodness mj you must spend a fortune

Petal02 · 09/02/2011 13:29

A few years ago, we had an 'incident' over school trousers .... SS phoned our house at approx 6.45am one Tuesday morning, to say he didn't have any clean school trousers. DH dutifully jumped in the car with some spare trousers (despite my going absolutely mad at him). When he arrived the ex's house, about 30 mins later, he was told he'd just missed SS, and that he was on his way to the bus stop. So obviously he'd found some trousers from somewhere. So DH decided to hand the extra trousers to the ex, who tried to slam the door in his face, and DH ended up stuffing the trousers through the letter box .... I admit I was particularly cross with DH on this occasion; even if there had been a laundry malfunction at the ex's house, surely it's for the ex to sort out, and not DH at that time in the morning? And having a shouting match on the ex's doorstep, and posting clothes through the letter box isn't very dignified. The ex did threaten to call the police over this - and whilst I think she would have been wasting police time, I was mad at DH for putting himself in that position.

I was also slightly annoyed at SS - he was 14 at the time, and surely old enough to know better? Although DH does make a rod for his own back, and generally panders excessively to SS.

mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 13:30

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mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 13:33

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pleasechange · 09/02/2011 13:33

lateatwork - my honest opinion is that her request is unreasonable and devisive for your family. As a working family then to have your limited holidays divided in this way is ridiculous. And she has no place in deciding how your family (which includes DBS) spend your holidays. Does your DH plan to go along with what she is saying??

pleasechange · 09/02/2011 13:36

Petal at trousergate. You couldn't make it up, could you.

Petal02 · 09/02/2011 13:37

Lateatwork - your DP's ex is clearly being very manipulative, I hope your DP can see this, and doesn't let her dictate how he runs his 'new' family?

Before I met DH, I used to think that 'first wives/BMs' would desperately cling to their children, not wanting them to spend time with their fathers ...... but often the reverse is true, particularly if the father has a new partner ...... My DH's ex NEVER wants to see her son at Christmas, and would happily despatch him to us at every available opportunity.

Petal02 · 09/02/2011 13:40

Allnew: 'trousergate' - that's a fab description for the incident !!!!

mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 14:22

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Petal02 · 09/02/2011 14:24

I just can't understand DH's ex (or any parent for that matter) who doesn't want to see their child at Christmas. I also think it must be heartbreaking for a parent who is permanently denied seeing their child at Christmas - it's just so wrong.

lateatwork · 09/02/2011 15:15

mj we thought it would be nice for DP and DBS to have some bonding time together without DD and me. Its been a rocky year for all of us and DBS has seen less of his dad this year for a number of reasons... (mainly him starting school making access more tricky for us (we live a LONG way away- oh and we moved and then she moved further away..) and ex being difficult with not allowing increased weekends...) we know a weeks holiday is not going to 'make up' for that but I fondly remember feeling 'special' when my dad took time off specifically to spend with me and we were working on that principle.

i do think its wrong of her. i really cant get my head around why she would think its ok? maybe the difference is that i am more logical and she is more emotional about the time... ie DBS doesnt get to spend much time with his dad anymore so why shouldnt he get 50% of the allocated holiday time just the two of them? but i think that just isnt realistic. DD is 2 and probably wont care either way but I think its the wrong message to send to DBS... but I was looking forward to the holiday time with DBS too... I think 2 weeks is better than one... more time to land...

oh and we are NEVER allowed to have christmas with DBS as we have been told its a family time and DBS wants to spend it with his family (told by the ex... the inference being we arent his family)... ho hum...

my sister is a single mum. i must say i hold her relationship with her ex and the way they handle their children as my ideal for how the best can be made out of a difficult situation.

oh and yes DP knows Ex is being super manipulative but is running out of ways to tackle it.

Petal02 · 09/02/2011 15:31

Lateatwork - I'm relieved that your DP realises his ex is being manipulative, but all he has to do is say 'No' to her requests about reserving half his holiday for DBS (can I apologise cos I referred to your stepson as a stepdaughter in a previous thread).

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