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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

DP and DSS always excluding me

79 replies

MamaMiaHereWeGoAgain · 07/01/2011 11:23

I don't know if I'm just being a whinge but I'm starting to feel so fed up of this. Ever since DP and I began living together he and his daughter have become like some seclusive group. When we go out anywhere she instantly links arms with him and drags him off in front so that I'm left trailing behind them like an idiot. At home she always needs to speak to him "in private", if he goes in her room he closes the door behind him and you can hear them whispering. She even texts him from her bedroom whilst he's in the living room so they can have a private conversation like that. Its really getting me down. Just before christmas we went into town together to do some christmas shopping and when we first got out of the car she grabbed him, linked arms with him and tried dragging him down the street fast. He played along and made a joke of it, ran a little down the street and looked back at me to smile. I smiled back thinking they were just messing about but she then took it to the next extreme and carried on trying to run arm in arm, he followed her and they ran all the way down the street and across the road!!! giggling like little kids and I was left walking behind on my own like a bloody moron. I had it out with him later on and said they were just playing about and I was over-reacting but I don't think he understands how isolated this behaviour can make a person feel. If he gets a letter from school about her he doesn't show me it. Doesn't discuss her with me yet expects to be conpletely involved in MY children's lives. I'm starting to think I've made a huge mistake. She's 14.

OP posts:

Giftwrapped · 07/01/2011 11:38

It looks like, from what you've said, that she is struggling with the fact that you've moved in together. And I think you need to make allowances for that and just go with it for a bit.

Does she live with you? And how is your relationship with her otherwise? Do you get much time on your own with your dp?

It's hard to say really whether you're being sensitive or not without a fuller picture.

Petal02 · 07/01/2011 11:43

If it's any consolation - if my husband and I go anywhere with stepson (age 16), the pair of them walk together, and I trail along behind, like I'm playing gooseberry. I've heard other posters say similar things on this forum too.

cobbledtogether · 07/01/2011 11:52

I'm not clear from your post - have you moved into what was 'their' house? Does she live there full time? Do your DCs live their too?

Anyhoo, I can really sympathise as I've been in the same position as you and it can be very hard work. Its not about them having a relationship together or having their own private moments, its about a continuous level of exclusion that makes you feel isolated.

There's not much you can do about DBDs behaviour, only your DHs. If he is fully involved with your DCs then you have the benchmark for how you work together to care for and support all the children, not just yours. Start from that point and not from his DDs behaviour and you may get somewhere. Experience says that if you start from how she behaves he will get very defensive and you'll fall at the first hurdle.

I've just got through the early teens with my DBD and had to grow a very thick skin.

Practical advice as follows:

Arrange some time for just you and DH. Its perfectly reasonable for you to have time just the two of you.
Go and do your own thing if they run off. They can come to you.
If it becomes rude - (like my DH and DD disappearing off together without even mentioning they were going out grrr) stand up to that right away as it won't get better without it.

Greeninkmama · 07/01/2011 13:43

Mamamia, that feeling of exclusion is definitely one of the worst aspects of being a SM. I remember going to restaurants when naturally my DP and DSS would sit together and I would sit opposite feeling like a spare part, and of course they would always walk together down the street while I trailed behind, feeling miserable and telling myself to be more grown-up about it. Would have saved a lot of trouble if I had told my DP that it wasn't acceptable to exclude me when we were all out together (I did do this eventually). But you also have to let them have time together because no DSC wants to share their dad with a SM all the time.

hellymelly · 07/01/2011 13:53

Does she get much one on one time with him? If she could have set time with him,when you are not around,then maybe she would accept that she should be more polite when you are.I think your DP is playing along because he feels guilty,but really it is just good manners to not exclude anyone from a group.She is a child and its natural that she wants time just with her Daddy,and I think the more of that she gets then the more relaxed she can then feel with you too.Have you tried talking to her about how you feel in a non-critical way? And aking her what might help?

glasscompletelybroken · 07/01/2011 14:33

I do find this the hardest aspect of being a SM and I completely feel for you. Sometimes I walk into the room and they're all cuddled up on the sofa watching telly and I feel like such a spare part. However much I try not to, I can;t help feeling that they are such a complete unit on their own without me.
It is isolating and I don;t have any answers but just wanted to say I feel the same.

redfairy · 07/01/2011 16:26

I hear you all. My 11 year old DBD sees DH once a fortnight and no matter how hard I try to bear this in mind the constant whispering, sitting on his lap,and private jokes can really get to me. I thought that two years down the line DBD may feel secure enough to drop this behaviour but it shows no signs of abating. I really hate myself for dreading her visits and for feeling so 'jealous' I suppose. I put my heart and soul into trying to make this home hers as well and to give her plenty of one on one time with DH yet I dont feel as if I'm building a place in her affections and am just another stranger in the room. Still, it's nice to know I'm not the only one...

LadyTremaine · 07/01/2011 16:38

I think this is fairly common. I think the only thing to bear in mind is that you are probably a bit jelous of each other, but as the adult your feelings come a wee bit second.

However, what you describe is rudeness and I think that your DSd needs to be told it is unaccpetable, it would be horrible if she displayed this behaviour with her friends at school. Very bitchy.

Although at 14 i don't think you have much longer to go, she wont want to know him when she turns 16

Petal02 · 07/01/2011 19:51

Ladytremaine - I don't want to dishearten the OP, but my SS is nearly 17, and still clings to his Dad as if they're Romeo and Juliet. I wouldn't be suprised if people think my husband is an older man with a young male lover. It's all getting a bit "not quite right."

GwynAndBearIt · 07/01/2011 20:28

oh dear god, Petal, that is really cringe-worthy - i am so sorry for you - must be very hard to watch that

pleasechange · 08/01/2011 14:10

Petal sorry but PMSL at Romeo & Juliet. I have this as well. We were all in the lounge watching a film last week. DS aged 2 on the floor, me on a chair, DSS2 on a chair, and DSS1 (15) cuddled up right next to DH on the huge sofa

At one point when DSS actually followed DH into the kitchen (again) when DH was getting a cup of tea, I actually found myself deliberately obstructing his physical access to where DH was standing. It's all so silly but it drives me bonkers

coldtits · 08/01/2011 14:16

In the cases where the child is turning up pnce a fortnight and clinging like a limpet for the weekend - that child probably never expected to have to share his/her parent with someone who doesn't love the child like the child's own parents do.

I, as the mother of my children, like to see them spending time together, even before we split up. I didn't feel jealous because it's just not normal to feel jeaouse of a father/child relationship.

coldtits · 08/01/2011 14:17

Why though? Why are you feeling any need to break the bond between these children and their father? can't you see how immature and selfish this behavior is? He's not your property and the children need him more.

isore · 08/01/2011 14:24

She's not jealous though cold tits, she feels isolated.

coldtits · 08/01/2011 14:26

allnew obstructed her step son moving towards his father. That's not the action of an isolated woman, that's the action of someone jealous being spiteful.

I do understand that the OP feels isolated, but can she not see that a 14 year old girl needs her dad? Yes, the girl is being very silly. 14 year olds are allowed to be silly.

bettiboo · 08/01/2011 14:29

I have to say this has made me feel quite uncomfortable. Would that closeness by ok if it were your own children? I'm trying to be fair about this and I think if you guys are out together then it's rude not to involve the other person. But really, why shouldn't children have close relationships with their parents or is it just step children? My son if very tactile with me and if I met someone and they didn't like this closeness I would have to make a decision about whether I stay in a relationship with someone who is jealous about my relationship with my son. I'm also thinking what would my son feel if I met someone and I stopped him from having a close relationship with me just because I have another adult in my life. I hope I'm not being too negative about this but want to give my honest opinion.

miniwedge · 08/01/2011 14:53

My dsd is the same, she sits outside the toilet knocking on the door and talking to dp whilst he poos, if I get up in the night to the loo I come back to find her in our bed, lots of whispering etc.
She won't acknowledge me unless prompted.

She is 11 and we have been together for 7 years!

I have no issue with children being tactile, I do love dsd, but the level of clinging is hard to take, I have no idea why it is. We have her here around 50% of the time and she is not the same at her mums.
I treat her and dd the same so not a cry for attention either.

I get how you feel op, not a lot to be done though.

PolythenePam · 08/01/2011 14:54

You are quite right in thinking you should take pride of place in your partner's affections....anyone would think his daughter was there first by the way she is behaving!

I would stamp the bond between them out as soon as possible, for your own sanity. Perhaps you yourself might behave in the manner of a jealous child and test his commitment to you by seeing who he chooses to put first. It's only fair that you should get a fair stab in the competition after all, and if he knows what's good for him he will halt the cameraderie and closeness he has with his daughter, and ensure that you are feeling secure, before going on to enjoy one on one time with her in small doses...perhaps five minutes at a time? Suggest buying a kitchen timer you can fit in your handbag when you are all out and about, then when it rings, your partner will know it is time to link arms with you instead. Perfect.

miniwedge · 08/01/2011 15:01

Fuck off polythenepam.

You are deliberately misunderstanding the op, she clearly isn't trying to stamp out any bond. She said she feels isolated and actually, I guess I would in her situation as well.

Nothing to do with jealousy or competition, everything to with being acknowledged and respected within the family unit.

bettiboo · 08/01/2011 15:02

Miniwedge: I understand it must be difficult when your step child is clingy, but she is only a child and it's her dad. She likely feels threatened by you because she knows her dad loves you very much. Clinging behaviour sounds very much like an insecure little girl who wants to know her dad loves her. I'm not sure what the answer is and I suspect you're very kind to her and try to alleviate some of those insecurities. Perhaps it will get better when she's older or she might always be this way.

PolythenePam · 08/01/2011 15:07

Miniwedge - I completely understand what you are saying. She does not feel jealous, but 'isolated', which is totally different to feeling jealous of her stepdaughter.

BluddyMoFo · 08/01/2011 15:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

miniwedge · 08/01/2011 15:10

It's not really about being clingy, that's probably the wrong term.
It's about the rudeness, whispering, ignoring, sighing if you join a conversation etc. Lots of figs about me and dd to try to get us into trouble as well.
Dsd is not insecure,She knows how much she is loved. she has often said she wants dd and I to move out so that her dad will spend all his money on her. I actually pay most of the bills etc.

I think, in reality, she struggles with actually liking me as her mum is not keen on me at all. It causes her conflict hence the exclusion type behaviour.

At other tomes she draws me pictures for my office, gives me random hugs etc. Like I said, I think it is about conflict as opposed to needing to know she is loved.

bettiboo · 08/01/2011 15:17

Miniwedge: yes that makes sense, she may not like you being her mum and exclusion type behaviour is difficult, I guess all you can do is soldier on and hope that you turn a corner eventually. Have you tried telling your step child how this behaviour makes you feel and get her to take some responsibility. I find bullying behaviours as an example are quite useful. Sometimes it takes until adulthood to realise that you could have had a better relationship with people. I'm very mindful that many men give up their relationships with their children because of jealous and manipulative partners. The children suffer terribly. I'm not sure what the answer is I just hope the OP finds a way that all parties are winners and nothing is done to the detrement of the relationship with the father and child.

isore · 08/01/2011 15:17

Well I think both her dp and her dsd are being manipulative and controlling. Doesn't seem conducive to a harmonious family environment to me. In no situation is it acceptable to make people feel isolated and uncomfortable. I would make sure her dp and dsd had time together on their own (ie cinema, shopping etc) but when they are all together everyone should be making an effort to be a family, no exclusivity allowed. IMO.

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