DP and DSS always excluding me

[MamaMiaHereWeGoAgain]

I don't know if I'm just being a whinge but I'm starting to feel so fed up of this. Ever since DP and I began living together he and his daughter have become like some seclusive group. When we go out anywhere she instantly links arms with him and drags him off in front so that I'm left trailing behind them like an idiot. At home she always needs to speak to him "in private", if he goes in her room he closes the door behind him and you can hear them whispering. She even texts him from her bedroom whilst he's in the living room so they can have a private conversation like that. Its really getting me down. Just before christmas we went into town together to do some christmas shopping and when we first got out of the car she grabbed him, linked arms with him and tried dragging him down the street fast. He played along and made a joke of it, ran a little down the street and looked back at me to smile. I smiled back thinking they were just messing about but she then took it to the next extreme and carried on trying to run arm in arm, he followed her and they ran all the way down the street and across the road!!! giggling like little kids and I was left walking behind on my own like a bloody moron. I had it out with him later on and said they were just playing about and I was over-reacting but I don't think he understands how isolated this behaviour can make a person feel. If he gets a letter from school about her he doesn't show me it. Doesn't discuss her with me yet expects to be conpletely involved in MY children's lives. I'm starting to think I've made a huge mistake. She's 14.

isore; we know this as adults but children don't have the same awareness. I agree that isolating behaviour is unacceptable. The OP says she feels isolated, that doesn't necessarily mean that she is isolated. I think it's useful to talk these things through rationally and try to work together to reach a way of managing things so that everyone feels comfortable. I don't however agree with your opinion that there should be no exclusivity with people. Some people have closer relationships with others and in particular children have different types of relationships with their parents and why not? I adore my child and have a very special relationship with him, should this stop when I meet a man. I wouldn't want to be with a man that wanted it to stop.

Thanks bettiboo, I think she is too young though to try and get her to take some responsibility. I simply ignore the behaviour I don't like and try to make the rest of the time as pleasant as possible.

Exclusivity to the detriment of others is not so good though is it.
I think it is very hard to find a balance that makes all family members happy.

I think at 14 she would be more than aware. If she was 4 it would be a different matter. I'd say running away from op in the street is a pretty strong message and her dp shouldn't be encouraging that behavior. Parenting should be about making children aware of other peoples feelings as well as just considering their own. Have a feeling that most children are over considered these days making them self obsessed and spoilt, but that's a whole other thread.

isore: I do agree with you in some sense but it's about getting a good balance. The OP sounds like a nice lady but the post did make me feel quite uncomfortable. I suppose my point is that children should be allowed to continue to have special relationship with the absent parent even though their parent is in a new relationships. I will always overconsider my child but hopefully will teach him what is and isn't right. I would be very cross if he was making his stepmother feel sad. Im afraid I have no experience of being a step mother so can't give any personal experience from that end, but I do have personal experience as a step daughter, who was eventually abandoned by her father due to a very manipulative woman (of course I first and foremost blame my father) and mother to a child who's father has done the same (I don't know his new partner I'm not blaming her at all). As I said before, the only person that really suffers is the child, so as an adult we're the people responsible despite childrens' unacceptable behaviours (which I'm not suggesting are acceptable). Hope that makes sense.

Bettiboo, it's just not that simple actually. Stage one of being an SM is to say that the most important thing is the DSC's relationship with the DP and that your job is to facilitate that, give them plenty of time together and put the DSC's needs first etc etc. But frankly that altruistic feeling can wear a little thin after a while, and it is difficult to feel pushed out and excluded in your own home.

Everyone understands that DSCs tend to be more needy for obvious reasons. But like all children they can be manipulative - and they quickly work out ways to get their parent to themselves even if they don't quite realise that is what they are doing. Now, it is obviously your job as the adult to work with your feelings of exclusion and not be too reactive or unkind -- but it is painful. That is what the OP is talking about.

And actually it isn't just the child who suffers - a step-parenting relationship can be difficult for all concerned and it generally gets easier if the SP and the BP can discuss how they are feeling. So, Mamamia, I would definitely tell your partner how that sort of excluding behaviour makes you feel.

I think that the answer is that you make a friend of your DSC and the 2 of you do things on your own, without the rest of the family. Get DP to see the problem, then chooose something that you know she will like and take her on your own.

Green I'm sorry if I suggested it was simple, I don't for one minute think that it is simple and I do emphathise with the OP and other step parents. My only point is to ensure that the child doesn't suffer unnecessarily. I absolutely agree that the OP should discuss with her partner how she feels and actually agree with much of what is said and as a mother myself I know very well how manipulative children can be, I didn't mean to come across as partonising either. Just have a personal view on making sure the children are sensitively managed.

Is your DSD an only child, Mamamia? In mean within her original family (sorry if that doesn't sound quite right but hopefully you know what I mean!)

It's just that a friend of mine has exactly the same with her DSD - same age too. The girl has been so used to having everyone just to herself (mum and dad together and separately) that she does tend to try to draw her Dad back 'in with her' in very much the same ways, arm in arm, private convos and texts.

My friend has got used to it now but it did used to bother her, - now she realises that this is just how they are and it's not like she's trying to permanently 'steal' her DH from her, it's a husband wife relationship and a daughter dad relationship, - two entirely separate things.

The best thing is to try to not let it get to you as a personal attack - and most certainly don't let it show that it bothers you even when it does.

at Bettiboo

coldtits given that DH is barely able to move in our house and that for days on end I am unable to have a private conversation without him because DSS1 is physically clung to his side, I really don't see your point. This isn't a young child we're talking about here, it's a hairy arsed teenager. Don't see where you got jealousy from, I'm certainly not jealous of this very unhealthy behaviour at all

Teenagers may act cool, but really they are very childlike and if he is reacting in that way he is very insecure. My answer would be the same as to OP, make your own relationship with him, leave DH to babysit the younger ones and do things with DSS on your own. You can't have a relationship with a person with DCs unless you have a relationship with the DCs, and that relationship should be independent of DH.

Well, I'm sure physically barring your dss's contact with his father will do wonders for his sense of security, Allnew. How clever of you to have thought of it!

If it results in your Dss complaining that you are trying to keep him from being close to his father, simply explain to him that it's for his own good, and it's his own fault for having puberty, and not being cute enough for you to believe that he's actually still a child and still needs the parent he doesn't see very much of.

From DSS's position he has lost his father as a daily companion and has to be a visitor in a house where his siblings have him as a daily companion. When your own DCs get to 15yrs you will realise how young they really are and be more sympathetic-it is hardly surprising that he clings to his father! He is insecure and jealous.

Sorry, I see that you have only one DC and 2 DSSs and it is just that DSS2 has a different way of dealing with it.

It's not jealousy we experience, it's discomfort. In our society, you don't expect children of 15, 16, 17 to exhibit such exaggerated levels of physical affection towards their parents. If I came home to find SS16 draped all over Britney Spears, then it wouldn't seem odd, but when he's all over his Dad ...... well sorry, but that's not quite right.

If you saw two men getting cosy at the Tesco cheese counter, then no doubt LOTS of people would feel uncomfortable. Just because we witness it at home, doesn't make it any less strange.

My parents divorced when I was small, and I grew up in a step family, but thankfully the dynmanics were healthier than many of the situations reported on this forum - and therefore no one in my family found it necessary to be inappropriately tactile into adulthood.

He wouldn't be draped over his father if the dynamics were good, it is a symptom, and he is not a happy child.

Just because something makes you feel uncomfortable doesn't mean it is wrong. Your dss is happy about it, his father is happy about it, YOU are the only person twittering about "ohhhh it's not right!" and "What would people think, they might think they were, you know ..."

That is an issue that is actually happening in your head, and should not be allowed to affect the way your husband and his son interact.

Physically barring contact? Who do you actually think you are?

Have you ever hugged the boy? Does he feel loved by you? Has anyone tried to address his problems?

mamamia hi , coming late to this thread but I will echo Petal, allnew & Lamorna- What you are experiencing is not the manifestation of affection but symptoms of unresolved issues from both parent/child.

I have seen this early in our family, but back then my DBDs were little and have grown out of it- We have worked out what we need to do ; making sure all children get 1 on 1 time as well as quality time as a family.

I would share this with your partner and try and find ways to help DBD feel secure in your family setting- Doing things with her might help but as you say if there is a campaign against you at her mums, she might resist that for a while. Mainly i wanted to tell you that it is normal to fell the way you feel and that you are not a bad person for it.

Do ignore the unhelpful comments- you will find plenty of people in your situation here that will understand you. Some people think they have a clue but in reality they only judge without having walked in those shoes-

This is actually getting quite laughable. I have two SS whom i have know for 12 years, one I get on particularly well with and I am very fond of. We are close, - he confides in me, he knows I care for him as my own child - but (since he was about 9 ) I would no more give him a hug than fly!

Pah!!

These teenagers who are all over their Dads are not damaged and crying out for attention and love, they are not insecure, - quite the opposite in fact. But you would only understand it if you experienced this behaviour first hand.

Ugh. "If they don't agree with you it's because they're ignorant"

I'm walking in those shoes, the difference is, instead of bitching about the fit of the shoes, I wear extra socks, I made sure they fitted properly before I bought them, and when I've had enough of wearing them, I take them off.

Sorry got side tracked and massively x-post with you Pegs!

colditz your comments are usually more helpful but I think your earlier post was a bit ranty and personal.

Ok probably going to get slapped back for this but I'm a stepdaughter who is very close to her Dad and also frankly has very little time for my stepmother (they've been married over 20 years and first got together when I was around 11ish. And btw my mum never once said a bad word about her and my sister has a great relationship with her - we just don't click)

Just as you don't have to love/like your step children, kids don't have to love/like their stepparents. And actually even if she does like you she may just be plain jealous or insecure - especially if the Dad is spending time with your kids.

Eventually - as in my case - you grow up and accept that step mothers are a part of your life. But when you're a kid or even worse a hormornal and over-emotional teenager then you can act up in all sorts of ways. In this case she is isolating you - well I guess its better than other types of abuse or cutting off her Dad completely - trust me kids from divorced families can think of lots of ways to hurt their parents.

I'm not trying to belittle the problem but I don't think its one you can solve. Give them the space they want - even more than you think they need. And if she plays the game just walk off. Text your Husband and say "I;m just popping into these other shops let me know when you're ready to meet up". It could be once she knows she doesn't get a rise out of you about it she will stop doing it. Either that or she'll grow up over time and the dynamics will change anyway

For the record after all these years I have a bland but polite relationship with my stepmother. Obviously my father loves her even if I can't see why and frankly its not my business. Sometimes thats as good as it will get.

quite agree with your suggestion for dealing with it SeoraeMaeul