DP and DSS always excluding me

[MamaMiaHereWeGoAgain]

I don't know if I'm just being a whinge but I'm starting to feel so fed up of this. Ever since DP and I began living together he and his daughter have become like some seclusive group. When we go out anywhere she instantly links arms with him and drags him off in front so that I'm left trailing behind them like an idiot. At home she always needs to speak to him "in private", if he goes in her room he closes the door behind him and you can hear them whispering. She even texts him from her bedroom whilst he's in the living room so they can have a private conversation like that. Its really getting me down. Just before christmas we went into town together to do some christmas shopping and when we first got out of the car she grabbed him, linked arms with him and tried dragging him down the street fast. He played along and made a joke of it, ran a little down the street and looked back at me to smile. I smiled back thinking they were just messing about but she then took it to the next extreme and carried on trying to run arm in arm, he followed her and they ran all the way down the street and across the road!!! giggling like little kids and I was left walking behind on my own like a bloody moron. I had it out with him later on and said they were just playing about and I was over-reacting but I don't think he understands how isolated this behaviour can make a person feel. If he gets a letter from school about her he doesn't show me it. Doesn't discuss her with me yet expects to be conpletely involved in MY children's lives. I'm starting to think I've made a huge mistake. She's 14.

seorae Great post and great to see the other side's POV.

Think your suggestion is spot on.

coldtits who do I think I am? Haha. On that particular occasion, I was in my kitchen trying to cook dinner while DH filled the kettle and DSS1 was phyically attached to him.

If DS (2.5) does this (to either of us) when we're busy in the kitchen, he's told to stop and asked to go and play/find something to do. I don't see why a 15 should be treated any differently. Thing is of course because I'm the SM and can't actually tell him to go find something to do while adult is busy in kitchen, I do yes sometimes resort to 'hints' that actually there can be too many people in a busy kitchen at once.

By the way, I'm in no way trying to prevent a close relationship between father and son. Actually of the 2 DSSs, it is actually DSS2 that has the closer relationship to DH. DSS1 is terminally bored and within 5 mins of being on his own asks dad "what shall I do next dad". Nothing to do with insecurity, just an inability to entertain himself. No displays of insecurity when he is attached to the xbox by the way, just when he's asked to give it a rest. Possible he's unable to entertain himself because no adult has ever actually told him to go find something to do himself (like we encourage DS to, for example).

Allnew - I totally got what you said earlier and think the negative reaction is a complete misunderstanding of what you said. My DSS used to do exactly the same and it is really annoying. I find it easier now my DCs are older because they get told not to do it, and so does he.

As SM I can't see why you can't tell him to find something to do and get out of the kitchen. Perhaps you need to sit down with DH and DSS and draw up some rules that suit everyone. I don't think that I would become a stepmother if I wasn't allowed to treat DSC like any other DC.

well lamorna that is just one 'interesting' aspect of being a SM. You have all sorts of ideas until it actually happens. I would be saying this up to 10 times a day and it would start to get pretty boring for everybody. DH finds it a pain as well but as a 'weekend' dad they don't always say what they think either. It's a difficult situation for everybody.

Allnew is spot-on again. You can tell you bio children to stop getting under your feet, but you can't do the same with your stepchildren - god forbid. Otherwise you get over-ruled by your partner, generally in front of the stepchild. I've said this before, but the only role available to a stepparent, is that of doting bystander. You have to treat your stepchildren as esteemed visitors, and even most minor discpline, eg "please pick your sports bag up, you've left it on the stairs" is not permitted - just in case the little darling might get upset and choose not to visit their father again.

But despite what other posters say, I still find it very strange indeed that young adults need to drape themselves over their parents. It's seriously unhealthy.

I don't think any of us wish to try and prevent physical contact between parent/child, however we would prefer to encourage more age-appropriate behaviour.

I don't think that I would marry someone with DCs unless I had sorted out the rules and that I had my own relationship with them and could say what I liked! (I came close once but didn't go through with it).

MY adult resident ss does this ( must change my name back btw - just put it down to laziness and being generally disoraganised). When we are out shopping or in the pub or out for a meal etc etc - almost without fail my ss (at 23) rings his dad for something (usually benign) - I find it soooooooooo intrusive.

Also now and again we go out for a chippy tea and i used to really like it - just me and DH (theres a great little chippy near us) and we would either eat it in the car or eat in. Then we would bring back his nibs sausage and chips if he wanted it. After a few weeks of this he said he wanted to start coming with us - so he sat there like fuckin Rodney off Only Fools and Horses - remember the episode where Rodney 'won' a colouring competition thanks to Del boy - a holiday for three. To cut a long story short - I posted on here about it - we skidded badly - did hundreds of pounds worth of damage to my car - but carried on to chippy - I paid for us all - when we got home SS marched in house in front of me while DH put my car away and went in his room and slammed his door shut practically in my face .

Not a 'sorry about your car /hope it doesnt cost too much / thanks for taking me/paying for my tea' in sight !

One night in the pub DH left his phone by me and you know who texted him - as usual something benign or he wanted something from him - the voices made me delete it I'm afraid. ha ha HA

Flame away btw. Bring it on - I really dont care anymore.

Oh and btw Allnew - I can beat that- once SS was in his room and DH popped out to our local shopping centre - five minutes walk away. SS ran to front door shouting after him to wait for him (he was only going to get himself a sausage roll ffs - SS was that is}.

This time the voices made me throw one of SSs trainers behind the settee when I realised that DH had gone out of earshot and SS was going to follow in hot pursuit.

HA

ha ha ha ha ha ha HA

and more HA

I do tell my DSS not to do things - actually quite a lot. But I have known him since he was a little boy and have built up quite a strong relationship with him. Plus my DH is supportive of my step-parenting struggles and can generally cope with me offloading.

I do remember not being able to say anything at all and that was truly dreadful; my DH simply didn't notice trying behaviour because he was so happy to have his DS with him, and we had absolutely no time together because he went to bed when we did etc etc. It took me ages - years - to set proper ground rules like a fixed bed-time. I only really did it when I had two of my own and absolutely had to have some sort of order in the home.

It can still be really hard at times, though, and you can never say exactly what you like ?Larmona? because you don't have the depth of love that you have with your own DCs to sustain the bond between you. A falling out matters more, and is harder to fix.

Basically, not many people would choose to be a SM. You have to really love your partner in order to make it work, I think, and you have to be able to talk about it.

Thats right Greenin - am sure my DH secretly loves having his son around even at 23 and therefore cannot see how awful and marginilistic (is there such a word ?) his behaviour is towards me.

So blind to it is he that he actually pulls other people to shreds who do the exact same things SS does and I'm thinking - but your son does exactly that - cycling on the pavement is one example - its rude selfish inconsiderate dangerous soft pathetic etc etc when anyone else is spotted doing it - but he will look fondly out of our bedroom window at his son flying out of our drive on his bike and across all the gates and drives at great speed to the top of the road where the cycle path begins . Said something once and got shot down (He's no lights}.

I only met mine at 17 btw so no parent child bond really.

Oh blimey, don't suppose you can give a 23-year-old a bedtime... or can you?

I'm always amazed that Bahhumbug isn't detained at her majesty's pleasure by now, because I'd be serving a mandatory life sentence if I were in her position!

Bahhumbug the humour you manage to retain is a good example to us all!

Yep, being a sm is haaaaarrrrd work. Would never have chosen dh if I knew what I know now (and I love my ds and have a good relationship but it's still thankless, draining and shit)

Ahh Bahhhumbug, how I have missed thee! Love the shoe! Have you thought about buying him some new boxers? Get two sets one large, one small and then periodically swap them around without him realising so he thinks hes getting fat .

I do think its all down to the Dad and what they allow.

We're going through a very weird period at the mo where DH doesn't discuss anything with me about DBD...failing to realise that I am friends with her on facebook. Its like he's separating the two parts of his life forgetting that we've been together 10 years now so its a pretty weird to start playing at this now. Hey ho!

Yes I think that's it spot on isore. People find it very easy to say 'well I would only go into that position knowing/being sure that ..blah blah blah'.

Fact is, nobody can know how the situation is going to pan out until it happens. It's a bit like going onto threads where people find all kinds of issues in relationships and saying "well I wouldn't have got myself into that position". The sheer size and depth of mn shows that no matter how good people think their own decision-making capabilities may be, people end up in all kinds of hard positions which they never would have dreamed about. So being all smug and saying it's your own fault you knew what you were getting into, is really not too constructive!

MJ, that's exactly the position I'm in - DH only ever put his foot down with his daughter on one occasion, and as a result she refused to visit any more, and he hasn't seen her for nearly four years. So you can see why he won't consider any minor discipline, routine, boundaries for his son. But even though I can understand his mindset, it doesn't make the resulting situation any easier to deal with.

Not long after the daughter went AWOL, I asked SS if he could please empty the bath after use, rather than leave it full of water. Husband's response was "I've already lost my daughter, I can't risk upsetting my son" - the rest is history.

Hi Girls

I have a 'If I dont do anything else today list - I will do that' and I have put changing my name back on mn on it.

Love the Boxers idea - cut the toes out of his old sports socks when he got some new ones at Christmas and then they kinda found their way back into his sock drawer.

He gets ready at last minute to go anywhere so planted myself in the lounge (his rooms downstairs) and waited for the wails of dismay as he pulled on each sock and it ended up round his knee. Never laughed so much in my life.

Told his daddy of course that night that someone (thats HWSBMesque for Suda) had cut all his socks up (thats HWSBMesque for one or two) and I just sat there all innocent and said ' I cut them up to make sleeping bags for DGDs Peppa Pig figures - dont tell me you picked them up with your laundry and put them back in your drawer '
[innocent]

Oh and Petal - once took the bath plug out in my handbag as I didnt want SS to contaminate use our bathroom - he used to use ours when he felt like it even though he has an en suite. His excuse was he has no bath in his.

Am up for a BAFTA for keeping a straight face in pub when he rang his dad to say he couldnt have a bath cos someone (Hwsbm speak for Suda) had hidden the plug.

When we got in I just put the plug on bathmat next to bath and said 'Dozy buggars obviously pulled it off the chain when he's lifted it from round the taps - its here on the bloody floor !'

[innocent] [innocent]

PMPL. Peppa Pig sleeping bags. Genius!

Well if Suda's up for a BAFTA, I should be in line for an Oscar ..... if SS takes root in the lounge, using his X-Box on our TV, then I "accidentally" switch off the wireless internet router ..... and feign shock when poor SS has to prematurely end his game, the little cherub generally retreats back upstairs at that point, meaning I reclaim my territory in the lounge.

Ladies, I defend my right to do this, as otehrwise there's nowhere for me to go, except retreat upstairs to my bedroom. Which means that the teenager has the 'adult' area, ie the lounge, and the adult is stuck in her bedroom like a teenager. It's all wrong on so many levels.