My own experiences

[theredhen]

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks.

I have been recalling my own childhood when I lived with my Mother (she was a widow) and my experiences of her boyfriends.

She had a number of boyfriends and although I was only 5/6 years old at the time, I can remember most of them very clearly.

I too was a single child of a single Mum (as my son is) and I remember the very strong feeling that most of these men just "put up" with me. Most of them completely ignored me, to be honest, and I wasn't particularly bothered.

I do remember one who used to play with me and taught me to play chess and generally made the effort. I recall my Mother telling me that when she dumped him, he told her that he was more fond of me than of her! If he had told me off, I would have had some respect for that man because I felt he was giving me something postive and therefore he was also entitled to give something "negative". I would have listened because I wanted his approval.

My mother had another boyfriend who probably did actually do a lot of things on a practical basis and a financial one for me but there was no bond there at all. I still remember very clearly crying at his dinner table because he insisted I eat the dinner he had cooked for me, (which I recall as being bloody awful, lol) and refused to let me leave the table until I had done so. I remember the resentment and hatred I felt for him and also for my Mother who allowed him to talk to me like dirt. I can remember he took great pleasure in wielding his power over me.

I want to have the relationship with my step children that the first boyfriend I mentioned had with me, I am very scared that OH is having the same relationship that the second boyfriend had with me with my son.

"I am more accommodating of my DSs in some areas than I am of DD, because I don't want to hurt their feelings and they have habits gained at their mother's house that, while I don't like them, I don't think it is worth having a disagreement over."

I agree that you have to choose your battles and not try and make everything "perfect". However, there are things which I think are quite basic, like making sure everyone can get enough sleep, making sure all children do their fair share of chores and expecting children to talk to each other and adults nicely and respectfully.

DS will get told off for the most minor misdemeanor and step children are allowed to do things that are really not acceptable and it's the double standards that I can't stand. I let lots of things go when it comes to the step children, and yet DP lets absolutely nothing go with DS and in fact, finds things to moan about, things which he actively encourages in his own children, Throwing a ball in the house, being a good example.

Swede, you are correct, however I think my frustration comes from having to spend Thur-Sun every other weekend with a teenager who I've no parental authority over. Which basically means the dynamics in our house become really skewed on such weekends. When it's just husband and I, we're two equal stakeholders within the home. When SS arrives, he suddenly becomes King of the Castle, with husband running around like an idiot to keep him happy, growling at me if I object. It's all so wrong.

When I was a teenager, I lived in a normal household, with all the usual things like "get your feet off the settee young lady", "for heaven's sake switch off the TV if you've finished watching it" and "if I find your school bag at the bottom of the stairs one more time ....." etc etc - but none of that can take place with SS. It's hard to describe, but we have to create a sterile, sanitised evironment that totally indulges SS, which is light years away from the normal family environment I grew up in.

My frustrations may sound trivial, and I'm fully aware that many other posters have it far worse, but it's such a false, un-natural way to live.

Redhen, I recall your son being ill through sleep deprivation, caused by your stepchildren being allowed to keep the whole house awake at night during their stays. That is totally unacceptable. You sound like a perfectly reasonable lady to me, and there is nothing wrong with having some basic minimum standards. However god knows how you enforce them if you can't get your DP on side.

Petal Your DH possibly 'runs round like an idiot to keep his DS happy' in an attempt to counter your unfriendliness/hostility towards his son. I suspect you being more tolerant/ignoring of minor nonsense and a bit more jolly would result in your husband feeling able to properly parent. Instead of being in She-Lion mode where he needs to protect and defend his DS.

But then again your DH might just be as ass.

DS has been ill all this week because of the sleep deprivation. I've told DP that DS will be sleeping in our room on a mattress if this carries on! I hoped that this might spur him into action and that he insists his children are respectful in this matter but his answer was to put the mattress in the shower room instead!

I'm going to be having a word with the step children tonight about it, I can't just sit back on this one. If I don't get an improvement, it just makes the decision to move out an easier one.

theredhen - How old are all the children involved and how many bedrooms do you have?

Swedes - you suggest my husband may run round like an idiot keeping SS happy, in order to counter my stance towards his son. Actually, it happened the other way round. It was husband's "Lioness with cub" (Suda's excellent phrase) that created the resentment in the first place. And if my husband were to undertake some proper parenting, it would make minor irritations far easier to handle. It seems you and I view the situation from opposite sides - you suggest my husband over-indulges his son because of my resentment, whereas I feel that the resentment only arose because SS is treated like Jesus Christ when he's in the building.

Redhen - I'm horrified that your DP would prefer your son to sleep on the bathroom floor, rather than tell his children to be quiet at night. Speaks volumes, doesn't it. However, does this give you some leverage? Playing devil's advocate here; could you announce you're moving out for a few weeks as your son is ill through sleep deprivation? You won't be saying you're leaving your DP, however your temporary absence could be a wake-up call? After which you could move back if a few sensible ground rules are agreed???

We have a 4 bed house at the moment, extension being built to make it 5 bed when DS will have his own room. At the moment, DS shares with DSS who tells him he is "boring" for wanting to go to sleep and proceeds to throw stuff around. DS tries to not be seen as "uncool".

DSD4 will wake at 6am and will wake everyone up, DSC are well trained at sleeping through her noise, DS and myself are not.

DC range from age 14 to age 7. DS is 12.

Petal, I'd love threaten the temporary move out but I have nowhere to go. I have no family who could help out and friends have no room.

Petal - I'm not for one minute suggesting it's your fault or intentional. Just wondering if it's possible that dynamic has manifested itself? It sounds a very unhappy situation for all of you, I am very sorry.

theredhen - It is probably sensible for your DS and you to sleep together until the ext is built and for your DH to sleep with his early riser.

theredhen - when the stepchildren are present I mean, perhaps not all the time, although

Swedes,

That's a good idea. God knows what DP will say to that seeing as he disapproves of DS and I having a cuddle at the best of times. He is certainly not going to want to lose my place in the bedroom.

Anyway, you wicked stepmothers , I must go and make bread sauce and prepare some supper for my brood. I want you all to promise me that you are going to spend Christmas thanking the blazes that those teenagers are NOT your responsibility. Allow your husbands to feel the void and see whether they do something effective with it. If the going gets tough you are going to GO OUT. Go and have a glass of wine with a friend or go for a walk alone or with your own DC (if you have them).

I'll drink to that!

Just thought I'd come and update my thread. DS and DSC have only spent 1 day together so far and the atmosphere has been very peaceful, which is nice. However, this is because 1. when we have DS alone, things are understandably easier than when we have 5 kids and 2. DP is letting his kids do what they want, when they want and no chores at all, so it's not surpising they are being pretty well behaved.

Of course, when DS gets back from his Dad's, I daresay DSC will tell him all about how they didn't have to do anything while he was away, DS will then get into a strop when he is expected to do chores and DP will tell me how much nicer it was when DS wasn't here. DS will be expected to write thank you letters, DSC don't have to nor do they even remember who bought them what. I think that is terrible bad manners.

When we did have a day together, we went out for a meal and DS and DP end up arguing about something non consequential but DP has to win. Whilst I spend my time asking DSD4 not to snatch, not to interrupt and to remember her manners whilst also dealing with DSS3 who takes DP's phone and hides it, pokes DP in the face, kicks DP and of course, nothing much is said. DP ended up telling DS that he won't bring him out again, because DS dared to argue with him about which dish was spicier! From that point on DS was understandably a bit peeved.

I am going out and staying with a friend tonight with DS and I am soooo looking forward to it.

Had a bit of an issue with DSS and money. Turns out DSS has been taking money from here to his Mums house, I am also certain that he has taken some of DS things there too without asking and all of DSC will take DS things without asking and not return them. It is only me who stops this.

DP's answer to his sons stealing problem, to hide his money away and tell DSS he has done so. No talking to him, no finding out why, no punishment, no consequences.

I was having a panic about DS xmas money going missing and DS was at his Dad's. I asked him where it was as I was frightened it had gone missing. DS had hidden it right away. This used to be the boy who could leave anything anywhere and know it would be safe.

Oh and our cat died - feel very sad that she was "our" pet and that I have lost something else that was just "ours" rather than "everyones" (which means step children only and we don't get a look in!) DS took it quite well, but even DP snapped at him then, when he demanded that DS give me a hug when I was upset. Funny, how he doesn't normally like DS showing me affection. DSS aged 11 showed a lot of sympathy by laughing and poking the dead cat.

Despite all this I don't feel too bad, I suppose I have just been very busy with 4/5 kids and lots of Xmas entertaining etc.

I'm very nervous of spending time with DS and DSC and DP as the atmosphere is tense and I feel on edge all the time. Something has to change and only DP can do it.

Hi redhen- thanks for updating - I did wonder how you were doing during Xmas and all.

I raise my hat to you- you have the patience of a saint. I would have lost it at this stage with the rudeness-bad behaviour-stealing-etc

Enjoy the night away.

Ditto the saint bit - what you have to put up with is appalling. You're totally right of course, the only way this can change - unless you ask to separate - is if your DP recognises how unfair he's being. What do you think the chances of that really are ?

FWIW, and I know I'll get flamed forb being so un-PC, an 11 year old child laughing and poking at my dead pet would have made me want to slap him. Disgusting behaviour .... more so if his dad (probably) said nothing.

Really feel for you.