My own experiences

[theredhen]

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks.

I have been recalling my own childhood when I lived with my Mother (she was a widow) and my experiences of her boyfriends.

She had a number of boyfriends and although I was only 5/6 years old at the time, I can remember most of them very clearly.

I too was a single child of a single Mum (as my son is) and I remember the very strong feeling that most of these men just "put up" with me. Most of them completely ignored me, to be honest, and I wasn't particularly bothered.

I do remember one who used to play with me and taught me to play chess and generally made the effort. I recall my Mother telling me that when she dumped him, he told her that he was more fond of me than of her! If he had told me off, I would have had some respect for that man because I felt he was giving me something postive and therefore he was also entitled to give something "negative". I would have listened because I wanted his approval.

My mother had another boyfriend who probably did actually do a lot of things on a practical basis and a financial one for me but there was no bond there at all. I still remember very clearly crying at his dinner table because he insisted I eat the dinner he had cooked for me, (which I recall as being bloody awful, lol) and refused to let me leave the table until I had done so. I remember the resentment and hatred I felt for him and also for my Mother who allowed him to talk to me like dirt. I can remember he took great pleasure in wielding his power over me.

I want to have the relationship with my step children that the first boyfriend I mentioned had with me, I am very scared that OH is having the same relationship that the second boyfriend had with me with my son.

re my last post 'my GBs' and 'HWSBM' - Golden Bollocks and HeWhoShantBeMentioned are both names for my SS btw - need to decide on one insulting name and stick to it really !! - .

Redhen thats an interesting point about sharing you make. Feeling its not your home and nothing is yours. That is not often mentioned as yet another issue of stepparenting sometimes.

Sounds petty I know but I hide absolutely everything - or it becomes communal. For example I went to buy some Xmas wrapping paper the other day - bought quite a few rolls and picked it with particular presents and recipients in mind IYSWIM. I was putting it away upstairs when DH says 'Why dont we keep it downstairs - we'll all be wrapping presents in next few days' .

I just ignored him and have left it in our room !! Where is it written that I have to provide all the household wrapping paper for everyone including his 23yr old son just because he lives here.

Everything is communal - I hate it - cups/pens/newspapers/magazines - cant leave anything lying around in my own house regardless of whether or not its my personal property or something I have bought with my own money. The other day GBs said ' Have we got any stamps ? ' WTF ? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. It is like being in a hotel lobby all the time - I cant even put a pen down on the coffee table and go out of sight for a minute - if GBs needs a pen he will help himself to it and take it in his room or even out with it and never put it back. Last Xmas he 'reported' to Daddy that I wouldnt let him have my pen for just a minute because I was using it to write my presents out - so did Daddy please have one he could borrow. Daddy went stomping upstairs - throwing big bad Suda a filthy look on the way - came down with a pen and threw it to GBs - giving me another filthy look in doing so. All because I was using my own pen to write my own gift tags in my own lounge and wouldnt stop and give it to GBs to wander into his room with it and probably not bring it back on past form until I asked for it.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The business of personal space and personal possessions is a very hard one with stepchildren. I don't mind my own DD being in my personal space and I do mind my DSSs being in it, and there is no way that that could have ever have been different.

When the DSSs were younger I would find them lounging on DP's and my bed, in our bedroom. Or they would use our loo and leave it smelly. Those things drove me bonkers and felt like a huge invasion, but when DD does those things it it just felt normal.

The one thing that makes a big difference is that the DSSs have a lot of physical space (bed/bath/loo of their own) right at the end of the apartment and so they can legitimately be expected to do their homework in their own space and not invade ours.

Sorry I know it all sounds petty but I long for the day when I can have my own nice cup hung up in the kitchen next to the Kettle knowing no-one else has used it , my brolly in the hall - handy for when I'm going out , my rubber gloves next to the sink knowing only my hands have been in them , my pen on the coffee table knowing it wont have been taken into the 'swamp' and disappeared forever , even my slippers ffs - GBs will think nothing of sticking his minging feet into them like slip ons if he has to pop outside and he's nothing on his feet. I do know how petty I sound but I sometimes feel like a tortoise - have to keep all my home attached to me all the time

Yes Bonsoir I know what you mean - my daughter came yesterday and I deliberately dont invite her or have her come into our bedroom for any reason - even though it would not bother me in slightest - because then DH can never throw it back at me and say 'well I might find it intrusive that your daughter has been on our bed/in our bedroom' etc. I just have a blanket rule so that GBs can never have any credible reason to be allowed in - YUK.

It's a bit different for us since DD is DP's and my daughter, and the DSSs' half-sister - she basically gets to wander in on anyone in the loo or shower, shares beds at random with any of us etc. She doesn't have to have the same boundaries as the boys vs. me.

Inevitably the boys also have different habits to DD - they watch vile TV that DD is not allowed to watch, and need to be reminded that the TV is in communal space and we don't all want to hear/see what they choose. They aren't used to that at all since, at their mother's house, they have the run of the place - she is out a lot.

It is v.different on a personal space level aswell when its male adult or older SSs vs female Smum - dont you think ??

DH doesnt get this - he often says - 'well it wouldnt bother me if your son was wandering around the house /using our bathroom etc etc '

Duhhhh - its because its blokes together and they are a lot more laid back about personal privacy etc - just think of the set up in Gents loos for one.

I don't know, since I haven't experienced it!

It's very hard, because you just cannot have the intimacy with your stepchildren that you have with your own children, and that creates personal boundary/space differentials that inevitably result in different treatment of the two. However much I want to treat the DSSs and DD the same, it is impossible.

Suda,

I think you make a good point about OH feeling resentful that DS is around and his children aren't. I think he actually isn't a very tolerant person anyway (something I didn't really learn until I moved in) and DS is obviously under his nose quite a lot and he can't tolerate him whereas his own kids, he does.

We do have time to ourselves when DS is with his Dad and we try and get this to co-incide with when DSC are with their Mum. BUT OH is very keen to "get rid" (he used those words once) of DS but if he has the opportunity to see his children on "our" weekend, he does. So it's not like he just wants time with me, he wants time with me and HIS children.

My DS is still ill and recovering from the weekend - the sleep deprivation is so extreme when his kids are there. I told OH last night that if it continues I will be getting a mattress and putting it in our room on the floor for DS. For Gods sake, all I want is for him to make his children show respect to anyone who wants to sleep rather than them being allowed to keep the whole house awake. His response - to put a mattress in the shower room instead! Aaaargh!

I absolutely hate sharing everything and get so annoyed when step kids take everything of mine and DS's, never return them, but refuse to share anything of their own or even put notices on their doors telling others to keep out and then just walk into DS room and empty out his boxes looking for things to do!

I am biting my tongue so much and am so infuriated. I managed to get some sleep last night so am less upset today, but I still don't know what to do to fix the problem.

I just find it more embarrassing if for example I got spied in my underwear going across the landing to the bathroom then I know I would find it if it were an adult stepdaughter who lived with us. Because to me I feel no less bodily private for want of a better expression towards my stepson than I do to any passing random male in the street. My DH seems to take that as just yet another sympton of my lack of fondness for my SS and it isnt - it is just the general behaviour modifying presence of another male. I would no more run downstairs to get something with a towel round me when the meter reader was here than I would because SS lives with us. To my DH thats almost a sign that I dont think any more of my SS than I do of a random male meter reader. That I cant think 'oh its only our SSsname'. Its not that at all - even if I had a good relationship with him I would feel the same. I would even feel slightly uncomfortable if for example my own son was here in those circumstances - yet not at all with my daughter or any stepdaughter to much degree.

Redhen I didnt realise that your DS spends days with his dad - it does spoil my theory a bit but there still could be something in it. I often think when I am really missing my son and DGDs terribly - they live other end of country - and am wishing they lived nearby and could just pop and see me or I could babysit or just meet my son for lunch or he could call round etc etc - how much it sort of rubs my nose in it IYSWIM that I have to see GBs every day of my life and I am seperated from mine by distance and cant just see him/them casually on a regular basis. Thats what made me come up with that theory.

My DSSs have seen me on the beach/in the pool often enough for me not to worry about them seeing me in my underwear. It's the physical invasion that bothers me.

Glad you feel a bit better today - You are just like me - everything seems 10 times worse when I am tired. Next time you talk maybe you could try and keep up the momentum and express how important it is that things dont just slide back. Maybe once you have got your DH to agree to something just have complete zero tolerance every single time he breaks his promise or the new 'rules' or whatever. I tend to try and wear my DH or GBs down on one little thing at a time - whether it be hanging towels up or cups lying around or whatever. I sort of make it that they get absolutely so fed up of hearing about it or the consequences if they dont do it that they just give in on it for a quiet life. Then when established I move onto next thing. I know its hard though - it is so bloody hard.

Yes Bonsoir - I know what you mean - but I feel different at home - I hate him walking around with a towel round him aswell - I just find it so intrusive and inappropriate and I'm not a prude. I find the physical invasion of my space intrusive aswell though.

My DSSs are pretty modest these days - only DD gets to see them in the buff!

Admittedly I find it a lot easier to cope when I am alone in the apartment and, say, DSS1 pops back for a couple of hours in the middle of day between lessons and it's just him and me. We co-exist pretty happily then. Part of the problem is that when there are five of us here (four of whom are adult sized, with commensurate appetites, manufacture of laundry etc) it all feels a bit small. DD and I are very used to spreading out and when three very large males are added to the mix our girly boudoir feels more like a gorilla enclosure.

I'm not overly bothered about privacy in that way as my step children are still quite young and the teenagers are both girls anyway.

What does annoy me is that the little one will literally follow me from room to room and sit outside the bathroom door and talk shout through it. Add into that the shouting and general loudness from the boys and I don't get a minutes peace.

I like my peace and told OH so last night and I said "you don't understand that some people want to be alone do you?" He admitted he thought it was very odd.

I was interested to read the comments about intrusion/personal space. If my stepson is anywhere on the premises (other than his own bedroom, or husband's bathroom) I find it intrusive. Thankfully he rarely comes into our bedroom, but it feels like a total violation, and I hate it.

The worst intrusion occurs if I get home from work to find that he's already arrived at our house. I can guarantee he'll be in the lounge watching TV, and I detest his presence.

This thread makes me feel a bit sad. My ex husband has recently remarried and my teen sons (who hardly smell at all ) are finding it very difficult to feel at home at his house at all (apparently his new wife complains constantly about their messiness in their rooms). It's none of my business how fussy she is but it's very difficult when my sons return home saying they are not going to visit their father again. They scarcely go as it is, I would have thought she could tolerate their infrequent and brief visits. But I see from this thread, that it probably is never going to improve and they probably aren't really that welcome there.

Emotionally, I feel I'm left to pick up the pieces when they aren't my pieces to pick up.

Sigh.

Petal - under what circumstances does your ss go in your bedroom. I made ours a complete private no go area. There is no need whatsoever for anyone to go into a couples bedroom - any other adult that is. My DH used to send him up to get something out of our room etc when we moved in and we just had a massive row one day along the lines of - ffs can I not just have one corner of this house that we jointly own that is exclusive to you and me - I mean its our bedroom ffs. Also he used to wander upstairs starting a conversation with his dad while still on the way up the stairs and his dad would answer him from our bedroom so he would carry on coming up. It would be about football results or something equally mundane that could have waited till his dad was downstairs. I had a go at SS about it and he said in a right mardy voice - 'You cant stop me talking to my dad' - I said 'no when its something urgent or the house is on fire or whatever fine - but when he is in our bedroom with me then you wait - you do not have to talk about football or whatever to your dad when we are in our bedroom he is out of bounds understood ? unless its an emergency or urgent'.

Ooh I was vexed.

Swedes1 - obviously it is very difficult if your DSs don't want to see their father because they cannot find a modus vivendi with their new stepmother.

Does their father see them independently too? My DSSs and I do get on pretty well (despite me finding them rather large these days) but I think it is vital that DP sees them independently - he has lunch with DSS2 at least once a week, and with DSS1 when DSS1 deigns him with his company . And they have odd trips away, an annual ski-ing week etc.

Bonsoir - Yes, I think that would be a very sensible solution. I feel unable to suggest it though on the basis that ex wives' ideas are pure evil.

You obviously cannot suggest it to your exH, but you could talk to your (quite grown up, I think) DSs about it, and they could ask their father whether they couldn't have a nice civilised lunch in a restaurant en tête-à-tête from time to time, and a boys ski-ing or sailing or whatever holiday, just with him.

Bonsoir Thanks, that's a good idea.

Suda - thankfully he doesn't go into our bedroom very often, but he'll ocassionally follow DH into the room if they're talking. If I'm in the room at the time, I bristle with discomfort.

Swedes - I'm sorry if this thread makes you sad. But when you have to spend alternate weekends (or much more in some cases) with a person who's neither friend nor family, it's not much fun. Try to think how it would feel to have your mother-in-law following you round the house from Thur-Sun alternate weekends - not a nice thought!

In addition, many separated fathers morph into 'Disney Dads', treating their children like royal visitors, making normal domestic life very difficult. They tend to worship their children, instead of parenting them, showing extreme reverence, and expect their new wives/partners to do the same.

So you can see where the resentment stems from. Bring poor personal hygiene into the equation, and the whole set-up can be quite unpleasant.

I should make a big thing of it Petal if I were you - get accidentally on purpose in the middle of changing your top or something when you hear them coming. Then later on say to DH - 'would you mind not bringing DSS conversation into the bedroom - that was nearly embarrassing'. Or when you hear them coming quickly shut the bedroom door as if youre not decent or whatever and then feign that you were in a state of undress or whatever. Just makes the point as to why it should be discouraged really.

Another thing Swedes1 - there is a world of difference between a stepmother finding coexistence with her DSCs trying at times and a stepmother actively wanting to prevent a relationship between her DP/H and her DSCs. Your DSs' new stepmother may be full of goodwill towards your DSs, and towards their relationship with their father, and still find the going tough when sharing space with your boys . Not because they aren't lovely boys in every way - they just aren't hers. (and you wouldn't have it any other way!).