My own experiences

[theredhen]

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks.

I have been recalling my own childhood when I lived with my Mother (she was a widow) and my experiences of her boyfriends.

She had a number of boyfriends and although I was only 5/6 years old at the time, I can remember most of them very clearly.

I too was a single child of a single Mum (as my son is) and I remember the very strong feeling that most of these men just "put up" with me. Most of them completely ignored me, to be honest, and I wasn't particularly bothered.

I do remember one who used to play with me and taught me to play chess and generally made the effort. I recall my Mother telling me that when she dumped him, he told her that he was more fond of me than of her! If he had told me off, I would have had some respect for that man because I felt he was giving me something postive and therefore he was also entitled to give something "negative". I would have listened because I wanted his approval.

My mother had another boyfriend who probably did actually do a lot of things on a practical basis and a financial one for me but there was no bond there at all. I still remember very clearly crying at his dinner table because he insisted I eat the dinner he had cooked for me, (which I recall as being bloody awful, lol) and refused to let me leave the table until I had done so. I remember the resentment and hatred I felt for him and also for my Mother who allowed him to talk to me like dirt. I can remember he took great pleasure in wielding his power over me.

I want to have the relationship with my step children that the first boyfriend I mentioned had with me, I am very scared that OH is having the same relationship that the second boyfriend had with me with my son.

Hi Bea - thank you - and yes I think thats what I was trying to say about the adult male thing but you put it much better than me. My SS does this kind of strutting around the house thing that just sooo annoys me. Clicking his fingers and whistling or making loud clicking noises with his tongue IYKWIM and or humming. Its like he owns the place. I got flamed on here once for going on about it ( NPs flaming SPs - usual thing ) for daring to say - 'this is my house - jointly owned with DH'. Apparently thats irrelevant and its still his home and why shouldnt he be comfortable walking around it and be happy - whistling etc.

But it is soooooooooo not that. He only ever does this 'I am so comfortable here' routine when it is just me and him. Its so arrogant and he'll survey the room he's in while doing it - looking at any papers or documents etc on the side etc. then move onto the next thing along etc. Often he will open the oven door when I am cooking something or his dad is and his dads gone upstairs for example. Now this will be when he has had his meal or isnt having a meal with us and he knows full well that whatevers in the oven or on the hob is nothing whatsoever to do with him. But he'll pull oven door down and look in or even stir whatevers on the top and look in the pan.

Its as if its his house - like he owns the place. My daughter says she would challenge him - every - single - time , - 'What are you looking for GC?' or 'Thats just me and your dads tea thats cooking !' or 'Get your mitts out etc people have to eat that'.

Suda - it seems quite clear to me that your SS only behaves like this to wind you up. He knows darn fine that he's "fire-proof" (ie your husband lets him get away with murder), he also knows this drives you up the wall, so he parades around like this, just to ensure you're absolutely clear about his supremacy.

I had a pretty grim weekend. SS spent nearly all weekend glued to the sofa, so I had to retreat upstairs to get away from him, which always makes my husband really cross. However SS smelt worse than normal this weekend, and even when he had a bath, it didn't improve, so I can only assume it's his clothes. DH and I really need to discuss this - he really can't expect me to sit watching TV with an un-washed 16yr old all sodding weekend. It's a huge fly in the ointment of an otherwise lovely life. It doesn't matter how smelly and lethargic SS is, it's me who ends up in the doghouse if I object or retreat in any way.

Yes I know but they just will insist on taking it as all part of the vendetta that we apparently have against their 'child'. My DH cooked me a light tea the other day- had been picking all day - so just had a poached egg on waffle. He was cooking HWSBMs - something different to his own tea and I wasnt going to have any. But as he kept asking me I finally relented and said I'll just have a snack but I'll do it myself - 'otherwise that means you're cooking 3 different meals !' He insisted so I told him what I wanted and he cooked me egg on waffle - just one egg one waffle so was on a side plate.

Guess who went in kitchen just as mine was ready and DH got him to carry mine into room
. He walked in with his thumb on top of plate in middle - nearly touching the waffle - and his fingers underneath the plate. In his other hand he had my knife and fork - holding the eating end of fork and blade end of knife and offering me handles.

Couldnt eat it - just said still felt ill (had a bug)

Realise that sounds pathetic but if you saw/smelt state of his room and smelt the urine smell on the curtain into his en-suite - he doesnt wash his hands obviously after using toilet - you might understand.

OOOOHHHH god! Suda my ss is like this and I feel for you. He does nothing and will be 19 in march. Literally walks round like he owns the place even though dp and I pay for everything. He does not work or pay or clean the house and its a constant battle between me and dp to discipline him. I said he will still be living here when he is 40 and I cant stand that thought!!!I know it sounds awful but I have really tried. He just sits and does nothing and I resent that as a fulltime student and braking my back earning money to pay for him to sit. Every time I challenge dp I am made out to be big bad stepmum who bitches about his son. Last week he did nothing. He took his driving test again for third time and passed. I tried to be pleased and even sent him a text congratulating him. later that evening I said to dp what has ss done today in the house? and he was like hes celebrating as he passed. Its always an excuse he gives. I know he is pleased but he has done nothing all week. I said to dp YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. By not giving him boundaries or rules but expect my kids to adhere to rules. Its almost like there are three in this relationship and we must bow down to him. Whereas I believe he must respect us and this house whilst living here. I recently blew my top as ss punched hole in the wardrobe and my dp would not say anything so i went mad and he stood there smiling and said that I had an attitude!!!! AHHHHH sorry to hijack the post its just disney dads do my head in. I dont blame the child I blame the parent for not giving boundaries and rules. Of course the boy is not going to respect him if he acts like his mate all the time. And when we argue about ss (everyday) i just get branded as bitching about him no matter how much reverse sych i do) I have even tried disconnecting and ignoring it but ss behaviour is worse as dp says nothing then as I am not there challenging. Before I was on the scene dp would sit in his room while ss and friends took over living room. FFS!!!! He says to me that all his kids (4 in total) have been taken away from him and he is the only child living with him and does not want to lose him. So if ss leaves one day it will of course be my fault for not letting him get away with murder. Flipping double standards.

I am that Mother who has had a couple of partners that didn't work out before I met the one that did. (Previous partners didn't live with us, fortunately.)

I can honestly say that you have to get to know a new partner enough BEFORE there's contact with DC to work out whether or not they are willing to invest time in building a relationship with the DC. This is the crucial key as to how and whether they can discipline them (and whether or not they have the intelligence to realise that it's possible to discipline without bullying.)

The 'incoming' step-parent has to feel they have rights to balance out their sense of responsibility. The biological parent needs to gradually step aside the more trust grows so that the new partner can resolve little niggles with DCs without feeling like they're constantly on probation (which makes it very pressurised and difficult). I have to admit, I found the stepping aside very hard, but continued to observe from a discreet distance. If something huge happened, we ended up discussing it and sorting out as best we could between the adults first, then the child. I always made sure DC and I had time alone where we could talk about anything, so our relationship remained completely secure.

You really can't mastermind and engineer a relationship between two people, and control the emotions that develop as a result of it. You can gradually step back as things seem to positively strengthen. More than that (I'm thinking love here) is a huge bonus, and not something to be expected. Unrealistic expectations create disappointment, IMHO.

Someone trustworthy investing positive time and attention in your child is wonderful, I think, and can give your child a positive role model that can only strengthen their self esteem and how they see the world. I was always grateful for that.

Admittedly, this was all much easier because DC was young. I think if you're all living under one roof there have to be age-appropriate rules that are the same for all DCs.

It is typical for some teenagers to want lots of rights and far fewer (or no!) responsibilities.

It is daft to think that if you let your child run riot that they'll love you more. I think they'll just have far less respect for you. I don't think shouting or corporal punishment/boot camp is the answer either! But I do think there have to be the same rules/responsibilities for all DCs, otherwise there will be justified resentments and isolation.

Another thought re teenagers! If they were to live in a house share (where they really would have the right to slope round the place, doing naff all and treating it as a doss house in some ways) then would they expect to be able to do that for free? No! They'd be paying rent, and if there was a collective decision that some cleaning had to be done, the responsibilities would be shared, surely.. Abip, at the risk of hijacking the threat (sorry, OP), I don't think you should 'have' to put up with this. Clearly, your partner doesn't have anymore respect for you than his son does atm. You're being undermined.

In our house, we do often fall out about the whole step-parenting thing (v different parenting styles) but we do thrash it out after DCs are in bed/out and eventually, most of the time, end up hearing each other and working out a compromise.

Does your partner treat his own mother with such a lack of respect? Was he like this as a teen? What kind of an example is he being?? (See, I'm seething for you!)

Hi mm. No dp was not a waster as a teenager and has always worked hard. But he does not parent him. Honestly its like having a two year old that you have to praise when he is 'good' but say nothing when he is bad to encourage him? But it does not wokr!!! they still need boundaries and rules no matter what age they are whilst under someone elses roof!! Feel sorry for op as we have the same struggles. And my dp says dsd can hoover. She is 8 and she does hoover and does more than his son. Double standards. Dp has never encouraged him as a teenager to get a job even part-time whilst at school. (Funnily enough other son who lives with mum is 16 works and at college so its definately the parenting. We have to praise him like a two year old when he does good but ignore it when he is bad? no matter what age children need boundaries as long as they are under their poarents roofs at 2 or 50!!!!

sorry repetitve post !!

I believe when you truly and unselfishly love your children, you are almost programmed to want the best for them, to want them to grow into well rounded individuals. When you love a child unselfishly, you will teach them the right way and guide them to be the responsible, decent person you want them to be. This involves positivity, fun, quality time AND boundaries and discipline.

Parents who are selfish or who have low self esteem and have children for their own needs, don't want to discipline or supply boundaries because they fear they may lose the children. They still want the children to grow up into well rounded individuals but somehow pass on that responsibility to the child and the child alone. Any caring parent shares that responsibility with the child.

I am making myself ill with worrying about my life as a step parent and my relationship and how OH relates to DP.

I think I am sinking into depression at the lack of control I feel I have in my life. My son is so exhausted he can't function normally (DSC deprive him of sleep).

I put on a smile and "get on with it" for the sake of my DS and because I feel there is no point in talking with DP who just retaliates verbally whenever I try and raise a point.

Do you know EXACTLY the same scenario happened with one of DP's children this weekend as did with my son last weekend and DP's tolerance level was ten times higher with his own son and he was a hundred times less angry. A 30 second moan by my son about something simple was met with seething anger from my OH. His own son ranted about EXACTLY the same thing for over 5 mins and yet I saw no anger at all in my OH. Loads of other things happened this weekend and if my son had behaved in any way like OH's youngest kids, DS would have been the devil child in OH's eyes. I am so on edge, terrified that DS will do something ever so slightly wrong, that I am feeling I want him to be the other side of the house to me and OH because I want to protect him from OH and his negativity towards him.

I know my OH loves me, but I can't live like this anymore, but I am so drained.

Redhen, the only opinion I can give you is the same opinion everyone tells me. Its not fair on the child as they will be affected. I feel torn between doing what my gut says and doing whats best for the children. I was a single mother BUT had control, my own home and rules. Now I live with my partner in HIS home and have no rules and boundaries for hs son. I feel miserable and drained and actually rather miss and mourn my old house and life with my happy children who are not used as mud to throw at me. In my own opinion for my circumstances I actually feel ashamed for staying in this situation and inflicting this on my children, but I only do it in the hope that things will change but I doubt it. You may end up feeling resentful towards your OH and DSC's which is something I am starting to feel. I dont know if any of this helps, but this is my experience at the moment and I know that it is very helpful coming on here and realising you are not alone and not going mad !

Abip,

It means a lot to know I am not alone in what I am feeling.

Thank you.

Redhen - I really really feel your pain. I know all these negative vibes and chemicals flying round my body are making me ill and I fear I am getting depressed sometimes. But when it is your home life how do you detach yourself from it - you just cant obviously. You have the added pain of feeling constantly that your little boy is in need of protection from your DH and his negativity and hostility towards him (would you say? - sorry if thats not the case but to have seething anger towards him compared to no reaction with his own kids seems hostile to me)

I think our DHs sound similiar aswell. My DH is impossible to argue with about something he doesnt want to even discuss - usually our domestic arrangement and its problems. Because we have argued about it so many times and its descended into a slanging match he is now so super-sensitised to even the friendliest attempt to bring it up and just cuts me dead. Refuses to discuss it - gets really angry if I attempt to reason with him that we need to discuss it.

Whereas yours starts to villify your son when you bring it up - mine deflects any discussion by villifying me with same old crap about me just on his sons case again because I have it in for him.

I dont know what to suggest REDHEN - I too am at end of my rope - but hopefully my situation will resolve in a few years or less - cross everything for me - despite my DHs ridiculous statement that SS can stay indefinitely. Your situation because of the age of your son cant really just be hopefully left to go away !!

I think we both sadly have to ask ourselves how much we love these men before we decide what to do. The thought of losing my DH fills me with dread - he is the man of my dreams apart from this one issue - but can I see myself still living like this in 2 years , 5 years - absolutely not. I wouldnt even consider an ultimatum either - my DH would not bow to one - I know he wouldnt and I would lose IMO.

Do you think you could talk to your DH Redhen - give him an ultimatum - not an aggressive one but just that you fear you will have no choice but to split if things dont change ? Would that shock him into maybe realising ? You see the thing is with this carrying on regardless as if nothing is wrong - which I do aswell - is that our DHs dont realise how bad we feel so they just carry on regardless with their dedtructive behaviour to our relationship.

Is there anyone neutral your DH respects - a family member or friend who your DH might listen to - Ive thought of enlisting my DHs oldest son who I get on great with and who can see the ludicrousness of the situation and yet my DH knows he does love his younger brother so he would maybe not leap straight into defence mode with him IYSWIM. Or a female lifetime friend of my DH - who also is not a threat to his boy yet whose opinion DH values - she can see whats happening also.
I know my DH would absolutely no way consider counselling - would laugh me off the park - hates all that stuff and he's very private person. But maybe this is a possibility for you.

Sorry if Ive dragged you down further REDHEN but I am thinking about you and I really hope we both get our bit of light at end of tunnel.

And you also Abip - in fact light at end of tunnel all round - is my Xmas wish for everybody struggling with all this blended, step or whatever else you wanna call it nonsense !!

Thanks Suda,

He knows I'm not happy. I told him this morning I think I am getting depressed. To top it all I think my cat will have to be put down tonight - a symbol of mine and DS's life together which will be gone. Next pet will be everyone elses and to be honest, I feel I share quite enough of my life as it is. I'm sorry for feeling like that, but I do.

I can talk to him, explain how I feel, tell him how unhappy I am and he will bite his tongue around DS for a few weeks or months and then it will start again. He can't help how he feels and I really wish he would just admit it instead of trying to blame a child or me. If he can't like my son now, god knows what he will be like when he's a smelly, moody adolescent. I can't not allow my son to be himself in his own home. I actually feel like I want to tell my son not to talk or breathe around OH, obviously I don't do that but that's how I feel inside, to keep the peace.

Sometimes I want to scream at him to discipline his own kids instead of letting them run riot. If I dare to suggest that maybe we could have some rules, he begrudgingly agrees and then lets things carry on as they always have because that's "what he does with his kids." While DS has to live by another book of rules.

My DS can't even have a normal existence when he's not with DSC because he is so drained and takes days to recover. the whole world revolves around his kids!

I don't even feel like I have a home anymore, I'm just living in OH's and his kids home. My home has tenants living in it and I want it back.

I am going to try and talk to him, but at least on here, i can say what I really feel, I can just let it flow without having to worry about how to word things sensitively. I'm too tired for all that at the moment anyway.

I don't think I could get anyone neutral to talk to him. It's either his family or my friends and I think both would probably side with the appropriate party. People often say to me that I'm mad for taking on someone with 4 kids and I do wonder if anyone says the same to him?

Financially i am better off and practically I am better off, OH is generous and kind and would do anything to help me, but ultimately he doesn't like my son, doesn't treat him fairly and then heaps 4 kids on me without giving me any say when and how and then wonders why I'm not happy? running errands and paying for meals out does not equate to my happiness. Maybe I expect too much, maybe I blow things out of proportion, maybe I'm too sensitive, but I do know that I'm so damn miserable in this life and I'm feeling helpless to do anything about it.

This sounds crazy but have you thought of maybe leaving the computer on this page so he can actually see how you feel and what others opinions are? Sometimes thats how I feel as my DP suggests I am unreasonable and I want to say 'see what others think it's not just me going mad' I dont know whether I would as I do feel like this place is a sanctuary to say exactly as I feel and I do feel a little better after ranting on here that my life is bollocks. I have tried sitting there being calm and explaining exactly what I feel and it gets me nowhere, he nods, and like you say improves for a couple of weeks and sinks back to a battle. If we discuss our situation with DSS amongst friends he gets angry and offended as they all say its not on. In his words 'I dont want people knowing about our private life' BECAUSE ITS RIDICULOUS and as someone else suggested on this thread (apologies cant remember who) I think they actually know they are doing it and its a protection thing to let their kids run riot because heaven forbid the child feels unloved being merely given rules and made to feel like apparently not wanted and go live with the other parent. So therefore lets not discipline??? All that is fine but not to have rules for his and rules for yours is bollocks !!! What do you think you will do out of interest? what options do you have?

I have thought of leaving the computer open on this page, but to be honest, I like having a place to rant especially as I can't always get to speak to my friends as I'm always surrounded by OH, or his kids.

This has become a bit of a haven for me.

i absolutely agree that if OH doesn't want to talk to anyone else about it, I suggest it's because he knows that there is something wrong.

I have my faults and some of the reason it's not working is because I am struggling with 4 kids. BUT if I had some say in when they come and when they go, if I had some say in what they do when they are here, if I had the freedom and ability (without OH being jealous) to go out on my own or with DS, then I think it could work albeit it would be hard work.

He thinks he has rules for his kids, but he doesn't. They aren't made to do anything. They're supposed to go to bed at 9pm, but they just "go upstairs". No-one (apart from me) makes them go to sleep. There are so, so many more examples and I can't believe I have to point out such basic things as not letting them play on computer games at 6am or not eat a bar of chocolate 30 mins before dinner. Should I really have to be the one to remind OH that these are really fairly basic rules or maybe I'm such a stickler for regime but then if I am why is OH saying I am soft on DS?

My options are to talk about it and try and get through it. Not holding out much hope for this one.

To move back to my old house and carry on the relationship. I don't think this will work as OH wants the little "wifey" at home. Can't be alone for 5 mins.

to move back to my old house and split up. I don't want to. I do love him, he has lots of good qualities but I also have to face up to the fact that I can't go on like this forever.

Of course he wants little wifey at home - if you weren't there he would have to look after his DC's himself and prob wouldn;t be able to have them over so much.

I'm so sad for you redhen and I really don;t know what I would do in your shoes.

You are trying to make your home a happy place to live by having basic rules that apply to everyone and keep the house running more smoothly but your DH is not prepared to apply those rules to his own DC's.

Ultimately you have to do what is best for you and your son. You say that you don't think the relationship would work if you moved out but if your relationship depends on you being there to keep house for him then it's not an equal and loving relationship anyway.

If you decide that you want to move out for the sake of your DS and your own sanity then his reaction to that is outside of your comtrol and you are not responsible for it. If it causes him to give up on the relationship then do you really think it was worth enough anyway?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I hate to see the way you are taking all the responsibility for keeping everything going. He needs to make some changes to make things easier for you. You have made an enormous space in your life for him and his 4 children but he's not doing the same for you.

He would still have his kids lots - he always did. Do you know I have the feeling I don't make much difference to him or to them, but perhaps that is my lack of self esteem? When I was really ill one morning I heard him telling his children to behave because he was on his own and he needed them to be good. That brought it home to me that perhaps I do make a difference!

He does try and put rules into place but it's only when I mention something and I feel like I am always pointing out things that I think are fairly basic parenting. Then I wonder if I am too strict or rigid? But like I say, then why would he say I am soft on DS if I am too strict?

I know he loves me and wants me to be happy but he doesn't see how he can do any more. He runs errands and helps loads around the house, but it's not about that, it's about feeling like I have a home and I have a say. He says it's because I am so used to not having to share anything with anyone that I am finding it tough. I'm sure that has something to do with it.

There are 7 of us in this family and I feel that myself and DS are definetely 6th and 7th in the pecking order despite his protestations that we're all equal. Maybe I just can't get my head round being split in so many directions? I don't know.

Redhen, I really feel for you. Is it likely he would agree to you having a say over when his children arrive/depart, if you pointed out it make you feel more in control?

I really don't know how to advise you, I just wanted to send you some moral support, and hope it helps that we understand your frustration.

There are just too many children in the equation - he's damn lucky to have you, I wish he could see that.

Just a thought - the odd random deranged one does float across my troubled mind.

I was sat here trying to figure out why your DH seems to have such a problem with your one son when you have taken on board all four of his ! Why should he feel so strongly about one more little boy in your home. Do you think it is at all possible - and sorry if this makes depressing reading but I often think understanding something is the first step to resolving it - that your DH resents your sons presence even subconsciously because he is the only one present when his children have gone back. From his point of view its maybe a case of have had all my kids here and its been chaos and I've really enjoyed having them but I look forward to when its just me and Redhen and the peace - but then its not is it.

Just a thought - maybe he wishes they could all go away for a few days and feels he's earned some cosy you and him time after his have gone back so feels a bit resentful or jealous because he always has to share you. Maybe thats where it comes from ? Am not suggesting for one minute that is justified or right way to feel - it absolutely isnt but this resentment of one little boy vs 4 has got to come from somewhere ?

That's a very insightful suggestion Suda, you may have hit on something there.

Thank you Petal. Reason I thought of it is this. You know all about my GBs living here and how I feel about that. Well one day last summer my DS and my two DGDs had been to stay for a week and it was lovely to have them here but you know that sort of mixed feeling when theyre gone and you sort of slump in the chair and its sad but bit of a relief aswell cos it was pandemonium here. Well I felt like that and I have never struggled so much with HWSBM coming in when he did so later on. I remember just so resenting his presence - it was bad enough missing my DGDs and son so much and the house seemed so empty - but I couldnt even enjoy the peace and quiet and it just being me and DH because of 'you know who'.

Maybe also OPs DH on some subconscious level also feels aggrieved in same way. Basically its hard when you are missing your own and someone elses is there - it doesnt seem fair somehow. ??