My own experiences

[theredhen]

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few weeks.

I have been recalling my own childhood when I lived with my Mother (she was a widow) and my experiences of her boyfriends.

She had a number of boyfriends and although I was only 5/6 years old at the time, I can remember most of them very clearly.

I too was a single child of a single Mum (as my son is) and I remember the very strong feeling that most of these men just "put up" with me. Most of them completely ignored me, to be honest, and I wasn't particularly bothered.

I do remember one who used to play with me and taught me to play chess and generally made the effort. I recall my Mother telling me that when she dumped him, he told her that he was more fond of me than of her! If he had told me off, I would have had some respect for that man because I felt he was giving me something postive and therefore he was also entitled to give something "negative". I would have listened because I wanted his approval.

My mother had another boyfriend who probably did actually do a lot of things on a practical basis and a financial one for me but there was no bond there at all. I still remember very clearly crying at his dinner table because he insisted I eat the dinner he had cooked for me, (which I recall as being bloody awful, lol) and refused to let me leave the table until I had done so. I remember the resentment and hatred I felt for him and also for my Mother who allowed him to talk to me like dirt. I can remember he took great pleasure in wielding his power over me.

I want to have the relationship with my step children that the first boyfriend I mentioned had with me, I am very scared that OH is having the same relationship that the second boyfriend had with me with my son.

Petal02 But they aren't "neither friend nor family" are they? They are your husband's children, and presumably you knew about his responsibilities before you decided to share a life with him?

It's quite easy to share responsibility for bringing up DSCs, IMO - you can be a responsible co-parent, ensuring the house is run like clockwork with nutritious meals, sport at weekends, cultural outings etc and take pleasure in it. But you cannot partake of intimacy with your DSCs unless you have known them when they were very young indeed - and that is where sharing physical proximity for extended periods becomes problematic, even to the best intentioned.

Bonsoir is spot-on with her observations. I don't think any of us wish to deny our partners a relationship with their children, however despite the best intentions, we find it very difficult to co-exist, simply because they are NOT our children. If some random bloke from the next street plonked himself on your sofa, or decided to use your bathroom, you'd feel uncomfortable. It's nothing more than that.

As regards the old chestnut 'you knew what you were taking on when you met a man with children' - yes, we all knew that, but 99% of us had no idea how damn difficult it would be. I grew up in a step-family, so assumed I would cope OK with a stepson, but I was so wrong.

Bonsoir is also right about the intimacy. If I'd known SS when he was small, I'd probably feel differently. But having to share my living space with a 16yr old male that I'm not related to, is quite toe-curling.

I went into this with the very best intentions, but if I'd known what I know now, I may have suggested that husband and I bought two smaller houses next door to each other (rather than one larger one) to give me some separation from his son. I can only stick this out because I love my husband so much.

This forum has been a godsend, cos I thought I was the only one who found step-parenting difficult.

I actually managed a brief chat with OH last night about the difference in his dealing with EXACTLY the same situation (albeit his son whinged and moaned a LOT more than my son did) but with different children, one being mine, one being his. I asked him if he noticed that the tolerance he had for his own son in the same situation was ten times more than for my son?

He said he hadn't noticed any difference and didn't psycho analysise everything like I do!

How can this situation get any better if he refuses to look at himself? He just wants to carry on critisising and being overly negative to my son and letting his own kids get away with murder and then tell me that I think too much. Hmmmmm...

Redhen, I don't believe for one minute that your partner 'hasn't noticed' the difference in how he treats his son and your son. He clearly views his son as a blessing and yours as an irritation - a bad case of bio-blinkers.

It is far easier for your DP to deny there is an issue, than it is to admit it, and then deal with it.

Yes, I think that is it.

He wants to brush it all under the carpet and hope I will shut up about it and it will all go away. I really don't want to threaten him with leaving, but I do want him to work with me on this. I can't change him and if he doesn't change - we will split up.

I'm going to have to keep trying to get him to talk and keep watching to see if he changes. We've got kids a LOT over Xmas so it could make for an interesting time.

I know other stepmothers of teenaged boys in RL and clearly it is much harder to co-exist the later in life you have met them. Very hard indeed to forge a relationship when they are already in their teens.

I am very glad that I knew my DSSs when they were primary-school aged, and that there was a period when we had three children in our family and could treat them as such, rather than the current situation where we have one fully-fledged teen, one on the cusp of teenage, and one primary-aged child, for whom very different rules and boundaries apply.

And there is goodwill towards me on the part of my DSSs because I have done lots for them over the years, and they know it, and they know they can count on me to defend their interests if need be. How would it be if there weren't that goodwill? I hate to think, and that's why I have extreme sympathy for stepmothers who meet their DSCs as teens.

.... and sympathy for the teens who meet their step-parents as teens?

It's ironic that some of you seem to behave exactly like teens in order to protest being invaded by teens.

My very lovely DH resolved to never tell off my sons and although that has sometimes meant me feeling like a lone parent, it has produced a very happy step-family arrangement. I would lose a huge dollop of respect for him if he ever engaged in petty behaviour towards my sons.

Is it possible your behaviour compels the father into the biological default position of defending and protecting his young? If you managed neutral ambivalence and a dollop of humour, you would probably find that relationships between everybody were much better. Nobody requires you to love them actually, but being kind to them is the bare minimum.

Redhen, you will indeed be in my thoughts over the next few days (as will Suda). I really hope you manage to make some progress with this.

Bonsoir - absoutely right about the age at when you meet the step children. SS was 11 when I met his father. DH had been apart from his ex two years at this point, by which time the access rota was established, Disney practices were fully in place, and I'm not sure who was the most clingy, DH or SS. But when you arrive into that situation, you're the one who has to adapt, because the previously described behaviours have become ingrained and are practically impossible to influence.

But I totally agree with the poster who commented there's a world of difference between finding it difficult, and trying to stop the parent/child relationship. I really want to try and tweak some of our 'routines' in 2011, as SS will be nearly 17, and I need to impress upon DH that I'm not trying to stop him seeing his son, but given his age, we need to find a more 'adult' and less 'infantile' way of maintaining their relationship.

Swedes1 - that is very enlightening. If your DH has never reined in your DSs, they are quite unused to having an effective stepparent - which might explain some of the tensions with their new stepmother.

Bonsoir - well maybe that's right. But they are v firm friends. They already have a father and a mother, they don't need any more parents. They benefit from sharing their life with an interested and supportive adult who is non-judgmental and non-authoritarian more than they would a third pseudo parent telling them which rooms they can and can't enter.

Swedes1 - your DSs new stepmother has every right to run her home according to her habits and in accordance with her DH, rather than in accordance with the habits of your sons. Your DSs are obviously finding that hard to get used to, and probably their new stepmother feels that she is being very accommodating too!

I am more accommodating of my DSs in some areas than I am of DD, because I don't want to hurt their feelings and they have habits gained at their mother's house that, while I don't like them, I don't think it is worth having a disagreement over. Interestingly, my DSSs don't dispute that that is the case - they are intellectually and emotionally honest and aware enough to recognise that, and we can all have a laugh about it.

DSSs

Teenagers are often messy and inconvenient in their own homes too you know.

My DS1 is superneat and tidy -- it's extremely odd that my exH's new wife should complain about him. DS2 is fairly chaotic (he's a creative type ) so maybe her complaints are a fair cop. Though he is very willing and helpful, if asked. They don't eat or drink in their rooms or anything like that. They are both well-mannered and non-hostile. She isn't going to be able to change them, any more than I would be able to change them: that is not at all. I would like DS2 to not leave his damp towel on his bed. I've been telling him for about 3 years that he should hang it on the towel rail in the bathroom or pop it in the laundry bin but but he sometimes forgets because it's not important to him.

Swedes,

I totally agree with your point about the children not needing another "parent". However, when there are 2 sets of children trying to "blend" that is where there can be problems because there are 2 completely different sets of rules for the children and this is indeed why I am struggling a lot of the time.

I have no problem in being left alone to parent my DS and I don't particularly want to parent DSC except for being a good role model and responsible adult in their lives. I want to enjoy their company not constantly feel that I have to worry about the repercussions of DP letting them do things that DS would never be allowed to do by either myself or DP. I respect my DP and his needs and bring my DS up to do the same.

When there is only one step child or step children on one side of the relationship, I think problems occur when step parents feel their needs are completely sidelined and they are almost made to feel that their home is not their own because the natural parent will not respect their needs and parent their children accordingly. I think teaching children respect for the other adults in their lives is really important and is not the job of the step parent as it just doesn't work. Nearly everything I read in the ways of gripes of step parents are nearly always because the natural parent won't parent their own child properly.

Redhen, you make two excellent points. I frequently feel that my home is not my own, because DH doesn't parent his son in the slightest, so SS simply behaves as any 16yr old boy would, when allowed to do as he pleases. There's nothing odd about his behaviour, however most bio parents give their teenagers regular kicks up the backside to enable them to grow into adults. I don't expect any 16yr old to behave like a sophisticated adult, but I do expect my DH to challenge skanky behaviour, surely its the only way he'll learn?

Last night was a good example - I'd just done the Christmas food shopping, and packed it all away into the fridge/cupboards. SS proceeded to try and unpack it all, so that he could see what I'd bought. I expect a good few teenagers would do the same, however 'normal' parents would yell at them to 'pack it in and leave the stuff alone' whereas last night it was me getting annoyed, and DH saying 'he's not doing any harm.' Which backs up your second point. When I was 16, I'd have got a tea-towel round the bag of my legs if I'd started re-arranging the fridge!

And of course, none of the above enhances my relationship with SS.

In the situation you gave in your post Petal, I have thought about it and can honestly say I would be glad if my DS helped me with the shopping unpacking and likewise if it was DSD2. The others would ransack the bags and run off with what they wanted without asking and that would annoy me a lot, so I'd rather they didn't come near me.

DP may well say that the others are doing the same thing as DS and DSD2 but their attitude would be completely different.

But if my child ransacked the bags like DP's would, I would pull him up on it and remind him who bought the food and that he is to ask before taking anything. I would then insist he come and unpack things nicely. I can't do that with step children, so I'd rather they just kept away in that instance.

Petal - Sounds as though he was just looking in the fridge and cupboard, seeing what delicious things you bought to eat for Christmas. Teenager rummages in fridge is a non event. Is it possible your relationship has reached crisis point, where his mere presence irritates you?

You can't change your step-children. You can only change the way you react to their behaviour. Perhaps that's why it's so frustrating? Because it's you that has to do all the accommodating? The other protagonists (bio parents, and the children themselves) don't have to flex very much at all.

It wasn't a huge issue, but it was rather annoying to have put all the shopping carefully into the fridge/cupboard, only for SS to start taking it all out again - and of course DH couldn't see a problem. But it does illustrate how step-parents are powerless to administer even minor discipline, and how Disney Dads wouldn't even consider it.

Which reminds me that on one occasion when he followed DH into our bedroom, he picked up my hairdryer and started fiddling with it. I told him to put it down, and DH jumped in and said he wasn't doing any harm. Again, only a minor thing, but totally infuriating.

Petal,

You sound like you feel you have no say and no voice about things that affect you. The hairdryer and shopping incidents really aren't big deals at all, but it sounds like little things like this just get magnified because you feel so powerless. I get the impression you just want OH to allow you to feel that you have some control by backing you up and respecting your feelings and right to privacy.

You're right Redhen. I can't say anything even remotely critical, without DH jumping in and over-ruling me. Rather like coming home to find SS in his bedroom, having left nearly every light in the house on, I asked "do we need to have all these lights on?", DH tells me to calm down. At approx 6pm one June evening, SS walks into the lounge and starts to close the curtains. I ask him what on earth he's doing, and of course DH says he's not doing any harm.

I've said this before, but the only role available to me, is that of a doting bystander. I'm not a proper step-parent, as I'm not allowed to do any parenting. We don't do parenting in this house, only pacifying, smoothing over, indulging and worshipping. It's not healthy.

"I am more accommodating of my DSs in some areas than I am of DD, because I don't want to hurt their feelings and they have habits gained at their mother's house that, while I don't like them, I don't think it is worth having a disagreement over."

Sounds like very sensible step-parenting. Not looking to correct behaviour not quite meeting YOUR standards, standards which are, after all, nothing to do with your DP's children from his former marriage.

Have any of you got your stepchildren for Christmas?

We are all six here. The teens were meant to be going to their father's for New Year for several days. Neither really wants to go now.... irritating as DH and I could do with a break.

Swedes,

I've got step children for all but 2 days of the holidays - that's 7 of us in total. We do get 1 day without any children at all and 1 day with only 4 out of 5.

Petal02 - Perhaps you are being too hard on yourself? You aren't responsible for the behaviour of your step children. It's not in anybody's interests for you to take that on. You should step back a bit and free-wheel. Tut to yourself only to think "IF I was his mum/dad, I would hate him to do that". The curtains can be easily drawn/undrawn and lights switched on or off is no big deal compared with the happiness of your marriage and your sanity. Try not giving the DSS any of your headspace.