My stepdaughter hates me

[mumof2monsters]

I have been with DH for 12 years and married for 8. He and I were good friends who worked together. He was married to a nightmare woman who made his life hell. He had two girls who were 1 and 2 1/2. We had a one night stand when he was married but his marriage was over way before i come along and it is not something I am proud of.Now 12 years later we have a DS who is 9 and a DD who is 7. His girls live with their mum and we have always tried to see them as much as possible. We have had some issues in the past when DSDs have wanted some time with their dad on their own and we have done that. The girls have been coming to our home more regularly recently and we have always made them feel welcome.
Anyway we went off last week on a family holiday with DHs family and all the kids. Oldest DSD was quiet and sullen and basically there was some frostiness from her and then she declares to her dad and the family that she hates me. I try to hard to be her mum ( I have never done that) i am manipulative and she resents me and my kids and wishes I would go away, For the rest of the holiday she ignored me.
She has really hurt me and I am devestated by this news. DH and his family have been really supportive and have told her she has blown all the hard work I have done with her in the past. DH has told her she is not coming to our home for christmas as he does not want her to treat me this way and now we have a family holiday booked for next year with all the family again and i dont really want to spend another family holiday in this atmosphere again. She said so many hurtfull things about me and also many lies. What do i do because I do not want her to come into my home when i know she hates me and make that atmosphere for my kids. Please give me advice and sorry to ramble.

How old is your DSD?

Sounds to me like a fairly bog-standard teenager.

Well it's difficult because obviously her ideal life would be her mum and dad to still be together. No child is going to think that a stepfamily is better than a 'proper' family. She is probably full of a lot of resentment, and feels like her father has been taken away from her.

My parents got divorced a long time ago and are now with new partners who suit them so much better and who I like as people. But deep down I still really really wish they never got divorced. I felt like my father and I were separated and couldn't have our ideal relationship, even though I saw him loads. Subsequently I have always been very attracted to and developed relationships with father-figures. My father didn't have any more children after me but I suspect if he had I would have gone really off the rails about it and hated the new child for a long time (I hope I would have grown out of it). I remember being so glad that my stepmother couldn't have anymore children so that I knew I would always be his only little girl.

I don't really know what you can do. It's probably not you personally that she resents but the situation, and that's fair enough. You just can't expect a teenager to go 'Yay, a stepmother, just what I always wanted'. But it isn't acceptable for her to rant on at you, especially when it's not over one particular issue. It's not your fault. It's good that your DH has stuck on your side - I think most men would have been more bothered with trying to appease their children than worrying about their partner's feeling.

Sorry bit of a ramble!

I really feel for you and understand how much this must hurt but do you REALLY think that a little girl who is acting out at NINE years old should be told she has blown her relationship with you,will not be welcome with her dad at xmas time and miss out on more family holidays - your dh is expecting a lot from her.

Your op states that your dh ex was horrible - how do you know she isnt pulling the strings on this and you are playing straight into it. I know how it feels to not want the steps there and I know how miserable it can be so please dont think I am unsympathetic but we are talking about a clearly upset nine year old - she isnt a teenager, she isnt even near to one and treating her with the same level of understanding as an adult and expecting her to understand why her dad would do this is out and out wrong. He is fine to tell her her behaviour is unacceptable and find a way to punish her but cutting her out of part of her family is the sure fire way to give her genuine reason to hate you both and once one does, with girls in particular she will start on the younger one next.

also if mrs jammi comes on she will be able to help much more then i - my step kids are boys but she has a lot of experience with girls going into adolescense and how difficult it can be.

Thanks for your comments. Prettyfly1 my DSD is 15 not 9. My son is 9. I could understand a bit more if she were only 9.
I just dont understand tho how she can say she hates me but last week was happy to accept items of clothing from me and go on holiday.
It is not that we are cutting her out of the family but for the last three holidays we have been on she has done this to me and spoilt it for all of the rest of the family.
Also I could find it difficult to have her in my home at christmas where she would ignore me and give me daggers. Trouble is when this has occurred in the past (not as bad as this and no reason was given before) she has ranted and said things and expected me to take her apology and forget it but too many things have been said now and I find it hurtful. I have been in her life since she was two and because DH had nothing in the beginning I supported him and paid when we took the girls out. I am the one who buys their presents etc. I do not thing that it is fair on my two children to witness her being so horrible to me. I have always treated her fairly and never used the word half sister where my two children are concerned. Everything I do seems wrong.

I tend to disagree. It is respect. I know that I would not accept that behavior in front of my two small children. Why should everyone else suffer because of her behaviour. Yes I accept she is a teenager, but she is 15 and should act more grown up. Her father needs to sit down and speak to her and explain she is welcome for christmas but not if she is going to be rude and misbehave and upset everyone else. And if she stuffs it up then she has blown it for herself. I am sorry many of you may disagree but it is disgraceful for anyone child or adult to speak or treat anyone in this manner. It is down to respect and manners. My parents would have killed me if I spoke to either of their partners in that way at that age. Perhaps if your partner explains that if we have issues, the correct way to deal with them is talk in private and explain what the problem is to try and resolve it and not chuck her toys out of the pram like a toddler. (Obviously said in a grown up way and not patronising x x ) This is my opinion and I am aware not everyone will feel the same. Hope it helps x

Thanks Abip for your comments and I agree with you. She is 15 and I have been in her life for 12 years. All I have ever done is try and be her friend. She has confided in me at times but to be honest she can be a drama queen as there is always an issue with her and the only time she ever kicks off is infront of the whole family (inlaws etc) as this is when she has an audience.
She said that she hates me and I caused her parents to split. We have always been honest and answered any questions she may have and when they have visited us I have always made them feel welcome. However this is my home and I would not feel comfortable having her here knowing that she hates me and her being rude to me infront of my children....her brother and sister.
Whilst we were away when all this blew up she really said some horrid things and lies and made me really cry as I always thought we got on well. I had to try and explain to my 7 year old DD why her sister had upset her mummy.
She has been horrible to me on a few occassions but when we have tried to talk to her about it she has just said nothing is wrong and it has got brushed under the carpet. Now it is out in the open and cannot be brushed away.
Don't get me wrong I understand that she is a teenage girl but I do feel she should show me and her dad some respect. We take her on holiday which we like to do but don't really get any thanks for it. I understand that some of you may think my DH and I are wrong not to have her over christmas but I don't think I can bear a few days of her little digs and arguments as it is not fair on the family.
I agree with Abip that I would never have spoken to anyone like that at her age as I was taught to respect people especially elders. I am afraid that I cannot just ignore her behaviour like sparkly stockings said as this has been done in the past and just rears its ugly head again.
My DH's ex had a partner 8 years ago and they had a child and have since split. Having spoken to this partner who was the girls stepdad for several years she made his life difficult too.
I think maybe space is what is needed here and hopefully time will heal. At the moment she is plaing family members off against each other and I maybe some time out may make her see that you cannot treat people like that without reprecussions.
Many thanks for all your comments and support.x

You cannot allow her father to reject her over Christmas. I was OFTEN rude to my mother, I said some horrible things when I was 15, but I wasn't immediately ejected from the family home. You can't do that to children. It's NOT just your home, it is the children's father's home.

Act fast, because you're about to lose her for good.

I am not rejecting her from her home but can you honestly say that you want me to have her in the house for christmas when she is rude, walks out the room when I come in, makes everyone feel uncomfortable and has told blatant lies about me. Can you honestly say that is a good christmas environment for my two children her brother and sister to be in. Is that fair for them to spend their christmas in that way? She has said that she does not want to come to our home anyway. I have done so much for her and even in the past when she has been horrible I have never rejected her but now she is telling blatant lies about me. I accept she is 15 and I am sure I was not the nicest to my mother either but honestly answer me is this a good environment for two younger children to be in?

I think - deep breath - that because Christmas is such an emotionally charged and iconic family time, that it probably would make things (even) worse if she was banned from yours at that time. That's not to say however, that I don't sympathise immensely (having had to put up with similar hurtful insolence in my family, though thankfully not directed at me) and I do understand how you must dread what should be a special time spoilt by a horrid atmosphere.

However, notwithstanding the fact she's a "typical teenager" and that such behaviour isn't uncommon, I do think she should be disciplined when it occurs .... in exactly the same way as you'd discipline teenage children of your own. Being a certain age may make such behaviour more likely, but it doesn't make it right does it ? Suitable punishments obviously need to be worked out between you and DH, but teenager or not she needs to learn that there are consequences for being rude and nasty - even if it is Christmas ! You may find that in typical teenage drama queen style she may decline to come over anyway, in which case problem solved (for now) but unfortunately, I think this is one of those situations where you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If DH maintains she's not invited, you will no doubt get the blame for this as she's likely to tell other people how you've "pushed her out" and turned her dad "against her". The fact she's being completely hypocritical about it - slagging you off one minute, but still expecting to be welcomed with open arms - won't, unfortunately, cross the minds of many self centred teenagers.

To avoid that, I think you have to try and occupy the moral high ground and invite her even if it's through gritted teeth and you have to put on an Oscar winning performance when and if she arrives. There is of course a slim possibility that she might just get the Christmas spirit and behave decently anyway, but if she doesn't, like I said, any bad behaviour needs to be nipped in the bud straight away. Honestly - if she started, I'd want my DH to send her to her room and tell her that she could think about how hurtful she'd been while she's up there. If she started to argue back, he could tell her that he wasn't prepared to have his Christmas - and everyone else's - ruined any further, and that he'd speak to her tomorrow when she'd had time to reflect. That may sound harsh, and it might be for an isolated bit of "typical" teenage rudeness, but I don't think it is when this has become a regular occurence.

I really don't envy your position at all, and it's such a shame this has blown up comparatively recently when you've been in each other's lives for so long. Not that it justifies it, but is there anything else going on in her life which is worrying/upsetting her and causing her to take it out on you ?

Whether or not it is a good environment for your two younger children to be in, your husband canot be expected to reject one of his children for the sake of two of his other children.

If she lived with you full time, how would you handle this? Would you put her in care? I doubt it ... you'd discipline her, and this is what your husband needs to do.

Sorry but I think it's harsh to not have her for Christmas. I understand it will make life harder but she is her daughter's father and she should be with her family at Christmas.

her father's daughter

she is 15 [shrugs] sounds pretty typical to me - by being her stepmum she has built-in ammo for hormonal angst

I think you have to grin and bear it, as best you can.

She is young. However, I really loathe all of this "typical teenager" shite. My mum would NEVER have stood for all that! In her book, rudeness was just that; a lack of consideration for others WAS NOT TOLERATED and manners were expected. If you had nothing nice to say....don't say anything.

I think today, teens behave badly because we and the media says it's expected/allowable.

Your husband needs to sort this. Now.

I wouldn't have behaved like this as a teenager nor spoken to an adult in this way,
BUT my parents never split and my dad didn't have children with another woman.

Your DSD's behaviour cannot be compared with that of a teen who hasn't endured this.

She is your husband's child in just the same way as your two are. Try to imagine one of your children in her situation.

Colditz and sparkly stocking have good advice..

I disagree that teenagers from split homes should always get a "get out of jail free card" when it comes to bad behaviour. This girl's parents have been separated for at least 12 years, and whilst most kids would love to see their parents together in an ideal world, it does not give them carte blanche to behave badly without reaping the consequences. I accept that in some respect the sadness of your parents splitting never goes away, but to excuse this recent nastiness on the split detracts from the fact she is old enough to take responsibility for her actions. It might be different if the split was far more recent - and she understandably wanted to lash out.

My son is now 20, and had to "endure" his parents splitting up when he was 4. I felt - and still feel - desparately sad for him about that, but the alternative would have been for him to grow up in an environment which would have been emotionally unhealthy, with parents putting on an act and would probably have caused more damage in the long run. I have never allowed his status as a child from a broken home to excuse rotten behaviour, and nor has his dad, to his credit. Sadly, our son isn't a special case - there are 100s of 1000s of children in a similar position .... and plenty of other kids whose parents might still be together but whose life isn't ideal either, for all sorts of reasons. Life often sucks .... but bad behaviour should be taken at face value and dealt with accordingly (except in very extenuating circumstances).

How many times do you read on here about children needing boundaries ? If anything, when a child has split parents, they need those boundaries in place more than ever in order to feel secure, and that's why discipline is equally important whatever the child's family circumstances. Apart from anything it's about equipping the child for life in the big wide world when they become an adult ..... they will get several nasty surprises if they think the status of their parents' relationship is going to let them off the hook re: nasty behaviour at the workplace, in relationships and so on. Unfortunately though, there do seem to be a significant number of "split" children (going on my own experience, and that of other stepmums I know) who haven't been asked to take any responsibility for their behaviour - either because dad (usually) is too "scared" to discipline (in case contact breaks down) or too eager to be a Disney parent, and/or because mum (in some cases) undermines the dad's attempts at discipline as a way of "getting back" at her ex, and/or encourages bad behaviour at dad's house for similar reasons. In either scenario, the child is being done no favours at all by their parents.

Just for the record, had my son ever behaved like this towards his stepmum I'd have been angry and ashamed of him ... because he should be showing her more respect. Had he done so, I'd have supported his dad in disciplining him.

Thanks Catsmother for your advice. I love my DSD and have always done my best for her and as far as I am concerned treated her the same way as my two. For the record she does not want to come to us for christmas anyway. She does not like the fact that I ask her to do things ie: clean away her plate etc just the same as I do my two.

I think that her parents have been separated for a long time and the issue her is not completely me but the fact that she wants alone time with her dad which she does get. The biggest problems is that DH and I work shifs so sometimes although she comes to us and spends time with her dad her brother and sister are here too as I am working. She does however see her dad on her own and that is something that I have insisted on because I appreciate that she needs this. Her words to her father are that she just wishes that I would go away.

What hurts is that I have always done my best by her and at times have listened to her troubles and treated her in a semi adult way which she seemed to like. DH feels that she has said these things and needs to learn that sometimes you have to take the reprecussions of your actions just like an adult has to. Yes she is a teenager but she is old enought to realise when you do and dont say things.

I know some people on here think we are pushing her out as she is not coming to us for christmas but she keeps on doing this and I am just exopected to accept it even after her dad speaks to her and we think it is sorted. She and I agree on one thing at the moment which is both parties need some space. I am hoping she will realise how upsetting for everyone this all is.

If you've lived a blameless life Dittany and never done anything you regretted then well done you.

mumof2monsters has said that she is not proud of what she did but it was a long time ago and she shouldn't have to pay for it for the rest of her life. It sounds as though she has made a considerable and continued effort over many years to build a relationship with her DSD and is now having that thrown back in her face. Her DSD does not have to like her or think well of her but she does have to be civil to her in her own home. It is not doing her any favours to be allowed to treat someone like this.

I don't know what the answer is about christmas. I would say her dad needs to speak to her and say that you would all like her to come but she has to behave properly.
She really shouldn't be able to spoil it for everyone else in the family.

Dittany I did not screw her father in the way you make it seem and tbh you were not there so cannot make those sorts of comments. As glass said "Have you never made mistakes?".
Yes he was married but their marriage was over...I did not split their marriage. She was 10 years older and he met her when he was 19 and within a year and a half a dad of two. I have and would never say to DSD that her mother was a nightmare, I have always been nice about her mother to her and on many occassions her mother has been over to our house for family events as it is important for her to see her mum and dad and the rest of the family getting on.

As I said before I am not proud of the fact that when we got together he was married and I make no bones about it. I guess you have lead the life of an Angel then Dittany...maybe I should not have asked for advice because your advice is not helpful thankyou. I think I wont bother on here anymore but I would like to say Thankyou to some of you who have been kind and tried to offer some good advice I appreciate that.

And here comes Dittany to preach about how all step parents are this that and the other!
Its getting old now Dittany... why are you hanging around a thread that is for step parents? Are you a step parent?

mumof2monsters I hope you've been able to get some good advice of the decent mnetters.. please ignore the 'nasty & unhelpful' comments. I am really pleased that your DH and his family have supported you on this. I cant imagine how it feels, I have my own troubles with DBD whos 5 but I can imagine these will get worse as she gets older..

Please dont disappear due to these comments, the majority of us are here to help and support each other