My stepdaughter hates me

[mumof2monsters]

I have been with DH for 12 years and married for 8. He and I were good friends who worked together. He was married to a nightmare woman who made his life hell. He had two girls who were 1 and 2 1/2. We had a one night stand when he was married but his marriage was over way before i come along and it is not something I am proud of.Now 12 years later we have a DS who is 9 and a DD who is 7. His girls live with their mum and we have always tried to see them as much as possible. We have had some issues in the past when DSDs have wanted some time with their dad on their own and we have done that. The girls have been coming to our home more regularly recently and we have always made them feel welcome.
Anyway we went off last week on a family holiday with DHs family and all the kids. Oldest DSD was quiet and sullen and basically there was some frostiness from her and then she declares to her dad and the family that she hates me. I try to hard to be her mum ( I have never done that) i am manipulative and she resents me and my kids and wishes I would go away, For the rest of the holiday she ignored me.
She has really hurt me and I am devestated by this news. DH and his family have been really supportive and have told her she has blown all the hard work I have done with her in the past. DH has told her she is not coming to our home for christmas as he does not want her to treat me this way and now we have a family holiday booked for next year with all the family again and i dont really want to spend another family holiday in this atmosphere again. She said so many hurtfull things about me and also many lies. What do i do because I do not want her to come into my home when i know she hates me and make that atmosphere for my kids. Please give me advice and sorry to ramble.

Good advice Chippingin......

No more pandering.

I do agree with you Mj that she throws a tantrum and gets what she wants but DH has sat her down and explained everything to her from the beginning and things seem ok for a while until she kicks off again when she has her audience.

I do love her but I just dont like her at the moment. It seems that her opinion is now rubbing off on her sister who is also spouting all this to my sister in law.

I do love her but if I have her in my home (she is not banned) then I know that I will feel really uncomfortable, she does not want to be here anyway and my own children will feel this too.

By doing this she is seeing her dad on her own but less often because as I said our shifts are awkward and quite often before she would be at ours whilst hubby may have been at work.

She will just come to our home and ignore me. At the moment her and her sister take great delight in slagging me off to sister in law by telling her that she has decided she is not coming on holiday in the summer when infact DH decided as she was not being respectful she would not be coming.

I just dont know what has happened to the really sweet little girl we knew. She does not even have the decency to thank her grandparents for presents etc.

Her attitude stinks and tbh do no want that rubbing off on my two. Just dont know what to do. Not sleeping well as this is causing me and DH stress and making me feel ill.

You know, it occurs to me that it's just not always possible to like everyone.

It may well be that the sweet little girl of years ago is just doing the teenage "thing" or it may be that her basic persona is not a person you may actually like. But you MUST put a brave face on it for your DH. The stress of it will drive a wedge between you both, no matter how strong your relationship.

I try to cut myself some slack with my youngest SD because frankly, she is not someone I particularly like. Instead of beating myself up over it and worrying that it's my fault, I am letting myself say "I don't really much care for this young lady". It hasn't been an overnight realisation - I have been upset over this, more times than I ought to have been and so, I have to let it go. Being ignored; being tolerated; being made fun of.........these are unkindnesses I would not put up with in a "friend" or family member or indeed, anyone. I know that had I been in school with her, I would have avoided her for sure. There were girls like her who laughed at those less fortunate and generally looked down on others and even then, I knew that people like that were to be given a wide berth!

I guess what I'm saying is, stop beating yourself up. You've loved this child and maybe in future, will have a close relationship again but, it's OK not to like her if she is being unlikeable.

Thanks Wendi as always your comments make me feel better. Decided today that I just dont want to spend any time with her.

DH can see her when he likes but without me. You are right what you say and she has fallen out with her group of friends at school because I think she is just one of those girls that is like that.

Ultimately she is the one missing out.

I have done everything I can for her and had it thrown in my face so for the time being at least I will not be doing all the nice things that I did and will not see her...that way I dont get to feel hurt by things she says and does.

Good for you. You may find that with some distance and with you not trying so hard, things naturally resolve themselves, over time.

If they do.....great. If not.....it's just one of those things.

Oh momof2monsters - I do truly sympathise with you as I am a step parent to a girl and boy but they are both now grown with children of their own. I always had trouble with the girl even though like you I tried very hard to do everything I could for her. She was a nightmare in her teens and spoiled so many family holidays. The boy was different, ok really but I'm afraid I never felt the same for him as my own children.

I still don't have a good r/ship with my step daughter for a variety of reasons (too long to go into here) but she did once tell me that she was so horrible to me because she was jealous of the fact that she knew I loved myown kids better than her and her brother, and she knew that I was a better mum than her own mum. This explained a lot really and made me stop and think of all the times she had been horrible, not caring about presents we bought her (even though money was tight) and just throwing them aside. I now realise that this was because her own mother never bought her anything and
she told me that when we gave her presents at Christmas (same amount as our own kids) she felt really angry about her mom who had bought her just a pair of gloves for christmas and took it out on me.

None of this may be of any help and believe me I understand where you are coming from. Think you have to have been through it to understand it. Can't help thinking though that if you stop seeing her, she will think she has "won" and maybe feel that she has caused trouble between you and her dad (which she would love) - whereas if things go on normally she will not have the satisfaction of thinking anyone has taken any notice.

Do you tell her off when she is being rude. If not, then I think you should. I didn't used to and this was part of the problem really. She even told me that she didn't feel she belonged to our family because I told my own kids off but not her.

Anyway good luck - and remember step kids do grow up and get on with their own lives in time.

Hi NanaNina
Thanks for your post it has really helped! I have never actually told her off as such but have treated her the same as my own ie tidy up, put things away etc.

Thing is that most of the time she has always been nice to me and confided in me with her problems and even called me for a chat after a row with her mum...I was all set to go and get her and bring her home with me but it was late at night and she lives 35 miles away.

Things just seem to come to a head when we are all on holiday together with the whole family (her grandparents, uncle, aunt and cousins).

The issue has always been she wanted more time with her dad as she is a daddies girl but I give her time with him when she is at our home, often going to my room to watch tv and leaving her to watch tv with DH. Also I have encourage DH to go to her parents evenings etc with dh's EX !

I came up with the idea to let her (she is 15) look after our two when we are sometimes at work as I know how desperate she was to earn some money for herself...I alaways paid her the going rate even tho they were her brother and sister.

She has told her nan that when they see me in a family group I am totally different with her...I recently took her shopping and bought her some art stuff and said it was my treat...is that treating her badly?

She resents me and our two kids for being there. She said that she has had a crap childhood (hubby and Ex argued so he left) and that is my fault. She wishes I would go away.

Recently on her birthday DH sent her card and signed it just from him and the kids (his decision not mine) so she texted my sister in law to say how chuffed she was for the first time in 12 years she got a birthday card just from her dad and my name was missing.

I cannot believe after everything I have done she is treating me like this. I have to distance myself because I feel so stressed by the situation. Would never expect DH not to see her and I encourage him to but I just dont want to see her at the moment.

If she feels she has won then that is her lookout but ultimately she has not because due to our shifts, money etc DH cannot go and take them out and spend time on his own with her and her sister so she will see less of him but that will be my fault.

I hate being a step parent but I appreciate your comments. I know what you say when you say you felt different about your own because I have to say I do feel like that but have tried so hard never to show that.

Oh dear me.....

Just accept, this is a no win situation. Don't give this child any more of your energy. For the time being, at least.

And don't forget that in the animal world a male lion will kill the young of a lioness if he has not fathered them......so we aren't doing that bad as step parents are we!

My dd was 8 months when ex dh left me for another woman (i wonder if he told her i was a nightmare woman) They are still together and dd seems to quite like her.I met dh 4 yrs ago and he is devoted to us,he does loads with her and adores her helps with homework spends more 1-1 time with her than me,he plays schools and barbies.
She is actually quite foul to him at times,cheeky,condesending and rejects him.I have spoken to her and she says that if he wasnt here her Dad would be she seems to hold no grudge for exs partner at all.it seems very unfair but we just keep plodding on,these kids dont ask to be put in this situation it adults that do that to them.
I aggree maybe she is old enough to maybe speak about the reasons for the breakup.Its probably less a painfull to blame you rather than her own parents.

NanaNina.........good point.

mumof2monsters
I know exactly how you are feeling, I have been with my DH for 8 years, my DSD is now 19, she didn't like me at first but then came around and we had a great relationship, went shopping did things when my DH was at work. Then suddenly 4 months ago after being at our house one night she seemed a little strange with me so my DH rang her to find out what the problem was, she turned round and said she hated me, said I stopped them seeign each other, which i never have and never would do and said she would no longer come to our house as she didn't feel comfortable. My DH has spoekn to her about it everytime he has seen her but nothing has changed, my DSD won't even speak to her half sister (who is 4 and idolises my DSD). I never received a birthday card or xmas card or even a 'happy birthday' and my DSD won't even mention her half sister or me when she speaks to her Dad. I am at my witts end with it all. I have done alsorts for her in the 8 years from heloing with school work, writing cv's and helping apply for jobs as well as paying for phone bills etc. My DH has been very supportive of me and has told my DSD that the way she is treating me is disgusting but she just puts on the waterworks and then says she wants to go home, she wont even talk about it.

Hi Stanimum
Oh dear I know exactly how you are feeling.
I wonder what triggered your DSD to suddenly come out with that revelation at the age of 19?

I think these situations are always difficult for the DH as they feel stuck in the middle but like your DH mine has been really supportive and is disgusted by my DSD's behaviour.

Like you I too have done lots for DSD but it seems now that she has hated me all along, so all the confiding in me, having family photos taken etc was one big lie and act....I am not sure it was and think this whole thing may be attention seeking. Which maybe what is happening with your DSD.

Maybe something has happended in her home life ie: with her mum or a friend or work and she feels she needs some attention.

I think that being a parent is hard but being a step parent is even harder because you try to love children that you have not carried or had around from birth.

I would suggest keeping some space between you at the moment but encourage DH to spend time with her and hopefully she may eventually open up. Please keep in contact and let me know what happens xx

Oh dear....this thread highlights just how very common all of this is.

I think it boils down to the fact that, as much as we blended families all try to do the right and noble thing in getting on, I think underneath it all, it can just take one small event (real of perceived) and then all that "she's NOT my mum; THIS isn't MY home; you like her better than me" stuff surfaces.

I try to remember that, I was their DAD'S choice, not THEIRS! I can do my best but, no more than that. And, as much as we steps all hope to create a genuine bond, the kids are right....we are NOT their biological parent and as such, try as we may, we are never really, genuinely taken "on".