My stepdaughter hates me

[mumof2monsters]

I have been with DH for 12 years and married for 8. He and I were good friends who worked together. He was married to a nightmare woman who made his life hell. He had two girls who were 1 and 2 1/2. We had a one night stand when he was married but his marriage was over way before i come along and it is not something I am proud of.Now 12 years later we have a DS who is 9 and a DD who is 7. His girls live with their mum and we have always tried to see them as much as possible. We have had some issues in the past when DSDs have wanted some time with their dad on their own and we have done that. The girls have been coming to our home more regularly recently and we have always made them feel welcome.
Anyway we went off last week on a family holiday with DHs family and all the kids. Oldest DSD was quiet and sullen and basically there was some frostiness from her and then she declares to her dad and the family that she hates me. I try to hard to be her mum ( I have never done that) i am manipulative and she resents me and my kids and wishes I would go away, For the rest of the holiday she ignored me.
She has really hurt me and I am devestated by this news. DH and his family have been really supportive and have told her she has blown all the hard work I have done with her in the past. DH has told her she is not coming to our home for christmas as he does not want her to treat me this way and now we have a family holiday booked for next year with all the family again and i dont really want to spend another family holiday in this atmosphere again. She said so many hurtfull things about me and also many lies. What do i do because I do not want her to come into my home when i know she hates me and make that atmosphere for my kids. Please give me advice and sorry to ramble.

I'm new to the step parenting world (but not to parenting!) and something that stood out for me is that you mentioned she is only mean to you when there is an audience - and often nice, even close to you at other times.

This is clearly attention seeking behaviour -bbut I wondered what need is not being met that she feels she needs to put on this big show. I don't mean you're not meeting a need - it could be anyone - her mother / her school / even lack of boyfriend, I dont know - could be a million things. I'm sure its not about you though.

Sadly we are an easy target. We're not actualy their parents, they can rationalise (wrongly of course!) that we stole their fathers from them. I'm sure her mother wouldnt allow that sort of behaviour, but you kind of have to take it. A 15 year old girl knows that.

Anyway, this probably isnt much help but I thought she clearly needs some attention for something and some need fulfilled and her father banning her from his home isn't goign to help and might even cement whatever the worry is. Do you think you could both sit down with her, in a gentle fashion, not a lynching fashion, and try to get to the bottom of it? I'm sure she will be resistant at first - but she might appreciate the thought and the effort - eventually!

Good luck - you sound very caring

Thanks single step you have made me feel a little better. We have sat down with her in the past when she has kicked off but she comes up with whatever is bothering her, we speak try to reassure and things seem good. However everytime we have a holiday with the whole family (inlaws etc) this kicks off. She has never said in the past until now that I was the problem. She has said in the past she wanted some time with her dad on her own without me and my (our) two kids.

We have done that and she has had time with her dad. I agree with you that it does seem attention seeking as in the past she has had problems with her health, eating etc and yes there is a lack of boyfriend and I think that bothers her.

Hubby has not banned her from our home for christmas but stated that he will not have that behaviour as it is not fair on everyone and now she does not want to come anyway and will not speak to her dad. He is going to see his girls on boxing day.

I have tried to hard with DH's girls and have been in their life since they were 2 and 1 and have tried to be a friend to them.

You are right we are an easy target and DH thinks that at the moment some time and space is needed and then maybe we can sit down and talk. I know that there have been problems at home as two or three years ago their mothers partner left and that has not helped but she did not get on with him.

Thanks so much single step for your comments and for not judging me as one or two have. Infact many thanks to you all that have replied with constructive and helpful advice. I will let you all know what happens in due course.

Sorry, I'm lurking away on this topic trying to get some insight into DH's background.

Whilst Dittany's comments were unwelcome, she sounds a lot like the inside of a 15 yr olds mind who is upset with her dad. The older she gets, the more she'll empathise with her mum, so it doesn't mean you've suddenly slighted her in some way, just that she's realising now what really happened. I'm not trying to make you feel bad or re-hash it, but it's possible that at 2.5 this was just a fact she took on, whereas at 15 she's realising how this must have felt for her mum. So just let her work it out and make her peace with it. There probably isn't anything you can say or do to make it better. She's being rude and disrespectful, but your DH shouldn't be telling his teenage daughter that she's unwelcome in the home. That is disproportionate in the extreme (and exactly what happened to DH, but for far less...)

Finally, what does DBD stand for? I can't find it in the acronymn list!

Dear Bonus Daughter

Dittany's comment are welcome as long as they are helpful- Sadly, 99% of the time , they are not.

Dear bonus daughter is lovely! I spent ages wondering about that

Yes- A group of us on here agreed on using new, friendlier acronyms.

Bonus Mum - BoM
Bonus Dad - BoD
Bonus Parent - BoP
Dear/Darling Bonus Daughter- DBD
Dear/Darling Bonus Son- DBS

See thread here

Hey, what happened with all this?

How are you?

Hi Wendihouse
I am ok still feeling upset about the whole thing. DH stuck to his guns regarding Christmas but she did not want to come anyway and he took presents over to her and she opened them and was pleased and he stated to her that it was me that bought them.
Still not heard from her myself and to be honest just keeping my distance from the whole thing until it calms down.

It is her birthday on Saturday so DH is going over to see her on his own and for the first time ever he has bought her card.

What upset me a bit at christmas was that she was pleased about her presents that we had got her but she did not even bother buying her dad a present.

Anyway for now that is how it is. As for the big family holiday that is planned for August we are just leaving things at the moment and will see nearer the time.

I think that she does have theses hate feelings towards me but I have come to realise that she is just being a selfish teenager and I am sure that we all were at some point.

I just hope in time she may come to realise that I care about her (don't like her much at the moment) and I have always done my best by her.

You sound like such a good step mum.

She's lucky to have you, I think. The teenager thing? Not sure it's an excuse for what amounts to thoughtlessness and bad manners.

I have 3 steps, ages 22, 20 and 17. The youngest is dreadful. I don't accept that it's all teenage hormones.....I know that she is caustic and disdainful of others as well as myself and frankly, after a couple of years of trying, I've told her dad, my DH that whilst it's hugely important they have a relationship and I would never try to interfere with that, I'm not prepared to put up with her rudeness, disdain and disrespect. I should add that I think her siblings, one especially is lovely and I really look forward to their visits.

I won't go into her behaviour here but, she really is a piece o'work.

I too get the "dad bought me this; dad did my bedroom" with no acknowledgement to my (considered) input. It upsets my DH too but, for his sake, I just grim and bear it!

That would be "grin" but it IS grim !!

Do you know what upsets me too and I do not mean to sound selfish but in the 12 years that DH and I have been together neither DSD have ever bought me a birthday card. As they are now 15 and 13 and get pocket money etc they could buy a card for 59p from Card factory.

I would have loved to have had a happy birthday from them but never. I have always bought their presents, shopped for cake and arranged a meal out.

Got to the point now when I am not going to let it get to me. My DS and DD make me cards and they make me so happy as they put time and effort into them.

I guess you have to give without hoping for anything in return...... and that apparently includes a simple "thank you" or a card on YOUR birthday.

On my step daughter's birthday, her dad and I tried to make it special for her. She lives with her mum but we have her every week (5 or 6 out of 14 days, generally).

Anyway, on her birthday in the summer she had some 20 or so 17 yr olds round for a garden get together. Pizza, chips and salad and a nice cake. All singing happy birthday. We bought her what she'd asked for and hoped that she'd really enjoyed it. There was little in the way of a thank you and not to me, only to her dad. That aside, for the past two years she hasn't bothered even to get a birthday card for my (now) ten yr old son. He's autistic (more Aspie) and is very loving to his step sibling. She didn't even say happy birthday to him.....second yr running. THAT makes me so mad! This year, I'll let her dad arrange whatever it is she wants and won't get involved.

Hey there....how'd this work out for you, in the end?

Hey Wendihouse
Still ongoing I am afraid. DSD has not apologiesed since the incident on our break away. That was a month ago. DH went to visit her on her birthday last week and took her a card and present but there was no mention of an apology for me or to him. She did not bother to even buy DH a christmas present but was happy to receive christmas and birthday presents from us.

She was supposed to be writing me a letter after said incident last month but have not received one and I doubt I will.

I have decided to step back from it all and DH goes to see her on his own but does not bring her back to our house. I am not stopping her from coming to our house but I would feel uncomfortable and to be honest she wants DH to herself so if he visits her on his own then she gets time with him.

Only problem with that arrangement is we both work shifts and they live 35 miles from us. So if I am working on a late shift DH has to collect our two from school so he does not see so much of them as he did because normally he would bring them back to our house or they would get the train to our house.

As for our holiday in the summer with all of the family we will have to wait and see. I have said to DH why doesn't he go with his girls and all the family and me and our two will stay behind but he says that is not fair and he is not doing that. Also he said if DSD does not learn some respect then she will not be coming.

I have to say I know that she is just a teenager but personally if I spoke or treated my parents or any adult the way she does I would have been punished. Teenagers do not seem to have that respect anymore.

I hate the situation we are in but I have to step back from it because she keeps saying and doing these things, never apologises and expects me to just forget about it and not talk about it so it just gets brushed under the carpet.

I am not a bad person and have done losts for DH's two girls but it is just thrown in my face. I just hope with time she may grow up a bit and realise what has happened.

Thankyou wendihouse for asking

It's hard for these dads to get tough with their absent kids. I know that my DH feels it (the way things are quite often) but he wouldn't say anything. And yet, I know that if she lived with both biological parents (as in they'd not divorced)I really cannot imagine my DH NOT saying something to being flatly ignored!

You're right to "leave the door ajar" for her but, if she wants to start visiting again, your DH really ought to make it clear that an apology would be in order and good manners are absolutely essential in a future relationship together. Let's face it, if she did that when she was older, in a work situation, she'd very quickly be ostracised by her colleagues. Being a teen is no excuse.

I encourage my DH to do stuff with his youngest (16), just the two of them because it's important they do. And actually, it lets me off the hook. I've enough on my plate, without having to pander to DHBD if she's in one of her "ignore the new wife" moods.

My DH doesn't hesitate to pull my ten yr old son (his SS) up if he feels it necessary. Needless to say, we're had a couple of heated discussions on his inability to check bad manners from his daughter and be so keen with my son!!

Hey, and thanks for letting me know!

Plan that holiday by the way.... sounds like you'll need it. You absolutely MUSTN'T stay home and miss out! That would be awful.

Well the latest on this saga now. DSD is quite close to my sister in law who if I am honest I think stirs things a little.
Well sister in law calls today and tells DH that she has spoken to DSD and DSD said that she was glad that DH never signed my name in her birthday card.

I just feel so hurt by her behaviour and wanted to go round the house and take down her photos! I have spend 12 years doing things for that girl and she treats me like she does.

DH is now stressed because he does not want to bring them to our home as she would not want to come anyway but I would feel really uncomfortable and he cannot afford to go to their house (35 miles away) and spend money taking them places as we used to when they were little.

As we work opposite shifts if I am working he has to pick up our two from school and we get hardly any weekends off. He feels stressed that he wont be able to see them much and spend quality time with them. They dont seem bothered anyway and now I am upset as it seems DSD does actually not want anything to do with me.

I hate this situation and dont know what to do for the best. Seems like DSD is bitching about me to sister in law who has similar issues with her DSD altho her DSD is only 8. I love DP and my kids but I wish I had never met anyone who already had kids. Does that make me bad?

I agree that ejecting her from the house isn't quite right, but I'd tell the girl "listen, you don't have to work so hard to let me know how much you hate me... message received loud and clear, so can we all relax now?".

SOmething along those lines, I'd be so tempted to laugh if she dramatically left the room when I entered it. I know I don't have step kids.... and nomally on these threads the stepmothers do wind me up massively with their sense of entitlement, but i'm NOT getting that vibe from the OP.

I wouldn't give shit to somebody of 15 who told me she hated me. Seriously no items of clothing, no treats, nada. You hate me? right..... I know where I am now. That'd be my 'line'.... heaven forbid I ever had to walk this tightrope.

Obviously I would work at it to begin with like the op did. I wouldn't be horrible back, I'd just stop trying.

ps, her father can obviously carry on loving her.

I would say though never ever believe a man's account of his first wife. My x will tell everybody who'll listen to him that I was hysterical, never satisfied, unhinged......

MO2M - Don't beat yourself over this. We all have those moments when things are proving hard -of course you feel hurt and betrayed.

This seems like a toxic situation involving teen hormones, unresolved issues around resentment and sadly, also fuelled by your SIL (can't your DH tell her to butt out a bit or will this 'cause fruther rows?).

MJ spoke a lot of sense when she advised on just carrying on with your life in hope that she will come round.

And go on that holiday

I agree with MJ.

I do also think that you do need to address the situation surrounding getting together with your DH and how this is now affecting her as a teenager. I would suggest DH talks to her as you would an almost adult and explain what really went on (you can skip the odd night together when he was still married and living with them). I think she is now seeing it as a more aware teen/adult and needs help to work through it.

Personally, I think you (as in you and DH) are making the situation far worse by pandering to her right now. If she wants to see her Dad she comes to his home, as before. When she is there she is respectful to everyone. Bad attitude/behaviour should be dealt with the same way you'll deal with it when your two are that age.

Right now, she's chucked a tanty and gor exactly what she wanted, Daddy spending more time with her and less time with you and his other children.

Unconditional love - it's time to show some. After all of these years surely you love her? You wouldn't let your DD do this - why let her?

I know it's your home and your kids home - but it's hers too (even if it's not full time) - don't allow her to back herself into this corner and cause more of an estrangement than she has already.