Unrealistic, selfish or just plain naive?

[Ididthisforus]

Ok, so DP and I have been together for about 6 months now, both separated from our spouses, both in the process of divorcing. We both have a DD each. My DD, nearly 4yo, met DP a while ago, introducing them to each other very slowly, gradually building on time spent together, until now she sees him as 'part of the furniture' if you like. DP and his DD is a different matter. She is 10 and he hadn't told his STBEx or his DD that he was seeing anyone. His reasons were that he knew what the reaction would be from his Ex, in his words she's an "unexploded bomb", and that if she found out then she may take him to the cleaners during a divorce which until now has remained as amicable as is ever possible in these situations.

However all best laid plans go to waste and on Saturday night DP got a call from STBEx saying that he'd been spotted hand in hand with someone and asked if he was seeing someone. He said yes and then the whole world imploded. I could hear her shouting at him over the phone from the other side of the room. I swear she perfected circular breathing because she just didn't stop.

Long story short (I could go on...) DP saw his DD yesterday afternoon, with STBEx, who had calmed down by then goody for her and told DD that he was seeing someone. And this is where I lose perspective and need your help. His DD is now, understandably, asking a plethora of questions, I guess part of it is reassurance as to where in the pecking order she comes (this is supposition as I've never been in this position before), but she asked him if we'd had sex. And he told her yes we had. When he told me this I hit the roof. To me that is private between me and DP and, I know that she has questions and he wants to be as honest as he can be, but IMO he should've said that things like that are personal.

Am I being naive/immature/childish/unrealistic? Is this normal from a 10yo? I've not even met his DD yet she now knows something so personal about me. IMO it was not his information to share, it was ours. I feel like my life is now open season to be raked over with a fine tooth comb just so DP can feel more at ease with his DD finding out he's seeing someone.

BTW, just for a bit of backgroung, me and DP have known each other through work for over 2 years. He has been separated from his Ex for over a year and I have been separated from my Ex for 9 months. Despite no interest shown towards each other before 6 months ago his Ex apparently had issues with me since we started working together although I was unaware of this.

Apologies for the long post but as my first post I wanted to give as much information as possible.

I can well understand you being uneasy about this - it's not really an appropriate thing for him to be discussing with his dd at age 10.

That said, if he had promised to be honest and answer any question she asked it may have been difficult for him to not answer when she asked the direct question.

Looking on the bright side, he has clearly set out his stall in that they now know that he is seeing you, it is serious and you are deffo part of his life. If he had not have answered how he did, the dd and the stbex may have harboured some thoughts about them getting back together or you not being a "real" girlfriend.

Another thing to consider, if you feel uncomfortable with her knowing this info, imagine how icky he probably feels - must have been a very hard convo and I imagine he said what he said for your sake (iykwim) because it would have been much easier for him to answer "no"

I have 10 year old dd but am married to her father, so no step relationships to consider, so might be completely off here but...

I have talked about sex with dd2(10) and also dd1(12), they cover it at school in year 5 (9-10) so this is something that his daughter will know about, although not in great detail obviously. I think discussing sex with children of that age is not inappropriate - they need to know about it. We have discussed sex as part of a loving adult relationship. Most of the time they make 'yuck' comments and have said that they will never 'do it', but they are aware it happens.

I do think you're being a little bit unrealistic to expect to have much privacy in this situation. If his daughter is asking if you've had sex, then I expect she is trying gauge how serious your relationship is. At her age we don't cover sex for fun! just as part of a long term serious relationship.

Sorry if I'm totally off as not a step parent - just say this in active convos :)

But I don't think he does feel icky about it as only a couple of days ago he was telling me that on his nightly phone call with her she was telling him all about the sex ed lesson she'd had that day and they were talking openly about it all. It's more that he really can't see how hurt I am that he would disclose information that wasn't his to disclose just because she asked. He can't see that he's done anything wrong by telling her the truth because "10 year olds know all about this stuff anyway"! Yes, but not my 'stuff'!!!

I wonder what else he's going to tell her "just because she asked"?

I also am wondering how much of this is her mother digging for information as, up until 3 weeks ago, she was still sending him texts saying she wanted him back and still loved him. And his DD also asked him if I was in his mobile and whether he had all of my details. Why would she ask that? I have no experience of 10yo girls.

Or am I just being cynical?

bumpbecky, do you know, I think you're probably right, she is just seeing how serious we are. This is all just so new to me I honestly don't know what to expect.

I am fed up of crying myself to sleep about the whole bloody mess :( fed up of taking second place to someone I've never even met just because I'm the adult. Sometimes I feel like stamping my feet just like a child and saying "don't I count too?"

how is it not his to disclose? he had sex and he told his DD when she asked. was he to ring you before answering the question?

i think you are over reacting big style. he has a good honest relationship with his DD, he has been seeing you 6 months. he has his priorities right. his dd will always be his DD and he has to maintain the level of trust between them. if that means risking yoru relationship then so be it.

Ah, it does seem strange to me - not sure my DD when that age would have made that comment however you did say she was talking to you partner about sex education at school s maybe she did raise it. I don't think adults need to discuss their sex lifes with children - some information we don't share with kids, like what we do in the loo!!
I do think your partner got it wrong by not telling the ex about you - it was deceit by ommission and doesn't set the right tone for going forward with the ex - she will feel lied too - however he took the path that most men do - least resistance.One of the very tough things to adjust to is that your life is now shared with a man who has an ex and a child - it does mean information is likely to flow both ways. Have a chat to him about what you believe is private - see where the differences might be.Example what if he was asked about your income? Does he feel that is private? Negotitating blended families takes patience, tolerance and a sense of humour (and even with that it can be the most frustrating and stressful situation). Good Luck

I dont see why you find this such a big deal, I think she is probably trying to gauge how serious the relationship is and whether you are likely to be a permanent fixture.

If you feel upset that you might not come first, just imagine what it feels like right now to be his 10 year old daughter. Really the responsibility is his - he should have told his ex about you, not left her to find out by you being spotted - just imagine how it would have felt it you both had bumped into them and they didnt know.

You probably need to discuss your feelings with your P and talk about what the next few months / years are going to be like. You might be in for a rocky ride as he goes through his divorce.

Ahh, hindsight is a wonderful thing! Your DP thought he was doing the right thing by not mentioning having a girlfriend and when he was caught out, he's on the back foot. FWIW I wasn't introduced to DBD until DH and I had been going out for well over 6 months as he wanted to make sure this was going to be a long term thing, so its not that unusual.

I can understand why you would be feeling 'icky'; however if this was a straight "yes" to a straight question than I don't see what else he could do. He could have said no, but if he'd hesitated or done anything to look like he was lying, then his DD would have started questioning things a lot more. Maybe it was his STBexW wanting to know, but in my experience 10 year olds are perfectly capable of asking these questions all by themselves, even if they don't understand all of the 'gory' details.

I think you need to take a deep breath as he is probably going to do many more things in the weeks and months to come in regards to his daughter that may get your back up. Whether you want it or not, the cat is out of the bag and you won't have much control over what happens now between him, his ex and his DD about this issue. Detach, detach, detach is the best advice I can give you.

If she's having sex Ed lessons they've probably been told that sex happens between two people who care about each other etc

So her asking him that is maybe her way of asking if you care about each other. If he'd said no she may have thought your just 'dating'.

My DBD was 3yrs old when I was introduced to her as Daddy's girlfriend, that question never popped up. She did ask if I slept in daddys bed when I was there

Sorry phone posted before I'd finished.

I'm a very private person and having a step child and exW wanting to know everything has been hard, but try not to let it ruin your relationship. Speak to DP about boundries of what aspects of your life should stay private.

I think you're all right, I did overreact, and I suspected as much hence I posted on here. I tried to put myself in his position were it my DD who had asked the question at that age but I just couldn't. It's all new to me and although I have my own DD she's only 4 and I think you grow with your children so I'm totally unprepared and unexperienced for life with a 10yo.

I also think you're right that he took the path of least resistance by not telling his ex, which I had challenged him on before, but then ultimately it was his choice to make, just as it is in the subjects he chooses to discuss with his DD.

I know that his priority has to be his DD, especially at the moment, but sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees and lose perspective, again, my reason for posting.

I suspect this is one of many potholes we'll encounter along the way but it's the path I chose and so I have no-one to blame but myself.

Thanks everyone for your advice

ididthisforus

Don't worry about loosing perspective we all do it. That's why this forum works well, if you need help or advice or a kick up the bum we're all here in the same boat :)

YABU

She's not an adult asking, she's a child craving reassurance that daddy isn't trying to make babies with someone else.

I would agree with you Colditz, except he's had a vasectomy, which she knows about.

You are not being at all unreasonable - there's no right and wrongs with feelings. You are not choosing to find this difficult - it just is.

You are just starting on the most difficult path imaginable and when you say "I feel like my life is now open season to be raked over with a fine tooth comb" well - get used to it because that's life as a step-mum.

Everyone can say what they like about you but you have to be sweetness and light all the time about your DH, his DD and his ex. There will be times when it drives you completely mad but if the relationship is worth it then you persevere.

This forum is the best thing I've found since becoming a step-mum. You can say what you like and (most of the)people on here will understand.

I didn't meet my DH DC's until we had been together for 8 months and it was a very gradual introduction. Inspite of that we still had huge and ongoing problems with his ex.

tbh, if she knows he has had the snip and they have been talking about her sex ed class then i would imagine this felt like a pretty natural question for her to ask. it seems that they are really open with each other about abything sex related so i wouldn't be put out that she asked, nor that he answered truthfully.

Unfortunatley for you if he is in the process of getting divorced you may find that his personal life and future intentions get dragged into the negotiations. This can be pretty hard on a new partner.

Also, relationship breakdowns bring out the worst in adults and whatever your partner says his ex may not be an unreasonable person. So try to approach your relationship with her with an open mind. It is pretty rare that one partner is all good and the other all bad!

I've sat and thought about why it bothered me so much as I want to understand so that it doesn't happen again. I mean I'm not a prude and I intend to be fully open about sex with my own DD. And I have come to the conclusion that it could have been any topic that I considered private (the operative word being I as me and DP appear to have different opinions on what is private), it was the fact that he could discuss so openly something which I considered to be private, without so much as a backward glance. So I think that the next thing to do is to talk with DP about what each of us classes as private (thanks houseproject).

I have already apologised to DP for overreacting last night but I refuse to apologise for my feelings; they're just as valid as anyone else's. And after hearing his harpee ex saying she was "going to rip my face off and pull my hair out" I think I'm entitled to just want to be cut a bit of slack.

Some good points have been made here about his reasons for answering her question honestly. But I can see why you feel sort of emotionally invaded by her knowing.

He must feel his loyalties are split. Sounds like you all need to be gentle with each other. A lot of changes going on, and it can be tough and challenging for all concerned. Keep talking (calmly).

elastamum; oddly I'm one of the ex's biggest advocates - whenever DP starts on about how unreasonable she is, what a bitch, etc I try to get to see it from her side. I have tried to make him see that me and her have more in common than anyone would like as we have both loved him. Even on Saturday night when she was unleashing hell via Orange, threatening to do all sorts, I tried to get him to see that she was angry and he was the only one she could lash out at.

And that's what has really bothered me; that I can be so reasonable when it comes to her yet so deranged upset when it comes to one innocent question posed by a 10yo. Am I really that unpleasant?

If you are going to be a BoM, get used to ExW demanding answers to all sorts of questions about your personal life. Whether she asks herself or primes the children to do it.
ExW sounds as if she is going through some real issues at the mo - this can last a few months or years.
Don't make too many excuses for her - there a minimum standard of civil behaviour you should be able to expect from an adult in any given situation and threatening violence is not acceptable behaviour. I would recommend your DP tells her that he will terminate any telephone calls that she starts making threats during, and make a record of any abusive or threatening texts.

Ok, so how much information should we be expected to divulge? And does she have a right to know anything or should she trust that DP would not introduce anything into his DD's life that wasn't beneficial to her (this was the tack I chose with my ex - that he had no right to know what I was doing with my life, but that he had to trust that as a mum I would always do what's best by our DD)?

Should I just provide my inside leg measurement now and be done with it?

"It's more that he really can't see how hurt I am that he would disclose information that wasn't his to disclose just because she asked."

This is the issue more than the fact that he told her.

I think bumpy's insight into the workings of a 10 year old girl's mind makes a lot of sense.

I can quite see him being taken aback by the question and telling the truth because that is what he had promised.

He may even have thought "well, if she were asking this questions about me and her mum if we were still together, I'd answer honestly"

So the telling I think is easy to understand.

What is less so is his insistence that is was OK for him to have told her this now that he knows how uncomfortable you are about it.

You and he are entitled to have a private adult relationship that is separate from your DDs.

It is worrying that he thinks he can tell his DD private things about you and you have no say in the matter.

If he'd apologised and spoken to you further about how you two should draw these kinds of boundaries that would be no big deal.

But he seems to be saying that if a similar situation should present itself he'd prioritise satisfying his daughter's curiosity over your privacy, and that is not good.

Glass said : "You are just starting on the most difficult path imaginable and when you say "I feel like my life is now open season to be raked over with a fine tooth comb" well - get used to it because that's life as a step-mum."

I couldn't agree more. The intricate details of your life and your life with your DP have the potential to be discussed by people you don't know or wish to know.

Examples that have really bothered me are ExW's brother coming to see where we live now that we've moved in together - discovered when he broke down close by, DP stopped to see if he could help and brother's son piped up with 'we've just been to see where you live...is it the one at the bottom?' - I just couldn't work out why it was of any interest and got really cross. &, of course, the old chestnut of ExW demanding to be told 'first' if we decided to have children of our own.

On many levels this stuff just doesn't matter, but I've really struggled with the lack of privacy in our relationship. Everything that BoD sees has the potential to be known by others once you meet her.

I completely agree that if you are to feel comfortable then some constructive discussions about where the boundaries are would be really useful - but you need to be realistic and recognise that new people are now interested and they will want, and sometimes need, to know things that you would prefer to remain private.

Good luck - it's a hell of a ride but if your DP is worth it then hop on!