Unrealistic, selfish or just plain naive?

[Ididthisforus]

Ok, so DP and I have been together for about 6 months now, both separated from our spouses, both in the process of divorcing. We both have a DD each. My DD, nearly 4yo, met DP a while ago, introducing them to each other very slowly, gradually building on time spent together, until now she sees him as 'part of the furniture' if you like. DP and his DD is a different matter. She is 10 and he hadn't told his STBEx or his DD that he was seeing anyone. His reasons were that he knew what the reaction would be from his Ex, in his words she's an "unexploded bomb", and that if she found out then she may take him to the cleaners during a divorce which until now has remained as amicable as is ever possible in these situations.

However all best laid plans go to waste and on Saturday night DP got a call from STBEx saying that he'd been spotted hand in hand with someone and asked if he was seeing someone. He said yes and then the whole world imploded. I could hear her shouting at him over the phone from the other side of the room. I swear she perfected circular breathing because she just didn't stop.

Long story short (I could go on...) DP saw his DD yesterday afternoon, with STBEx, who had calmed down by then goody for her and told DD that he was seeing someone. And this is where I lose perspective and need your help. His DD is now, understandably, asking a plethora of questions, I guess part of it is reassurance as to where in the pecking order she comes (this is supposition as I've never been in this position before), but she asked him if we'd had sex. And he told her yes we had. When he told me this I hit the roof. To me that is private between me and DP and, I know that she has questions and he wants to be as honest as he can be, but IMO he should've said that things like that are personal.

Am I being naive/immature/childish/unrealistic? Is this normal from a 10yo? I've not even met his DD yet she now knows something so personal about me. IMO it was not his information to share, it was ours. I feel like my life is now open season to be raked over with a fine tooth comb just so DP can feel more at ease with his DD finding out he's seeing someone.

BTW, just for a bit of backgroung, me and DP have known each other through work for over 2 years. He has been separated from his Ex for over a year and I have been separated from my Ex for 9 months. Despite no interest shown towards each other before 6 months ago his Ex apparently had issues with me since we started working together although I was unaware of this.

Apologies for the long post but as my first post I wanted to give as much information as possible.

It is odd - isnt it - these feelings that you cant quite put your finger on why or understand fully. But we are absolutely entitled to them and it is not for anyone else to decide how we should feel about certain things. So just a word of warning as an embattled s/mum - be sure to voice your opinions openly and speak out about anything you are not comfortable with - or before you know it your feelings and needs as a s/mum will be a close second to the family budgie.

Quick example - my DH left a note for his adult DS other night - saying he was in the pub (fair enough) and I was in bed (?) - made my skin go all goosey when I saw it on the kitchen worktop next morning. Those words 'Sudas in bed' just jumped out at me. Whether people think thats unreasonable or OTT - it doesnt matter - thats how I felt - end of.

Suda, serious question - are you scared of your stepson?

Sorry pressed post -

For me was a question of where does the sense of entitlement for him to know that come from. I can see logic in informing him I'm in though even thats totally irrelevant to him - but not that I'm in bed - just felt too personal - and too much information - had I been lounging in the bath would he have written that on the note aswell ? - I think if youre a private person its intrusive to have these personal activities broadcast.

Suda - there is probably history that I dont understand- was it not better that he knew you were in bed rather than out so he doesnt disturb you- was your step son staying that night?

Yes - he can be quite intimidating - but in front of his father you would not believe it - butter wouldnt melt - but he has quite a temper and creates a very moody atmosphere - once wrecked my steel kitchen bin - kicked it round the kitchen because he couldnt find something in the laundry and he thought I'd done something with it - it later turned up at back of his settee where it had fell cos he'd not bothered to hang it up !

No - he lives with us Tiddles - he is 23 - and his room with en suite is downstairs - ours is upstairs - thats what I mean by he doesnt need to know what I am doing as he never comes upstairs as he has no need to - he used to do so anyway to just ask his dad something mundane when we were in bed ffs - but I put a stop to it. And he doesnt do considerate behaviour - he will come crash banging in at 3am when his dad and I are in bed and his Dad gets up very early for work.

Then he needs to move out.

Youre not wrong Colditz - but though his Dad and I are now married and that has improved my feeling of status - so I dont stew in silence as much - I still could not give his Dad an ultimatum with any confidence I would win.

My plan is to wait till after Xmas - he is 24 next year and then have a really good talk with his Dad and say that although I appreciate he would never throw him out - the time has comes when I think its reasonable for my DH and DSSs Mum to work something out between them to help him start out on his own.

Otherwise its so very unfair on me - DH and I - and ironically not doing my SS any favours whatsoever. He is one of these 'least resistance' people - mentally lazy who would seriously I fear live at home till he's forty if left to his own devices. The other factor that brings this fear to mind is his mothers complete indifference to whether he lives with us or not - it doesnt affect her in a nutshell.

I think my DH should open discussion with her and put it to her that it is still half her problem and that its not fair on us or me and no good for her son to just leave things as they are.

On the plus side my DH and his EXW have had some friction at times but are on civil terms.

Why is it his Mum's concern that he lives with his Dad?

I should imagine that she doesn't think it is really up to her where her adult son chooses to reside.

Yes I agree - but he is certainly not my responsibility either - even though I have put up with all the teenage crap and still put up with no end of crap related to him still living at home at 23. She lives with her partner on their own and far enough away for to be no question of her son living with her since he was 15. Whether he is an adult or not he is obviously one of these who needs help to spread his wings - get a foot on the housing ladder etc etc or he will never get a start in life and will continue to hijack mine. So if her son needs a bit of a push or encouragement or financial help to get a start in life why should she not help out really is my point of view. If her and my DH were still married I am sure it would be reasonable to expect them to help him between them - if he needed it - at whatever age. He still would be and still is their son - not mine.

What you and your DH do for your adult stepson is not anything to do with his exW.

You might have decided that he needs help to spread his wings, but she is in absolutely no way obliged to provide it.

She will presumably do what she thinks is right for her adult son.

If she's anything like me that will not involve buying him a house or letting him live in her house acting like a brat.

He is only your problem because your DH is choosing that. Laying that at her door is ridiculous.

If your husband would put his adult stepson ahead of you then your problem is with your husband, not his ex wife.

I dont agree with you - what me and my DH do for him - is all directly saving her doing it - and from when he was 15 - also she is his mother - not just DHs exw.

No one said she is obliged to do this - just that it would be reasonable and fair for her to help out her son - seeing as DH has done absolutely everything for him - financially - roof over his head wise - practically wise - and she has done nothing since she left when he was 15.

As for she will do what she thinks is right for her son ? Dont make me laugh - she does absolutely nothing for him - oh I tell a lie - she comes down every few months - and if its near his birthday buys him a Primark top - £3.99 the last one. However bad things get she will not have him to stay with her and partner - never invites him - nothing.

if she is anything like me she wont buy him a house or let him live like a brat ? - Who said anything about her buying him a house - I have only ever said maybe go halves or even contribute together with his other parent. As for her not letting him live in her house like a brat - then its ok for an adult offspring to live in someone elses house like a brat is it - as long as it doesnt affect you ?

My DH doesnt choose to have him living with him - he has never been given the option of living with his mother - he would have been homeless if DH hadnt taken him in when she went to live with boyfriend when SS was 15.

I am also not laying everything at her door - I fully know that my SS behaves like a little shit because a) he just is a little shit and as an adult is now responsible for his own behaviour and b) his Dad lets him be and c) only partly because of the input - or later lack of it from his mother.

Also I am not saying my problem is with his EXW - I am just saying that and DH knows my stance on it - that I am not having him living with us indefinitely - we and especially me - as my DH has buffer zone of loving him - I dont - have done more than our fair share and just because my DH is not the sort to throw him out - I dont see anything wrong with asking his exw if she will contribute financially and prectically to help their son get some sort of life.

Very good few lasts posts Suda - all makes perfect sense and sounds very reasonable to me

Oh just one more thing..... ignore

"My DH doesnt choose to have him living with him"

Yes, he DOES.

This is a 23 year old man. Asking him to find his own lodgings is perfectly normal.

What happened up until now has no bearing on this. This is not a child, it is a man. Neither parent has any obligation to house him.

"As for her not letting him live in her house like a brat - then its ok for an adult offspring to live in someone elses house like a brat is it - as long as it doesnt affect you ? "

It's got nothing to do with her whether her son lives with her ex-husband. Are you suggesting that she should have a say in the matter?

"I dont see anything wrong with asking his exw if she will contribute financially and prectically to help their son get some sort of life."

Again

If she wants to help her son, presumably she'll do it on her terms. She knows her son and can talk to him directly. She hardly needs you and her ex making "suggestions".

This is an adult. His relationship with is mother is none of your or his father's business.

Maybe if you stopped talking about him like he was a child you might get closer to stopping treating him like one.

I have grown up children and its perfectly normal - especially these days - for their parents to help them to get their first place of their own. Why oh why you have such a bee in your bonnet about me suggesting a mother might jointly help her son - along with his father is beyond me. I helped both mine along with their father with a deposit on their first place.

Do you not think it would be better for DH to say to exw first - this is the situation - Sudas not prepared to have our son living with us like this anymore - can we jointly help him to get his own place ?

I dont agree with your point of view - I would be horrified to think either of my grown up children were acting like he is in someone elses home albeit with their father - I would be having words and would certainly not just shrug it off as not my problem. I would be offering to help resolve it - whether asked or not.

I am going to take Madams advice and ignore.
For the record thats what I do to my SS - ignore him - these days so I dont treat him like a child or otherwise.

It's very difficult for young people to find housing in some areas of this country and it's not unreasonable for their parents to scrape up a deposit and 1 month's rent for a small flat.

I'd present it to your husband likew this - he's not going to get a girlfriend if he's still living at home with his parents, because girls of his age expect to stay over and they will not want to share a bathroom with another couple.

Thank you Colditz - I too can not see anything wrong with my DH and his exw helping him out. Therefore as they are on moderate to good speaking terms I see no harm in DH asking for her to mutually help. I know at his age no-one is obliged to - but parents still do.

But I have helped mine and subsidised my SS for about 5yrs now indirectly through household bills etc - though my DH is very fair on that score there have been times when my DH wasnt working - he's in the building trade - feast or famine as he says - so I have carried all household bills. I do not see why I should now contribute to DSS getting his own place. Well there is one glaringly obvious reason it would benefit me - but on principal I wouldnt.

BTW - Colditz I was waiting for you to come back - you asked way back if I was afraid of my SS - has ever picked up on that. That was so very perceptive of you - I was quite taken aback. Have you any tips on how I persuade my DH how uncomfortable I feel with his son - he would just laugh and if you met DSS you would to - he just comes across as very head in the clouds bumbling teenager- although 23 - not menacing at all. I thought of secretly recording him a couple of times but I worry DH would be mad at me for entrapping him etc etc.

I know you will think I am mad but SS does this thing where when were alone in the house - he'll walk through the room where I am and not speak - only speaks when DH is around - and he'll do this sort of humming or whistling thing sometimes - its not something he does normally and its definitely for my benefit IYSWIM - it for the duration of him being in my earshot. Also he'll look straight at me at some point - very cockily in doing this and then he'll just swing the door open a bit to hard and close it the same - not a slam just fast and noisy - its kinda menacing and arrogant at same time.

I am not afraid of DH btw - just afraid of losing him.

Gonna hide now cos have just read back and I know for a fact I could never explain that to DH - he would just say 'give over - what a load of bollocks' Which no doubt some of you lot are now.

'no-one has ever picked up on that' - even

Ok, so DP and me finally had chance to sit and talk last night (I've had my mum staying with me for the past 3 weeks, her first visit since my dad died 5 months ago). I apologised, again, for overreacting, and he surprised me by saying that he didn't think I had overreacted, that he was caught on the hop and wanted to be as truthful as he could so his DD knows that he's not hiding anything, but that had he anticipated the question he would've told her that some things between adults are private. I did say that it could've been any topic that I regarded as personal, I would've reacted the same way and we've agreed some things are, but that we can't predict what questions are going to come up so there will be a lot of thinking on our feet I reckon.

I also told him that while I totally understood that his DD needs to be his only priority at the moment until the dust settles, I felt that even his ExW was taking precedence over me because our actions and behaviour are still defined by the mood of his ex. I don't think there is a solution to that until his divorce is through however at least I have told him how I feel.

DP is seeing his DD this afternoon/evening and has her this weekend so I am hoping that our time apart will give me some breathing space to do some thinking and rationalisation, not to devalue my feelings more to put them into perspective. This time next year and this will all be a dim and distant memory and we'll be arguing about Christmas arrangments in a much easier place. I hope.

Of course now I'm absolutely bricking it because his DD has said she might want to meet me soon! how on earth do I handle that? Will probably post nearer the time for some handy hints on that.

Sorry, I know that the post has moved on, just wanted to provide an update.

Oh another thing he does and I think - maybe wrongly this is a control thing. I said in above post that I ignore him - what I meant was I ignore his behaviour btw - but I am civil and acknowledge him whether DH is there or not. When DH is there and he chats to me I chat back - all very friendly. My adult DD says I shouldnt - he's working my strings she says to suit his own agenda - but then if I ignore him or am very cool with him when DH is there - DH always picks up on it. then I am the ignorant one.

My DD says she would say to my SS - 'DSS - I need you to speak to me all the time like this or not at all please otherwise I dont know where I am'. She says I need to challenge him not aggressively but openly.

Also when he wants to know something etc - he will deign to speak to me and break the silence with - 'Who was that at the door?' and so on. Again my DD thinks its outrageous that I answer him. She said he is treating me like a sub human at worst or a paid servant at best by only deeming me good enough to speak to when he wants something. She says as above that I need to challenge him on this too. I do answer these silence breaking questions - but very coolly - in the manner they were asked basically. But DD says - but mum you are still giving him what he wants - an answer - so you are letting him pick you up and drop you when he wants use of you ???

< ooh my head hurts - please be gentle >

Inthisforus I'm so pleased you've been able to talk you your DP and he listen and understood where you was coming from. That is a big thing in blended families. When it comes to meeting her try to relax, hard I know, but it will go easier than you think :)