Unrealistic, selfish or just plain naive?

[Ididthisforus]

Ok, so DP and I have been together for about 6 months now, both separated from our spouses, both in the process of divorcing. We both have a DD each. My DD, nearly 4yo, met DP a while ago, introducing them to each other very slowly, gradually building on time spent together, until now she sees him as 'part of the furniture' if you like. DP and his DD is a different matter. She is 10 and he hadn't told his STBEx or his DD that he was seeing anyone. His reasons were that he knew what the reaction would be from his Ex, in his words she's an "unexploded bomb", and that if she found out then she may take him to the cleaners during a divorce which until now has remained as amicable as is ever possible in these situations.

However all best laid plans go to waste and on Saturday night DP got a call from STBEx saying that he'd been spotted hand in hand with someone and asked if he was seeing someone. He said yes and then the whole world imploded. I could hear her shouting at him over the phone from the other side of the room. I swear she perfected circular breathing because she just didn't stop.

Long story short (I could go on...) DP saw his DD yesterday afternoon, with STBEx, who had calmed down by then goody for her and told DD that he was seeing someone. And this is where I lose perspective and need your help. His DD is now, understandably, asking a plethora of questions, I guess part of it is reassurance as to where in the pecking order she comes (this is supposition as I've never been in this position before), but she asked him if we'd had sex. And he told her yes we had. When he told me this I hit the roof. To me that is private between me and DP and, I know that she has questions and he wants to be as honest as he can be, but IMO he should've said that things like that are personal.

Am I being naive/immature/childish/unrealistic? Is this normal from a 10yo? I've not even met his DD yet she now knows something so personal about me. IMO it was not his information to share, it was ours. I feel like my life is now open season to be raked over with a fine tooth comb just so DP can feel more at ease with his DD finding out he's seeing someone.

BTW, just for a bit of backgroung, me and DP have known each other through work for over 2 years. He has been separated from his Ex for over a year and I have been separated from my Ex for 9 months. Despite no interest shown towards each other before 6 months ago his Ex apparently had issues with me since we started working together although I was unaware of this.

Apologies for the long post but as my first post I wanted to give as much information as possible.

I fully understand your discomfort with DP telling his DD you have had sex but to me..as an outsider it shows remarkable open mindedness in your DP...his DD and hopefully yours too will benefit from his openess...about sex as part of a loving relationship.

Ooh sorry IDIDTHIS - didnt notice you were back - will withdraw from hi-jacking immediately - dont read it dear it will scare you to death - joys of step-parenting eh ?

I am so pleased you have spoken - and as I have often said these dads know they are being unreasonable sometimes but its just a knee jerk reaction to blindly defend their kids needs at expense of all others. But later on they often seem - from reading things on here - to realise that 'Hello - over here !' - theres other peoples feelings to consider.

You must be so relieved - had he dug in about it - then it could well have run and run and been a sticking point for you.

Thanks MJ - btw - waves

Suda you crack on, I've had plenty of advice from here, feel free to hijack away

Oh OP did you mention to him your concerns as to how much of these questions are from your DSD genuinely or the possibility some may be from his EXW - or even if genuinely from the child herself the information could end up being passed to her mother in conversation.

It is difficult because there will be things that you wont mind your DSD knowing but would not relish her mother knowing - but then you cant really tell a child to keep secrets from her mother. ??

Oh thanks IDIDTHIS - sorry I called you OP -forgot name while typing.

Am afraid I have to take off my Frazzled Stepmum hat off now and put on my Frazzled Daughter of Elderly Parents hat. Going to take 82yr old father shopping - oh joy !

Yes you can have a twenty minute conversation about which brand of beans he prefers and which ones he had last week and those were a bit runny and your mother prefers those ones but these ones are on offer.....AAAAAAARRRRRGHHHHHH

Can I stay please ?

Disclaimer - I love my dad very very much - he just got very old bless him and gets fixated on every detail.

Ooh am all excited MJ - will rush back - my very own thread.

< later that day news came through Suda had been arrested in Morrisons for abuse of the elderly. She was apparently doing a high speed trolley dash with her frail 82 year old father crammed into the trolley - gagged and hands tied and throwing his groceries on top of him - despite his frantic protests - they got halway round the store before concerned shoppers managed to intervene and stop elderly Mr Sudasdad ride of terror.

When questioned by police she was reported to have said 'But Ive got to get back quickly - I have my own thread waiting' >

oh Suda how do you do it?

every time..

Give him a valium before you take him shopping

Honestly, I once went shopping with my mum directly after a dentist's appointment (of which I am terrified, so I always pop a small dose of valium)

I was floating around gaily sticking ythings into the trolley and walking off without my mum, who was rampaging up and down the aisles like a furious rhinoceros, raging at me to "BLOODY CONCENTRATE!!".

Well, I couldn't, and furthermore, I didn't care.

I managed to spend £120 for a trollyfull, my average being £70, and I dind't care about that either!

Thats brilliant Colditz - PMSL - 24hr gPs surgery with pharmacy - anyone know where there is one ?

Colditz I pasted this from a previous post of mine - on this thread - but I think you had already gone.

BTW - Colditz I was waiting for you to come back - you asked way back if I was afraid of my SS - no - one has ever picked up on that. That was so very perceptive of you - I was quite taken aback. Have you any tips on how I persuade my DH how uncomfortable I feel with his son - he would just laugh and if you met DSS you would to - he just comes across as very head in the clouds bumbling teenager- although 23 - not menacing at all. I thought of secretly recording him a couple of times but I worry DH would be mad at me for entrapping him etc etc.

I know you will think I am mad but SS does this thing where when were alone in the house - he'll walk through the room where I am and not speak - only speaks when DH is around - and he'll do this sort of humming or whistling thing sometimes - its not something he does normally and its definitely for my benefit IYSWIM - it for the duration of him being in my earshot. Also he'll look straight at me at some point - very cockily in doing this and then he'll just swing the door open a bit to hard and close it the same - not a slam just fast and noisy - its kinda menacing and arrogant at same time.

I am not afraid of DH btw - just afraid of losing him.

Gonna hide now cos have just read back and I know for a fact I could never explain that to DH - he would just say 'give over - what a load of bollocks' Which no doubt some of you lot are now.

If you have already seen this Colditz - please ignore me - dont mean to harrass you for a reply - but that was so perceptive of you I would be really interested in your thoughts.

Tell him to imagive a 6'8 body builder wandering around his house while he is there, alone. This body builder doesn't particularly like him, and doesn't always behave well when nobody else is around. He's rude, and bangs things around.

Your Dh is well aware that this body builder could break his neck with one hand, if he so chose. YOU are insisting that the body builder won't hurt a soul despite your Dh knowing that he has a very short fuse when things aren't going his way. YOU tell him not to be so silly.

Ask hime how he would feel. Would he feel happy? Secure? Very safe? Warm towards the body builder? Warm towards you?

Because this is the position he has put you in.

Someone much bigger than you who doesn't like you very much is wandering around the house where you live, sleep, dress, bath. Someone who has a history of adult temper loss.

I empathised with your post because my brother threatened me with a knife when he was 17 and I was 22 and I was told "Oh don't be silly, he wouldn't have done anything!" by my mother. So not the point. And I was wary forever more. As you probably are.

Thats very interesting analogy COLDITZ because the problem is that in my DHs mind his 6ft 2in 23yr old son is still his sweet little boy - only bigger - and he does come across as harmless - but then his dad doesnt see the other side of him - or at least not to the degree or nearly as often as I do. Though he has got arsey with his dad on odd occasion - so he's not completely unaware he's got another side.

The other thing is - which I appreciate is not my SSs fault - is I am super-sensitised to bad atmospheres / raised voices / doors slamming etc etc as I lived for 20 plus years with a violent controlling exh. These behaviours were usually a build up to me being hit ? So although my DH openly laughed at me once - with the kitchen bin incident when DSS booted it and badly dented it - when I told him he could be quite intimidating on the quiet - the fact remains that to me (and my EXH used to trash my things regularly) that is intimidating behaviour.

I also am very upset by things being broken or damaged as in my first marriage I always used to feel I couldnt have anything nice and everything I owned was either fucking super-glued or cracked or damaged in some way - so I really over-reacted about the dents in my kitchen steel bin which I had bought myself for our (me and current DHs) house.

Colditz I will give my DH that analagy - next time we speak on this which I am going to do after Xmas. New year and all that is a good time I think to bring up - just how many more years do you think I am going to tolerate this - well I have news for you - this is the last one.

I also think I should openly speak to SS - as he is an adult after all allegedly - when its just me and him - and ask him what his plans are etc for getting a proper job,place of his own etc etc. Otherwise if his dad wont hear of it being mentioned and I'm too scared to bring it up then he could be forgiven really for thinking - oh I'll just stay here as long as I want - no-ones saying different.

The thing is he is so self-centred he would never just spontaneously think - well its about time I left my dad and Suda to it and got my own place - unless it was spelt out to him.

I think without being nasty I need to lay it on the line that I look forward to the day its just me and his dad and there is not just him in the equation and what is he doing about his future.

At least then I know his plans and if he did turn round and say - Oh I'm just gonna stay here as long as I want - or at least another five years or whatever - then I will tell him in no uncertain terms that is unacceptable to me and I will relay this to his dad and tell him the same and tell him to sort something - ask his exw to help if DH cant help alone financially.

Basically I need the courage to stand up and say I have more than done my bit and enoughs enough.