tricky DSS situ but no-one else understands why i'm annoyed at this

[jonesy71]

Just found out that DSS has approached DS's infant school to go there for his work experience week.

doesn't sound so bad like that, but DSS is difficult, disagreeable, disrespectful, you get the picture probably usual teenage stuff yes, - but i should be allowed to say it.

Anyway of late when he is here with us he refuses to spend anytime with DS (who worships him naturally) until usually the last minute before he is due to go home, and when does 'play' with him he very quickly gets him wound up and upset.

So all of a sudden he's sprung this stunt because 'he wants to spend time with him' - i just don't think it's appropriate. DS is there to go to school and DSS is supposed to be on work experience not for a jolly-up. (which by the way is first we have heard of it that he wants a career is this line of work!!)

I'm surprised that DSS school is okay with it, or that DS school will be okay with it.

I have to admit i'm fuming about it, not least of all because it's been done without consulting us, and maybe both schools have assumed we are aware and okay with it.

Be interested to know what other stepmothers would think in the same situation.

i have already said "i know people aren't going to agree and won't understand and without telling the story of every detail of my last 11+ year's as a stepmum every time i want to post, - i get that and fully expect that. "

And what do you think I would have got if I had started my op with a list of all the things that he has done that I think have been wrong, not the usual teenage stuff but really worryingly wrong ? 'he's a normal teenager' 'give him a chance' 'you sound like you hate him' 'your demonising him, - poor child' 'he's the child not you' - do you know how many times i have read posts to step mums and the same things are repeated like a standard response/attack on a step mum who is having difficulty understanding their step child.

I forget whose post it was i read in particular, but she was dealing with the most appalling things from her stepson, i mean really revolting and she was still told she was being unreasonable and hateful.!!

I actually thought that if i set it out basically 'he's a disrespectful teen who has no time for the child' that i may have got something else, - but no I had already 'demonised' him at the first hurdle.

Sometimes people only see what they want to.

I am thankful for the handful of people who have seen this issue for what it is and given me helpful direction.

Can I ask again Jonesy

"I believe his presence could change the dynamics of where DS fits into his class and possibly his behaviour, maybe not just for the week but it may have a lasting effect"

Jonesy - How do you think he will do this? Do you think the brother will tease your child and that the other children will in turn bully your child for the rest of his school days? Or that DS will play up and the teachers will label him as difficult? How old is your son by the way? :)

Am late to this but can see why OP might be concerned. Admittedly, some of her worries re: the amount of contact and/or opportunity for - shall we say - "high jinks" could be alleviated by speaking to the school about what form this work experience will take, and, on the face of it, it does sound quite touching and noble that a teen wants to "spend some time" with his younger brother.

However, I would question why that time can't be spent together at home as well as at school. It's as if SS is suggesting that he's prevented from spending time with younger brother at home which I'm sure isn't the case (?) as the OP has mentioned how the older boy refuses to spend time with the younger and generally ignores him.

Okay ..... let's say he has been thinking about things lately and does regret not having a better relationship with DS. All well and good ... but if I were in the OP's shoes I'd be very cautiously optimistic about this given the back history because what I wouldn't want is for SS to "spend time" with DS at school (who, if he worships his older brother, would be delighted by this) only for the situation at home to remain unchanged - for some weird reason. I should think my son would be doubly hurt and confused if his older brother seemed to be thawing (at school) but reverted to avoiding him elsewhere. I'd want to speak to SS and seek reassurances that his desire to "spend time" with DS wasn't a flash in the pan and that he was going to make that same effort wherever he happened to be from now on, given the potential otherwise for DS being hurt if this new found interest isn't consistent. Given that OP says she "found out", it doesn't sound like SS has discussed this at all with her or his dad .... so sure, I can see why she's annoyed .... as it's important SS understands that DS's hopes aren't raised (at school) unrealistically.

lifeinagoldfishbowl

my son is 6, he is a happy, sociable boy but can be self-conscious and embarrasses easily - probably like most children his age, he is aware when someone is laughing at him not with him.

yes i am concerned about all the things you mention maybe not to that extreme. my DSS has a huge amount of front and takes pleasure in making his youngers or his peers feel daft/ prove them wrong on something, say something inappropriate to show someone else up (sorry i know there must be a word for this but i don't know it!) but generally i have an uneasy feeling about that scenario, and if i don't follow my instinct on this i will be kicking myself when inevitably my son is affected badly by it.

catsmother - thanks you have understood the situation well.

Jonesy, you mentioned in one of your earlier posts that you 'now knew what you were going to do' - what decision did you reach?

Hi Petal, I have been to the school today to ask about it, they said they had not made the connection that he had a sibling at the school - (our surname isn't exactly unusual) so he obviously hadn't told them this piece of information.

Actually I think she was a bit surprised that a teen boy had approached them for work experience and failed to mention they had a sibling there. - but maybe that's me reading her wrong. Anyway she said that where possible it would normally be their policy not to place a work experience student with a sibling or even cousin, niece or nephew. She said that she would make sure this wasn't overlooked now that she was aware - and i didn't have to demonise him or anything

So the other thing is his Dad is going to suggest that as he will not be placed with his brother anyway, will he be reconsidering where he wants to go. Thankfully DH can see where i'm coming from now on this.

I think i'll crack open a bottle of Pinot to celebrate

jonesy given what you have said I would be concerned too, what your dss has done is weird given the circumstances. Personally I would (or preferably your DH in your case) raise your concerns tactfully at the school.

Maybe find other work experience stuff, though make it look like your DH had that idea.

Catsmother ime always has wise words btw.

Here's a for you :) Us step mums need all the hugs we can get.

Ok, so basically you are not interested in addressing my, reasonable, questions again?

I am sorry you are having a hrad time, as I have said, more than once I am actually quite happy to be very supportive of good step parents, but don't let that make any difference to your anger, I can see you have far bigger "issues" to deal with.

As for your solution, if you read back it was me who suggested it.

do you know what bellas, i have tried to address your questions, and have, so far resisted saying

it's not all about you, love

ok bellas, my reply of 9.40 this am was a reply for you really, i.e. i don't want to go into immense detail and others have proven i don't need to - they get the picture and have been able to understand and to help without condemning me.

Hmm, ok, shall we leave it there? Seems best to agree to disagree for the purposes of this thread than to drag over and over something that is not really that important to me but obviously is to you. I hope you and your dss manage to resolve the situation you are currently facing along with any others and that dss and ds manage to form a stronger bond as they both grow up.

Hi Jonesy, I'm very pleased you've spoken to the school, and it appears they share your concerns. The whole thing did seem slightly odd, and you were obviously right to question his motives.

At least you no longer need to worry about your son being upset at school.

And just think, in a couple of years your stepson will most likely be at university, or having a gap year in darkest Peru .... (fingers crossed) !!!

PS - enjoy your Pinot !!!

Hi Petal and all my other frazzled s/mum chums - oh btw - Q. How do you tell someone is a stepmum ??

A. YOU JUST BLOODY CAN OK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sorry - bad day - pass that Pinot round then dont be shy .

Can I just throw in my tuppence worth and suggest it might be point scoring to daddy dearest - my darling SS does this at every single given opportunity - and maybe the OP can just see through it which is what is getting her goat ?

And before anyone says this is mean and we should give DSSs a break etc etc then it is worth pointing out that after years of it you do see through it - and I am not a cynical person by nature (one big example - my DSS does not speak or is rude and beligerent when we are alone - the minute daddy comes in he asks me if I want a cup of tea).

oops

yes, my DSS is like this too, although he has never made me a cup of tea, he does appear from his pit seconds before DH walks through the door and makes out he has been charming and useful the whole time. So DH asks 'how's he been, good day?' and because I have a face of thunder not even needing to utter 'how d'you think my effin' day has been?' I'm the one who looks like a miserable intolerant bitch face..

Thanks for your tuppence Suda, I will keep a watchful eye out for this.

Thats amazing < cheers - slurp>, that is exactly what he does and I bend over backwards to improve relations in our house. Have tried allsorts to engage him,involve him more - even just get in the habit of a cheery bye or hi when he/I goes out/comes in. Started to shout it through his closed door even - just some niceties would be ..well..nice !

I can actually be banging around in the kitchen or vacuuming etc etc for two hours or more and he doesnt even come out of his room to say hi or acknowledge me. His room is downstairs btw - he bloody well knows I'm there.

The minute he hears his dad come in his door handle goes and out he pops - exactly as you described. Now even though this is first time he's seen me cos he's not surfaced he will greet his Dad and just act like he's already spoken to me IYSWIM.

Ive started waiting till him and his Dad have finished their chummy greetings and it goes quiet - then I pipe up - 'Hi DSS - how are you?' [evil emoticon]