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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

tricky DSS situ but no-one else understands why i'm annoyed at this

91 replies

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 14:18

Just found out that DSS has approached DS's infant school to go there for his work experience week.

doesn't sound so bad like that, but DSS is difficult, disagreeable, disrespectful, you get the picture probably usual teenage stuff yes, - but i should be allowed to say it.

Anyway of late when he is here with us he refuses to spend anytime with DS (who worships him naturally) until usually the last minute before he is due to go home, and when does 'play' with him he very quickly gets him wound up and upset.

So all of a sudden he's sprung this stunt because 'he wants to spend time with him' - i just don't think it's appropriate. DS is there to go to school and DSS is supposed to be on work experience not for a jolly-up. (which by the way is first we have heard of it that he wants a career is this line of work!!)

I'm surprised that DSS school is okay with it, or that DS school will be okay with it.

I have to admit i'm fuming about it, not least of all because it's been done without consulting us, and maybe both schools have assumed we are aware and okay with it.

Be interested to know what other stepmothers would think in the same situation.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

nellieistired · 14/10/2010 18:19

Can you not just go into the school and ask them what the arrangements will be - instead of getting worked up about it.

Tell them you are anxious that there may be high jinks(ok that may not be what you're thinking) but it gives the school chance to reassure you. Because if at any point you think the school will put up with messing you will be wrong.

He is there on work experience, they do not want to have to deal with poor behaviour out of dss or have him disrupting the class.

Meantime when you see dss you and dh have the chat about how it may have been a good idea to discuss this with you first instead of just landing it.

and dont lay any store on work experience being about future career choices. Its not in reality.

ib · 14/10/2010 18:20

When I was a teenager I completely ignored my half siblings at home.

However, when I was given a chance to go help out in their infant school I was delighted to take it, and by everyone's reckoning did a really good job. My sibs were chuffed to have their big sis be a figure of authority (of sorts) at school.

Maybe there is a teenager out there who plays with their much younger siblings in their free time as much as the younger ones would like, but if so I haven't met them.

I'm not a step parent but with seven marriages between my parents I've had a few and I have to say that you sound like a pretty awful one.

It's not your dss' fault his parents divorced and his dad got someone else - do try to remember that. He's the one missing out on living with one of his parents, your ds is the lucky one (if he is your dp's ds, of course)

YakkinTosh · 14/10/2010 18:20

I have had 6 years experience as a SM.
I can understand that it feels like an intrusion. I can understand that you often feel there are situations you cannot control. It goes with the territory and is not always easy. BUT those things re your problem. You sound resentful, defensive, and angry about this boy, who, honestly, sounds as if he is notbehaving beyond the normal boundaries of teenagedom. You married a man with a son. You need to work with your DH n a positive way, not fight against it.

I would be very upset if my teenager was viewed by another woman as you view your SS.

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 18:22

Petal you are indeed a petal and I am very grateful.

i find this place is really tough on stepmums, and i am amazed at how some want to make judgements and be critical because of assumptions they make about your life, - i have honestly been sat here gasping at some of the replies, it's a place to seek advice and understanding.

i know people aren't going to agree and won't understand and without telling the story of every detail of my last 11+ year's as a stepmum every time i want to post, - i get that and fully expect that.

But i just don't get why they have to attack in that way, why do they assume so much, and never take it as given that one has genuine reason to be concerned and therefore comes on here for a clue to get through.

anyway thanks again.

OP posts:

booooooooooyhoo · 14/10/2010 18:28

jonesy i get your point, you came here for advice and for someone to say i understand what you are going through. but what you also must accept when posting on a public forum is that there will also be people who can see the other side of the story and some who have been the stepchild. just because someone disagrees with you, doesn't mean you are wrong and they are right, it means tehre are two sides to it, as in all relationships.you seem a bit closed to teh idea that you stepson might be struggling with all that's going/gone on in his life and that he too may be having problems with your and his relationship. rather than him having some vendetta against you/your son.

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 18:29

Petal i just read your most recent post and it made me chuckle - right again, a bit of both.

thanks, i think i know what i'm going to do now.

in the meantime i'll let the others rage on, they seem to be enjoying themselves in their assumptions and judgements...

OP posts:

Petal02 · 14/10/2010 18:56

Jonesy, maybe you should come and join me and Suda for a large glass of white wine - it's a step mother's salvation!!!!!

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 19:08

'GULP" right again Petal, how do you keep doing that???

cheers!

OP posts:

YakkinTosh · 14/10/2010 19:34

You said in your OP that no one understands - and you seem to be right. Perhaps a big glass of wine and a chill IS the best solution!

pleasechange · 14/10/2010 20:39

Jones I can see why it is making you feel uneasy. Tbh I was thinking along the same lines as Petal when I read your posts and was worrying about if he wanted to try to upset your DS in some way in front of his friends at school.

Don't worry too much about people jumping at you with the accusations on here - pretty much standard for the majority to assume you're a big bad stepmother witch attacking an always well-meaning child

booooooooooyhoo · 14/10/2010 20:47

love the suggestion that anyone disagreeing with a step-parent is assuming they are a bad parent who is fair game

seriously, no-one is allowed to hold a different opinion now for fear they are labelled as a bitch or attacking the OP.

pleasechange · 14/10/2010 20:53

"love the suggestion that anyone disagreeing with a step-parent is assuming they are a bad parent who is fair game" - unfortunately that is the most frequent assertion levelled at any SM on here who has a problem. Personally I find it odd that the teenager has out of the blue chosen the same school that his half-sibling attends, despite having previously shown no interest in teaching, or the other child. Yes, I do find that odd. But others, because the OP is a SM, will jump on that fact and accuse her of demonising the step-child

booooooooooyhoo · 14/10/2010 20:58

yes others may but not every single poster that happens to disagree with OP will do so just because she is a stepmum. they (me included) just happen to think she could be a bit more openminded about it.

pleasechange · 14/10/2010 21:00

that's fine booyoo, of course in general there will be people who agree or disagree with the OP. All I'm saying to her is that the amount of accusations/vitriol (as opposed to genuine disagreement which would be expected in any thread) she's had levied at her are due to the fact that she's a SM. Sad, but true

BellasFormerFriend · 14/10/2010 21:17

Just for the record, incase it was aimed at me, I am not anti-SP. Infact I think good ones can be a very positive thing in a childs life. I also know that being the SP of a teenager is one of the most tough jobs out there, especially if you have joined a family with a teen rather than a younger child who grew into a teen IYSWIM.

As for stalking and antagonising step parents on this board, if you really think that of me search my posts on step-parenting, they speak for themself.

AFAICS you need to give your dss a chance here, he will not be able to wind your ds up or cause trouble. I still feel very much that you are being PFB and, yes, demonising your dss. So far you have mentioned nothing at all that is out of the ordinary yet you want us to believe he is some nasty who is out to "get" your ds. A glass of wine may well be a good start, you come across as a very stressed and angry person.

YakkinTosh · 14/10/2010 21:20

My reservations are down to genuine disagreement and doubt that the boy has dreampt up some malicious plot. It's very hard, sometimes, managing relationships between step-sibs. And any vitriol seems to be mainly from the OP towards this teenage boy. Not towards the OP. Anyway, get on with it as you like and as you see fit. There probably asn't a debate to be had in the dirt place, and it has sunk into guilt tripping now.

booooooooooyhoo · 14/10/2010 21:21

"AFAICS you need to give your dss a chance here, he will not be able to wind your ds up or cause trouble. I still feel very much that you are being PFB and, yes, demonising your dss. So far you have mentioned nothing at all that is out of the ordinary yet you want us to believe he is some nasty who is out to "get" your ds"

totally agree

teh DSS's behaviour sounds totally normal for his age and if tehre is a backstory of terrible behaviour then it would have been helpful to add that somewhere in teh trhead.

Petal02 · 14/10/2010 21:27

Hang on in there Jonesy, just looking for the corkscrew !!!!

cobbledtogether · 14/10/2010 21:37

OP - yep I can see why this has got your back up. Its easier to undertand if you swap DSD with 'Aunt'.

DSs Aunt never spends time with him, but then gets a job at DSs school so they can bond with them. Immediately you'd want to know why that bonding couldn't take place at home rather than intrude at DSs school.

I've just read the whole thread - Jonesy, Petal, I'm getting some wine as we speak. I also understand the diff between opinion and insult, but hard pressed to find it on the step-parenting pages. I love my DSD was a classic!

Ahhhhhhh

BellasFormerFriend · 14/10/2010 21:44

babyheave, because an "aunt" is most likely an adult, not an awkward teenager living as part of a step family away from the child in question. The dynamics are totally different and the two are not, really, interchangable.

bodycolder · 14/10/2010 22:06

Can you really not empathise with a teenage boy hormones raging from a family dynamic where he feels a nit 'spare'?This could be just the opportunity fro him to fit somewhere He may even be doing it to somehow impress/ please you and I am certai ly not being critical and am speaking from experience.Life is short your ds may really need/want his brother one day

lifeinagoldfishbowl · 14/10/2010 22:06

i believe his presence could change the dynamics of where DS fits into his class and possibly his behaviour, maybe not just for the week but it may have a lasting effect.

Jonesy - How do you think he will do this? Do you think the brother will tease your child and that the other children will in turn bully your child for the rest of his school days? Or that DS will play up and the teachers will label him as difficult? :) How old is your son by the way? :)

bodycolder · 14/10/2010 22:06

bit not nit dodgy keyboard

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 23:13

"So far you have mentioned nothing at all that is out of the ordinary yet you want us to believe he is some nasty who is out to "get" your ds""

actually i haven't said anything like this - but now you come to mention it, - how long have you got?????

you lot make me AHEM ....'LOL'

JeeeZ

OP posts:

BellasFormerFriend · 14/10/2010 23:43

jonesy, perhaps there is something I am missing here, your last post has really made me question myself so i am going to ask although I sense it is probably not a good idea given that you have not really addressed anything else I have said.

The posts you have given above do make me think that you feel your dss has got something against your ds, they do make me think that you believe he has some masty idea or plan for wanting to go to your ds school, I am not trying to be difficult or horrid, they genuinly do read like that to me. Is that not the case then? Am I miss-reading/miss-understanding? You seem to be saying that he must have a motive for doing this and that it cannot be a good one...is that right?

I am honestly confused now, you say that you do have reason to think he would be nasty to your son (at least I think that is what you mean in your last post) is that right? If so, what? Because if there is history of things against your ds then of course that would change my POV but I don't know about them as you haven't told us above!

I am really interested because you seem to have reacted to me quite badly yet I feel I have given you frank (admittidly also direct) answers to the points as I see them. I know I am not agreeing with you and that can be hard to accept but your reaction seems more than that so please tell me what it is that you think I am missing because I cannot possibly be any help without knowing that - and I actually do want to help - as I said above I think a good SP can be a fantastic thing for a child and I totally acknowledge that being SP to a teen can be some kind of hell!

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