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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

tricky DSS situ but no-one else understands why i'm annoyed at this

91 replies

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 14:18

Just found out that DSS has approached DS's infant school to go there for his work experience week.

doesn't sound so bad like that, but DSS is difficult, disagreeable, disrespectful, you get the picture probably usual teenage stuff yes, - but i should be allowed to say it.

Anyway of late when he is here with us he refuses to spend anytime with DS (who worships him naturally) until usually the last minute before he is due to go home, and when does 'play' with him he very quickly gets him wound up and upset.

So all of a sudden he's sprung this stunt because 'he wants to spend time with him' - i just don't think it's appropriate. DS is there to go to school and DSS is supposed to be on work experience not for a jolly-up. (which by the way is first we have heard of it that he wants a career is this line of work!!)

I'm surprised that DSS school is okay with it, or that DS school will be okay with it.

I have to admit i'm fuming about it, not least of all because it's been done without consulting us, and maybe both schools have assumed we are aware and okay with it.

Be interested to know what other stepmothers would think in the same situation.

OP posts:

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GypsyMoth · 14/10/2010 14:20

the school will probably keep them separate....my dd is doing work exp in same school as her brother

the school will be used to dealing with this

thisisyesterday · 14/10/2010 14:24

i am not a stepmum but i don't see what the problem is tbh

he wont' be allowed to be disruptive, disrespectful etc etc and he may have NOTHING to do with your ds while he is there.

they'll keep him busy, mark my words!

Bonsoir · 14/10/2010 14:27

Your DSS should, of course, have asked your opinion before approaching your DS' school. At which point you would have been quite within your rights to explain to your DSS why you didn't think it was a good idea.

I think you should explain this to your DSS (with your DH present), and that you would now like DSS to explain to both his school and your DS' school that he made this overture without DS' parents being aware.

thisisyesterday · 14/10/2010 14:29

why should he? he's allowed to do his work experience wherever he chooses. he doesn't have to explain anything to the school

he's there to WORK. he will probably have minimal contact with the OP's ds as it is. but even if he was in his actual classs.... does it matter??

GypsyMoth · 14/10/2010 14:31

is he gcse or a level student?

Bonsoir · 14/10/2010 14:31

Because it is very basic manners to ask the permission of people whose personal space you are going to enter whether or not they are OK with that .

BellasFormerFriend · 14/10/2010 14:36

All the places offering work experience are put on a website or in a booklet for the pople doing work experience to choose from, they get x number of choices and then are allocated, hopefully, from those choices.
It is work experience not play with the kiddies experience and the way your dss is at home will be totally different to the way he is on W.E. it is for all of them!

TBH I think you are being totally unreasonable and PFB about it! Your dss has as much right to work there as anyone else and, at 15ishyo, you have no right to expect input really, this is HIS opportunity to try out working for HIMSELF!

Honestly, I think you need to go and get yourself a little bit of perspective and let him get on with it!

BellasFormerFriend · 14/10/2010 14:37

Bonsoir, it is not the ops personal space - nor is it the op's ds's personal space either, it is a work placement at a place of work. None of them hold rights over it!

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 14:39

he is gcse,

Bonsoir - he is a very talented bullsh*tter so i do suspect that he has told his school it's okay will all !!

thisisyesterday, i think it matters because of the reasons i mentioned in my post and because i believe his presence could change the dynamics of where DS fits into his class and possibly his behaviour, maybe not just for the week but it may have a lasting effect.

OP posts:

BellasFormerFriend · 14/10/2010 14:42

The school would not have even asked him if it was ok with everyone, they do not ask you to declare "conflict of interest" for gcse work placements!

If you are really bothered just tell the school that they don't have a great relationship so could dss be kept in other classes where possible.

However, your dss sounds totally demonised by you as all you hae listed as problems are his "usual teenage stuff" which is just that - usual, not bad, not terrible, normal and a part of growing up!

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 14:51

Blimey, i've 'demonised' him ??? i've claimed that a 15year old boy is disrespectful and a talented bullsh*tter and that's demonising someone??

whoops.

OP posts:

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 15:39

dare i ask what is PFB ?

maybe i should have added that DSS lives 6 miles away and his own school is 7 miles away, so his choice to 'work' so far out of his way when there are no less than 10 alternatives nearer to him is questionable isn't it?

i am in no doubt about his motives, - that is not in question here, not by me anyway.

my concerns were firstly what effect it would have on ds, and secondly that we had not been consulted, - probably because he knew it would not really be on.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 14/10/2010 15:41

precious first born

if you can't cope with him being in your son's school, quite likely nowhere near your son, how do you deal with him being in your actual house?

it sounds like you don't like him very much at all. which is pretty sad.

thisisyesterday · 14/10/2010 15:42

and um, does the fact that "no-one else understands" why you are upset not make you wonder if you are being a bit unreasonable?

Bonsoir · 14/10/2010 15:43

thisisyesterday - you have said yourself that you are not a stepmother. Why don't you stop getting at the OP? You have no idea what it is like being a stepmother!

muddleduck · 14/10/2010 15:46

I can't see the problme myself.
Sounds to me like he wants a chance to spend time with your DS away from all parents/ste-parents.

TBH I'm struggling to work out what his evil ulterior motive might be.

That said, if you think he would be a bad influence then you could ask for him not to have contact wth your son's class. Would be pretty hard to explain to your son though.

booooooooooyhoo · 14/10/2010 15:47

sorry but i don't think you have any grounds to be this pissed off.

he will probably not be allowed near your son
if he misbehaves at all the school will contact his school and say they cannot have him back
maybe, just maybe, this is an attempt by him to show you and his dad that he wants to work and to be close to his brother.

bodycolder · 14/10/2010 15:47

Most boys of that age are talented bullshitters on the surface and still little boys inside.It sounds like he is trying to connect with his step brother and all of you but has been a bit cack handed about discussing it.I would let it be and encourage him somehow saying you are proud etc etc My ds is this age and it is a tricky time

GypsyMoth · 14/10/2010 15:48

schools tend to be oversubscribed for work experience anyway,may explain his choice,as he has some connection

he would also have no heed,and neither would either school,to inform you.

his gcse years are surely important?

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 15:49

no thisisyesterday it doesn't make me wonder because i know it's because none of my friends/family are stepparents, and neither are you

thank you Bonsoir

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 14/10/2010 15:49

no, i'm not a stepmother. doesn't mean i have no common sense though

she is clearly over-reacting

bodycolder · 14/10/2010 15:50

Why are you worried about the 'effect' on your ds?If he adores him then it should all be good!

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 14/10/2010 15:55

I would hope that the unreasonable act he puts on at your house is quickly got rid of at school, he's possibly a very nice boy. I can';t think he's organised his work experience to annoy or be a shit to your son and so there's a possibility it's a good thing?

I can see where you're coming from and I would be at best if a child who couldn't be arsed with mine suddenly wanted to be somewhere with said child, without me. I would feel totally powerless too.

Why do you think he's done it? (remember this is anonymous and you can be unreasonable)
To get close to his Dad? Have an excuse to stay with you for a week? Get away from his mother?

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 16:11

I would love to be unreasonable Posie but apparently stepmothers aren't even considered reasonable by some mners let alone permitted to be unreasonable.

(could it be that some anti stepmothers lurk on the board waiting to pounce??)

no, i don't think he's necessarily done it to be an annoying shit, but i do think he thought it would be 'a laugh' to be there with DS who (thank you for picking up on it) he can't be bothered with during weekends and holidays with him.

as for his reason... (i'll get my blindfold ready, may i have a last request?) wouldn't be at all surprised if his mother suggested it !!!!

ok i'm ready , fire away...

OP posts:

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 14/10/2010 16:17

Will he stay with you whilst it's happening? Has he asked? Only I really can't see why he'd do it if he can't be bothered with your DS.

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