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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

tricky DSS situ but no-one else understands why i'm annoyed at this

91 replies

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 14:18

Just found out that DSS has approached DS's infant school to go there for his work experience week.

doesn't sound so bad like that, but DSS is difficult, disagreeable, disrespectful, you get the picture probably usual teenage stuff yes, - but i should be allowed to say it.

Anyway of late when he is here with us he refuses to spend anytime with DS (who worships him naturally) until usually the last minute before he is due to go home, and when does 'play' with him he very quickly gets him wound up and upset.

So all of a sudden he's sprung this stunt because 'he wants to spend time with him' - i just don't think it's appropriate. DS is there to go to school and DSS is supposed to be on work experience not for a jolly-up. (which by the way is first we have heard of it that he wants a career is this line of work!!)

I'm surprised that DSS school is okay with it, or that DS school will be okay with it.

I have to admit i'm fuming about it, not least of all because it's been done without consulting us, and maybe both schools have assumed we are aware and okay with it.

Be interested to know what other stepmothers would think in the same situation.

OP posts:

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muddleduck · 14/10/2010 16:17

I am most certainly not an 'anti stepmother'.

And I can see why you would be really pissed off by your DSS's behaviour at your house.

but I genuinely have no idea why you would be fuming about him wanting to work at your son's school.

Petal02 · 14/10/2010 16:19

I'm not gonna shoot at you!!! But whatever his motives, good or otherwise, I doubt he'd have much access to your son while he's in a school environment?

YakkinTosh · 14/10/2010 16:32

He will be very closely supervised and have very little contact with his step-brother while in the school
No-one at his school, or your DS's, would have thought to ask or consult with you to see if it is OK - why should they? It's work experience.
If you wnat to cause a very unpleasant situation, including with your DH, follow Bonsoir's advice.
It isn't your DS's 'personal space' it's a school in which teenagers undertake work experience.
Teenage boys often avoid playing with infant aged boys,and don't like being pestered and adored by them. Even full brothers. Don't blame him for this. You will understand once you have a teenager.
He is likely to feel even more resentful given that his little SB lives with his Dad and he doesn't. Not to mention the fact that you do sound as if you don't like him, and resent him.
Try supporting him in his work experience.

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 16:33

yes i imagine he will be staying with us, he hasn't asked yet, it's a given i guess.

I am annoyed because it's yet another thing i haven't been consulted about and that i have no control over and it concerns my child, and i do find it bad manners and yes i admit to finding it an intrusion. so shoot me (again)

I can only hope Petal that the school will be sensible enough to place him in a different class.

OP posts:

booooooooooyhoo · 14/10/2010 16:38

"I am annoyed because it's yet another thing i haven't been consulted about and that i have no control over "

i think this is the crux of it. you have no control over it. i think you have a problem with him and the fact that he is going to be in contact with your son without you being there to control the situation is getting to you. sorry but he is entitled to a relationship with his brother without you having to be there all the time. not that i think he will have any contact with him in teh school.

bodycolder · 14/10/2010 16:40

What effect exactly do you think it will have?

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 16:45

why?, why should he be 'entitled to a relationship with his brother without you having to be there' when he can't be bothered with him in the home?

it's supposed to be 'work experience' not 'lets bond with my step brother'

OP posts:

Petal02 · 14/10/2010 16:47

Jonesy - maybe this is YOUR chance to shoot! Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this a case of a stepson who you have a difficult relationship with, already causes tensions and intrusions in your life, and now he decides he wants to spend time at your son's school. So, even though this is slightly illogical in theory, this feels like even more intrusion? I struggle with my stepson, and sometimes just his presence causes me to have irrational thoughts? Not being critical, just trying to understand this better.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 14/10/2010 16:48

OP... I think you are being a little unreasonable, but I imagine being a step parent is hard, being a parent of a teen is hard and the two combined will be a nightmare!! (one of the reasons I always avoided men who had dcs was because I know I am not cut out to be a step mother). I'm not sure you should be consulted too much when it comes to a child staying with their own Dad, it's another one of those things that goes hand in hand with step parenting, although you should be told.

If he was your birth son, like ds, you may find you wouldn't be consulted, you wouldn't find it an intrusion, you wouldn't feel powerless and so you have to remember that your DS is DSS sibling and that means a lot to the both of them.

I think I'd feel the same as you even though it's more about power and control than anything else.

nellieistired · 14/10/2010 16:48

I am a stepmother (if that gives me any more credence?) of a teenage boy.

Tbh the relationship you describe sounds pretty much normal between siblings especially if there is a big age gap. Yes it would be nice if they were more involved but it doesn't always work out like this.

And teenagers are self absorbed /selfish at the best of times.

As for working in the school I wouldn't be bothered. He has a conncetion and if you give him te benefit of the doubt it is actually quite nice that he thouht it would be fun to with his little brother (although he will probably be disappointed there .

Btw he hasn't told you because he is a teeage boy. They have teenage alzheimers.

OrmRenewed · 14/10/2010 16:50

"Because it is very basic manners to ask the permission of people whose personal space you are going to enter whether or not they are OK with that "

That means he needs to ask permission of all the parents of all the children in the school presumably.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 14/10/2010 16:50

And perhaps you not being there is a good thing? For all you know DSS may think you're the thing between his Mum and Dad or even himself and his Dad?

OrmRenewed · 14/10/2010 16:51

And surely if you are applying for work experience in a school you'd go to the place you are familiar with.

booooooooooyhoo · 14/10/2010 16:52

of course he is entitled to a relationship with his brother.

are you saying that because he hasn't shown any interest in the past that means he can never attempt to bond with him? what about giving him a chance?

and yes teenage boys rarely want to be bothered with younger children most of the time, especially if the younger child has the monopoly on dad's time and affections.

he is the teenager here, not you.

MackerelOfFact · 14/10/2010 16:53

I don't really understand the problem. DSS will be fully supervised as will your DS, it's not like they'll wheel DSS in front of DS' class and give him free reign over leading the class for fortnight. He'll probably spend most of the time cutting things out and listening to DCs read. Does it 'change the dynamics' of the class and behaviour when a parent helper listens to readers or helps out with displays?

I know lots of people who have completed/provided work experience with close family members. I don't think it's frowned upon.

I also think you're being harsh on DSS for not wanting to play with DS - what 15-year-old wants to constantly play with (from his POV, based on your description of their interaction) a clingy, stroppy under-7-year-old?

And for whatever difference it makes, I am a SM.

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 16:53

pretty close petal, although may i exchange 'irrational thoughts' for 'an uneasy feeling'

thanks for your understanding, this is really hard.

OP posts:

booooooooooyhoo · 14/10/2010 16:54

and again, i don't think the school will allow him much time with his little brother anyway. he will be too busy doing things like sticking posters up in the classroom or printing out notes to put in pupils' bags.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 14/10/2010 16:58

It's all right OP we are all unreasonable!! When most of us have teens in our lives they are ones we can blame ourselves for and just about love despite being selfish, unpleasant little shits. When mine reach that age I'll at least be able to remember when I liked them!!

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 17:37

mackerel - you cannot compare a parent to a 15 year old boy who seems to not give 2 shits about his brother and suddenly wants to spend time with him at his school

incidently he's neither clingy nor stroppy, just gets upset when ignored for entire weekends

boooyhoo as i said before work experience is not the place for bonding with your step brother really

OP posts:

booooooooooyhoo · 14/10/2010 17:55

and as i said before, which you seem to be ignoring, is that he will probably not be allowed very much contact with his brother. so really you have no issue.

Petal02 · 14/10/2010 18:00

Jonesy, I'm pleased I got close to understanding. I agree with the poster who commented that work experience is not the right place to develop family bonding. The more I read, the more it does all seem slightly odd. I understand that as you have a challenging relationship with stepson, you must have thought "why, of all the schools he could have chosen, did he have to choose that one." And as he doesn't have much time for your son normally, it makes his choice even more curious.

I mentioned before that you may find this a further intrusion, even if it's not rational. I often find my stepson intrusive, even though he rarely does anything wrong. And that's not rational either, but it's just how I feel.

I wonder if his choice of school is borne out of antagonism at some level.

And if the work experience means he has to stay at your house when he doesn't normally, and as this was agreed without you being consulted, that's another reason why I can understand you feeling riled.

Original poster

jonesy71 · 14/10/2010 18:06

boooooyhoo

so why keep banging on about me not letting him bond then...

OP posts:

booooooooooyhoo · 14/10/2010 18:09

because he may be seeing this as an attempt to do so. what i am saying is, just because he hasn't done in teh past, don't just dismiss this as him being antagonistic, he could be trying in the silly, naive way that teenagers sometimes do.

Petal02 · 14/10/2010 18:11

Just had another thought - and I hope I'm wrong here - but is stepson slightly jealous or resentful of your son, and thinks he could (in a subtle way) wind him up at school, upset him in front of his classmates, or other unpleasant things, that could easily be 'justified' by pretending to be joking, playing or messing around?

Its just that this issue was on my mind while driving home from work, and I can suddenly see why the OP might be a tad uneasy.

Or am I reading too much into it, and the stepson is simply quite unpleasant and you'd rather not have him on your son's 'turf.'

Slambang · 14/10/2010 18:18

How lovely that he wanted to be placed in a school with his stepbrother. Most 15 year olds would probably think that that was their idea of embarrassing teenage hell.

Perhaps you could take it at face value?

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