Very unhappy

[janet102]

I would like to ask whether it seems 'reasonable' to set a limit with regard to the length of time a stepchild lives with you. I am asking because my husband has a son who will be turning 18 soon (I'll call him A) and we have a dd of our own, who is only young. He has been living with us for a while now and it has not been easy going - without going into too much detail we have been through a number of problems, and life at home has become quite difficult at times. He comes and goes as he likes, has his own transport (thanks to his father) and he will probably be working full-time soon (we HOPE - 'work' does not seem very high on his list of priorities).

In a nutshell I have been very unhappy in this situation and it has affected my marriage, as well as the quality of the time I spend with my dd. My husband acknowledges that there are quite a few problems but since he has tried many times to talk to A, he probably doesn't really know what to do next. I feel very 'down' a lot of the time (just about every day) and I know that I am preoccupied with A, and with wanting to have a sense of peace and harmony in my home again. I really feel quite trapped. My husband thinks it's reasonable for A to move out once he's 18 and I don't see why he can't, if he's able to support himself. He has older siblings that he could share accommodation with, but knowing A, he does not like to take responsibility for anything and doesn't seem keen to work, therefore I really don't know how long he intends to live under his father's roof. He is determined to have his own freedom, but at the same time he probably won't like the responsibility of fending for himself and having to earn his own money. I know I am repeating myself but I really feel quite desperate and I know that my dd senses that I am unhappy, which makes me even sadder still.

Hi Janet102,can I be frank and honest and please dont take offence but when your dd turns 18 will she be told to leave home.
I get the impression that you resent him and him being in your home.Do you feel like he is an intruder? Do you just put up with the situation because he is your dh's son?Am I right in thinking this.
I do understand how you feel (I have 2 ss's myself, they live elsewhere)

Erm, does your dh really think it is fine for an 18 year old to be told to leave home? I would have been utterly, utterly devastated to be told to leave home at that age. He is your stepchild but he is your dh's child. Would you think it OK if you remarried and your new dh insisted your daughter left at 18? I'm very sorry if this seems harsh, but I am a stepmother myself (she doesn't live with us) so I do know that it can be a difficult relationship, but while I would hate any child of mine to still be living with me at 25, say, I think 18 is very young to fend for yourself and very young to feel pushed out of your home. I'm not sure what the answer is, frankly, as you seem so unhappy. When and if he is working full or even part time a lot of the pressure might lift as you would have the house to yourself all day and I expect his social life keeps him out a lot in the evening.

Oh Janet,

I have stepchildren too, (tho they don't live with us) and find my stepdaughter very trying to get on with, I would be horrified if she came to live with us BUT ....
I don't think it's fair to order your stepson to leave home, even if his father agrees. I think that may well be storing up more trouble (living rough, begging or worse, god knows what else) which will come back on you later.

I DO believe it's fair for you to expect him to earn a living, and for you and his father to help him find a job (buy the local paper, help him look for the right vacancy, contribute financially to buying the interview suit etc), and to expect him to pull his weight as an adult around the house (do his own laundry, cleaning, pay a share of the phone bill, pay board when he gets a job, stuff like that)

He is a member of your family. When you married your dh his children were part of the package, you can't disown them, or expect your husband to throw your stepson out just to suit you. I'm sorry you have such a problem regarding your stepson, but please think carefully, how would you feel if the position were reversed, and your husband wanted you to send your child away just because of age.

hi janet. there was a similar thread recently - have a look at this . i wonder if there might be other ways to tackle your unhappiness other than A moving out? e.g. would you like more acknowledgement and support from your dh in terms of how the situation is affecting you? or as easy mentioned, would a reassessment of the "house rules" be in order? would it help to talk to a family counsellor, on your own if necessary? if you are desperate, then something has to change, that is clear, but perhaps there could be other options for you all.

hth and good luck.

Was lobbed out by stepmonster at 18. Maybe he just needs a liyttle time to realise he is going to have to support himself and just grow up a bit.

I never forgave her and if you can look at yourself in the mirror and say you would do this to your DD then do it to him.

You took on his kids with all of their trials and tribulations when you married him - stepmothers everywhere please remember that!!

You know, it's very easy to say that it's 'unfair' to him and everything else when you have not experienced living day in, day out with all the endless problems associated with it. What if he wants to move out? My husband moved out of home at 17 because he lived in a stepfamily situation and no one was really happy in it. A's brother moved out of home when he was 19, which is not much older than 18.

'A' has caused a number of problems for us, and he seems to just keep taking and taking. When my husband asks him what he intends to do with himself (work? study?) it's the same answer every time - "I dunno." He apparently just wants to have several months off doing nothing, but does not have any income to support himself while he does this. He defies our house rules and tries to 'con' us when it suits him. Would anybody out there enjoy living with this indefinitely?

Boe was there a reason your stepmother asked you to leave? My brother-in-law was asked to leave home by his father and stepmother when he was around 17 as well, because he was making everyone's life hell. I can see why they would've asked him to leave too, as he even admits himself that he was a complete b*trd when he lived with them. There has to be a line drawn somewhere.

I do not feel comfortable living here and it's my own home. When my husband's not around, A tries to push the limits all the time and constantly tries to take advantage of the fact that my husband's not around - I feel like I am just seen as some kind of 'servant'. I've even had words with him a few times about this and nothing changes. Imagine living like that every day.

And I'm obviously finding it hard to get to sleep.

As the mum of two boys now in their 20's, a 16yr old dd and a 7yr old dd, I would suggest that it isn't uncommon for 18yr olds to not know what they want to do in life and that few are able to support themselves 100% in financial and emotional terms at such an age. (Indeed, depending on a means test, parents are obliged to support an over-18yo child if they are a student!) At this age many youngsters, particularly boys, are half way between child and adulthood. They want to throw off the shackles of being dependent on parents yet they have still to acquire all the skills needed for complete freedom. The behaviour described goes with the territory of being a teenager, IME, it's a bit like a toddler testing the boundaries. They push and push, to see how far a parent will go, whether they can be relied upon for support or whether the love is conditional on good behaviour etc.

Of course no one would enjoy living with such behaviour but I think teeth have to be gritted until the storm has passed. At the same time, parents don't have to be doormats. An 18yr old is capable of doing their own washing, cleaning their own room, making their own meals if they don't like/don't come home for family meals.

Obviously if your ss wishes to move out, then that's a different scenario, and the question of setting limits isn't really an issue because he'd be leaving anyway. But even so, he still deserves support and needs to know he has somewhere to turn in a crisis. I think the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open, even when it seems to be a one-way process. I haven't yet read it myself, but I have heard a lot of praise for this book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen etc as an aid to dealing with teenagers. Good luck.

I think the question is still, would you do this to your own flesh and blood? I know it's your home, but it's his home too. I think if I told my husband that his daughter had to leave home so young he would be horrified and put his foot down. I also suspect you have a pretty normal teenager on your hands. Many, many teenagers have a few months off after A levels and before they go to university/start looking for paid employment. It's a big deal in your life. At 18 I was certainly not equipped for entirely independent living. I think it might be better to look at ways of solving your problem than asking your husband to reject his son. I agree with Boe, stepkids are part of the package when you marry someone with children. It's not their fault that their father doesn't live with their mother. Is there any way your ss can stay with his mother or other relatives or friends for part of the summer to take the pressure off?

Janet I agree with suedonim and aloha that that sort of behaviour is typical of most teenagers.They are pains in the bum.

Janet I get the impression that you have no control over either your home or A(when his dad is out he pushes the boundaries)Sorry but I would get his bum into gear. Remember it is foremostly your home aswell as your husbands. Kids grow up and leave.You both need to set some ground rules, which I think you have, if A doesnt abide by them, inform him if he doesnt like them then he can get out. And yes I apply this principle with my own children.
Remember children grow up and leave home eventually, so what is the point on arguing with your spouse and resentments building.At the end of the day all you have is your spouse to live with the rest of your life.
As being part of the package, yes I do agree with that to a point.But when that package(one ss in my case) has pushed the boundaries so much that you begin to detest the very thought of him, sorry but I dont have much to do with him. Dh even agrees with me. He has to earn my respect now.

Also here is a dilemma. My SIL has my 2 nephews and 2 nieces as her stepchildren. The eldest one tried to push her down the stair when pregnant by my brother and told her that he hated her and wanted rid of any baby that belonged to her.She has been with my brother about 4 yrs and is really a paragon of patience. Anyway a couple of months back he told her to f--- off. she clipped him across the earhole in front of my brother and told him never to speak to her in that manner. My nephew who is 12 pressed charges. She was kept in a holding cell for over an hour and received a caution.What do you all think?

I agree with you doormat - I don't think an older teenager should be able to get away with the kind of behaviour that is continually causing grief to the rest of the family, particularly when they are old enough to be earning an income and are legally classified as 'adults'. If they don't wish to 'tolerate' the home environment (eg. rules etc), then they should considering moving out. In my opinion it is still the parents' home and that should be respected.

I think it is ridiculous what happened to your SIL doormat, and I feel very sorry for her. It's terrible that a 12 yr old can actually get away with such dreadful behaviour.

Aloha in what way am I asking my husband to 'reject' his son? How do you know that my husband hasn't had enough of his own son's behaviour? You may think that 18 is 'very young', but I distinctly remember planning to move out when I was around 18 1/2 because I did not like my home environment, and that was with my own parents!!!! I had no relationship at all with my father, both my parents worked all the time but they still managed to be strict. I remember how much tension was in the house and I felt like the only way I could be free, was to move out. I really do not believe that all young people of 18 would be as ill-prepared as you say you were at that age, to move out.

There are too many issues here to list, but the fact is that in the beginning before A moved in, my husband and I actually discussed between ourselves how long he would stay. So this is something that was already talked about before he even moved in. We have also tried, as you suggested Aloha, to get A to go and stay with other relatives/friends to give us a break, but he insists on just coming and going as he pleases. It seems so hard to organise just one thing with him, he is very stubborn. I am not a confrontational person at all but having A around, I have HAD to learn to be - which continually makes me feel stressed and uneasy.

'A' actually told my husband a few months ago (in his own words, when he was p**d off about something), "I'll be gone soon and then I won't have to listen to YOU anymore." And this was all because he had done something quite unacceptable and my husband was angry at him - and quite rightly so. So he was obviously already considering moving out once he was old enough.

Also Aloha, if my own flesh & blood was causing me enough problems at that age, yes I would have to consider that perhaps the living arrangements may need to be changed. There would have to be a limit to what I could take. But one fundamental thing cannot be changed here and that is that at the end of the day if I have borne my own child, reared it, loved it, sacrificed parts of my own life for it, and have been loved greatly in return by that child, then I am obviously going to feel differently toward that child than someone else's child, who I have not had a great deal to do with over the years except for the odd weekend visit, and then having to have them live with me full-time when they are practically an adult. Life may be unfair like that but at the same time, 'A' would obviously love his mother first and foremost and his loyalties will always be to her, whereas he probably only views me as someone who came into his life due to various circumstances, not because he wanted me there. I fully accept this and understand it, because he has not grown up with me and I in turn have not raised him. I am not saying that I don't accept him because I always have, but living together when he's virtually an adult has proven to be extremely hard and I'm being honest in saying that I don't wish it to go on indefinitely.

Thanx taboo she really is a wonderful SIL who puts up with alot.I really feel it for her.

Aloha I agree with your point about it is not the childs fault that the mum and dad dont live together but in some situations it is not the stepmothers fault neither. Some of us do get a lot of c--p and resentment from our stepchildren and they blame us for the relationship breakdown even though it had nothing to do with us.
I have said this before and I admire your relationship with your stepchild. (forgot the sex sorry but think it is a girl)You are very lucky.

Janet what time limit did you put?

Also about what A said to his dad. I have had that with my eldest 2 girls and when they come out with that spiel all I say is "fine go then".They soon back down as they know which side their bread is buttered.

Janet102, I accept I was too harsh in my tone - in my defence I have hideous food poisoning and feel crap. I do think you sound really unhappy and things have to change. Of course you feel differently about your own child, I was just trying to suggest that all the feelings you have for your child, your dh presumably has for both children. I know my dh loves both his children equally wheras I don't have the passion for my stepdaughter that I do for my son - probably because we have never lived together for any length of time. I think it is sad that you felt you had no option but to leave home at 18 due to your unhappy circumstances at home, and was just trying to suggest that maybe it would be equally sad for that to happen again. I think Suedonim implied that once you get through the difficult teenage period a different person could emerge. Obviously I don't know your circumnstances properly, but I wonder why his coming and going presents such a problem? Presumably he isn't bothering you much by doing so? It's surely better than sticking around all day playing music at top volume! I suspect most teenagers come and go like this and maybe one short term way of dealing with it is to accept it, and not make any special arrangements around him or cook meals he may not turn up for etc. I know I am very, very lucky with my stepdaughter. She's a really lovely girl who cooked us a special meal for our anniversary recently. Long may it continue!

Hi Janet102- Sorry you are so unhappy.

How long has your stepson lived with you and why did he suddenly move in as an older teenager, if this is what happened?

Aloha I suppose there's a certain amount of 'taking over the house' that comes with someone of his age - they leave a trail of c**p all the time, make hundreds of phone calls, devour all your food, and the laziness can be quite unbelievable. I know this is supposedly normal but that's what I mean by comes and goes as he likes - now I know what parents mean when they say they feel as though they're running a restaurant or a hotel. It just feels like such an invasion, that's the only way I can describe it. Having my dd around seems a lot easier in comparison.

Anyway Scummymummy he's here because his mother doesn't live in the same town anymore - she moved around quite a lot when the kids were young and now that they're older, I suppose they've established friendships and prefer to remain where they know people. He has siblings and other relatives nearby though, so it's not like it's just me and his father.

Doormat originally we agreed that his son would probably stay til he's around 18, because my husband feels as though 'A' will be more than happy to move out as soon as he's able. He has told my husband several times that he can't wait to be free of his 'rules', so this is why I think he may want to go. In some ways it seems young but considering this is not his original home environment anyway, it may not matter to him too much where he lives (you know what I mean - with relatives or with friends). Don't want to sound totally uncaring but it's just one of those tricky situations.

It's not the end of the world to leave home at 18. I left at 16 and it did me good. I was much happier, and I learned how to manage for myself.

Also the door can be left open for him to come back if he decides perhaps he could respect your rules better.

I know all the points about it being harsh to tell him to leave are true, but I think it's hard to over-estimate the stress of a situation like this. It is simply NOT the same as having your own teenage children living with you, however fond a relationship you have. I can see it might be if you have brought the child up, but not in a situation where they have their own mother and have only moved in as a teenager. I have been there, and it is amazingly stressful. I hope you can come to a compromise. It has to be a case of helping him to find somewhere he wants to live, not chucking him out, but it sounds as though that might be possible. I take it there's no way you can give him any kind of separate space other than a bedroom, to try and give him more independence and you more privacy?Janet102, good luck.

I just cannot believe what I am reading here - you married his father - you got him and to say that because you have not caried him, nurtured him etc. means that you can treat him differently based on the amount of love you have for him is in my mind disgusting.

Sit down with him take his keys away and confront the situation - tell him he will have to pay x amount or he will not get fed and his clothes etc. will not be washed.

I am saddened and disgusted at what I have read here and I hope to god that my DP never ever feels like this about my daughter no matter what she does.

Boe, I agree with you.
Janet, You seem very defensive over the replies we've given here, your first posting suggested you and your dh were about to order A to leave, and that really can't be on, when you offered him a home in the first place. I am unclear too, when you and dh discussed that A wouldn't stay very long, was he in on these discussions?

Can you think back to being a teenager? it's a very confusing time. I think most teenage boys will live as A is doing if they can, it's up to you and dh to work at breaking the cycle.

First it's important that you and dh decide HONESTLY between you what you want (for example, could dh be telling you he wants A to leave, but telling A something different, just to keep things calm?).
When that is decided you need to sit down together with A and tell him what you would like to happen. PLEASE don't just baldly tell him to get out. If you both really do want him to leave, Offer to help him find an alternative (perhaps with his other relatives). That may solve the problem.

You may find that, despite what he says in a heated argument, he really wants to stay, in which case you need to work out a compromise. point out his responsibilities, tell him what privileges he can have in return.

Make sure your dh knows how A treats you when he's out, and that he supports you. BUT make sure you are fair in your treatment of A. Don't be tempted to snipe at him when dh is out, because that lowers you to the same level.

I feel sorry for your situation, but also think it's a bit tough that this kid (which is what he still is, even tho' old enough to vote drink and marry) was sort of foisted on you cos his mother moved away.

As I said before, as your husbands son he is your family. Families often cause as much grief as joy over the course of your life, it's just part of life's rich tapestry.

This problem doesn't have a quick fix. you all need to learn to compromise.
I wish you lots of luck and patience.

Janet - I am sure it is hell to live with your SS but equally I am sure it is hell (IMO anyway!) to live with most teenagers. I am sure 95% of all teenagers behave exactly the same. I do appreciate how difficult it is but, as others have said, your DH came as a 'package' and you just have to accept it. You may find you are just as fed up when your DD becomes a teenager.

I am not sure if you could even 'throw out' your own child; a close friend of mine has a teenage daughter going through a very difficult stage (been going on over 3 years!!) drugs, sex, alcohol, stealing, in trouble with the police, not working, you name it ............. my friend has tried everything and as she now says 'the only thing left is physically to throw her daughter out' (actually easier said than done, she confiscated her key & she just broke in)........ but that would be likely to mean she ends up on the streets or squatting ......... I am sorry Janet, its not easy, I do sympathise but like the toddler years I think its just something most parents have to go through.

Firstly tamum, thank you for your reply and for your support. At least someone here understands.

Boe I find your response to me equally disgusting. You obviously have no idea what it's like to be in this position, because in your situation the shoe is on the other foot. Your stepmother asked you to leave home (I did ask you what the reason was for that?), and now you have a partner who is not the father of your child, so obviously you are going to take the opposite stance. It doesn't make it fair for you to judge me or my situation.

And Easy, we are not in the process of "throwing him out", I wish people would choose their words more carefully. If my responses sound defensive it's because I'm getting harsh answers from people who have never been in my position, and who don't even wish to try to understand. DH told 'A' at the beginning of this that it wouldn't be for an indefinite period of time and he was ok with that. For heaven's sake my husband also has the kind of job that hardly allows him any spare time and we may even be moving in the next couple of years so where does that leave 'A'? I have also spoken to dh over the last few days and he said he does not like his son's attitude and doesn't want him here if he is just going to 'bum' around and not even try to get any work, but expect us to financially support him at the same time. To us that is "just not on" either.

Boe & Easy, if I had to remain in a situation where I was extremely unhappy and felt I couldn't live around it anymore, would it be more acceptable to both of you if I took my child and moved out myself? Because that is what I feel like doing much of the time, but that would destroy my own family unit. Obviously you think that my stepson should remain here no matter what. I find that ludicrous when he's old enough to support himself.

Anyway thank you tamum and doormat, and to the few people on here who have been helpful.

Boe, if I have incorrectly assumed that your daughter has a stepfather I apologise. But I still stand by everything else I have said. There is only so much confrontation a person can take and I would be very surprised if other stepparents didn't feel the same way.

I have read through older threads on this topic and it seems that other posters have received the same kind of harsh answers that I have received. Perhaps I should've checked there first.

janet102, I'm afraid you have found out the hard way that there are some very strong opinions amongst Mumsnetters, but don't dismiss us all because of that- if you asked another question, you might get an equal number of responses in your favour. One of the "advantages" of a bulletin board is the anonimity- people will be able to say things they wouldn't dream of saying to your face, so you will get a range of responses.

You did ask in your first paragraph if it was reasonable to set a time limit on your ss living with you- the very fact that you asked the question suggested that you had doubts- did you really expect everyone to jump to your defence?

Please stick around- Mumsnet can be very supportive; we've all received answers we don't like on one thread, and ones we do like on another.