Very unhappy

[janet102]

I would like to ask whether it seems 'reasonable' to set a limit with regard to the length of time a stepchild lives with you. I am asking because my husband has a son who will be turning 18 soon (I'll call him A) and we have a dd of our own, who is only young. He has been living with us for a while now and it has not been easy going - without going into too much detail we have been through a number of problems, and life at home has become quite difficult at times. He comes and goes as he likes, has his own transport (thanks to his father) and he will probably be working full-time soon (we HOPE - 'work' does not seem very high on his list of priorities).

In a nutshell I have been very unhappy in this situation and it has affected my marriage, as well as the quality of the time I spend with my dd. My husband acknowledges that there are quite a few problems but since he has tried many times to talk to A, he probably doesn't really know what to do next. I feel very 'down' a lot of the time (just about every day) and I know that I am preoccupied with A, and with wanting to have a sense of peace and harmony in my home again. I really feel quite trapped. My husband thinks it's reasonable for A to move out once he's 18 and I don't see why he can't, if he's able to support himself. He has older siblings that he could share accommodation with, but knowing A, he does not like to take responsibility for anything and doesn't seem keen to work, therefore I really don't know how long he intends to live under his father's roof. He is determined to have his own freedom, but at the same time he probably won't like the responsibility of fending for himself and having to earn his own money. I know I am repeating myself but I really feel quite desperate and I know that my dd senses that I am unhappy, which makes me even sadder still.

Thanks everyone.

One question that I haven't responded to yet was why I asked the question in the first place (about wanting to set a time limit for 'A' to move out) if I thought that it may be wrong to do so.

I really asked the question because I wasn't sure about the answer, never having been faced with it before. I suppose I was hoping for responses from people who had 'been there, done that' and who may have been through a similar situation. I was also wondering how to resolve the problem with as little hurt/insult/resistance as possible for everyone involved, basically because the ongoing tension can't be good for anyone.

I thought some of you may be interested in something I found on-line at a stepparenting site - "the question as to if you can put a limit on how long a stepchild can live with you is covered in a book on stepfamilies, aptly named STEPFAMILIES, by Dr. James H. Bray and John Kelly. There is a chapter called "A Stranger in My Own House" and in this section the authors state that it is important to establish a firm time frame in a situation like yours, (including the possibility of until graduation from high school), and once established it should be stuck to. This book is the result of a study regarding step-families, where families were met with over a long period and then summarized the results and stages of stepfamilies.?

I thought it was interesting that some people out there have come to the conclusion that perhaps it is the best thing to do, obviously provded that the stepchild still has your help & support when they need it. Anyway the whole subject seems to be a very contentious one doesn't it, and some people here may still not agree.

Boe just quickly, 'A' is using the car to drive to and from a course that he is doing at the moment. Once that is finished (quite soon), dh will be taking the keys away and stopping the petrol money until 'A' finds a job. This of course doesn't excite me from the point of view that if he has no money & no car, he won't be able to go anywhere!! But perhaps it will prompt him to get his backside into gear quick smart... otherwise I don't know what we'll do next.

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Thanks for your message stressyhead. While I understand what you're saying, I think the fact that I'm living with a near-adult who has caused us quite a few problems (resulting in our relationship going off the rails quite badly at times), I'm not feeling nearly as positive as you and I'm pretty sure that I won't.

Another stepmother I know (who has an 18 yr old living with her) said that she won't be able to relax in her own home until her SS moves out, and that sometimes she finds reasons not to go home to her own house because she knows he'll be there. It's pretty awful living like that and while I know all the reasons why I should try to look at the situation differently, sometimes it's just not possible to do it. For my onw particular circumstances anyway, I think everyone will be a lot happier when this chapter in our lives is over.

That should've been 'own'.