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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I become invisible during access visits

79 replies

cobbledtogether · 02/10/2010 23:56

I have a step daughter, who is lovely and we get on fine.

My problem is that I just can't work out what happens to my DH when she's visiting. Its like I become invisible and my feelings mean nothing.

Earlier today I came downstairs to find that they had both gone out. Nothing had been mentioned about going out, they'd just gone. I had no idea where to or how long. At first I thought they'd gone to the shop, but after an hour they'd not come back, so I texted to ask how long they'd be so I could make plans - no reply.

I waited for about another 30 mins then text again. No reply, but they came back about 15 mins after that. As soon as SD was out of earshot, I got an earful about texting and chasing them up as he was allowed to spend time without me there.

This really annoyed me as of course he is and I don't interfere in their time, but I thought it was fair enough on a Saturday to want to know if they were going to be out all day and also thought it was reasonable for him to mention that they were going out in the first place.

This isn't the first time this has happened and its really beginning to piss me off.

I could possibly understand his actions if SD and I didn't get on, but we actually like each other and spend time alone when DH is at work quite happily.

He says I need to understand that her visits are their time. I say that's fine, but it shouldn't stop him from at least letting me know if they are off out somewhere.

I'm beginning to wonder if it is me Confused

OP posts:
chandra · 03/10/2010 00:00

It is not you. You are not interfering with their relationship, you are just asking for some courtesy here. You also want to know if you are expected to do something or not.

I would talk to him, but if that doesn't work. Things are simple, as soon as they disappear without telling you, you do the same. I guess he won't be happy wondering whether you are coming back in 5 minutes or at the end of the day.

WildistheWind · 03/10/2010 09:23

Agree with Chandra- it's not on to act like you're not there.

Having 1-on-1 time with his daugther is fine but it is not a reason to treat you as such.

He has guilt issues and need to sort them out.

It's not you- you sound lovely and sensible

Tryingnottoswear · 03/10/2010 12:11

Oh dear - this sends all sorts of warning signs!!
No it is most certainly NOT you!
He has to shape up, or you ship out.
End of.
And mean it as well. This will be no kind of life for you otherwise.

ChocHobNob · 03/10/2010 13:42

Definitely not you. How bloody rude is he?!

houseproject · 03/10/2010 20:06

Odd behaviour and certainly not natural. Can't help wonder if he is jealous of your good relationship with SD. I hope you resolve this as he seems to be creating a problem when there really shouldn't be one.

Bonsoir · 03/10/2010 20:08

Definitely not OK. Your DH is being very rude towards you by ignoring you (as if you weren't part of the family) when your SD is around.

Bonsoir · 03/10/2010 20:09

I'm often quite glad when DP takes the DSSs out - I don't particularly relish entertaining teenage boys all weekend. But we do discuss it!

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/10/2010 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cobbledtogether · 03/10/2010 20:15

Thanks for all of your replies. Sometimes when you are being made to feel unreasonable you just need a bit of reassurance that its not you.

My DH is lovely, but seems to have this blind spot when it comes to DSD and any problems are immediately because of me.

When he first started living with me, I had a load of silent calls from a witheld number to my mobile. Then a few times DSDs number would appear but it would be silent, so I realised that it may be her. I checked her phone Blush and her call record was full of calls to my phone.

I told DH that she was doing this as I thought he should talk to her as us moving in together was an issue to her. He went mad at me and said that she would never do that kind of thing and that I was only saying it becasue I didn't like her - WTF?!?

So he said nothing, but then when her phone bill - which he paid - came in, there was my number over and over again. No apology, nothing and I don't think he talked to her either, the coward.

I think the best advice is to just get on with it if he does this. Talking to him is absolutely impossible on this subject - which is stoooopid as its the only time he acts like a dick.

Thanks again all.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 03/10/2010 20:17

Why don't you discuss your plans for the weekend several days ahead of your DSD arriving for the weekend, and plan out activities that involve all three of you and times when your DH and DSD are free to do their own thing?

onionlove · 03/10/2010 20:20

Hi babyheave,
My DH also has a blind side as far as my SD is concerned but he would never go out and not tell me when they will be back. You are a lot nicer step mum than me as you sound very level headed and sensible. I think houseproject may be right and he is trying to get her on her own because he fears you girls together might leave him out. Its hard with dads and daughters I reckon. Just keep doing what you're doing and let him work through his issues.
Onion x

ChocHobNob · 04/10/2010 18:39

The phone thing is another red flag. Again, how bloody rude not to a) believe you and b)apologise when he saw the evidence. You are a lot more calmer than me as I wouldn't have let that lie.

He may be lovely, but he doesn't seem to treat you very well with regards to the whole "step-family" situation. My concern would be once SD is old enough to pick up on it, she may use it to cause trouble between the family.

I understand you've only given a glimpse of what is happening, but it seems he wants to keep you and his relationship with his daughter separate. I couldn't live like that personally.

Suda · 05/10/2010 12:50

Oh dear !! I'm afraid I agree with Trying on this one. Sounds like a budding 'lioness with cub' syndrome. You need to nip it in the bud - tell him fine - you fully accept the time together thing - but you live together and manners and consideration are a completely seperate issue - what kind of example is that for his DD to have respect for other people and for you in particular. If you live with someone you say goodbye when you're going out - simples !

I'm convinced its a form of temporary madness some of these natural fathers suffer from during access visits Confused

Petal02 · 05/10/2010 13:27

"I'm convinced it's a form of temporary madness some of these natural fathers suffer from during access visits" - Suda, you are so right! We hear about many rational, reasonable men who morph into very different characters the minute their children enter the building!

Suda · 05/10/2010 18:51

Yeah - who was it who went for a slash wee and left toilet door open in their own house just as mummy lion DH arrived with DSS and practically got took out and shot for it Grin Grin - think we were both on that one Petal? - apparently us SMs shouldnt even take a piss wee when the "messiah" is in the building.

Bloody priceless. What they like ?? Grin Grin

Original poster
cobbledtogether · 05/10/2010 21:06

"I'm convinced it's a form of temporary madness some of these natural fathers suffer from during access visits"

rofl! I think that is a healthy way of looking at it.

DSD is a teenager now. I've been in her life since she was 9, although not as anything more than a 'friend' of her dads for the first year.

I have to say that step-parenting is a minefield that you can never fully appreciate until you find yourself dropped into the middle of it with nothing but a pointy stick and a bit of luck to negotiate your way around it.

OP posts:
Petal02 · 05/10/2010 21:33

Suda, I wouldn't have minded so much if the loo door had been wide open, but it was 99% closed!!!! Temporary sanity indeed!!!!

Suda · 05/10/2010 22:08

oh yeah - I remember now - sorry it was even more ludicrous than I remember then - maybe us s/mums should be provided with an underground bunker with chemical loo at bottom of the garden so as not to impose our odious presence on our poor visiting stepbrats messiahs lion cubs DSKs and our terrible habits like breathing/making a brew etc in our own homes - oh the audacity. Shock

Suda · 05/10/2010 22:18

PETAL I am so so sorry - Blush the penny has just dropped - I had completely forgotten who it was - I just seem to remember us both being on that thread. Please dont think I was getting a dig - I just really thought that was hilarious but only because I could completely relate and empathise with it.

Suda · 05/10/2010 22:20

Oh yes the AAAAARRRrrrrrgggghhhhhhhiness of being a step-parent.

Petal02 · 06/10/2010 08:58

Hi Suda - no offence taken! I think your underground bunker is an excellent suggestion! The perfect place for step mums on access weekends! It would save my husband a small fortune, because he generally has to buy SS some sort of gift (or cash equivalent) to "compensate" on each acess weekend, this started when I moved in, I assume husband needs to "apologise" for a third party being around on these weekends. God knows what sort of adult SS will turn into ...

Interestingly, one of husband's friends (who has two sons of his own) actually said that SS really ought to be engaging with real life by now, and that he's going to struggle when he goes to uni if nothing changes. Which was interesting, cos it's obviously not just me who sees there is a problem.

foolio · 06/10/2010 16:52

Where is this bunker going to be? Can I join?

colditz · 06/10/2010 16:58

Stepbrats?

Jesus, I don't feel too good about sending my kids off to their dad's flat if his girlfriend thinks of them as 'stepbrats'............Sad

I think some stepmothers who don't have their own children can be very spoilt and demanding - the second the spotlight is off them, they treat their stepchildren as if they are ex lovers - something to be jealous of, and moaned about. It's not nice, people. it's petty and childish. Those children have more of a right to your partner's time than YOU do. they were there first. they are biologically related, and they are dependant. You are an adult and a relative newcomer.

If my partner gave the slightest sign that he thought of my children as 'Stepbrats' he'd be long long gone.

colditz · 06/10/2010 17:01

Has it occurred to any of you that these children miss their fathers? That maybe, just maybe, they want their dad's attention without having a spoilt womanchild butting into everything and demanding attention like a toddler left out of a game?

Children who live in separated families have to spend most of their life away from one parent, can you not even let them have the time they do have without bitching and whining about it?

foolio · 06/10/2010 17:29

Colditz - with respect, this is a forum for step parents. Please respect the views of the people who post here. They are entitled to express their opinions as step parents without being attacked.

Thanks.